.:[01.07.01]:.
yesterday afternoon, matt took me up to his cabin in winnipeg beach. it was really nice being up there alone with him. we had supper in gimli. i really care about him so much. i don't know what's come over me. miss "i want to be single for a while" but he's really been so good to me. its different. its different in the way that i didn't start liking him and we went out because i liked him.. but because he liked me and we both agreed on it. its only 5 days, but it feels like forever. yes its cheese. i know.. everything is so new and i'm scared that eventually this will all fade. i don't want this to end.. i can see myself with him for a while.

.:[01.04.01]:.
i'm left alone for a week and now i'm going out with someone. yes, i'm going out the sweetest, most honest, very trusting and very hot matt. it's a pretty weird story, because we just started going out 2 days ago, and met on new years eve.
it was new years eve. mandy was chatting on the net on phil's computer and i wanted to chat with her, so i ran up to dave's computer, finding her not there, but seeing the guy she was chatting to. anyway, because stupid MSN saves your profile, it saved dave's and people thought i was a guy, including the guy i was talking to. so he kicked me out. i came back with new name and new profile, and bitched at him for kicking me out. i wanted to prove to him that i was a chick, so i showed him my pic. he liked the fact that i was asian, and gave me his number. i called him, but mandy talked. mandy asked him if he wanted to meet us the next day, and he agreed.
i called him the next day to confirm, and he said that he had plans. we talked. that was at 5. he left me go at 6 but called me back at 7. we then had a continuous conversation till 4am. we talked about EVERYTHING. i mean, EVERYTHING. i was straight out, honest with him. and i imagine that he was too. we agreed to meet the next day. he skipped work to meet me. i hadn't seen his picture yet, so i was pretty nervous. especially when mandy said "he sounds cute, must be ugly" hahaha. but once he opened the door. WOW! he was really attractive. we watched osmosis jones and the fast and the furious and cuddled up and talked for hours. he asked to start seeing me.. and a few hours later, we talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend.
these past few days, everything just seemed SO right. he's be the best. and i really hope that everything stays that way as well. i cried in front of him last night. that things he said just made me tear up. i really care about this one and hopefully i don't blow it. we're just made for each other.

.:[12.24.01]:.
its christmas eve, and i'm feeling pretty good. the commerce social was so great. i had such a good time, didn't drink, but danced quite a bit and met some new people. and i LOVED my dress.. haha. what an attention grabber. in martin's words "where did those come from" hahahaha. i've never gotten attention like that before. i'd usually hide my dress under a sweater of some sort. nope.. not this year.
i met up with quincy again on friday. we went out for coffee and i met his sisters. they were cool. quincy and i went back to his place to watch rush hour 2. but there was a problem at the end of the night. ever kiss someone goodnight and get that giddy, wow feeling? it didn't happen. i didn't feel that amazing, i like you feeling. we went to the bar on saturday. and he was with me. he tried to hold my hand. that's a no no. i don't hold hands until i know i wanna be with that person, or if i know you VERY well. show's too much affection.
so last night i was on MSN, i met a guy. he was really nice, and i'm meeting him on boxing day. i really hate internet confrontations, but oh well. he worked for McDees. and McDees people are usually really nice to hang out with. especially if they reach management. that means that there's something good about them. well, we'll see what happens..

.:[12.20.01]:.
its late at night and my brother's not home, so i decided to take advantage of the situation. anyway, i closed the restaurant today and i drove my co worker megan home. we talked in my car for about an hour or so. i vented a lot of my feelings to her. i got some feedback, some i didn't want to hear, but i took it lightly. why do i go to her? i have no idea. anyway, it was my day to vent. just because i needed it. shaun, the wal-mart manager, sat with me through break to talk to me. what a sweetheart.. he gave me some advice. he knows how to make me smile.. =).
i talked to another wal-marter briefly today. it was about Quincy. the guy who hit on me at the bar. he told me that Quincy treats his women like gold. I told Paul that i was scared to move on. I guess he just wants me to go for him, but thats just bias. told me to fuck the ex. i'm personally scared to move on. i miss him way too much. looks, intelligence, that feeling when i was around him. i felt so wowed by it all. i never thought i could land all of that in one package. but what can i do when that one person just doesn't want me. dwell on it? no way, i've done that enough with the last guy i really cared about. made me think about him for a year. nope.. not me again
i feel pro. i got a kiss from the sexy security guard at wal-mart. i'm the woMAN! hahaha. i can't wait till tomorrow. i'm gonna look pretty.. i'll make sure i take lots of pics.. maybe i'll meet someone, again. who knows...

