Surrendering
Chapter 10: Home Sweet Home
(Un)
Important babbling-notes from Cimmy: I was in some serious pain when I wrote this
chapter (I’ve just been to the dentist), and on top of that they were shoving
Mighty Ducks on TV, so I was a bit distracted. Very distracted, actually.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
January 24th
I’m not
very perky in the morning. Especially not on Saturday mornings, because that’s
the day when you’re supposed to sleep until noon or even longer.
When I woke up this morning, my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. However, when I tried to move it, it was suddenly filled with heavy ten-pound weights instead. I was still feeling sick after eating all that candy two days ago. This did not improve that feeling to the better.
I wasn’t sure how I got home last night. I just know that I passed out after that last tequila-shot.
This was awfully familiar. Hopefully I wouldn’t have the outturn as the last time I passed out and woke up at a strange place.
“Cecilia?”
God, it had been like someone yelling right into my ear. I whined and put the pillow over my head.
“Cecilia, are you feeling okay?”
I was feeling like I’d just swallowed a whole beehive. I did recognize the voice though. That’s better then being with some complete stranger.
My story makes me look very bad, but I can say this much that I’ve never let anyone take advantage of me, drunk or sober. I do know what I’m doing most of the times, and I’ve never woken up with some complete stranger after being drunk. Although, I’m great at exaggerating similar events.
“No,” I complained.
Fred shoved me a little, to see if I was alive or not. I whined some more.
“Where am I?” I asked tiredly. My eyes were aching and my head were on some violent strike, because it kept banging like crazy. At this point I was beginning to miss my painkillers. They were in my bathroom waiting for a hung-over me to pick them up.
“In my room,” Fred explained. “I had to carry you here, you passed out at the club.”
Just what I’d been expecting. There’s a limit to what I can consume when it comes to alcohol. I’d clearly been crossing that line last night with several miles. Or ‘kilometers’, as they use in Sweden. After that thought, my head just kept banging even more.
Fred’s birthday is in two days. I don’t know what to get him. He didn’t buy me any gift when I turned thirteen in October, for the simple reason that I hadn’t told him when my birthday was. He figured it out later anyway, and bought me a cell-phone. Bless him.
We haven’t really talked about that comment he made a few days ago. The subject sex seems to be more or less taboo in our relationship, after our last unsuccessful try when Fred decided that we should wait. I know that it was for the best anyway; he’d just said what I’d been thinking. I hadn’t been so keen on losing my virginity in the backseat of my coach’s car. I rather wait until I’m married.
Just kidding.
I left Fred’s room after forcing myself to get up. His bed is way more comfortable then mine is. Or it might be because I didn’t want to leave the warmth of the bed for a cold hallway...
Unfortunately I met Guy when I was trying to un-lock my door. He looked like hell run over twice. Deserves him right for not listening to Connie.
“I see you’re up and about,” he teased.
“I see you’re feeling bad,” I shot back. “Connie’s quite smart sometimes, huh?”
“Alcohol has a bad effect on me,” he explained with an annoyed voice.
“Yeah, who ever knew that you got a hang-over after drinking a whole bottle of tequila?” I shot back.
He muttered something and went over to knock on Connie’s door. I waited for her to open the door, so Guy wouldn’t see me give the stupid door a fourth try. It just wouldn’t open.
Guy must’ve been even more hung-over then I was, because he couldn’t even open Connie’s door when it was un-locked. I didn’t struck me until he’d tried a few times that she might not be there.
“Trouble?” I asked him.
Guy stared at me. “Can’t you get inside either, or what?”
I could’ve stood there exchanging insults all day, but decided to play my ‘nice’ routine instead. “Wanna come in? I have painkillers,” I enticed. If I could talk to Charlie almost without shaking, maybe I could give a try at the rest of my teammates. I had already gotten to known Adam pretty well. Guy was my new victim for improving my self-confidence.
I was hoping that he wouldn’t turn me down. Maybe he didn’t like me at all, after I’d been treating him very... questionable.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Don’t kill me off or anything.”
