Batman has gone to the walk-in freezer. Examines a wall of food. He lifts a frozen oriental dinner. The secret vault swings open.
ROBIN
How did you...?
BATMAN
(off the box) Open Sesame...Chicken.
Crow: Wow, I'm hungry now.
INT. FREEZE'S VAULT Batman and Robin ENTER, examine Nora Fries in her sarcophagus.
BATMAN
She's still alive. He's adapted his freezing technology to reverse McGregor's Syndrome. (off a scrolling monitor) He's even found a cure for the early stages of the disease.
Mike: Gee, I wonder if this is what Alfred has and ultimately Batman can't kill Freeze cause he'd kill Alfred?
Tom and Crow look at him.
Mike: Just a guess.
ROBIN
Can he save her?
Crow: Not a prayer kid. Need her for plot advancement.
BATMAN
No. Her case is too advanced. But maybe, someday, with more research-
Tom: what?
INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY - INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
BATMAN
No beauty...
ROBIN
Just the beast.
Crow: (as Bane) I'm just what god and the scientists made me baby.
BATMAN rushes the monster. Bane SIDESWIPES him, sending him flying off the stairs towards the basement below.Robin uses Batman's distraction to SMASH into Bane's chest. Robin bounces off, landing hard atop the landing.
Mike: Oh Mommy!
ROBIN
Ouch. (standing) Anymore at home like you?
Tom: Heres hoping the answers no.
FREEZE
I hate uninvited guests.
The Cops race up the stairs towards Freeze. He pulls a lever marked COOLANT GAS. VENTS around the room begin to HISS blue freezing gas.
Mike: Wonder what that was supposed to do.
IVY
I must confess, the combination of heroic daring-do and an anatomically correct rubber suit puts fire in a girl's...lips.
She leans in to kiss him. Batman stares a beat, shakes it off.
BATMAN
Why do all the gorgeous ones have to be homicidal maniacs? Is it me?
All: Yep.
FREEZE
Why don't you boys slip into something more comfortable?
Crow: Ok. (tries to leave, Mike stops him) But he said...
THE ICY STPES - CLOSE. SNAP into a steep, curving ramp. Freeze PUNCHES the lead Cop backwards into his shivering cohorts, the police tumbling in a slipping pile down to the floor below. INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT - TOP OF STAIRS Bane hurls Robin down the steps. Batman SMASHES into Bane, both falling off the platform, taking their fight to a catwalk below. INT. BASEMENT FLOOR Robin stands, behind him a giant miller's wheel carries planks of wood through a chopper and back up as pallets of popsicle sticks.
Tom: He's good for breaking stuff isnt he?
IVY (OVER)
Her pretty birdie.
Crow: Polly want a cracker?
Robin spins to face Ivy. She blows a pile of dust into his face. She begins advancing, backing him towards the chopper blades.
Tom: Gotta do something about those toe nails.
ROBIN
Give it up. If you threw yourself-
Mike:--off the Brooklyn Bridge would anyone care?
IVY
(leaning in) At you? Polly want a kiss?
She leans in, lips pursed.
All: UGH.
Tom: I don't need this!
ON THE CATWALK OVERHEAD Bane's mighty BLOWS back Batman towards the edge of the catwalk.Robin looks from Ivy to Batman, grabs a strut on the miller's wheel, the giant cog lifting him up towards the catwalk and his partner.
IVY
I must be losing my touch.
Crow: Doesn't she marry Ethan Hawke?
Mike: Ugh.
Tom: I feel sorry for her.
INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY Freeze is striding through the mists towards his diamond vault. More Cops rush him from the HISSING gas.
Mike: Frozen fart!
FREEZE moves like lightning, WHIPPING billy clubs from the holsters of two police, using them like disconnected nunchucks, KNOCKING the cops unconscious in a flurry of SLAMS and JABS.
FREEZE
Stick around.
Tom: (As Arnold) Theres more fun ahead.
A COP hits the wall. Beside him a button reads; EMERGENCY HEAT. He SLAMS the stud, filaments coming to life, the room glowing red. Freeze's watch begins to flash. No power.
Crow: My indi-glow!
INT. CATWALK
Bane kicks Batman off the end of the catwalk as Robin leaps onto the villain. Robin and Bane begin fighting again.