.:[12.17.01]:.
last night was very unforgettable. i had so much fun dancing at the mcdonalds christmas party. mandy and i were grinding. hahaha. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would of been. robert didn't "prove" to me that "we weren't over" like he told mandy, i got to dance with phil, and got complemented. =). he did the whole usher thing to me when "u remind me" came on. he didn't ask me to slow dance at the end *sigh*, but vicki did and gave him up right after. but he looked for someone else to dance with, and that was megan. *pout* but overall i had SO much fun! my boss was looking at me all funny! i guess he wasn't used to seeing this side of me. oh well.. =)
i took an iq test today. i landed myself a 142. not bad i say. it was all true and false, quite different from other multiple choice iq tests. oh well, who knows. maybe i have an inner smart person trying to escape. but then again, i'm too lazy to find out.

.:[12.16.01]:.
quite an interesting saturday for me. besides my usually work day, i went out with my buddy kat. she invited a few wal-mart people. one of them, paul, brought a friend of his. anyway, for the whole night he was hitting on me. it was pretty interesting. turned out to be a really nice guy (whoa! the massage was awesome), but he can't dance for shit. will i call him or meet up with him again? unlikely. doesn't seem to click on my part. oh well, but at least this shows that i'm kinda still in the game. its been a while since i had some sorta "special feeling" treatment. i deserve it!

.:[12.13.01]:.
life as of now, is basically back to normal. i got drunk last weekend for the 1st time, and never again i say. never again. although it would be nice to get back with that someone, i'm not gonna lie by saying that i don't miss him, cause i do, but i can't dwell over it. we're getting along, we talk, its not like we ignore each other now.. which is really good. so i'm pretty happy with the situation now.
yesterday i've done something that i kinda regret though. why did i do it? just to prove that i still had it in me. yet i'm embarrassed to say i've done it, but i think its past now. btw, thanks mandy for laughing at me. i still blame you for what happened.. haha. well, its over with now, and hopefully, i won't be that stupid to do that all over again. hmm, i wonder if anyone reads this thing.
what's with exes? why am i ranting about this? i don't know. maybe because they pop in and out of no where and scare the living shit out of you. okay, not the living shit, but they do pop up unexpectedly asking you of the weirdest things. (Rob, you gotta admit, that was a pretty uh, weird, phone call a few mins ago)
why is my life so weird.. everything seems out of place.. how? i dunno. i guess its because its full of surprises that are waiting to happen. how i hate surprises.. oh well, what can you do?!

.:[12.04.01]:.
i slept on it, and i still can't help crying. its an absolute shitty day for erika. ever feel like you like someone, but not as much as you thought you did until its actually gone. i shouldn't say gone, because he's still there, but still. i'm technically single right now. phil and i have discussed it over last night. i didn't want to hear it. i'm afraid of the truth, and only my close friends will know what i'm talking about when it comes to fear of the truth. i feel really shitty. its funny how you can wake up the next morning and everything has changed. why am i acting this way.. what the fuck's wrong with me. i've been single for a year and a half, and i just got into a relationship that didn't even last a month and i'm fucking dwelling over it. i was fine early last night. i acted like everything was okay and that i was going to be okay about it. but I'M NOT!
i need some sort of way to know everything is going to be alright, that phil isn't going to just give me excuses, but actually mean what he has said to me. actually mean that he is one day going to be ready and come back when he is. how'd i'd really love that.
but guys are SHIT! they always tell me the SAME fucking thing, over and over, that it might happen again one day. how do you still care for someone, but not want them. i wish it would make sense, but IT DOESN'T! i'm gonna go to sleep. i can't handle this anymore...

.:[12.02.01]:.
i can't stop thinking about him. i don't know what it is, but he's just always there. i play this one song, "In the End" by Linkin Park, and i keep thinking of him. It's his favorite song. Everytime i hear it, i can just hear him singing along with it. he's just mr. amazing to me. he's almost perfect.
"I put my trust in you." its from the song.. i can see him singing it. i'm such a cheeseball. please burst my bubble, everything is going the way i want it to. and why is that bad? i don't know.....