“I promise.”
I opened the door and tumbled in. Without paying any attention to Guy, I went in to the bathroom and began searching for my painkillers. They’re supposed to be for my knees, but I use them for my hung-over instead. They work for that too. After throwing a pill into my mouth, I went over to my bed and crawled under the cover. I took a deep breath into the pillowcase. I love my pillowcases; my mom sewed them for me before I left for Canada. She’s great at sewing.
Guy went around inspecting my room, but I was too tired to care. I usually don’t like people going through my stuff, but if I’d been stupid enough to invite him, I had to live with that. I was a bit curious on what he was doing, so I stuck my head out from underneath the cover.
“You girls get all the advantages,” he said. “I want a room of my own too.”
“Tough,” I answered.
Guy went through my CD’s, while mumbling something to himself. He was annoying. I could be annoying too, so I decided to show him what sort of person I could be. “Hey, Germaine!” I shouted. Yeay, I’ve learnt my teammates surname too! Now I could yell at them, using their last names. I love doing that.
Guy went over to my bed and squeezed my leg. I sat up straight. The reason I hate being touched and tickled is because I’m extremely ticklish. Too bad Guy found out about that.
“You’re just like Connie,” he told me. “She gets crazy if you so much as touch her. Are all girls ticklish?”
“Ask ‘em,” I suggested.
Someone knocked on the door. It was like a canon had gone off in my head.
“Ouch,” Guy winced. “I’ll open up.”
“No!” I objected, but too late, Idiot-Guy had already opened up. Besides from Fred, Guy’s the only one from the team who’s been in my room. Why change that?
“You need to losen up,” Guy laughed.
Could everyone just stop telling me that?
It was Charlie who’d come to disturb me. He gave Guy a surprised nod. “I was just going to see if you were feeling fine. You seemed a bit... Passed out last time I saw you. Fred told me that you stayed at our place over night. I’m glad you listened to me about losen up, getting drunk and getting...”
“Don’t get any ideas,” I cut him off. “What kind of person do you take me for?”
“I was just kidding,” he smiled. “What are you doing here, Guy?”
“Connie won’t let me in, so I decided to bug Cecilia instead. I’m leaving now.”
Thank God.
“No, stay, maybe Cee can introduce herself a little better now when she doesn’t have her icy-attitude turned on.”
I’m putting a curse on Charlie Conway when next full moon comes.
“Screw you,” I muttered.
I was about to kick them both out when my phone rang. I never get calls, so I was a little surprised.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hej!”
Crap, it was my brother Marcus. Now I had to pretend like everything was all right with me. My family thinks I’m an up-beat, happy girl. They are SO wrong. I greeted cheerfully. I saw how stunned both Charlie and Guy was. They’d never seen me in any other moods then ‘bitchy’ and ‘depressed’. They both left when I began talking in Swedish. They were giving me a strange gaze when I kept using my up-beat voice.
Talking Swedish made me remember other Swedish things. I rather leave those things behind, but you can’t cut every bond you have. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Marcus’s voice was very soothing and he kept talking without giving me any chance to cut in at all. That was great, because I didn’t want him to know how hung-over I was. I’m still his baby-sister, no matter how old I am. It’s for the greater good to let him have that illusion.
While listening to his latest accomplishments, I began thinking about that day when I last saw him. The day I left my parents and brothers for a new life in another country. I miss them, especially during times when I talk to them. I never call them myself; they always have to call me if they want something.
I missed by brother at that point.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Flashback
to August 14th
“I hate
flying!”
I turned
around and looked at my friend Marcus. I've been a friend with him since the
day he first attended my mother’s day care-group. I thought it was really cool
that he had the exactly same name as my older brother. However, during all
these years I’ve never heard anything about him being afraid of flying.
Maybe it
was because it was only the two of us there. I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t
tell the others about this newfound fear of his.
We were
standing at the airport, waiting to board the plane that was going to take us
to Canada.
