CHAPTER EIGHT: THIS IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL

I believe “iam1funnychick” first came onto the scene in January 2005. At least that’s when I first met her. Internet Fake Tree and some others said they had seen her around before. But for me, “Funnychick” as I called her, seemed to appear out of nowhere, ripping into me for my weight loss program, making fun of the story on my homepage and generally being just plain mean to me.

Her profile claimed she was a 34-year-old woman from Austin, Texas, married and raising “three great kids”. Her picture was that of a pretty, blonde woman smiling into the camera and sitting next to her equally happy-looking husband. She did not use crude language, and at that time I didn’t know her views on marijuana, so I had said nothing to provoke her. I didn’t even know her. Yet she did nothing but cut me down.

Just thinking about her I am starting to hyperventilate, so I don’t know how long it will take me to compose this chapter. I’m not even sure where to begin. I wish I had saved more of her posts, but I have enough that should help document some of this narrative, at least. We began our “discussions” on the old health stories. She was one of those who touted “everything in moderation”. I responded with yes, moderation is good, but that concept did not work for me, because the more I tried to eat “in moderation” the hungrier I got and my cravings were out of control. I was thankful for Somersize, I said, because it helped me learn to eat right, eliminate cravings, and reprogram my metabolism. Funnychick and others kept bringing up how various health organizations cautioned against lowcarb diets, saying they are unhealthy and unbalanced. I would respond that it is obvious these organizations don’t fully understand what lowcarb is about. They and the media have distorted plans like Atkins, focusing only on the short induction period. Besides, I added, there is no induction period on Somersize, and I ate oatmeal or whole-grain bread all along. But I adjusted my intake of those whole-grain carbs according to my metabolism and activity level, because excess carbs can put on weight.

I really thought she would understand this. I mean, what was there not to get? I ate from all food groups and eliminated sugar and refined carbs. What was I supposed to eat? Was there some magic, mystery food out there that I did not know about? I kept referring to my weight loss story, certain that Funnychick would understand what I went through in order to lose weight. She said she did read my story and even showed it to some friends of hers in the medical field. “They were so amazed, they didn’t know whether to laugh or cry,” she said, adding that they thought it was a “spoof” about all the lowcarb fads. I was just stunned. I had worked so hard on that story, never in a million years dreaming anyone would take it wrong. It was so CLEAR! I was so sincere, was not preachy, not trying to make myself out to be “better” than anyone else. I was just matter-of-factly relating what happened to me, how I had been thin and then came to gain weight, how I struggled and then found a way of eating that gave me results. How could anyone find fault with that? I had been so proud, so anxious to share my newfound knowledge! And here this woman was tearing me apart!

She went on to tell me she thought I had an eating disorder and mental problems. She even copied and pasted various paragraphs of my story into her posts, so that she could laugh and make fun. One of them, I remember, was where I talked about how when I first started Somersizing, my husband and I went to our favorite restaurant and asked them not to serve us the fresh loaves of white bread, something they specialized in and offered at the beginning of each meal. In the past, we wouldn’t have thought a thing of eating that, but now that I was trying to lose weight (as was my husband), we were eliminating refined carbs. Funnychick posted this paragraph and then laughed hysterically, as if what we did was the craziest thing on earth. Why couldn’t she just congratulate me on my weight loss? Why couldn’t she see that I had worked hard to obtain the results I did? Why did she have to make fun and put down everything I said?

One night, I was on a board with her and the other Tough Chicks and drmweaver, and Funnychick was agreeing with drmweaver in that the key is “everything in moderation.”

“Well, almost everything”, she added with a giggle, to which drmweaver responded with some equally “cute” post and they all continued on with their happy little conversations. Drmweaver was always nice to Funnychick and the others, and vice-versa. I knew she was talking about sex, and that irritated the heck out of me. It figured SHE would be the type to do that. My friends and I never talk about such things, and I just thought it was inappropriate when people did. It irritated me that she always raved about her life and marriage, about how happy she and her family were. If she was so happy, having this great marriage as she made it out to be, how could she be so MEAN? And why was she only mean to ME? Oh, she just really rubbed me the wrong way! I couldn’t help myself and said something about how it figured she would be the type to talk about sex. Well of course I was bashed for that. But I meant what I said. 

