In December and January, Suthen_Talk and I were still discussing her unladylike quote, but not getting very far. �Have you ever seen me swear?� she asked. �No, and that�s why I can�t understand why you would use that quote,� I responded. �You seem so nice, you do volunteer work at Christmas, and you sound like a good mother.� I tried to give her an example of how this kind of talk could be construed. �Think of the family you might buy a Christmas present for when you do your volunteer work,� I said. �Can you imagine handing them the gift, them thanking you, you all saying Merry Christmas, and then you say, �Oh by the way, life is all about ASS��� Didn�t she see my point? But she still didn�t get it. She just said something about you have to admit that quote is �right on.� Sigh. Oh well, at least she wasn�t as mean as the Tough Chicks, I thought.
Then it happened. One day the trolls brought up the bj thing, and the next thing I knew, Suthen_Talk said, �Your husband must be so sexually frustrated.� That did it. Tears came to my eyes and I pulled out the b-word.
�You BITCH! You�re worse than I thought!� I yelled. And she was! She was a Tough Chick just like the others! I had no idea she was like this, but now she was showing her true colors! And after all the nice things I said about her!
�Well it�s true,� she said. �It�s fun to watch the trolls make fun of you.�
I couldn�t believe it. How did she think this was making me feel? How could she hurt me like this, get so personal and cut me to the core? I hated her! We had it out a few more times in the following weeks. I tried to make her realize how hurtful this was, how I cried about it, how it�s become such an issue for me.
�Well it must have hit a nerve,� she said.
�Of course it hit a nerve!� I replied. It was very upsetting to me! How did she think it was going to make me feel?
I almost puked when I saw her talking to Izzy one night, and they were both being so nice and sweet to each other. �Nice to see you again,� Izzy said. �Nice to see you, too,� Suthen_Talk replied. I told Suthen that I knew Izzy didn�t perform oral sex. �Why don�t you tell her that her boyfriend must be so sexually frustrated?� I snapped. I told her that I was going to tell Izzy what she had said to me, so that Izzy would know what Suthen was really like. Women like her made me sick. It just goes to show that if a woman casually uses the a-word, chances are good she�s a b-word inside.
It was also probably around this time I had a cat fight with �declaude�, a woman in her mid-30�s named Brenda who worked as a paralegal. She and I went way back, being one of the first people I talked to on the boards. The mother of a teenage son, she used to have a job which allowed her to post frequently, but her new duties were more demanding so I didn�t see her too often. When I saw her one evening probably in January, I checked her profile and sure enough, she still had the picture of herself lying on her stomach on the beach in an extremely skimpy string bikini which made it look like her bottom had nothing on it at all. I understand the styles are different these days than when I grew up, but I and even some others had mentioned to her that this photo was too revealing. She also always freely admitted that she had flashed herself during some event in New Orleans. I was appalled, saying that this is no way for a lady to behave. �You are a mother!� I said. �A woman needs to have a sense of modesty! You should NOT go around flashing your boobs for all to see!� She always seemed to be a good sport about it, and I tried to be nice, too, telling her I was just looking out for her like an older sister. I also remembered how in the past she freely talked about how she performs bj�s, describing how it made her partner feel and how proud of herself she was. While talking to other posters, she had said other things about her sex life as well, like how she just wants to sleep after a wild romp in bed. These posts were made when I was still a relative newbie and afraid to say much of anything. But I had changed. This night, something set me off, I can�t remember what it was�perhaps she used a crude word or something, and I started in on her. I blasted her for flashing herself, for posting her butt picture on the World Wide Web all the time, for talking about her sex life, and for using crude language. �How could you DO these things?� I said. �How could you flash your boobs, and tell us all about your sex life and say the things you do?� She conceded that some things she said were swear words, but did not think the a-word was bad. �I even let my son say that,� she said. I told her that was terrible. My sons would never have used that when they were teenagers, and they still wouldn�t! And here she just lets him talk like that?
And then some meanie came by and posted a link to one of the offensive cartoons someone had made about me long ago. I had seen it before, and I can take a joke, but this cartoon was so bad, so sexually violent and offensive toward women, all I could say when I watched all those months ago was, �Oh my gosh!� Jeannette insisted on seeing it, and she, too, could only say, �Oh my gosh!� Brenda, on the other hand, laughed hysterically. She thanked the bully troll for posting the link and making her day. I was so mad! �How can you laugh at something so disrespectful toward women??? You are a WOMAN! You are a MOTHER!!! You are intelligent and have a good job! How can you commend this person for making such a filthy, violent, degrading cartoon? What is WRONG with you???�
She just laughed some more, thanked the guy for the link again, and signed off to go to bed.
All together now: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YAHOO WOMEN?
Oh well, at least there were still some nice people on Yahoo, I thought. However, January 11, 2006 something happened that threw me completely by surprise. Pixie, Fairiewhings and I had just joined a board, and I was reading some of Fairie�s posts. She sounded so nice and friendly to everyone. I knew she had me on ignore, and it was so frustrating. It just drove me nuts that she wouldn�t let me talk to her about marijuana, that she thought I was this terrible person, when I am really so nice and was just trying to help her. I caught her using a crude word and it set me off. She and I had talked about this numerous times, and it was obvious that I had never gotten through to her. Even though I knew I was on ignore, I said something about how terrible it is that she smokes pot. Part of me wanted the others to know she was a pot-smoker. It drove me crazy that she thought she was above the law and could do this because she was a �good person.� She of all people should know better! And here all these people were treating her so nicely, not knowing that she smoked pot. So I said it. I admit, I was very upset due to being on ignore, and knew she wouldn�t see it anyway. Even if she did, Fairie was not the type to get all rattled by it. As I�ve said before, I would not pick on someone if I thought I was going to hurt their feelings. But if she casually used crude words and thought nothing was wrong with smoking pot, she wasn�t a cowering little wimp who would cry at comments from little Cindybin.