INT. CONVEYOR BELT
Batman lands on his back on a moving belt that is feeding ancient tubs of ice cream into a clown shaped flash freezer. Ivy jumps atop the caped crusader, their faces close.
Mike: Ick, chlorophyll breath.
IVY
You bring out the animal in me.
Tom: What kind? Cat dog?
BATMAN
I should have brought my leash.
IVY
Enough sweet talk.
Crow: Plant and Bat collide
With that Ivy blows another handful of dust into Batman's face. Ivy licks her lips. Leans in for a kiss. At the last second, Batman averts his face, wrenching Ivy to the floor just ahead of the clown's freezing maw.
BATMAN
(mustering all his will) You're going to jail.
Tom: Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
IVY
I'm a lover not a fighter. That's why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with...him.
All: Wha?
BANE stands atop a giant storage vat, a dazed Robin hanging in his hand. Bane tosses the boy aside, slide, feet first, down a conveyer belt and double fists Batman, CRASHING, into the wall.
Mike: Thats gonna leave a mark.
IVY
I'm off to find Bachelor Number Two. Try not to make a mess when you die.
Crow: She'd be great on the dating game.
INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY
The room is growing even hotter. Freeze stagger towards his diamond vault, his flesh turning ray. With his last strength, Freeze wrenches open his safe, filling his sleeve power compartments with diamonds, his color returning.
Tom: (makes meter sounds.)Ding!
FREEZE
Ahh. Chilled to perfection.
Crow: (as Arnold) I suddenly feel the urge for a Zima with a lime twist
Freeze hits his watch, the villain now suddenly encased in ice.The Cops are warming back into action, draw guns, FIRE, bullets bouncing off Freeze's armor of ice, ricocheting into the walls.
Tom: Abominable Arnold!
FREEZE
Superman, eat your heart out.
Mike: (as Jon Lovitz) Jealous?
Freeze starts towards his weapons locker.
INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
Bane SMASHES Batman into the wall. Advances. At the last second, Batman FIRES a Batclub, HITTING Bane in the head stunning him.
BATMAN - POV. Ivy is closing in on Robin.
Tom: (makes seductive wa wa noises as she walks)
INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY
The Cops rush Freeze. The villain whips a small icing jewel from his weapons locker, the floor GLOWS, suddenly covered with ice.The Cops begin slipping on the glassy floor in classic Keystone style, ending up sprawled on their backs. Freeze stands, pulsing with power, this icing cannon now under one arm. He lifts his pistol in his free hand. Points at the police.
Mike: Its rude to point.
FREEZE
All right coppers, Freeze.
He FIRES.
Crow: Cops on ice.
INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
Ivy has Robin up against a giant vat.
IVY
Stop living in the shadow of the big bad bat. You don't need him. (blows more dust) You deserve your own legend. Your own bright shining signal in the sky. Let me guide you. Let me... (touches his face) ...Touch you. Kiss you.
Crow: Kill you.
He can't resist, about to kiss her. A tiny batarang hits his cheek.
Tom:Ow!
BATMAN
Remember the victim at the airport. Toxins introduced through the mouth.
ROBIN
What are you talking about?
All: Yeah?
BATMAN
Why is she so desperate to kiss us? I'm betting her lips are poison.
ROBIN
A poison kiss? You have some real issues with women, you know that? (advancing) You just couldn't stand that she was about to kiss me. (shoves him) Couldn't stand that something might be mine and not yours. Could you?!
Mike: I can't see any woman wanting him anyway.
Robin shoves him harder still. In frustration, Batman delivers a fantastic roundhouse, sending Robin SMASHING into a wall.
BATMAN
Damn.
Crow: No. A wall.
Batman tries to help Robin up. Robin shrugs him off, stands.
ROBIN
Ivy's right. I don't need you. I'm going solo. I want my own signal in the sky.
Tom: Hey, I want Cindy Crawford here obeying my every wish and command, but it aint happening kid.
Batman looks around. Ivy and Bane are gone.
GORDON
(arriving) What happened? How'd they get away?
Crow: Duh?
But the caped crusader doesn't have an answer.
INT. FREEZE'S HIDDEN CHAMBER
Ivy enters through the snaking passage. She turns to face Freeze's wife, still in her frozen sarcophagus.
IVY
So sorry, Ms. Fridigaire. I'm just not good with competition.