The earliest post I have of hers is from a story about the bread industry, which talked about “last year’s low-carb fad”, and how bread is good for us. I must have made some comments about how we DO eat bread on lowcarb, and that of course it is healthy for us as long as it is whole-grain, and that lowcarb is not a fad but just balanced eating. It really made me mad how the media distorted plans like Atkins and called them fad diets. On February 3, Funnychick was responding to another parody by Cindybin_2001 and said:

“Quite honestly, I do feel for her. She had an addiction to cookies/food. After reading her story on her site, it was also apparent it was about much more than cookies. That isn’t funny to me. What does “get” me is that she just can’t see it. She can’t imagine it was the cookies (even thought she was drinking skim milk with them). She can’t see that a person who is fulfilled in life doesn’t watch the clock waiting for the next batch of cookies. She will believe that Suzanne Somers has all the answers (along with every commercial product I can think of…she puts Hello Kitty to shame with her commercialism). But she thinks the AHA, ACS, ADA and the Kidney people “just don’t understand” and they “haven’t been educated”. She thinks that by diagnosing herself “insulin resistant” she can take the blame off her eating so many cookies and eating unhealthy. Sorry. You were thick around the middle because you were eating LOADS of unhealthy foods. Not because of some “take the blame off my habits” jargon. I’m sorry. If this wasn’t a big money making deal for Suzanne, she wouldn’t have put her name on it.”

Of course, her post received many recommendations from the Tough Chicks and bullies on that board. One can recommend, or “rec” a post by clicking on a link, and the number of recs will show up after the post. I always knew when someone said something particularly hurtful toward me by looking at how many recs the post had received.

Well, after reading this post, I saw red. I was so angry I was shaking. I just could not believe she said those things, after all I had explained to her. It must have been then that I lost control and called her the b-word.

“I know it was the cookies, you bitch!” I snapped. I probably ranted on and on, refuting everything she said in her post. I knew it was the cookies, that’s what I wrote about so clearly in my weight loss story! And yes, Suzanne has a variety of products, but I never did buy any of them. I used her books and that was it. One does not have to buy special products in order to Somersize—it is just plain, healthy eating, I told her. How could she say all these things??? When I wrote my story, I never dreamed it would come to this! I had been so proud of myself and anxious to share what I went through! I was just SO MAD! The b-word was the only thing that fit this Funnychick woman! I must have told her where to go as well. As with my irate post to drmweaver, this new word from Cindybin provided fuel for more accusations of me being a “hypocrite” and mean person. And that made me even madder. I told them that I never swear in real life, and that Funnychick pushed me to my limit! Couldn’t they see that?

A few days after that, I was on a story about sweet drinks being linked to preschool obesity that appeared on the front page. I’m sure all I was doing was talking about the damaging effects of sugar. But some of the Tough Chicks found me and must have been putting me down, because someone started a thread, “Why is Cindybin always screwed with?” Whoever wrote that must have been on my side. Isabel_ro1981, or Izzy for short, replied that she thought I was pretty nice and didn’t know why so many were attacking me. Izzy, one of the regulars on the main stories, was a young woman from New York who was as nice as could be. Quite innocent and naïve, she never used bad language, didn’t use drugs, and had very high morals (she and her boyfriend were practicing abstinence). I liked Izzy and did not want her to think bad things about me. But I just knew that one of the Tough Chicks would try to taint her opinion, and sure enough they did. Funnychick was right there, ready for attack. She started by telling Izzy that there are some people who are rude to me because of my religion. “I think that’s rude,” she said. (I absolutely cringe when I read that statement now, because Funnychick turned out to be the rudest person I have ever met when it came to my religion. But more on that later.)

