Surrendering
Chapter
13: A Birthday to Remember
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January 26th
Crap, today’s Fred’s birthday. I still haven’t gotten him anything.
Even though we’re not the best of friends right now, doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore the fact that it’s his birthday. Maybe I’m the only one who remembers?
They/we won the game yesterday. I was benched because of my injury, and because Bombay got mad at me for throwing food. I watched the game from the bleachers, annoyed with the fact that Fred didn’t get pulled out of the game.
Today I’m going into town to get something nice for my stupid boyfriend.
I decided to leave after our last lesson of the day. Charlie gazed at me while I was rapidly throwing my books into the bag. “You late for anything?”
“No,” I answered. “Just so damn glad to get the hell out of here.”
He just nodded. I wonder if there’s anyone on the team who’s mind I haven’t been able to annoy?
“Look, I know you’re supposed to be the loner of the team,” he told me. “But it would be nice if you would like to hang out with the rest of us too. Unless you have an urge of throwing food at anyone again.”
“That wasn’t my fault,” I answered.
“You started it,” Charlie pointed out, like I didn’t already know that.
“Well, they both deserved it,” I said.
“They probably did,” he smiled. “Seriously, why are you in such a hurry?”
I looked at him. “Uhm, I’m supposed to buy something for someone today.”
“What?”
”I don’t know yet. You see, someone I know turns fourteen today.”
Is Fred just fourteen? He seems a lot older to me.
“You’re going into the city?” Charlie asked. “If you want to, I can tag along.”
“Okay,” I hesitated. “If you want to.”
That’s how I ended up spending the day with Captain Duck. Captain Annoying. Captain All-around-good-guy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What do you buy for someone who already has everything? Or at least has the money to buy himself anything he wants?
I never knew how rich he was until we got to Canada, and he got himself drunk that night. I wish he could’ve remembered a few things from that night, but he barely even knows that it took place.
I was trying to wrap the present I’d bought for him. I suck at wrapping presents. I always cut my finger with the scissors, or tape my fingers together. That’s one reason to why I always boycott Christmas. Another reason is because I just hate that holiday.
After a few meters of destroyed wrapping paper, I decided to just put a nice little bow on the bag. When I failed in the ‘bow-making’, I was close to throw the damn thing out of the window.
Someone knocked on my door just when I was about to give the string another try. “Who is it?” I yelled.
“It’s me,” Fred answered. “Can I come in?”
I threw the bag under my bed in pure frustration. “Uhm, yeah!”
Fred opened the door and stepped in. “You should lock the door when you’re alone,” he told me. “What’s going on?”
“With me?” I asked stupidly.
“For example, yes.”
“Nothing.”
“How did I know you were going to say that?”
He looked a bit sad, maybe because no one had remembered his birthday. I had no idea, since I don’t know his parents. My parents never forget my birthday, but maybe Fred’s parents are different?
I got up from the floor and decided to put our differences aside for a moment, so I went up to him and threw my arms around his neck. “Happy birthday,” I said. I have to admit, it’s great to have a boyfriend to hug sometimes.
Fred smiled at me. “Thank you, Cecilia. I thought you’d forgotten about that.”
“Nah, I never forget important stuff,” I replied and kissed him on the cheek. “You just looked so sad, I didn’t want to save my greetings for later.”
“Later? What happens later?” he asked.
“I dunno. Food, maybe?”
Fred laughed. “Yeah, maybe. Are you always hungry?”
“Only when I’m awake.”
It felt unnecessary to have an argument about my eating-habits on Fred’s birthday, so I decided to save that for later. We still had some unsolved business from yesterday to talk about. According to Fred, if I could decide, we’d bury those conversations and never talk about it again.
“I actually came here to ask if you want to go out somewhere,” Fred said.
“Sure,” I answered.
If I’d known more about what I know now, I’d do several things different. I wish there was a way you could look into the future. The next time I meet Michael J. Fox, I’ll ask him about it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I lied to Fred that day. That day when we almost slept together. That day when it rained so much. That day in that town, which name I still can’t remember. That stupid day, in the back of that stupid car. Where I told him that I was ready. When he saw right through me, like I was made of glass, destined to break at any time. I lied to him, right to his face. I even asked him why he didn’t want to sleep with me. He knew perfectly well that I was a fake, from inside to out.
I am a fake.
You’ll know why in just a while. Because I’m going to tell you. I’ve never told anyone before.
Fred is this really nice guy. I really don’t deserve him. He protects me and watches over me. Even though I behave like a bitch all the time.
But I can’t let him get under my skin like that. If he gets too close, I’ll probably get used to the thought of having him around. So what will happen when it all wears off? When he realizes that I’m not worth the while? He’ll leave me, and I’ll be alone again. I can’t risk being such a victim.
Fred’s the best boyfriend in the world. Someday he’ll discover that he can get anyone he wants, and then he’ll be gone. He’ll leave me for someone better, and I’ll never found anyone to love me ever again.
This sucks.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My Mom once told me that it is better to know how pain feels, then to go through life feeling numb.
I still don’t get what she means by that. Someday I’ll ask.