Tom: Shes gonna turn her into Mrs Olson. (hums Maxwells house theme)
Ivy pulls the main power switch. Status lights flash red.
INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS - DAWN
Transformed. Sunlight streams in through the broken ceiling. The ground thrives, now a rich garden. IVY ENTERS, strolls through the gardens into a small ante-room where Freeze sits over his freezing engine, having ZAPPED the walls with his pistol, the room now a world of ice.
IVY
Make yourself right at home.
Mike: Already did.
FREEZE
Where is my wife?
Tom: Bloomingdales, Uma got her a 75% discount.
IVY
There was nothing I could do. Batman deactivated her. She's dead.
FREEZE
You lie!
Crow: Actually shes standing right now.
Freeze lunges for Ivy. Bane steps between them. Mistake. Freeze hurls him across the room. Ivy stills Bane with a gesture.
IVY
I'm sorry.
Ivy reaches up, holding the snowflake necklace between her and the looming Freeze. Freeze stops, takes the chain in his hand.
FREEZE
Their bones will turn to ice. Their blood will freeze in my hands.
All: EW.
IVY
Kill them. Of course. But why stop there? Why should only Batman and Robin die while the society that created them goes unpunished?
Ivy lifts the frozen Gotham bauble off the iced table. Turns it over in her hand absentmindedly. Freeze stares at her.
FREEZE
Yes. I shall replay the world for sentencing me to a life without the warmth of human comfort. I will blanket the city in endless winter. First Gotham and then the world.
Mike: Then everywhere will look like Wisconsin?
IVY
Just what I had in mind. Everything dead on Earth except us. A chance for mother nature to start again. (she lifts a flower) Plants and flowers are the oldest species on the planet yet they are defenseless against man. Sorry hon, this is for science. (she crushes the flower) Behold the dawn of a new age.
Crow: Generation next.
From a canisters labeled PROJECT GILGAMESH, Ivy removes a savage, other-worldly plant with HISSING fangs.
Tom: Audrey II!
Crow: (As AudreyII) Feed me Seymour!
IVY
I have created a race of plants with the strength of the deadliest animals. Once you have frozen mankind, my mutants will overrun the globe. The Earth will become a brave new world of only plants. And we shall rule them. For we will be the only two people left in the world.
Mike: Good thing we get to miss Planet of the plants and uma and arnold.
Crow: And Oprah.
FREEZE
Adam and Evil.
Tom: It's so crazy it might just work.
Freeze lifts the Gotham bauble, holds it on his palm, his gauntlet glowing blue, tiny Gotham freezing. He CRUSHES the city.
FREEZE
You will distract the bat and bird while I prepare to freeze Gotham.
Mike: Then we'll break for a light lunch. Frozen pizza all right with you?
IVY
Can't we just ice them along with the rest of the citizenry?
Crow: Nah, its gotta be complicated.
FREEZE
That is far too merciful. Batman will watch his beloved Gotham perish, then I will kill him.
IVY
As a team, the duncely duo protect each other. But the Robin is young. Impetuous. If I could get him alone-
Tom: We dont wanna know.
FREEZE
One kiss and you could lift the mask from his lifeless face. Their secret identities would be revealed. But how best to bait a bird?
Mike: A worm on a stick would work, I suppose.
IVY
The way to a boy's heart is through his ego. What strapping young hero could resist his very own...signal?
FREEZE
Inspired, Ms. Ivy.
Crow: Hand signal?
IVY
I'm hungry. I think I'll have poultry.
Tom: You'd have to defrost it though.
INT. WAYNE MANOR - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY _ EVENING Barbara and Dick stand talking to a DOCTOR.
DOCTOR
It's Stage One of McGregor's Syndrome. I'm sorry. All we can do is make him comfortable.
Mike: I knew it.
PUSH IN through a partially open door in the b.g...
INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S ROOM - EVENING-Alfred lays on his bed. Bruce in black tie, kneels beside him.
BRUCE
I've spent my whole life trying to beat back death. What good are all my heroics now if I can't save you?
Crow: They never were good, what does he mean.
ALFRED
Everyone dies, Master Bruce. There's no defeat in that. Victory comes in fighting for what we know is right while we still live.
Bruce looks past Alfred. There in the adjacent suite, a young Alfred finishes reading to a young Bruce. Shuts out the light.
Tom: huh.
BRUCE
I love you, old man.
