Surrendering
Chapter
14: Two By Sea
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January 27th
I’m fine. That’s the phrase I’m going to use for this moment. Fine.
This is all Fred’s fault, actually. If he hadn’t brought it up, I never would’ve tried to convince him otherwise. He said that I weren’t ready, so I decided to be the opposite to not ready.
So, this is how it feels? It doesn’t feel any special at all. I just feel empty inside, but I have myself to blame for that.
Yes, I slept with him. Not in the backseat of any car. Not to make him happy. I was stupid enough to do it, just to prove a point. A tiny, pointless point. If a point can be pointless. What am I talking about?
Technically, I gave him my virginity for his birthday. I wonder if he can top that off when I turn fourteen? Doubtful.
When I woke up this morning, I refused to realize what I’d done. I refused to accept the fact that I’d woken up into a whole other world then the one I’d fallen asleep in. Actually, I didn’t quite realize where I was until I sat up.
Note to self: When telling a guy that you want to go ‘just somewhere’, remember to find out where that ‘somewhere’ is located, so you can get the hell out of there as fast as possible if necessary.
I’ve slept next to Fred many times. I’ve just never slept with him before. Like I did last night.
At least he didn’t leave me all alone, wherever I was. He was still there, next to me. Sleeping. I wanted to shake some life into him, but I decided not to. He would only ask me questions. Care about me. Stuff like that.
I put on my clothes and began to search around for my shoes. Fred woke up after I stabbed my toe in the door. Waking up to me cursing must be a delight.
“So, you’re awake?” he said.
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
“What time is it?” he asked. Damnit, he stole my question. What was I supposed to say now?
“Half past eight,” I told him.
Fred smiled at me and sat up. “You’re leaving me already?”
“No, I was just... getting dressed,” I explained.
He nodded slowly. He probably understood why I was acting so strange. It was pretty obvious.
“I’ll get dressed in a second,” he said.
I went into the bathroom. I heard Fred ask for me, but I was busy staring into the mirror. I didn’t look any different. I didn’t even look depressed. Why did I feel like a mess when I didn’t look like one?
I panicked. I couldn’t stand my own reflection, and I freaked out again.
We walked back to the school. I still don’t know where we’d spent the night. I never asked, because I don’t want to know. Maybe I’ll ask later. When I grow old, and meet Fred at some kind of a reunion. ‘Hey, Fred, remember me? Your first sexual experience? By the way, where exactly did I lose my virginity?’
Nah, I’ll save that for my therapy sessions.
Fred walked me back to my room. Just when I was about to shut the door in his face, he grabbed my arm. “Cecilia?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t regret last night, do you?”
“No, why?”
“It looks like you do.”
“I don’t,” I assured him.
I didn’t say that it was bad, coz it really wasn’t. I mean, if I really think about it, I might even say that it felt good. It’s just that feeling. That bad feeling, that I’m inadequate. What if he thought it was bad? What if he thought I was bad? But I liked it. I can admit that.
Who am I kidding? Besides from myself? I haven’t even coped what happened last night. How can I say that I liked it, before I even know what happened?
“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked.
There’s nothing I’d be happier about, then to not have to talk about ‘it’.
I did what I always do. I pushed him away.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Another breakfast.
I’d just begun to realize what I’d done, so I was really not in the mood of eating.
If I only could turn back time. I would if I could. Then I’d tell Fred all about it. I’d really talk to him.
I’d probably not tell him a damn thing, but I could pretend, right? Since I don’t have the ability to actually turn back time.
They were all having loud conversations, while I was staring into the table. I knew that Fred was staring at me from across the table, so I avoided him the best I could. He knew. He knew it all.
“Look, I’m telling you, it tastes exactly like soap,” I heard Charlie say. Not a conversation I’d like to know more about. What kind of person would eat something that tastes like soap anyway?
“If that’s soap, I’d be eating soap instead of this sandwich,” Connie replied.
My curiosity awoke. I wanted to know what soap tasted like.
“It doesn’t taste like soap, it tastes like marshmallows,” Goldberg said.
I looked up. Maybe I could find out more about this intriguing topic? I had no time to ask, someone approached the table with a firm expression on his face. It was that guy from yesterday. That... Kent? I need a new brain for my birthday.
Keith! Ha, I remembered his name. He stopped behind Fred’s chair and stared at me. I stared back.
“Can we help you?” Portman asked. “Have you lost your way? The table for those with IQ below average are over there.”
Keith looked like he wanted to choke someone. Fred was closest, so I hoped there wouldn’t be any manslaughter today.
“Your little Duck-squad are the newcomers at this school,” he told Charlie. “Tell your team to back off.”
“I don’t tell them what to do. I only tell them what NOT to do,” Charlie smiled.
“You don’t wanna end up in the soar, do you?”
