Surrendering
Chapter
11: Serious Matters
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January 24th (Later)
We had practice today in the afternoon. It’s hard to believe that it was exactly one week ago this whole mess started. One week ago I met Connie in the hallway, and it all went downhill after that. Okay, I’m exaggerating again. This week wasn’t so bad. I’ve been through worse.
Actually, we’re not supposed to have practices on Saturdays, but today’s an exception because we have a game tomorrow. Dear God help me.
I watched my back all the way to the locker-room. I didn’t want to run into Connie, I didn’t want Adam to run in to ME, I didn’t want to meet Fred, and I didn’t want to talk to Charlie. Fred tried to talk to me earlier, but I locked myself into my room.
I actually enjoyed the attention I got from him. It’s better then being ignored completely. But only the attention when it comes from him, I have to point out.
The door to the locker-room was already opened, so I had no choice but to go in. I wasn’t the last one; thank God. The others were busy getting dressed, so they barely noticed me. I sat down in front of my locker and laced up my shoes. Fred leaned closer to me.
“Is everything alright with you?” he whispered into my ear.
“I’m fine,” I mumbled. I always answer that. ‘Fine’ and ‘nothing’ are the words I use the most in conversations. What have I been doing? Nothing. How was school today? Fine. How are you feeling? Fine. What are you thinking? Nothing. You get the picture.
“Why’d you cry?”
“I did NOT cry,” I assured him.
“It looked like you did,” he pointed out.
“Maybe you should check your eyes then,” I shot back. “I don’t cry.”
“You did today. I’m sorry if I said something wrong. I didn’t mean for you to start cry.”
Man, he’s stupid sometimes.
“I told you I didn’t cry. What so hard to understand about that sentence? The ‘didn’t’, or the ‘I’?”
Fred gave me a tired look and went back to his gear. I was still dizzy from last night. Why didn’t he feel worse then he did? This was the second day he’d been out drinking.
I had already decided that I would give everything I had for this practice. No more injuries and messy mistakes. I was going to show them that I belonged in the first line. Damn it, second line I mean.
We all went out on the ice and gathered next to the players’ booth. Coach Bombay had us doing stupid exercises, which included several drills that reminded me of how life must be in the army. Easy to say, I was exhausted when Bombay finally called us off.
The last minutes of the practice were devoted for a ‘friendly’ exercise game. That meant that we had to play against each other, but without trying to kill one another. I really love those ‘friendly’ games. Not.
I watched the first game that took place on the ice. I don’t get how Fred got to be so freaking popular all at once. I thought he was supposed to be a loner, just like me. Insecure, bewildered, whatever, just not the one everyone likes. Had I been so selfish that I haven’t even noticed how easy he’s been accepted by our new team these first couple of weeks?
That is so unfair.
I was called out on the ice a while later, to show off my ability to play. Man, I was so screwed, and I even knew it before I touched the ice.
The game began with a whistling sound, which made me jump several feet. God, I’m so nervous all the time, it’s ridiculous. Well, I’m a ridiculous person...
I couldn’t think straight. Damn, my intentions had been to really get a grip during this game and show the rest of the team that I actually was useful. It was obvious from the start that I was not going to pull that off.
I want to quit hockey. I suck at it. I only play because I like the game, not because I can play. Luckily, the game I was playing was just a practice game. I couldn’t mess any serious things up.
Coach Bombay had ripped me away from my line-up and put me with some players I’d never played with before. For example that Portman-guy, who still intimidates me so incredibly much. I guess he knows that, because he deliberately tries to freak me out when I’m around him. I think it amuses him that I can be scared off so easily. I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t like me very much.
Adam was in my new line-up too. I hadn’t seen him since he ‘abandoned’ me at that club. Man, next to him I’d come out as the lamest excuse for a hockey-player ever. Why had Bombay put me with him?
Jesse was the right-winger, which resulted in me being the left one. I’m better at being a right-winger. Thank you, Bombay. Thank you very much. I now had all the odds against me completely.
Derek was the defenseman next to Portman. I don’t think we’ve spoken two words with each other at all. He’s my friends’ friend, that’s the closest connection we have. He’s almost quieter then I can be, so that makes it hard for conversations.
The puck went past me and into the boards. I was standing at the wrong direction; I’m usually on the other side of the rink, trying to avoid being noticed.
We played against Connie, Dmitri, Luis, Erik and Nish. They all attacked the puck as if it was a valuable object that needed protection. It was a hockey-puck, for crying out loud!