Mike: You can't have my bud lite.
Crow: We did that already.
ALFRED
Remember this. And remember it always. I'm proud of you. And I love you too, son.
They embrace.
Tom: I'm gonna cry. (farts) False alarm.
INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER
(OVER) the doorbell is RINGING. Dick follows Bruce downstairs, the billionaire donning his coat.
DICK
McGregor's Syndrome. That's what Freeze's wife had.
Crow: What do you mean had, she still has it.
BRUCE
Yes. But Alfred's condition is less severe. Freeze's research says he cured a case like Alfred's. It just doesn't say how.
DICK
I checked the medical database. No one else is even close.
BRUCE
I'm late for the dedication. Then I go after Freeze and Ivy. Alone.
Mike: Have fun.
DICK
Like hell you do.
BRUCE
Dick, don't push me right now.
DICK
Or what? No one can capture Ivy but the big bad Bat. Crap! You just want her for yourself. Don't you? Answer me, damn it!
Crow: (as Bruce) Duhhhhhhhhhhh.
BRUCE
Yes! Yes, I want her so badly I can taste it. That's the whole point. Look at us. Orphans. Isolated. Obsessed to the exclusion of life, love, family. We're perfect targets. She's done something to us, got us fighting over her somehow.
DICK
Hail the all-knowing Bruce Wayne. Here's what I know, she loves me, Not you and it's driving you crazy. It's why you stopped us from kissing. Because if you can't have her, nobody can.
Tom: Course theres no takers in the first place.
BRUCE
She's clouded your mind. You're not thinking straight.
DICK
Oh but I am. For the first time in a long time. I'm through living in your shadow. All that ends right now.
Crow: Jeez, what a putz.
Dick walks away. Bruce stares after him. (OVER) The bell RINGS again. The front door swings open, Julie ENTERS. A limo sits out front.
JULIE
I've been ringing forever. Where's Alfred?
But Bruce doesn't answer.
INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
Barbara stands over the old man.
Mike: Clueless girls back.
BARBARA
I'm sorry. I was too late.
ALFRED
Too late for what, dear child?
Tom: Beats us.
BARBARA
I came to give you your freedom, a chance to live the life you choose. The same gift you gave me.
Mike: Course she acutally pawned the gift he gave her.
ALFRED
Alfred smiles, is hit by a sudden wave of pain.
Crow: Ow, shouldnt have played that volleyball game with master dick.
ALFRED
You must do something for me.
Alfred takes her hand, puts an envelope in her grasp.
Tom: It's her bill.
ALFRED
Find my brother Wilfred. Give him This. I have duties he must fulfill in my stead. Only family can be trusted.
BARBARA
What is it?
Mike: An envelope
ALFRED
It is the hearts of two good men whom I have had the honor of calling son. Take it, child. But I implore you, never open it. (he touches her cheek) You look so like your mother.
And with that his eyes close.
All make snoring noises.
BARBARA
Uncle Alfred?
Crow: Can you make me dinner first before you die?
INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - NIGHT A black tie gala celebrating the telescope unveiling. PAMELA ISLEY stands in the center of the room. Alone. Her drab outfit and demeanor make her anything but a conversation magnet. Bruce and Julie ENTER, smiling through the storm of FLASHBULBS, and the crowd of PRESS, being greeting guests. Commissioner Gordon steps away, reaches for champagne off a try.
Tom: Oooh drinky, don't mind if I do.
VOICE (OVER)
I've always wondered, where does that big old bat light come from?
Pamela stands before Gordon. She flips open a compact, blows a pile of love dust, the tiny swirl catching the cop in the face, a bit more hitting Bruce who stands behind the Commissioner.
All: (gagging)
Crow: Nice compact.
GORDON - CLOSE. Stunned. And suddenly in love.
Tom and Crow: (as Wayne and Garth) Sch-wing!
GORDON
(stammering) It's on top of police headquarters.
Mike: Sure it is.
Pam takes Gordon's arm, leads him like a puppy into an alcove.
PAMELA
I'd just love to see it. But you probably don't have access.
GORDON
Why, I'm Commissioner of Police. (patting his pocket) I have the keys right here.
Tom: Is that a bat light in his pocket or....?