“But she is rude,” Funnychick continued. “I made a innocuous statement “Everything in moderation. Well, almost everything”, to a board of adults. She came back with “Oh, I guess she’s talking about sex.” And something about “my type” would do something like that. Yeah, my type. LOL. She’s also called me a bitch and told me to, and I quote, ‘GO TO HELL”. My Mormon friends were mortified that she was representing them online…for thousands to see. The above statement was made to me after I said that I felt sorry for her. That a healthy, happy person and a person with a fulfilling life doesn’t watch the clock at home waiting for a decent hour to make a batch of cookies. Much like she would say that SAME THING if someone was trying to drink alcohol before 10 a.m. If you are watching the clock so you can give into your temptation without feeling guilty (on a long-term basis)…something’s up. She traded one addiction (cookies/brownies) for another (the Somersizing deal). She read a couple of books and now her and her online Somersize buddies think that if anyone disagrees, they are “uneducated” in the subject matter. When I pointed out things that the American Heart Association, the American Cancer Society, The Diabetic People and the Kidney People said about low-carb diets, she counters back with, “They haven’t read the book and are uneducated”. LOL. She might be “nice”, but that’s not an educated form of debate. She says in her “story” that she ate cookie batch after cookie batch and switched to skim milk to eat them with…so she couldn’t understand what the problem was. No adult, NO ADULT who has even a small understanding of nutrition or even a modicum of knowledge could think that. She acts as if people who just eat healthily and exercise are full of it. Now we all have problems and I’ll always put mine out on the table, and if someone comments on it I’m fair game. She makes outlandish comments and “facts” when she is brought to the mat, she says ‘GEEZ” or “you just don’t understand.” Like the fact that she diagnosed herself “insulin resistant”…because she had a thick middle. A normal person would say “COOKIES, lady!” She finds something else to “blame”. She says, “Exercise was just masking the problem, only keeping me from eating cookies for a couple of hours, not curing my addiction. But at least it was something. I would get so upset when anything interfered with my workout routine, like if I hadn’t had enough sleep, or had something else to do. Then I knew I would be a slave to the cookies and sweets.”

While I’m glad she’s being honest, she should be able to see this is not an emotionally fulfilled person talking. I’m not trying to be ugly with those comments. If this was my best friend, I’d be concerned. Very concerned. And I’d say something.”

Whew. Typing that up wasn’t quite as hard as I thought. I’m really trying to keep it together here. Anyway, I was mortified that she had said all this to Izzy. In those days, I cared so much about what people thought of me, and I certainly did not want Izzy getting the wrong impression. Funnychick had taken things out of context, distorted them and made me look like a fool. I don’t know if Izzy ever saw that post; I think the story was off the main page by then. But I did respond to Funnychick. Unfortunately I did not save that post. But I do have one from a bit later on that same board, telling her that I had not read her posts to me after my last one to her because she is so upsetting to me.

“But I did want to respond again to this one because I have been thinking about it,” I said. “I just wanted to say thanks a lot for telling everyone that I called you a bad name…like I’m not already feeling bad enough and embarrassed enough about that as it is. I have NEVER called anyone that before in my life, and my Mormon friends would be mortified if they heard that out of me as well. They have told me they think of me as sweet and unassuming. But what you said to me was the last straw. I had been patient as I could be, but you were attacking my personal weight loss story and trying to make me look like a fool and feel bad about myself, like I am some kind of sick person with a mental disorder. I mean, what a thing to say, that you “felt sorry for me”. I told you over and over that I knew I had an addiction to cookies. But my story is very clear on how that addiction came to be. I’m sorry you couldn’t understand it. And it is just AMAZING to me that your medical people thought it was a “spoof”. That story is from the bottom of my heart and something I have always been very proud of. I am very thankful to the Somersize program for helping me OVERCOME that addiction, by teaching me the right way to eat. I KNOW that it’s not normal to watch the clock to make a batch of cookies! Again, do you think I was proud of that fact? Do you think I wanted to be that way? But you just rubbed it in, like I was some kind of a sick loser. I am not “addicted to the Somersizing deal”. What a thing to say. I rarely even think about it—it’s just the way I eat now. The only time I talk about it is on these lowcarb boards, and sometimes with my friends. (In fact, one of my friends from church just started the program, thanks to reading my weight loss story which inspired her.) And it is true that those organizations don’t understand what lowcarb is about. Ask anybody in the lowcarb groups and they will tell you the same thing. The things you said in your posts were extremely rude and cruel. You were trying to cut me down and make me feel worthless. I OVERCAME my problem. Sorry I couldn’t always have been “perfect” like you. And again, thanks a lot for telling everyone how I blew up at you. That really needed to be said again. Just embarrass me more, why don’t you. Sheesh.”

I probably stopped reading Funnychick’s posts for awhile, and really thought that what I said would be the end of it, that she would never put me down for that or anything else ever again. Yeah, right.

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