Fred turned fourteen today. I’m surprised about that, because he acts more like he’s sixteen or older. If you disregard yesterday’s little food-throwing.
I wonder how old I act. Four? Six? Eleven?
Fred told me once that he’s always had bad luck on his birthdays. He specifically said that all his other birthdays pretty much ‘sucked’. My intention was to change that. My former birthdays sucked too. Not all, not the ones from when I was little, when we all pretended to be this big, happy family.
Fred knows how to freak me out. He knows what to say to make me go out of my mind. Damn him.
He took me out to this fancy restaurant, one of those expensive ones. I have to say; the food tastes better when it cost fifty bucks per pea. He’s too kind for his own good.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said.
I’d been thinking too, but about stuff I didn’t want to share with him.
“About what?” I said, while chewing on a piece of delicious chicken. I can’t talk while I’m eating, especially not if it’s an expensive dinner.
“About us. I never said I’m sorry.”
“For what? You’re not thinking about the pudding again, are you?”
“No, I’m not so sorry about that,” he smiled. I pretended to throw a piece of bread at him.
“So, what?”
“For my comment the other day. It was just a joke.”
“I know,” I answered. No, I’d been chewing my nails off because of that comment, just because I’d considered it as a serious question.
“Good, because I didn’t want to rush you or anything.”
I gave him a pointedly look. “I’m not the one needing time here.” This subject makes me nervous. I can’t talk about sex, not with him.
“I’m still not sure,” he told me. I felt my cheeks get warmer and warmer. It made me uncomfortable to talk about this.
“I know,” I lied.
“You don’t know a thing,” he laughed. “You’re obviously just trying to fake your way through this whole conversation.”
“No, I’m not. I’m just hungry.” Great explanation. Just perfect.
Fred shrugged. “It felt right the last time, didn’t it?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
What was he talking about? He was the one that refused to sleep with me the last time. That night when everything went wrong.
“But it was definitely right to wait back then,” Fred concluded. I nodded. “But what about now?”
I felt completely helpless. This is how he manages to always freaking me out. By asking questions and talk about certain subjects.
I didn’t answer his question. I just kept eating my chicken, while feeling sick.
While we were walking home along the beach, I realized that it was the first time since we got here that we’d been able to spend some time alone together, by ourselves. I also realized that walking along the beach was considered as SUCH a girly thing to do. But I let it slide.
“You wanna go back to school?” Fred asked me.
“You’re kidding? You think I’d voluntary go back to that place?”
“How should I know, you haven’t told me how you feel about that place yet.”
“Sorry,” I muttered.
Fred grabbed my hand and dragged me up the stairs from the beach. I just followed him. I always do.
“Fred?” I asked.
“Yeah?”
“I want to say sorry too.”
“For the water?”
“Nah, I’m not so sorry about that... Fred, I lied to you.”
“Okay,” he said easily.
“Just ‘okay’?”
“I know you’ve been lying to me. I’ve just been waiting to see if you’re gonna face up or not.”
“If I wasn’t going to face up, what’d you do?”
“Confront you.”
Everything is so damn easy for that guy. Way too easy. I wish I could see the world like he does. Through five hundredth dollars worth of sunglasses.
“I want to go somewhere,” I told him.
“We’re going somewhere. Back to the school.”
“Somewhere else,” I hurried to say.
“Anywhere in particularly? I’d offer Paris, but we have school tomorrow.”
“Just somewhere.”
I’ve never done anything remotely as dumb as I did today. I tried to get Fred off my back, by lying to his face again. Just like I did the last time. It didn’t work then, and honestly, I didn’t think it would work now either. But it did. I obviously told Fred all the right stuff.
Fred noticed at once why I was acting so strange, so he told me off at his usual routine. “When I planned this evening, I never meant for us to sleep together. I just wanted to show you that your dream isn’t impossible to make true, you know,” he said.
I don’t know what ‘dream’ he was talking about. The dream of over-priced chicken, maybe.
“You told me that all of your past birthdays have been a complete failure, right? I love you more then anyone else in this world, I’ve known that a lot longer then you have. When you said you loved me too, I can’t express how happy I was for that split second, before I realized that if I ever lost you, I’d die. Never leave me, promise,” I replied. I don’t know where all that crap came from. It made me look all vulnerable.
“I promise that I’ll never leave you. You know I love you more then anything, too. I’d never let you down,” he told me. The weird thing is, I think he was being sincere. That made even more nervous, so I shot back with an even higher stake. It was like a game of poker, and I was waiting for him to call my bluff.
“I know. That’s why I decided to make this a birthday to remember. For you,” I continued.
“What do you mean?” he asked, sounding confused.
I leaned in to kiss him, and he answered my kiss. I was a mess inside, because I didn’t know if I was telling the truth, or telling lots of lies in a row.
“I’m ready this time, Fred. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I want to sleep with you tonight. If you’re ready too, of course.” Okay, that was a flat out lie. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but I just said I was anyway. So I convinced myself that I was in fact ready.
“Are you sure?” he asked me.
“More sure then ever before. Yes, I’m ready.”
Never convince yourself that you’re something that you’re not.
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