BRUCE, still standing with Julie, amidst the PRESS and WELL-WISHERS, seems suddenly distracted, begins looking around the room. As if summoned by an inaudible call, Bruce peels away from a perplexed Julie, begins searching the crowd. A man on a quest. PAM has Gordon against the alcove wall. Her fingers slip into his pocket.
PAMELA
On second thought, you're way too old for me.
Mike: (as gordon) But I'm only 85!
She pushes a stunned Gordon away, spins, heads towards the door, tossing something in her hand. Gordon's keys. A HAND grabs her. Pam spins to face Bruce Wayne.
BRUCE
Dr. Isley. it was like I could feel you in the room. You're...enchanting. Gorgeous. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. If you're..um... free...this evening.
Tom: (as Pam) Actually I'm 9.79 tonight.
JULIE
(arriving) Bruce? What are you doing?
PAMELA
I think he's asking me on a date, in an awkward, stammering sort of way.
Crow: The Hugh Grant method, eh?
JULIE
I've heard of commitment anxiety, but this is insane. You're not really propositioning another woman right in front of me. Are you?
BRUCE
Well, define 'propositioning'.
Mike: Anyone got a Websters?
The PRESS has noticed the conflict, now surround Bruce, Julie and Pam.
JULIE
Make a choice, Bruce. Her or me.
BRUCE
Well...um...her.
All: Oh no.
JULIE
(crestfallen) You were right. I get it. You're not the marrying kind. You've made your point. Goodbye Bruce Wayne.
PAMELA
Physical perfection, charm and wealth tossed over for a dowdy spinster. How do you explain your behavior?
Crow: Hormones I guess.
BRUCE
(puzzled) I can't. But perhaps tonight, over dinner...I've just had an opening.
Tom: His Bat-Fly is open.
PAMELA
Maybe your witless playboy persona works on every bimbo du jour but I am not the least bit titillated by your attentions. So back off or I'll have you in court quicker than you can spell sexual harassment. Got me?
Mike: Got it.
BRUCE
Does that mean dinner's a no?
Tom: (As Pam) No!
Pam has already pushed past him, out the door.
BRUCE
It's just I sort of...kind of ...love you.
All: (sing "I think I love you")
INT. BLOSSOMS TREET TURKISH BATHS - FREEZE'S CHAMBER Freeze stands, putting on his suit.
Crow: (as Arnold) Damn tie
He SNAPS his fingers. A legion of Icemen step out of the swirling mists. Freeze lifts his freezing engine.
FREEZE
Bundle up boys. There's a storm coming.
Tom: (falsetto) Stormy weatherrrrrrrrr
Freeze and his battalion head into the night.
Mike: Take back the night men!
EXT. POLICE HQ - ROOF - NIGHT
A giant door swings open. Bane and Ivy emerge onto the roof.
IVY
Let there be light.
Bane walks to he dormant Batsignal, TEARS it from its shackles.
Crow: Uh, wrong bane.
Tom: Bad villian!
INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - NIGHT
Barbara ENTERS, lost in grief. She sits, turns Alfred's envelope over in her hand. A long beat. She withdraws a single, silver CD.
Mike: Why, its the new Hootie. Thanks Uncle Alfred!
BARBARA
Only family can be trusted?
Crow: Trust no one.
Barbara slides the disk into her computer.
Tom: Time to learn Windows 98. 2001 will be out any minute now.
COMPUTER
Access denied. Protected files.
BARBARA
Perhaps you didn't give me your genes. But you gave me your heart.
All:(Sings) Take another piece of my heart now baby.
Barbara begins hacking the disk, trying to break the code.
INT.-WAYNE MANOR-HALLWAY-NIGHT
Bruce, still in his tux, ENTERS, sits at the main batcomputer console, distraught, starting in to the darkness of the cave. A YOUNGER ALFRED stands with an ADOLESCENT BRUCE, working together over the original Batsuit prototype.
Tom: Now I need to measure your inseam.
BRUCE - CLOSE. As the images dissipate to memory.
BRUCE
Alfred, old friend, I could use your help right now.
ALFRED (OVER)
Right here, sir.
All look.
Bruce spins, stunned. A monitor flickers into life. The words COMPUTER SIMULATION flash under an image of Alfred.
ALFRED
I anticipated a moment might arrive where I became...incapacitated. As such, I programmed my brain algorithms into the batcomputer and created a virtual simulation.
Crow: So much like the real thing.
Bruce stares a beat. Then he smiles.