Well, suddenly Pixie lit into me, accusing me of �attacking� Fairie. She said something like, �I�m as against drugs as you are, but we should not attack people. Fairie is a good person!� I was stunned. I didn�t know what to think. After all the emails we had sent, after all the explaining about my view on drugs, Pixie still thought I was saying that Fairie was a bad person. I had always told her just the opposite�that she is a GOOD person, too GOOD to be doing something like that, especially since she is a mother! All the times I talked to Fairie, I was hoping she would see the light, and wake up and realize what she was doing is wrong. I was trying to help her see that �Yes, here I am a grown adult with a good job and family; I have a son to think about, I�m intelligent, and nice and sweet and caring. Cindybin is right. I really SHOULD know better than to smoke pot. I�m going against everything that most parents try to teach their kids about drugs and life. And who am I that I think I�m above the law? Just because I don�t look the type to smoke pot and probably won�t get caught, it doesn�t make it right. I should think of all the people who DO get caught and what they go through. I�m no better than them just because I don�t get caught. I really should stop this. I should stand up and serve as an example, rather than helping to keep the whole illegal drug trade in business, and acting like there�s nothing wrong with lighting up a joint now and then just because I�m a good person. In fact, because I�m such a good person, it makes it WORSE that I do this!� These are the things I was always hoping Fairie would say to me when I tried to talk to her about drugs. But I couldn�t anymore, because she put me on ignore. That�s mainly the reason I said what I did, because I was so mad she shut me out when I was trying to help.
So when Pixie said what she did, I couldn�t believe my eyes. I didn�t know what to say. I stared at her profile to make sure it was really her and not some imposter. But it was Love_is_a_Verb, the Pixie I knew. I had always thought she was so great, had raved about her, defending her to others, respecting her views on everything and admiring her greatly for what she went through in her life. I had started an email to her since I owed her, planning to tell her all kinds of things and catch up on our �girl talk.� And now she was accusing me of �attacking� Fairie and saying that I thought Fairie was a bad person. Did she really not understand any of my emails after all? I was so stunned I had a hard time replying to her, and just sort of typed out what came to my mind, which was something about how I guess she didn�t understand. Then Pixie replied, �No, YOU don�t understand.� She said something else after that�I can�t remember what�but it sounded very harsh. Well, harsh for Pixie. I had never heard her talk like that, especially to me. I was just shaking. I knew I couldn�t talk to her again after this. Tears came to my eyes, I was so sad. All I could think of in response was something about how I couldn�t believe she was saying these things, and that it had been nice knowing her. �So long,� I said, and left the board. I realize that may have come off sounding a bit �final�, but I had little time to compose exactly what I wanted to say, and didn�t even KNOW what I wanted to say. I was just numb. It HAD been nice knowing her. I meant that. But how could we talk again after what she had said to me?
Later that month Vodka Good/BohunkPolack turned on me, too. I thought we were friends, and then he made a post where he accused me of thinking that anyone who smokes pot, gives bj�s or goes to strip clubs is �evil�. We had talked about the bj issue months ago on the boards, after he accused me of thinking sex is dirty or something. �Sex should be fun!� he said. I was furious, telling him that just because a woman doesn�t have it in her to perform a BLOWJOB doesn�t mean she thinks sex isn�t fun! It just means she is NORMAL! How could he SAY that stuff to me? Did he realize how he was making me feel? He had finally apologized and I thought we were fine, especially after exchanging pictures at Christmas. But then he had to go and make that insulting post. I emailed him and told him that he was making me feel like a freak over the bj thing, and that as a father he should be supporting me about the marijuana issue rather than making me look like a fool. This wasn�t the first time something like this happened. He just really irritated me. Every time I�d think we were okay, he�d turn on me. I was through with him.
Then he started being a troll with Dana, saying that some picture she posted of her drinking alcohol in a bar proved that she was a bad mother. Dana said that picture was from a vacation with some other couples, and that she was entitled to go out and have some fun every once in a while. He kept insulting her, and I could tell she was bothered. I knew from being in the email group with her that she wasn�t like how Vodka Good was portraying her. Finally I stepped in and said something about how maybe Dana doesn�t post the personal family photos where she IS with her daughter! Dana said �bingo!� and agreed that she doesn�t like to post personal things.
And then CLUCKIE turned on me! I remember it well; it was January 25, and we were on some board and out of the blue he told me I have a �fear of oral sex.� It always made me so mad when people said that, as if I had the attitude of �Eww, a penis!� I told him I did NOT have a �fear� of oral sex. He replied, �Oh yes you do!� I asked him to please stop, that he was making me look like a freak just as the trolls tried to do. He then told me that I didn�t need HIM to make me look like a freak. Words cannot express how hurt and shocked I was. As long as we had known each other, and talked on Messenger, he comforted me when my dad died, and then he attacks me for the bj thing. He was a bully. I couldn�t take it. I put him on �ignore��the first and only person I have ever done that to. I may have stopped reading some people�s posts, but I never put anyone officially on ignore before. I didn�t even want to see his name. I deleted him as a friend from �myspace.com� as well as from my Messenger list. That was it for Cluckie. I will never understand how he could say that. The ONLY thing I can think of was that I had been accusing Valerie of being Cluckie, which I still think is true, and he tried to seek revenge. I don�t know for certain, of course. But his words were something I couldn�t forget. What a month January was turning out to be. And it wasn�t even over yet.
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Chapter 29