I managed to push the puck out of the corner, at the same time as Nish reached up to me. He slugged his stick at my leg and I fell over.
“For God’s sake, get up!” he ordered me. “Don’t be such a wuss.”
“Get out of my face!” I hissed and slammed my own stick into his stomach. Nish barely reacted.
“If you weren’t such a pathetic excuse for a hockey-player, I’d hit back.”
I threw my stick after him when he left, but it didn’t go very far.
“Don’t let him get to you.”
I turned my head and saw Adam stand beside me. He grabbed me by the arm and helped me up. I felt humiliated again. Is that all I’m ever going to feel around the team?
“I’m not,” I lied.
“Keep playing then,” Adam told me and skated up to the face-off.
Well, easy for him to say. That’s all that matters to guys like him. They want to win at any cost, even if it means that weak players like myself had to be sacrificed. Competitive people make me uncomfortable, maybe because I myself am such a loser.
I picked up my stick and went over to face Luis. He was a rocket compared to me. He was already long gone, before I’d even begun to move.
Jesse and I quickly changed position after the puck went into game. He’s usually the center for his line, and I really didn’t want to continue my loser streak on the left side of the rink.
Adam passed the puck to Jesse, and he made Connie turn the wrong way when he faked a pass to Portman. I just followed the flow, to look less like a huge failure. We had the odds against us, even though Adam played better then anyone I’ve ever played with. What’s the use that, when the rest of your line-up sucked pretty badly? Jesse lost the puck to Dmitri, and he skated off with the speed of light. To have both Luis and Dmitri in the same line was not a smart move of Bombay, because that made it too UNFAIR!
I was easily distracted when Erik tackled me away from the goal. I wasn’t paying any attention, so I wasn’t at all prepared when Jesse got the puck back and turned around to find someone to pass it to. The puck came towards me. Damn, damn, damn.
“Pass the puck!” Adam shouted, so I tried to obey his wish.
“Get out of the corner!” Jesse yelled at me. He had a point; I couldn’t do much if I was stuck in the corner. If I only could remember how to skate...
“C’mon, defense!” Coach Bombay shouted at us. I’m pretty sure he was only addressing me at the time. I hate defense. I’m more of a quitter.
Nish got tired of me holding the puck for so long, so he skated up towards me to get the puck himself. I couldn’t help it; I was hesitating about what to do, so I kind of froze. I noticed that Bombay was close to calling the game off.
Nish and I don’t get along too well on the ice. He believes I’m always trying to show off and steal the spotlight away from him. He couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t remember why he got so annoyed at me at today’s practice, but it had to be something, otherwise he wouldn’t have attacked me like he did.
I decided to protect myself from being knocked over again, instead of getting the puck out of the stupid corner, but Nish didn’t care. He crashed into me and I of course fell over at once.
“Nish!” someone exclaimed. It sounded like Muck.
A horrible pain went through my head. What had he done, decapitated me? Nish leaned over me to check if I was okay. Then he stretched out his hand to help me up.
“Are you okay?” Jesse asked when he came up to me.
“Sure,” I managed to say.
“Sure?” Adam said.
“I’m fine.” My trademark after getting hit.
Coach Bombay skated up to us. He stared angrily at Nish, but I noticed that he looked pretty annoyed with me too. He must regret that he agreed on letting me in on the team.
I was already preparing myself for being benched, when Portman nodded at me.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re hurt.”
“No, I’m not,” I protested.
“You’re bleeding,” he told me.
I can’t stand the sight of blood, as I’ve already made it clear. If it’s a small cut or something, I can deal with it. If I accidentally bite my lip so it starts to bleed, it’s not such a huge problem. I can even manage a nosebleed, something I learned to deal with when I got into fights with my brothers.
Above my right eye, exactly at the spot where it hurt so much right after Nish pushed me over, I felt something sticky. I can’t explain it any better then ‘sticky’. I took off my glove and touched my cheek to see what it was that was pouring down my face. Portman was right; I was bleeding, and a lot too.
“That doesn’t look so good,” Bombay said and gave me a serious look.
I didn’t exactly care at that moment, because I was too busy trying to figure out the situation. I took one more look at my hand, which was now covered in blood. After that, the whole world just disappeared, and everything went black.
I don’t want to say that I fainted, because that’s such a girly thing to do.
But I did pass out.
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