Mike: Al, you old rascal.
BRUCE
It's good to see you.
ALFRED
What seems to be the problem?
BRUCE
Women.
ALFRED
That, sir, does not compute.
Tom: Yeah, tell Mike about it.
Mike: Shut up!
BRUCE
First Ivy had an intoxicating effect on both Dick and me. Tonight my feelings spread to someone else.
Crow: Wheres th3 Lysol when you need it
ALFRED
Specify, please.
BRUCE
Pamela Isley. I was so attracted to her I couldn't reason clearly. I still can't. She used to work for Wayne Enterprises. Find a file.
Mike: I need to do my nails
ALFRED
Coming on line now, sir.
A spinning Isley appears on the monitor.
Crow: Wheeee!
BRUCE
What was her area of research?
Study and report titles scroll up the side of the image.
ALFRED
Tom: Turnons include snuggling, reading poetry.
BRUCE
Pheromones?
ALFRED
Glandular secretions from animals. Scents that create powerful emotions. Fear. Rage...
Mike: Turn offs include pollution, chemicals and men with cold feet.
BRUCE
Passion. Of course. Find the photo of Ivy after the flower ball.
A spinning Ivy appears beside the spinning Isley.
Tom: Whoopee!
BRUCE
Deconstruct and resolve.
Schematics of various features, finger and retina prints, height, weight, are highlighted and compared. All match.
Mike: Heavens, its the same woman. Uma Thurman!
BRUCE
Amazing what a good wig and contact lenses can do. And I thought Clark Kent got away with murder just wearing those glasses.
Tom: Course he still manages to be totally obvious.
Suddenly ALERT panels start flashing. ALARMS SOUND.
BRUCE
What is it?
ALFRED
It appears, sir, that someone has stolen the batsignal.
Crow: Appears? We just saw Ivy and Bane steal them!
INT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT
Barbara is still hacking away at the disk.
Tom: Come on, I want those Backstreet Boys concert dates!
COMPUTER
Access code accepted.
BARBARA
This better be one hell of a secret.
Crow: Doubtful.
Mike: As if.
She hits a key. a Pictures begin to reflect in the dark of her eye.
Crow: Alicia Silverstone for Acuvue.
Tom: Remember, us? The audience? Can we see?
BARBARA
Oh my God.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET
Freeze's trucks SCREECH to a stop, Freeze and Bane at the helm.
FREEZE
No matter what they tell you, it's the size of your gun that counts.
Mike: There was no need to tell us that.
The giant TELESCOPE of the Gotham Observatory aims into the night.
Tom: Can see the Jetsons on that telescope.
CAMERA CONTINUES UP to the heavens as the BATSIGNAL appears in the sky. Then something amazing happens. The familiar beacon turns blood red, the shape within changing from a bat to bird. THE ROBIN SIGNAL shines over Gotham.
Crow: Somethings different, I can't tell what though.
INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT
THE ROBIN SIGNAL glows on the central monitor.
Bruce stands in civvies talking to Dick who is suiting up.
DICK
That's no batlight, it's a birdcall.
Mike: (Makes a birdcall)
Crow: That was neat.
BRUCE
Her name is Pamela Isley. I saw her talking to Gordon. She must have stolen his keys, altered the signal-
Tom: Yada yada yada.
DICK
And she did it all for me. For love.
Crow: What a CHUMP
BRUCE
She's infected us with some kind of pheromone extract-
Mike: Vasengil?
DICK
Is that it, Bruce? I'm under some magic spell?
Crow: If it were that simple the movie would be over by now.
BRUCE
She wants to kill you.
Mike: That not being a bad thing necesarily
DICK
You'd say anything to keep me away from her. To keep her for yourself.
BRUCE
You once said to me that being part of a team means trusting your partner. That sometimes counting on someone else is the only way to win. DO you remember?
All: No.
Dick doesn't answer.
BRUCE
You weren't just talking about being partners. You were talking about being a family. Well, part of our family is dying. I'm not going to lose everyone I've ever loved. So I'm asking you now, friend, partner, brother - will you trust me?
Tom: Its always been jsut a matter of trust.
INT. OBSERVATORY - TOWER PLATFORM The Scientist and his Associate stand amidst the debris from the party, testing the telescope. (OVER) A TREMENDOUS SMASHING.ON THE FLOOR BELOW Freeze and Bane Enter.
