Surrendering
Chapter 1: Life as I know it
By: Cimmy
Story Notes: Second part of the series The Story of the Mighty Ducks.
Summary: The first few weeks since the Ducks got together with another team. A hopeless Mary Sue tale in all sort of ways. (Last sentence added a year after story was written, by then just as hopless and clueless author.)
Rating: R, language, ‘adult themes’.
Warning: Just the usual loads of sexual references. I’ll list the rest as they come.
Timeline: January 1998, right after the Junior Goodwill Games (in my universe, that is). Sequel to ‘Reaching for the Stars’.
(Un) Important babbling-notes from Cimmy: Of all my characters, Cecilia is the most annoying one. I realize that I include her as the leading part in most of my stories, and honestly, I’m a bit tired of her. She’s very intrusive (I have nothing to do with it, I promise...). If you’re wondering why I write this from her point of view anyway, it’s because I need a good introduction to the non-Ducks characters.
‘Surrendering’ is very Mary Sue-ish, now when I’ve had some time to put things into perspective. Did you hear me? CECILIA=MARY SUE! (According to three tests I made her take.) I’ve spent days trying to edit the worst bits out, but it’s still a bit much to take in some places.
Disclaimer:
Disney owns The Mighty Ducks, Roy MacGregor owns the characters from the
Screech Owls-books, and I own my beloved Swedes.
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Prologue
I’m not a diary-writing type of girl. Seriously, I hate all those mushy stuff you’re supposed to be doing when you’re a girl. I’m not girly. Thank God for that.
I grew up with two older brothers, and they taught me everything necessary in life. How to behave like a brat, eat like a pig, make noise, pick fights and swim like a dog. Damn them, I still haven’t learned how to swim properly. My gym-teacher used to nag about that every time we had to swim in class.
This isn’t the first time I feel totally misplaced. Leaving Sweden with three other guys wasn’t so peachy, but I didn’t feel all left out.
We’re supposed to be attending this preppy school, and I’m not preppy, not even a little. Sometimes I can be a little bigheaded, but I usually get right back down to earth again. I have a feeling that I won’t have so much to be superior about anymore.
At least I’ve got my own room. Yay. Back in Sweden I used to share a room with my older brother Marcus, up until he kicked me out after his first day of school. Since then I’ve had the privilege to have my own room.
Something I can’t understand is why we have to live in the boys’ dorm. Okay, so I might seem a bit of a hypocrite, dissing girly-stuff when I don’t like to be treated like the guys either. It’s not that. I just think it’s scary to be the only girl at the boys’ dorm. Yeah, I’m a coward.
These are all things that I’m afraid of. Heights, darker, loneliness, silence, poverty, people. These are all things I’m trying to overcome in my own way. It might seem stupid to be afraid of people, but I am. I am actually very shy. Of course there are things that makes me explode sometimes, but only when it’s really necessary.
My ways of trying to overcome these little ‘flaws’ of mine are to challenge them, like they challenge me.
Even though I’m afraid of heights, I can easily climb the highest hill, just to prove myself wrong.
When I’m sad or depressed, I hide in darkness, just so I can feel really bad about myself. Therapist next, huh?
I seek out for loneliness by pushing people away and treat them bad.
I never talk unless I really have to, since I don’t have that much to say. It just comes out wrong anyway. I rather sit in silence then make a fool out of myself.
If my parents offer me money, I turn them down. They need it more then I do. I rather work to raise my own money then feel guilty about taking money I don’t deserve. Their poverty is more important to me to fix then my own. If I could, I would give them all the money I have. But that’s not a lot, so...
When I was little, all this was different. I wasn’t afraid of anything. Then my little brother came along and ruined my whole life. And I mean really ruined.
I was the most upbeat, positive, social person in the world. I had my older brothers, my parents, our family-dog and a happy life. We were the perfect family. Well, that went straight to hell. Is anyone surprised?
My younger brother changed our lives. Especially mine. Now I became the neglected, insecure, lonely pessimist that always expected the worse. Funny how some things just sticks with you.
Crap, I thought I wasn’t the ‘dear diary’ person. Maybe I am just a sissy girl on the inside? Behind that rough, tough wall of mine. No one can break through my wall; it’s way too thick. I’ve had seven years of practice.
My way of handling the fear of people? I try to be alone as much as possible, and when I can’t do that, I surround myself with as much people as possible, so I can melt in. That’s me. Always in the background, quiet, alone and depressed. It’s not my mood. It’s my personality.
After you’ve been through as much as I have, you’d be as screwed up too.
After years of living in fear of being sent away again, years of trying to protect your mother from your younger brother, years of being in the middle of your parents divorce, years of grieving over that dog you loved more then anything, years of trying to figure out why me?, it’s pretty hard to have an ‘upbeat’ attitude about life.
I can have fun too, but just not for any longer amounts of time. I can be cheerful, I can laugh and I can even say funny things once in a while. But it’s just a cover. It’s my way of hiding in the ‘dark’, hide from people and never let them see the real me.
They’ll never see that. They’ll never find out about me. I won’t tell them. No one will ever know.
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The Junior Goodwill Games was a blast. Yeah, right. (1)
I was depressed half of the time. I was actually quite convinced that I would have to go back home again. It’d been six great months, with Fred, the Owls, even Nish. Why push faith and pretend like there was never going to be an end to all of that?
I haven’t really gotten to know the Ducks. Charlie seems cool. He came up to me before I became ‘one of them’, and he actually talked to me. Very surprising, since most people often try to ignore that I’m there. It must be my attitude.