.:[11.27.01]:.
office dating is not a good idea.. i'm gonna let you guys in on that! i work with my boyfriend in case all of you don't know.. anyway, it just doesn't work. we end up mad at each other and stuff.. so yeah.. word to the wise.
anyway, okay, enough venting about that! fuck.. lately, i've been so insecure.. why? weird dreams. from someone who doesn't dream about anything, i had this really weird dream which caused me to wake up at 4am. i don't know what to take from it, because psychologically thinking, you cannot interpret dreams because they're random.
okay... well, i wanna apologize to jing for not calling her on her birthday. i love you anyway...

.:[11.21.01]:.
i just really felt like writing. i'd like to recognize jing's birthday yesterday. i miss you girl. i'll probably call you later... =)
that feeling of being happy is still in me. i just can't believe that someone like phil is into me. just never thought that he'd ever be interested, and i'm so glad that he does. i spent some time with him yesterday. he complemented me. but it wasn't just any complement, it was something that really bothered me for the longest time. i've been really self concious about my singing lately. i used to think i was good, its not as great as when i was younger. but he said i had a really beautiful voice. and that really made me smile. he called me pretty, not cute, pretty. i hate being called cute. phil, why do you have to be so damn sweet?
so i was chatting on icq. the guy i was seeing previous to phil talked to me. i've tried to ignore the situation between us for the longest time. not to be mean, but because i didn't know how to approach him. i mean, greg was a real sweetie, but phil was a lot more of my ideal guy than greg. greg wanted me to talk to him or see him everyday. that was a situation i wanted to avoid. in my previous relationships, i was attached to my boyfriend. i saw him everyday, we talked everyday, it left me nothing to miss. i know... i work with phil, and can see him all the time, but i know he has other buds, i have other friends, its nice to spread myself around, and when i see him, its special. greg was too much for me. one day he called me 3 times. i answered the last time. another night he called me at 1am. i was working at 6 the next day... i think i'm pretty satisfied with my decision. anyway, back to what i was talking about... greg was really mean to me on icq. he had this no care attitude about me. like how he wanted to rub in my face about his new girlfriend. he would tell me that he wanted to go out with one of my best girlfriends.. not like mandy would really want me to. she would tell me.. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!!! i found that funny. i was stubborn. i was going to go for greg, but then phil impressed me.
oh well, life is great...

.:[11.17.01]:.
how do you know that you're really happy. like, really happy. i love the state i'm in right now. i'm seeing an very intelligent, very attractive guy. wow, its the one word that describes this feeling. i love this slow paced feeling. letting everything lie in its place. carefully not getting too attached.
that smile. oh, do i fall for that smile. its that certain look. the look he gives me when i visit him at work, and the look he gives me when i'm about to go home. that little whimper... i'm babbleing now. but its just that i'm happy. i know i'm happy.
now the downpart... it was my mistake to dwell over shaun. why did i even bother. he didn't care about me one bit and he told me that earlier today. not directly, but it was something i sensed. like the way he defended his girl when i didn't even say anything about her. i was trying to be nice. i mention thuy and grace all of a sudden appears. like fuck shaun.. i really hope you're reading this:
i couldn't hate you more than i hate you now. i know things have changed and i've moved one. why did bother trying to talk to me if you were going to bicker at me anyway. you mean nothing to me, our past, your gifts, you friendship, NOTHING. if you don't rot in hell tomorrow, then God knows that its way too late. fuck off....

.:[11.08.01]:.
oh man, that was a while back. to update my situation listed below, i have regained my friendship with rommel. he's an awesome friend and thats something i WON'T want to lose. he complemented me the other day. i told him of this one guy that liked me. and he some way got me to believe that he actually did. i dunno, maybe being single for so long, you just forget how it is to actually be noticed.
as weird as it may sound, shaun actually messaged me. Oct 28. that really startled me. he hasn't responded, but i really hope it was him. i really miss our friendship. thats just one thing i want back. i know it won't be 100% but at least its there. at least i know i won't have that feeling that i'm not left in the dark.
this must be my month for guys.. i'm meeting the best of them this month. and let me tell you, i'm enjoying every minute of it. i'm really considering hooking up with this one dude.. oh sweet mother he's HOT.

.:[09.26.01]:.
Still mending a broken heart, which was torn on sunday, i'm feeling a bit better. i was being foolish for ever thinking that it would have worked, but i just had to get it out of my system.
"Love is blind, it will take over your mind, what you think is love, is truly not, you need to elevate and find"
He got me hard though. I was honestly nervous when i told him. My arms, my legs, my gut was literally shaking. My mind was focused on one point, and that was to tell him how i felt before it was too late. of course, with my damn luck, it was too late. And to top it off.. i found out he called me his "little sister." From then on, you know when to give up!
I'm really iffy about guys now, but i am starting to like someone new. I think i might be moving a little to fast.. but he's caught my eye. i'd rather not post anymore, in fear that he might read this.