All: Hi.
FREEZE
Hi. Sorry about the door. Is the party over?
BANE begins pulling charges from his satchel and setting them around the room.
SCIENTIST
Who the hell is this nutball?
Mike: Thats Mr. Nutball to you.
Freeze points up, FIRES a cryonic BLAST at him, turning him to ice.
FREEZE
That's Mr. Nutball to you. Half a set of bookends. (to the Associate) You. Go like this.
Crow: Mime! Cool!
Freeze pantomimes the Scientist's frozen expression of terror for the Associate. The Associate, terrified, imitates Freeze's move.
FREEZE
No. move your hands up. Higher. Now a hint more fear. Excellent.
Tom: We'll call you.
Freeze fires another BLAST, freezing the Associate in the same position as the Scientist.
FREEZE
A matched pair. Sometimes I exceed even my wildest expectations.
All groan
Freeze smiles at the mighty telescope.
FREEZE
If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast.
Mike: Should we dress up?
Crow: If we don't want to end up like them.
INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT
Dark. Dormant. The automatic activation sequence engages. Ambient lights come on. Computers flicker into life. The giant Batmobile pedestal begins to rise. On it, no car but a single figure standing now in the center of the cave. Barbara.
Tom: Looks like clueless girl found the batcave.
BARBARA - CLOSE. Eyes wide with awe.
Mike: Wow! Look at all the closet space I can have here!
Barbara walks to the main terminal of the Batcomputer. Touches the console. The Alfred simulation appears on screen.
Crow: (as Alfred) Oh drat, company, better put my pants on.
BARBARA
Uncle Alfred?
ALFRED
In spirit only, I'm afraid.
Tom: Me too.
BARBARA
The boys need help.
The image of Alfred stares at her a beat. Then smiles.
ALFRED
Your mother would be proud.
Crow: Don't be so sure.
MAIN SCREEN - CLOSE. Flickers into life. Costume schematics turn.
ALFRED
Forgive my being personal, dear girl, but I must know your size.
Mike: Ah! Scene end!
EXT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS
Mike: Thank you.
Robin arrives the entrance to the dark baths, lush, inviting, mysterious. He passes the giant bird signal chained to the door, the spotlight shutting out as he disappears inside.
Crow: This is nice, I should really get a membership here and at the gym
INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS
Giant floral fans spin. Leaf curtains undulate. Fruits burst with color. In the center of the cave, a giant bed of buds. Ivy touches the buds. All instantly blossom.
Mike: Talk about a green thumb.
ROBIN (OVER)
Is your thumb the only part of you that's green?
Tom: (as Ivy) No. Come over here and I'll show you.
Ivy looks up. A figure stands in the darkness. She smiles.
IVY
You'll just have to find out.
Ivy extends her hand. Robin steps out of the shadows.BR>
Mike: Pull my finger.
INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TOWER PLATFORM - NIGHT
Freeze attaches the icing engine to the telescope. Bane finishes laying his explosive charges, joins Freeze.
Tom: Let's see how this works.
FREEZE
Big family? Like pets? Don't talk much, do you?
Crow: The strong and silent and weird type.
Freeze engages the engine. Suddenly the entire pedestal is washed in a blue wave of freezing cryonic energy.
EXT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT
The ambient ice wave spreads down, encasing the old structure. The nearby banks whiten, turning into snow cliffs, the river freezing into an icy channel. The Observatory has transformed into a fortress of ice.
Mike: Its a cold time in the dull town tonight.
INT. BATCAVE
A SERIES OF SHOTS. Boots are pulled on. A slim utility belt LOCKS. A cape WHIPS over a lithe female back.
All: Whoah.
Crow: Instant tailor.
Tom: No muss, no fuss.
INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS
Ivy sits on the bed, draws Robin down beside her, faces close.
Mike: It's a sealy posterpedic, dont you know.
IVY
I'm glad you came. I can't breathe without you.
ROBIN
I want us to be together. But I need to know you're serious about turning over a new leaf. I need a sign.
Tom:Here's your sign. (shows "You're stupid" sign to camera)
IVY
How about dangerous curves?
ROBIN
Of trust. Tell me your plan.
Crow: Well, I plan to take the world, and oops!
IVY
Kiss me and I'll tell you.
ROBIN
Tell me and I'll kiss you.