Maybe he thought I seemed alone, sitting up by the stands without anyone next to me. I was there to watch Fred. He’d begged me to tag along, so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m the master of being alone. Fred doesn’t know me that well. Sometimes I think not at all. But he knows me better then anyone else on this planet, and that says a lot about me, doesn’t it?
Well, anyway, I went to the practices to make him happy. He has some weird influence on me. I listen to him, and someday I might even learn to trust him. I never listen to anyone, and I sure as hell don’t trust anyone but myself.
While I was waiting for their practice to be over, this, for me, random guy walks up to me. Fred had told me about the new players, and that Charlie Conway was the one most likely to become the team captain. I didn’t know then that the approaching guy was Charlie, but I know that now. Well, duh...
Charlie had been wearing his hockey gear with the helmet in his hand. He’d been smiling at me, and I’d tried my best to avoid eye contact. I never let people know that I’ve noticed them. I hate talking to strangers. I hate talking, period. I have opinions, it’s not that, I just can’t express them until several minutes after I’ve established what I’m going to say. By then, it’s already too late to speak up.
“Hey, are you one of our supporters?” Charlie’d asked me. I, stupid as I am, had just been staring at him. My hands had began to shake, my throat had gotten all dried up and I’d felt my self-esteem sink lower and lower for every second. I’m used to it, it’s like that every time I try to talk to anyone.
I’d thought that Charlie was going to give up when I never answered, but he didn’t. Instead he’d sat down next to me on the bench. I’d been thinking many scared thoughts while he was gazing at me. I told you, I have the worst self confidence ever.
“You’re Swedish, right?” Charlie’d asked me. I’d been still trying to figure out what to answer to the first question. Isn’t it funny how you always come up with great comebacks after the moment you could’ve needed them?
“You do understand English, don’t you?” After that comment, I’d begun to feel a bit stupid.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Well, great, maybe you can participate to the conversation too, then.” He’d been able to make me feel both dumb and angry in only two minutes. New record, I think.
“Are you here with Fred?” he’d continued.
“I’m here with myself,” I’d answered with a rather bitchy attitude.
“Well, good for you then,” he’d smiled. “Why are you up here? You can come down to the ice if you want.”
“I’m fine.” Well, I had been feeling lonely, but what else was new?
“Are you his girlfriend? It’d be okay if you came down, you’re up here at every practice.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Well, if you change your mind... Is it because you can’t skate?”
“I’m a hockey player,” I’d told him with a sour voice. I couldn’t figure out why was he bugging me.
“So, what’s holding you back then? Do you play for a girls’ team or what?”
That comment had really made me angry. Who was he to judge me? He’d never met me before. “No, I’m an actual hockey player. Girls can play too, can’t they?” I’d snorted at him.
“Yes, they can. I was just wondering what you were doing up here, if you weren’t playing on any team at this tournament. Are you just visiting Fred?”
“No, I’m trying to be alone here. You’re kinda crowding me.”
“Only two’s never a crowd.”
“Well, now it is. Maybe you should skip back to your little Duck-buddies and score a goal or something. God knows you could really need the practice. Even Erik has scored more goals then you have. That says a lot.”
“How many goals have you scored, if I may ask?”
“Enough.” That hadn’t been the truth; I’m not the best player on the team. Sometimes I wonder why I got that scholarship to begin with.
“So, I’ve been able to make you angry. My work here is done. May I ask what you’re doing here, if it’s not for Fred? I’m trying to be friendly, you know.”
“Well, I’m not a friendly person, so maybe you should just give it a rest?”
Charlie had smiled at me again and then he stood up. “Fine, if that’s the way you want it to be.” He’d put his hand out, and I’d stared at it. “I’m Charlie Conway.”
I’d finally gotten my speech back after my last sniffy comment. It would’ve been rude to not shake his hand, but I’m a rude person. Although I did it anyway. “I’m Cecilia, and I am a supporter, believe it or not.”
“Well, nice to meet you, Cecilia. I’d like to bitch with you some more, but I have to get back to practice. Did I tell you I’m the team captain?”
“I’m not impressed. I’ve known a lot of captains in my life, and they’re all idiots.”
“Thank you. You’re great at insulting people. How ‘bout showing me if you’re any good at hockey?”
“Nah, maybe some other time. I don’t wanna outclass you all before your important game against Germany. You need your strength for that, they play rough.”
“Gee, thanks for the tip. Maybe you should be captain instead?”
I’d watched him while he’d climbed over the board to the ice again. Me as a captain? Yeah, right...
That was my side of the JGG. Besides from that one conversation, I didn’t know anybody. I stayed away from Travis and Nish as much as I could, since I didn’t need their pity. Fred kept hanging out with me, bugging my brains out by reassuring me that I would definitely get to play. Some day.
Up until I actually got to play, I thought it really sucked. Everything. I’ve still not forgiven Fred for faking that injury. Who’s he to help me get into the game?
Although, it was rather cute of him... But I’d never admit that.
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Author’s Note: This first chapter is mostly about Cecilia, so if you’re one of those people who think she’s way too annoying, and you just can’t stand her, maybe you should move on. Or not read this story at all, because it’s a lot about her. Hey, maybe I should’ve written this at the beginning, to save you from reading unnecessary stuff? Nah...
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(1) Cecilia’s
referring to the events in ‘Reaching for the Stars’, the prequel to
‘Surrendering’. ‘JGG’ is short for Junior Goodwill Games according to her. The
conversation between her and Charlie took place during ‘Reaching for the
Stars’, but Cecilia wasn’t in that story back then, she didn’t show up until
the end.
The Junior Goodwill Games is of course the
tournament from D2.
(Movie: D2: The Mighty Ducks, 1994; Fan
Fiction: Reaching
for the Stars, by Cimmy)
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