What kind of threat is that? Maybe I shouldn’t question it, though, who knew what does footballers could be capable of.
“Not especially,” Charlie answered.
Keith gave me another evil stare. “Maybe you should keep track of your players a little bit better,” he said to Charlie.
“Why?”
“They might be, I don’t know, all stupid and stuff.”
That was not a very good insult, but I stood up anyway. “This is a greeting from below the border,” I said. “Mind your own business.”
“You still owe me money,” he replied.
“I don’t owe you shit,” I shot back. “I only saved the world from letting them see your awful taste in clothing.”
“Someday I’ll have a little talk with you, when you’re not surrounded by your little Duck-buddies. Let’s just see if you’re as superior then, shall we?”
“Fine, retard.”
“Lost case,” he shot back.
“Idiot.”
“Trailer-trash.”
“Mama’s boy.”
“Bitch.”
“Jerk.”
“Slut.”
That went on for a while, and I think I have to censor the rest of our name-calling.
I was close to punching him, when Charlie finally stepped between us. “Get back to your own little cattle,” he said to Keith.
Keith grabbed my arm and almost pulled me across the table. “You pay me back, or I’ll give you something to really whine about.” I was about to pull away when Fred lost his temper. He pushed back his chair and got up so fast that I didn’t had time to react.
I’d never seen him hit anyone before. He’s not exactly a violent guy. I just stepped back, surprised and startled at the outcome of the whole situation. Keith went down from the first punch Fred delivered. He didn’t exactly stay down, sadly. He got up again; grabbed Fred’s arm, and they both tumbled into the table with a crash. Everybody got up, and not just at our table.
Travis put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. I hadn’t even realized that I’d been standing like frozen to the ground, without moving an inch.
I felt like crying. I actually think I did. It’s hard to tell, because I can’t remember. I just remember how shocked I was.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Fred didn’t die or anything.
But he whined like he was dying.
Once again I was facing detention, this time with Fred and Keith as company. Man, Coach Bombay was really mad.
After he was done with his usual yelling, I helped Fred back to the dorms.
“I don’t get why you had to punch him,” I told him.
“He was mean to you.”
“Lot’s of people are. You’re not about to go and hit my grandma, are you?”
Fred wasn’t in the mood of any smart-ass comments. He wanted to bitch and moan about his headache and his bruises. I let him. If a guy stands up for me, I pretty much let him say and do whatever he please.
Fred sat down on my bed and put his hand over his eye. “I’m hurt,” he winced.
“You told me,” I answered and sat down next to him. I put a towel over his ‘wound’. He was bleeding, but only just as much so he could make a real fuss about it. Man, he’s such a baby.
Fred looked at me with his ‘good’ eye. “Why are you helping me out?” he asked.
“Because you are whining. I feel bad for you. And I need you to stop whine.”
He grabbed my hand. I lowered the towel and took a deep breath. “You’re not hurt anymore?” I asked.
“Yeah, but I think I’ll survive.”
“Let me go then. I can’t take care of you if you’re gonna be a handful.”
Fred smiled at me. “I thought you didn’t care about anyone else but yourself.”
“I have a nice-streak today,” I answered.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
Fred sighed a little, and twitched when I put the towel back to his forehead. “Ouch,” he complained. “Be careful, I only have this head.”
“You rarely use it, so don’t worry.”
He got quiet after that, and allowed me to take care of him. I don’t know why I did it, because he’s right. I rarely give a damn about anyone else but myself. Maybe I felt guilty for causing the trouble in the first place. That must be it.
“I still think you’re an idiot,” I finally said. Fred gave me a hurt look.
“I am?”
“Not stupid, just and idiot. Why did you have to hit him? He would’ve stepped back if you’d left him alone.”
“I don’t care,” Fred muttered. “No one talks to you like that when I’m around. I’ll kill anyone that even comes close to hurting you.”
I tried to hide my smile. I so don’t deserve him, I so don’t.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Wow, are you both smiling and being grateful at the same time?” he joked.
Yes, I was, actually.
He leaned towards me and kissed me. Then he whined a bit when I put my arm around his neck. “I’m still wounded,” he explained.
“I guess you are.”
He kissed me again, and all I could think of was that incident in New York a couple of years ago. When I didn’t know any better then to let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I still don’t feel ready for having sex. I realized that today. I was kidding myself yesterday when I thought I was ready. But something felt wrong when I tried to convince myself otherwise. I couldn’t tell Fred the truth. I wanted to say no, but I couldn’t manage to say the words. It was like I didn’t really exist in that moment.
I just closed my eyes and tried to convince myself that everything was okay.
I wanted to say no. I wanted to scream no. He even asked me if everything was all right. And I never told him what I felt inside. I just nodded.
I never said no. I yelled it. But only in my own head.
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