TNI-LONDON: TEAM SCREWTAPE
Team Screwtape, nearly called Team Flying Monkey-Fuck, was Fulsrush's
first Unknown Armies campaign. As the title suggests, we were a New
Inquisition team based in London, trying to establish a foothold in the
country. What followed was a Tarantino-esque cavalcade of violence,
weirdness, leaps of logic, strange characters and chaotic mayhem,
culminating in a savage betrayal and a demonstration of a killer's true
values. It was superb.
In order to acquire some measure of control over London, Alex Abel
assembled:
'Sovereign' Jackson, plutomancer at large
Cecil Rhodes (under the alias Dan Smith), forger and all-round good guy
"Keys" Dave Sweeney, burdened by a druggie with the nickname Charlie,
sexual deviant and petty thief
Brandon O'Halloran, gangland thug, recently imprisoned for refusing to
betray his old friends
and Vincent Forbes, narcotic alchemist,
former drummer for the Screwtape Letters, and somehow often the sanest
of the team.
...and they say he's a smart businessman.
They worked under a long list of aliases, passing themselves off as:
The Rachel Green Official Fan Club, London Chapter
The Sleepers
The Haymarket Vigilantes
The Hammersmith Vigilantes
The Sun-Pat Vigilantes
The Mile End Vigilantes
The Hampstead Vigilantes
As with the Green Lake quotes
pages, I make no excuses and offer no explanations for the commentary
that follows. It may, however, make slightly more sense.
"Team Flying Monkey-Fuck it is."
"...looking for all the world not
like someone who's just finished a day at the office."
"You're not quite repulsive."
"Yes, I know your true motive. You freeloading bastard."
"It's a fictional character with nice breasts, don't forget."
"There might be gay gangsters, you don't know!"
"No, my associate is now Bent Kev."
"Does it sound like a short, weaselly person?"
It seemed like the thing to do at the time, I'd just drugged him into a
psychotic rage.
...the castanets of Doom...
If you've bust our paperweight, there'll be hell to pay.
You are the thug. Silence.
I reckon something thinks you're a hooker!
CIA can't do accents. They're like Sean Connery that way.
My basic plan is to find someone small - not weaselly...
I'm being vaguely lecherous in the other corner, ignore me.
I don't know, do people masturbate in phone boxes?
I recommend vomit.
This some kind of Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen charnel house motif?
To be honest, Meat Monkey, I don't care what the fuck you do down
here...
Let's just call us concerned vigilantes.
Some people just can't take a rolling pin to the face.
We're not rich enough to be in Hammersmith! We're crap! We got lost!
We're not going to coat a skeleton in Teflon just because you want one.
(On the Kray twins) I dunno, guv, will you want me to grind up their
skulls and snort them?
...so you've trapped the Doggoth in the box...
I'm the only one who can provide medical help. I'm also in a homicidal
rage and the wrong car.
When has the penis ever been logical?
Are you calling me a Yahtzee?
...either he cooperates and lets us shoot an old woman from his
apartment window or he doesn't...
"Can you hire cars at 9pm?"
"With a shotgun?"
We have only ever trashed our own cars. And those we stole.
"Everybody into the penis!"
Scrooge McDuck gone horribly horribly wrong.
"Professional what?"
"Lieutenant!"
"Drunkard!"
If she wants to pick a fight with Brandon she's a braver man than me...
and she's a woman.
We killed him. At least twice.
Memo to Dan: Why don't we have whores?
"Did you just say 'send Charlie streetwalking again'?"
"Yeah, he loves it."
"Frenzy, flight or freeze?"
"Party!"
...stood there with a can of Stella in one hand and a gun in the
other...
"I'll put two twenty pence pieces on her eyes and I'll take her
handbag."
"No bullet."
"Yeah, that's what I like."
"Not the Batcave guv, not this time a'night, not sarf of the river."
"Go to your room."
"No, there were many Steves."
...You're volunteering to be rolled in your own vomit?
We're being responsible psychotic magi.
If we sneak into the morgue we can cut her head off, right?
How many old women do you have to shoot a day to be happy?
Charlie, take your Valium and mop that up.
"I did not have sexual relations with Ross Kemp."
"Bigot!"
We know he's not going to steal from us because he knows we could just
go round and kill his wife and children.
It's pointing at me! Stop it!
Oh, you're repulsive, he won't inquire too closely...
"Have you met his wife, Vivian the blow-up doll?"
"She likes to be handcuffed."
A cross between a Yardie and a Nazi. With hilarious consequences.
Happy Days never had a Nazi in it.
"...with a harpoon gun."
"Irish peat bog?"
"Not now, I'm talking to them!"
"There's a man who doesn't watch enough porn."
"I understand Charlie Dimmock is in custody for deviant behaviour?"
No! You were mumbling! Something about naked Polaroids!
...a truly, truly unpleasant garden gnome.
When you realise the head's gone, you calm down.
The shovel he can keep as a memento of his death.
We're going sightseeing. I see you've worn your most tasteless shirt.