.:[09.06.01]:.
Its been a week and a half since i got back from my trip in toronto. i had so much fun. i miss everyone. i miss clubbing down there, i miss not having to be embarrassed because i knew that i was never going to see them ever again. *sigh* i come back to winnipeg and face a lot of drama. i guess its back to reality. *sigh* that sucks. i'm not speaking to 2 of my friends. or so called... but now, i have my "trisquad" and its all good. i'm scared for my car. why? i'd rather not say the fine details, but just that its fucked!

.:[08.09.01]:.
Man, i'm lacking sleep. Too much phone time for me, and work. in 1 week at 5 days, i'm off to toronto, i'm not meeting rix though. why? he's not going to be around. that really sucks. i've known him for 4 years now, and when i finally attempt to meet him, he's not even going to be there. fuck it. as for rix, he says that he's going to visit me in december. fat chance.. knowing him, he won't. i guarantee it!
I'm meeting on saturday. i'm kinda scared. arrg.. i'm really scared. i hate these awkward meeting moments. maybe its because i've had so many bad ones. and even really scary ones. i've been stupid before, i admit. getting into really scary situations, but i'm actually bringing a friend this time! yay.. smart erika!

.:[08.04.01]:.
I'm still dwelling on the past.. its slowing getting better though, but I don't think it will completely disappear. But I have to admit, I am happy the way things are going. I'm kinda scared of losing another friend, but we'll see. Only time will tell. I've been meeting more new people, and its awesome. My new friends and super fun to be with. Bar experiences and 10x better when i'm with them.
Yesterday I was talking to someone about old friends. Sure, I admit that I love some of them to death as of now, but the ones that just stabbed me in the back, that was wrong. who does that? sorry if their world revolves only around them. its sad. i feel bitchy today, and i feel like its going to come back at me. like i care. really.. like i care. i've moved on, started fresh.. thats all that matters to me. i got away from all that drama. drama sucks, especially when you're stuck at the star of a pessimistic play. get what i'm saying?
I talked to someone on the phone yesterday. i met him off of icq. we talked for almost 2.5 hours. he's cool. "see you on sunday!"
its about 2.5 weeks until my trip down to toronto. i'm super excited. i'm finally going to meet rix. *giddy* its been like 4 years since i met him, oh geesh.. i'm scared. i also get to see my homegirl jing. man i miss her. the toronto life. i'm excited!!

.:[07.06.01]:.
Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. He's always going to be there no matter how much I want to erase him out of my mind. I'm tempted though, I'm tempted to leave winnipeg. Who knows, I might like it in Ontario and move there. I have friends there. My best girl friend is there, why not? But i'm scared. I'm also running away from him. I want to talk to him, i need closure, but he doesn't seem to want to. I guess you can say that i have this love for him, that he once had for me, but its also grown to such hate, I don't know. I know for a fact that I miss him.
Just talking, thats it, talking to him, about anything. Making a fool out of myself and just laughing about it. I miss him. It was just one year.. 1 damn year ago when we were SO close. The way he'd greet me, by picking me up and swinging me around. It was just 4 years ago when we just met. The way he used to take his phone and gip me of it. It was just 2 years ago when he introduced me to his mom, called me family. It was 2 years ago when
It was just one year ago when he said that he loved me and do anything, absolutely anything for me, just because he loved me.
it was just 2 months ago when it was the last time he ever said a word to me.
He ever hugged me.
Shaun, i miss you..

.:[06.17.01]:.
i feel so helpless. i'm sporting a new cast and i have 1 arm. *sigh* its not easy at all. this thing weighs an extra 5 pounds. i worked today, and i feel useless. i'm trying hard to work, but i can't seem to cut it. i met someone who i think i'm starting to like.. but i'm just going to get to know him 1st.. it might backfire. aarrrrg!

