|CHAPTER 23: THE DEATH WISH
Fuschia had been open about her husband’s near death experience from a heat attack. I don’t know when it happened, but I’m sure it was before I met her. By the time I saw her posts about it, she had said so many hurtful things to me that I was not about to express any sympathy. So I just didn’t comment at all.
Drmweaver was still around, becoming nastier and nastier, despite my attempts to appease him. I tried everything—ignoring him, being nice, being sickeningly sweet, telling him off. Sometimes I lost it and blew up. He started sending me emails. “I bet you haven’t used your twat in years!” he said in one of them. I couldn’t believe he could be so mean and crude. I never saw him like this with anyone else. All because I had tried to dispel some misconceptions about lowcarb! I never dreamed that subject could generate such hostility.
Several of us were on an old story one evening, and he was still up to his tricks. I told the others about the rude emails he sent, how he used such awful language. They just laughed. It drove me nuts that these women were all nice to him. I saw Fuschia say hi to him all sweetly, and I saw red. I thought of all the mean things drmweaver had said to me, and here she was being so nice to him, I thought of all the mean things Fuschia said to me, and how nobody ever stuck up for me, nobody said a word to her or anybody else.
I wanted to get her where it hurt, the way she got me where it hurt. But I couldn’t think of anything. What could I say to her? Make fun of her studying pharmacology? I had told her before that I admired her for that. I didn’t know of any hobbies she had to ridicule, not that I’d do that, anyway. I wouldn’t make fun of her looks. I couldn’t make fun of her for not giving bj’s—we all knew she did that, and to completion as well. What was there left? I was so furious. The only thing I could think of was her husband. No, I couldn’t say that, I thought. But I did. I saw her being all sweet to Drmweaver even after I told her what he said to me, and I typed it. “I HOPE YOUR HUSBAND DIES OF A HEART ATTACK!” Hit enter and there it is, right on the screen.
“He already almost did, dipshit,” Fuschia replied. I knew that. That’s why I said it. My blood was still boiling and I don’t know what I said in response, if anything. All I knew was that I had wanted to hurt her, and that was the only way I knew how.
I don’t recall what happened in the days that followed, except I do have a post saved that I wrote to Silver on August 19. Most all of it had been said before, but she drove me so crazy I felt it needed to be said again:
“SILVER: “How can you be nice to these women????? How can you be nice to Ticky, who tells me I’m a frigid, selfish prude, and Funnychick who makes fun of me and says my husband is going to hookers and that they don’t even make him pay because they feel so sorry for him?????? How can you be nice to these women and think they are nice???? Do you have any idea how much this hurts me???? I cry all the time, every day. I just hate them all so much. Funnychick makes fun of me for my religion, telling me I wear a kick me sign on my back, as if I joined it to hurt myself (because my husband is not a member). HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT????? I would never make rude comments to a person about their religion!!!!! NEVER!!!!! She has no right to judge me!!!! I do the best I can in my situation, which is all any of us can do!!!!! How can she be so mean???? And she claims to be a Christian, telling us of how she sits around the table with her family and says prayers and they all take turns telling something good about each other. Yet she thinks nothing of hurting me, a nice woman!!!!! I wish I had never made my religion known. I am not some fanatical Bible-thumper, I have my beliefs but I don’t push them on anyone. And yet she makes fun of me, there was one time she tried to trip me up about my religion, twisting around things I said to make me look like a fool, and when I got upset and cried, she LAUGHED!!!!! She thought it was a big joke to make fun of the nice Mormon lady. And you are nice to her!!!!! You all think she is cool!!!!! I never even knew her when I came on these boards, and she came out of the blue and started ripping apart my weight loss story, laughing and ridiculing, just tearing it apart!!!!! I spent weeks calmly trying to explain misconceptions she had about it. At that time I hadn’t blown up yet, hadn’t started cussing or anything. I was nice and patient. But she just kept pushing and pushing. She was ruthless. This is just one example. And fuschia and Internet Fake Tree making fun of my pictures and my sex life…all the mean things they have said. That’s why I lashed out at Fushcia and said what I did, because I was just so hurt and angry that she purposely tries to get me where it hurts, and since she already performs blowjobs, I didn’t know what else to do but get her where it hurts her. I had spent so much time with her before, trying to help her feel better about the missionaries snubbing her which she had told me about. I told her how I admired her for studying for her pharmacology degree, how intelligent she must be. And all I got was abuse, abuse, abuse, with her spreading rumors that I wished death upon her children, etc. I just cannot believe you are nice to these women. How can you be nice to Ticky? She has hurt me so much, telling me I’m a frigid, selfish, prude. Funnychick last night making fun of me and saying my husband is going to hookers, and saying rude things about my religion. I just can’t understand it. I am just such a wreck. It wouldn’t be so bad if I knew you were all trolls and just teenage punks or something. But you are all grown women with good jobs and families and education. I just don’t understand it.”