Only a
couple of days before we’d decided to sign our contracts, so we could play for
a team in Canada. I was the first one to decide that I was going to leave. I
don’t feel at home anywhere, so I could just as well feel misplaced in another
country, far away from my nutty family.
I’d just
said goodbye to my older brothers and my dad, who had drove me there. I said goodbye
to my mum this morning before I left.
“You do?” I
asked a little uninterested. I really didn’t care about Marcus’s fear. I was
more concentrated on the fact that Fred could be turning up any time soon.
Fred was my
big crush, whom I had to convince to sign the contract so he could follow us,
or me, to Canada too. That’s the only thing I’ve ever said to him. ‘Please sign
the contract’.
I haven’t
really had any actual conversations with him, although we’ve gone to school
together since pre-school. Why my crush on him have stayed with me so long was
hard to tell. I don’t have a clue myself. I only know that when I was close to
him, my nerve-system really doesn’t seem to work at all.
“Why are
you looking towards the customs, Cecilia? They won’t come from there.”
“What?” I
said, not at all following the conversation Marcus seemed to have with me.
“They’ll
come from there,” Marcus explained, pointing to the same hallway we’d arrived
from.
“Who?” I
asked, completely clueless.
“Fred of
course! You were looking for him right?”
“NO!” I
shrieked. My intention hadn’t been to sound so upset, but I didn’t want Marcus
to know.
“No, I was
looking for the... bathroom,” I continued a little more quiet.
Marcus
seemed a little confused, but shrugged and turned towards the bathroom sign and
pointed at it.
I rolled my
eyes. Guys really were idiots.
When I
walked down the hallway to the aircraft, I kept thinking what would happen now.
Fred and his friend Erik had showed up a couple of minutes before boarding. I
had, as usually, not said one clever word in front of him. ‘Hi’, was all I
could come up with this time.
Maybe I
should stop thinking, period? That would really make for some less awkward
moments and stupid comments. Yes, that’s what I’d do. Stop talking.
I was
seated next to the window. I heard the guys talk about something, but I didn’t
want to intrude. I am never part of any conversation between them, what’s the
point? I doubt anyone would listen to me anyway.
“Hey!”
I had drifted
away in the middle of the movie screening and now I jumped when I heard someone
yell at me.
“Are ya
sleeping?”
Still a
little dozy, I turned my head to see who was disturbing me.
“What?” I
asked.
It wasn’t
Marcus, the one who was the one most likely to speak to me at all. The other
two only spoke to me if they had to.
I was
looking right into those brown eyes I had been yearning for, ever since they’d
looked at me for the first time.
I could
almost hear the words he’d said to me back then. ‘Is everything alright with
you?’ It hadn’t been much, but back then it felt like it was everything to me.
“Yes,” I
said, not realizing that I was answering the wrong question.
“You look
kinda awake, but I could be wrong.”
Fred sat
down in the seat next to me. Erik, who had been sitting there since the
take-off, was gone. I was too tired to care about were he’d went.
I stared
nervously out the window. Fred hadn’t said two words to me since that day back
in the fourth grade. Not any words I’d kept in mind anyway. Maybe a few word to
me when I arrived to practice, or some nice words if I made a goal or
something, which doesn’t happen very often. Nothing else.
“What
does he want?” I
thought, already panicking about the upcoming conversation.
“You found
the movie boring too?” Fred asked me.
“I guess.
I’ve never actually seen a full-length movie dubbed from English to Swedish.
They lose so much in the translation. Really annoying... really.” Realizing I
was talking way to much rubbish, I decided to make that ‘non-talking’ thing
into reality.
“Yeah, I
guess so,” he said, with an ‘is-she-out-of-her-mind’ look.
I sighed
and looked out the window again. Being around people really shouldn’t be a part
of my life, because I’m so bad at it...
“No, I
think you’re right, the Swedish version of ‘There’s Something About Mary’
really isn’t the best version,” Fred said and leaned back into the seat. “But
that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, we’ve never actually
talked, have we? I thought I’d try to get to know you better, now that we’re
gonna live together for a while.”