Mike: How bout neither.
IVY
Freeze has turned the new telescope into a freezing gun. He's about to turn Gotham into an ice cube.
ROBIN
(recoiling) I've got to stop him.
IVY
(pulling him back in) One kiss, my love. For luck.
Tom: Kiss of death, look out!
Robin can't resist. They kiss. Ivy pulls back, holds his gaze.
IVY
Bad luck, I'm afraid. It's time to die, little bird.
ROBIN
What do you mean?
Mike: It's time to die, don't you listen.
IVY
You should have heeded your pointy- eared pal. These lips can be murder.
Crow: Spock? Gizmo?
ROBIN
Then you never loved me?
All: (Snicker)
IVY
Love you? I loathe your bipedal arrogance, your animal superiority. My only joy is knowing that even now my poison kiss is sucking the life from your ape-like face.
Tom: Pretty accurate, isnt she?
VOICE(OVER)
I'm not saying I told you so.
Crow: Then don't
Ivy spins. From the shadows, a figure emerges. Batman.
IVY
You're too late. Say bye-bye birdie.
Mike: Good night Gracie.
ROBIN
Sorry to disappoint you. But rubber lips are immune to your charms.
Robin peels a rubber coating from his mouth. Ivy stares in dismay.
All: Ewww.
Crow: He couldnt peel his whole face off?
BATMAN
Robin and I found the cure to your evil spell. And that's teamwork.
Then she SCREAMS her rage. She shoves Robin into the lily pool, the Boy Wonder immediately tangled into predatory vines.MORE VINES wrench Batman hanging upside down to the ceiling, the stalks squeezing our heroes.
Mike: Ok, so Martha Stewart wouldn't like this place.
IVY
Sorry, boys, my vines have a little crush on you.
Ivy begins leaping across lily pads towards the exit.
IVY
Gotta run. So many people to kill. So little time.
Tom: Ok, bye, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
THE SKYLIGHT - EXPLODES. The room fills with moonlight.
A figure comes flipping down from above. Long cape. Tall ears. Black leather. BATGIRL.
Crow: Clueless girl!
BATGIRL
You're about to become compost.
Ivy and Batgirl begin a furious martial arts battle. BATGIRL
Using feminine wiles to get what you want. Trading on your looks. Exploiting men's weakness for sex. Read a book, sister. That passive- aggressive crap went out in the seventies. Chicks like you give women a bad name.
Mike: But its the only good thing she can do.
IVY gets the upper hand, backs Batgirl against the wall.
Crow: Wah, it, hurts.
IVY
As I told Lady Freeze when I pulled her plug, this is a one woman show.
Tom: Hardly
BATGIRL
I don't think so.
Batgirl grabs Ivy's hair, knocking her out with a knee to the forehead, then batcuffs her.
Crow: Kinky!
BATMAN cuts himself freed, drops to the floor to face Batgirl. ROBIN pulls himself, dripping, from the pool.
Mike: Mommy I wet myself
BATMAN
And you are?
BATGIRL
Batgirl.
BATMAN
That's not awfully PC. How about Batwoman? Batperson?
Tom: Or batty in the head girl
BATGIRL
It's me. Barbara. I found the cave.
ROBIN
We gotta get those locks changed.
BATMAN
She knows who we are.
Crow: Yea, you're George and Chris, right?
ROBIN
I guess we'll just have to kill her.
Tom: Go for it
BATMAN
Kill her later. We've got work to do.
Mike: Go ahead and ruin our fun!
The three heroes race into the night.
INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT
Freeze stands on the platform, giant telescope in his hands. (OVER) approaching SIRES.
FREEZE 1-Adam 12, 1-Adam-12, see the mad scientist with the freezing ray.
Tom: See him keep food fresh and prvent freezer burn!
A SQUAD OF CRUISERS SCREAM up the avenue towards the observatory, their bubble lights flashing. FREEZE Cops on the rocks, anyone? Police are so hot tempered these days. Don't you agree, Mr. Bane?
All: No.
EXT. FROZEN RIVER BANKS
A sleek one man ice sail (THE BATSLED) blows out onto the frozen water. Robin is at the helm.A modified white Batmobile on rocket skis (THE BATHAMMER), BLASTS onto the ice, falling in alongside the Batsled. Batman drives.
Tom: We gotta go.
Return to the desk area with the boys