I don’t know if Silver even replied to this post; if she did, I didn’t save it. But I had poured my heart out in it, hoping it would make a dent.
Cousintocindy was still imitating my characteristic style, only now there was “i_am_not_cindy_or_her_cousin”, who I think was same person, and she was parroting some of my “tantrums”. Many times I’d start out calm and collected, and then get so worked up before I knew it I’d be cussing and telling everyone where to go. On August 19, she replied to Fuschia, who must have said something about pot being “natural”:
“What do you MEAN, “natural”???? What are you TALKING about???? Of COURSE it’s “natural”, it’s a PLANT!!! SHEESH! I just can’t believe you would even SAY that, I mean it. There’s a big difference between planting turnips in a garden, watering them, watching them grow, pulling them out, cleaning them, cooking them and then eating them and consuming MARIJUANA JOINTS to get “stoned”. Don’t even TRY that “natural” stuff with me!!! Do you think I’m THAT stupid???? Do you think that one is going to go over very well in front of a stern, harsh judge who doesn’t have time for such airy-fairy theories about how “society’s got it all messed up, this is natural, man”???? No, of course not, he’s there to do his job, and these are the laws. I didn’t invent them, I’m just stating the reality, right? That’s the way it is, and it doesn’t even MATTER whether I think they should be rewritten. But most parents teach their children to stay AWAY from drugs anyway, because they have higher EXPECTATIONS. Getting “stoned” on “joints” is just not right—kid OR ADULT. I’m not saying we should go out and get smashed on alcohol just because it’s legal. No, we shouldn’t do THAT either. Man, you guys just don’t get it. You really don’t. What is it going to take for you guys to see the simple FACTS???? Are you even paying attention????? Here I’ve posted that point about 3 or 4 times by now, and yet I am STILL finding posts by you Tough Chicks arguing AGAINST ME!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT GOING TO TAKE???!!!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, THIS IS GOING TO DRIVE ME FUCKING BONKERS!!!!!! YOU SHOULD BE SUPPORTING ME INSTEAD OF BEING FUCKING JERKS AND BITCHES!!!!!!!!! FUCK, I CAN’T STAND THIS!!!!!!!1 FUCK YOU ALL AND GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Some people still thought I was cousintocindy or i_am_not_cindy_or_her_cousin, but I kept assuring them I was not. “I am 48 years old, I’m too old to be doing characters,” I’d say. And it was true. It was all I could do to keep up with my Cindybin ID. And making up characters just was not like me. Besides, even though cousintocindy echoed my views on marijuana, she still said some things I would not say—embarrassing things. I just did not want people thinking I was her or anyone else. I don’t know if they believed me, though.
“Justanaveragenormalperson” was probably the same person as well, but who can really be sure. This person sent a parody to Colorado_pioneer, who obviously must have been laughing at me.
“Oh sure, go ahead laugh some more!! You’re having a GREAT time, right??? Make fun some MORE!!! Why not say LMAO???? Right??? LAUGHING (YOUR) ASSSSSS OFFFFFF, right???? Why not use some of that AWFUL language while you’re at it???? I’m sure you’ve been posting all over different boards and making fun of me, my husband, my connecting bathroom, which I love, and generally trying to make people see me as a worthless LOSER, a TROLL, right????!?!!!!!! I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE HOW TERRIBLE PEOPLE LIKE YOU ALL THOSE BRUTALLY MEAN TOUGH CHKCS HAVE MADE ME FEEL!!!!!! THIS HAS BEEN SUCH AN AWFUL EXPERIENCE!!!!!!!!!!1 I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD HAVE USED LANGUAGE LIKE THIS AND BECOME SO ENRAGED, BUT I CAN BASTARD LIKE IT’S NOTHING NOW, AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU CRUEL FUCKING JERKS AND BITCHES AND I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!1 FUCK YOU ALL AND GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!”
This post was not so far off from many of the things I actually said. So as you can see, I had turned into a raving maniac.