I blinked.
And then I blinked again. Live together? That part must’ve slipped my mind. I
was going to live with him? Fred? The love of my life?
“Nah, are
you sure?” I asked. “I thought we we’re living in different families.”
“We are. I
mean, you and I are the only ones who is sharing family.”
At that
point I was beginning to plot on how to make some back-flips? I’d never tried
it, but I was pretty sure I could do it if I tried at that very moment.
Fred didn’t
say anything for a while, and an awkward silence grew between us. I had no idea
what to say or what he was about to say. I felt my heart beat even faster.
“You
homesick yet?” The question came out of the blue, and made me jump again.
“Um, no. I
don’t get homesick,” I said. I felt stupid telling him that, like I was
revealing too much of myself to him.
“I don’t
either. You think that’s bad? That you can’t get homesick, I mean.”
“No, I’ll
survive, believe me.”
Another
awkward silence grew strong between us. I felt uncomfortable with the whole
situation.
“Please,
plane, fly faster!” I mumbled quietly to the blue sky outside.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Hey!
Cecilia!”
I turned my
head towards Fred. I’d been in deep thoughts, not realizing that Fred was
having a conversation with me. We were at the Rainbow Café with some other
people from our line.
“Huh?” I
asked. Couldn’t he see that I was busy? I looked at him. Damn, he seemed a bit
angry with me. Maybe it was better to pay some kind of attention to him?
“I realize
that you have a lot of things to think about, but can’t you at least try to
listen to me? I was talking to you, you see. I’m tired of you spacing off into
your own little world. You’ve been like this ever since we got here!”
Fred never
yells at me. We’ve only had three fights since we got together, and neither of
them was serious. Was I actually blowing the best thing that’d ever happened to
me?
No one else
was around for the moment, they were off getting food, and so I had no problem
answering. “I was just thinking, I’m sorry!”
“You’ve
been like this all day!” he exclaimed. “What’s the matter with you? Are you
still having a head-ache, or what?”
No, my
hangover was long gone. I was just at my usual depressed level.
“No, I was
just thinking.”
“Well,
can’t you think about me a little too?”
That’s what
I do most of the time when I get lost in my ‘own little world’. Fred is my
boyfriend, and he doesn’t know me at all. He probably doesn’t even know that I
love him.
“I am
sorry!” I almost yelled. I had too much on my mind to be able to handle Fred
being mad at me. I hate being yelled at. The last week had been really
difficult in every sort of way, so I felt like this was the final straw. I
couldn’t handle this too; it was way over my head.
“You don’t
have to scream,” he frowned. “I’m close enough for you to speak to me like a
normal person.”
“Maybe I’m
not a ‘normal’ person,” I answered.
“Well, start
practice on it, because you can’t act like a lunatic around people, just
because you feel like it.”
I got up
from the table. It wasn’t because he’d made me angry. If I stayed, I would
begin to cry. That was not something I planned on doing in public. Fred has
only seen me cry once. That’s enough.
“Cecilia,
sit down,” he ordered me. “Can’t you have a conversation like a normal person,
without storming off every time you get offended?”
No, I
can’t.
He grabbed
my arm and pulled me closer. He looked straight into my eyes. I couldn’t hold
back my tears anymore. I felt a lonely tear finding its way down my cheek. Fred
just stared at me. He looked amazed that I could show any feelings whatsoever.
He also seemed startled that he’d been able to make me cry. Not many people
succeed with that.
“Cecilia?”
I pushed
him away and ran towards the door. I crashed into Charlie on my way out. He saw
my tears too. “Wait,” he told me.
I’m not the
waiting kind.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Author’s
Note: I hope this chapter
didn’t get too confusing. Hey, guess what? This story has been nominated for
the Fan Fiction Awards! Could I be more surprised? No, actually, I couldn’t.
Even more surprising is that ‘Cecilia’ have been nominated for Best Original
Character… Yikes.
~*~*~
~*~*~