.:[06.05.01]:.
Nothing has really changes since I last fixed this up. I've gotten over a lot of things, such as the ex-best friend, being single and so on.
I've given up trying to make amends with Shaun. *start the controversy now, it always happens.*
He was my "so called" best friend since I was in grade 9, so that would make about 5 years. We did everything and anything together. Its funny. I used to like him back then, he didn't feel the same. It was until I started going out with people he'd started acting funny. He finally admitted his feelings. Why couldn't he tell me earlier?
By the time it was August of last year, we became distant. I'm not blaming it on his girlfriend at all, I did the same, i didn't spend much time with him, but at least I called, i cared. I don't feel that same love back here.
He completed me, as he said the same thing to me. He came up with a profacy.
1. Meet the best friend
2. Find the Job
3. Get the car
4. Find the girlfriend
5. Dump the best friend
He said it jokingly, but surprisingly it came true. Sure it hurts, someone who has impacted your life with at lease half of your memories has decided to leave you standing alone. Someone you've trusted with ALL your soul because you knew that they were forever going to be there for eternity.
But now, its more like, if i ever died, moved away, would they care.
I was feeling pretty sadistic about it all, thinking maybe I should find out.
But that was wrong. I think i'd be better out without him. No one to worry about. I wouldn't have to cry or dwell over it anymore. Overtime, memories would be erased, forgotten.. why? because I want to.
I honestly loved shaun, would of did anything, even risked my life for him. He knew that. He tested me, and I told him that i'd save him, over ANYONE. Even my own blood, my husband, anyone. It wasn't mutual. I put way too much effort in it. As his girlfriend told me, i am him "ex best friend".
Shaun, if you are reading this, i missED you, i carED for you, and in some sort of way, i still do. No one would or will understand our friendship, because it was deeper than most. But as of a few weeks ago, you are no longer a part of my life. I don't think you'd ever understand what I feel.

.:[02.12.01]:.
Leaving you number on the net. Is it such a bad thing? whats the worst thing that can happen from that? Well, not much I guess, but here I was, fixing up my neopets shop when I get a phone call out of the blue from these guys who wondered why I left my number on the net. Well, anyway, I had a brief conversation with them, I don't really know what we said.. but yea.. that was weird.
Why do I leave my Number on the net? Well, you never really think that they're really gonna call you for one. And and I have long distant friends who try to keep in touch and lose numbers. Good enough reason.. i'd think so!

.:[02.10.01]:.
I have a test tomorrow. It determines whether or not i get a job.. I'm scared! I went to cloud 9 for the 1st time. It was alright. Good music and hot guys EVERYWHERE.. but yea.. i kept my cool. I upset a good friend of mine. I don't know if i should of said what i said. I don't like it when she's upset, but its just she had to know. and what if she found out that i knew, she'd be upset that i didn't tell her. I dunno.. i feel bad.. I do. This whole month has been about dilemas...
Ever meet a really cute guy, with a great personality, but don't want to go out with him. haha. thats what i'm doin.. i'm too damn picky!!!

.:[02.03.01]:.
When your mad at someone, just tell them, so I don't have to waste my time figuring it out and getting all stressed. I'd rather waste my time looking at the wall then try to make amends with those who have no hope in me.

.:[01.19.01]:.
I'm getting set up... hmm.. i really don't know about this.....

.:[01.07.01]:.
Happy New Year! =). I'm sick at home.. poor me! Thanks Jimelaine.. haha. We were at Moxies the other day when we saw Rob James of McMaster and James and ran to get his autograph. Took us 30mins.. and now I'm sick.. haha. Oh well.. better now then never! I've been bored.. studying.. *sigh* I guess thats what university life does to you. *sigh*

.:[12.27.00]:.
Work is really getting to me! I know that I deserve a promotion! I know I do.. at least I know I deserve it more than someone who is getting promoted. You see, there's this one slacker who gets more recognition then I do because he knows how to suck ass more than me. Sales are so much better when I work, I get things done, and what does he have to show... umm, he knows how to slap towels with another manager. That doesn't make me happy at all! I try.. I really do, and all I get is a bunch of bullshit! Piss me off! Okay.. enough venting on that!
Ever spend so much a regret it eventually. I'm in debt! I bought a new 12 disc CD stacker for my car.. and I went on the shopping spree of a life time.. and I'm now offically POOR! hahaha, all my paychecks will be going to paying this off! OH great!

.:[12.25.00]:.
Have you ever liked someone who you knew was OFF LIMITS? I have. I still do. My perfect guy is off limits. Why? hahaha, not because he has a girlfriend or anything, its more like a trust issue. We'll just leave it at that. I've always like this one guy, and he's single, the world's biggest sweetheart. *sigh* And I know he would treat me right. But I just can't have him.

Its funny how life isn't fair that way. Life likes to tease you, taunt you, then slap your hand and say "NO! don't do it!" Its amusing how life plays around with you like that. haha