A New
Beginning
Chapter
12: Crazy Times, Loving Times
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After a whole night of angst and agony, while Charlie slept like a baby after feeding time, I was completely exhausted. We had practice, and I was so tired I couldn’t even move. I kept wondering if Fred really hated me now, for kissing Charlie right in front of his eyes.
Charlie doesn’t really seem to care that Fred is pissed. They used to be best friends, and now they don’t even talk to each other. They are roommates, and they have been since our freshman year in high school. That’s just as many years as Fred and I were together.
I’m the one ruining their friendship. Like I haven’t ruined enough already. I should break up with Charlie, and I should tell Fred I’m sorry.
Charlie didn’t even move when I got up from bed. He kept snoring. Fred’s right, his snoring is really annoying.
I’d decided to go and talk to Fred, to say I’m sorry and all that. So I sneaked out of our room and ran off to the rooms in the other hallway. I knocked silently on the door. No one opened, so I knocked again. Guy slammed the door open. “What?” he yelled.
“You sleeping?”
“Not anymore!” he exclaimed and glared at me. “What the hell do you want? It’s only seven in the morning! Go to sleep again, Cee.”
“Is Fred here?”
“No, he’s not. I don’t know, look in the lobby or something. Go away!” he growled and closed the door in my face. Nice. Guy hates me too now. Well, I have the engagement ring so he better be nice to me. I tried it on earlier; it looks good on my finger too.
Fred was sitting by the counter with a glass of something in front of him. My first thought was that he’d fallen off the wagon. He’d begun drinking again.
“Hey, what’s up?”
He turned to look at me, and then he shrugged without answering. I sat down next to him, pointing at the glass. “Thirsty?”
“It’s vodka,” he muttered at me, and then he smirked. “You know, the kind that makes you drunk.”
I couldn’t keep my front up. “You haven’t been drinking, have you?” I asked him.
Fred sighed. “Why are you here? Did Charlie throw you out?”
I grabbed his arm to make him look at me. “Fred! You haven’t been drinking that, have you? Answer!” I exclaimed. He’d scared the hell out of me. It’d be my fault if he started drinking again. My fault, I can’t live with that!
“Cut it out, Cecilia. No, I haven’t been drinking. You think I’m stupid? It’s juice! Jeez!” Fred shouted at me and shrugged me off. “Go play with your friends, honey. I’m busy.”
“You’re my friend,” I said.
“Yeah, like Charlie was my friend? I don’t need friends like that.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I explained. “It just happened. Like we happened once.”
Fred seemed angry, the kind of angry that he used to get when I’d done something terrible. I was always afraid of him when he got like that, I always thought he’d hit me or hurt me in some way. He never did. He never would.
“You were in love with me back then. Charlie is just using you because he’s bored! The minute he finds someone new, he’ll dump you! I would never do that to you.”
“You dumped me.”
“But not for someone new! I still loved you. Charlie doesn’t love you; he only loves himself. He’s never been in love, how could he ever understand what you and I used to have together? He doesn’t see any future with you; he won’t marry you. He might knock you up, but we’ve all been there, right?”
I was stunned. I couldn’t say anything; I just stared at him. Then I tried to blink away the tears in my eyes. After that I turned my head away so he couldn’t see how much he’d hurt me. He did that a lot before, hurt me with words. He never hit me, but he always said bad things to me. He always regretted himself later, but it still hurt.
Fred sighed again, and then he pulled my arm. “Look, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just mad. You know how I get when I’m mad. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t move one inch. “Cecilia, I’m sorry! Don’t cry, I hate it when you cry,” he whined. “I’m sorry!” He sighed again and leaned closer, while I swallowed hard. He put his arm around me and pulled me into his embrace. I hate it when he comforts me. It makes me feel good.
“Stop it,” I mumbled. “I’m not crying.”
“You always say that, even when you’re sad. I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that, it’s annoying.”
“Sorry.”
I took the glass he’d been drinking from and sniffed at it. No alcohol smell. He’d been telling the truth. Lucky for him. “You’re jealous, aren’t you?”
“At you, for kissing my best friend? Please!” Fred laughed. “Why should I be?”
“You are, aren’t you?” I repeated.
“Of course I am,” he growled and let me go. “You’re my girl, not his. He better not be treating you bad.”
I smiled. “I’m your girl? According to whom? And I’m sorry for kissing Charlie.”
“Kiss him all you want, he’s your boyfriend. Just wait, I’ll get myself a girlfriend to even out the score,” Fred muttered. “Just wait.”
“Everything in life doesn’t have to be a contest,” I reminded him. “I know that Charlie won’t stay longer then necessary. He’ll be long gone in just a couple of months. If you get a girlfriend, I’d be jealous too.”
“Don’t be,” he told me. “Just admit that you still love me, and I’ll leave you alone.”
Yeah, right. Like I would admit something like that. “You want me, don’t you? Now when you know you can’t have me. It kills you that I’m someone else’s girlfriend. You say you love me, and I might say it back,” I teased. “C’mon, I know you adore me.”
“I do. And once I even considered marrying you, but we all know that won’t happen, right? But I’ll always love you, you know that.”
Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
“Oh,” I said.
“Yeah, freaky, isn’t it?” he said.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced an awkward moment with Fred, a complete silence between us. We always have something to say, even if it’s a stupid comment or a crazy conversation. We talk about everything. We used to talk about everything.
So there we were, sitting next to each other and avoided the fact that we were both still in love. We must’ve been there at least half an hour without saying anything when Fred looked up again. “Did you see the game last night?”
“Rangers-Penguins? Yeah, I saw it. You should’ve watched it with Charlie. He hates the Penguins. You do too.”
“Well, hate is something we have in common right now,” Fred answered. “I have to go. We have a game later.”
“Did you stay here all night?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I’m sorry for last night. I couldn’t sleep either. And Charlie won’t get me pregnant, because I’m not sleeping with him. No sex, that’s the rule of the team. Remember?”
“We always broke that rule,” Fred smiled. “See ya later.”
“Fred!” I shouted when he’d almost disappeared around the corner. He gave me a surprised look. “Guess what?”
“What?”
“I don’t love Charlie, I still love you too. You know, to even out the scores a bit.”
He gave up a laugh and seemed amused for a second. Then nodded at me. “What?” I asked.
“Did you like kissing him?”
“What’s it to you?”
He bit his lower lip and shrugged, moved towards the exit-sign, when he suddenly turned around and walked back to me. “Fred? What are you doing?” I asked, but he never answered. He grabbed my face with his hands and kissed me. He can be so impossible sometimes.
“Was it better then that?” he asked when he finally let me go.
“I don’t know. I don’t love him like I love you,” I admitted. “I have to go.”
He pulled me closer again and continued with the kissing, disregarding the fact that we were in the middle of the lobby. I already knew that it was wrong. I was cheating on Charlie. How could I do that? I never cheated on Fred. Charlie was devastated when his last girlfriend slept with another guy. Okay, so Charlie cheated on a few of his other girlfriends too, but they deserved it.
I didn’t tell him to stop, and I didn’t try to push him away.
What? He’s a good kisser!
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I’m a bad person. I’ll probably go to hell when I die. People do that when they’re like me. I’m not married, so I’ve had lots of pre-marital sex. I got pregnant, still not married. Now I’ve cheated on my boyfriend. If I could call Charlie my boyfriend, it was never that serious between us. How could it have been? He’s a player; I’m a psycho. He’s the team-captain; I’m nobody.
Now I feel like a bastard for kissing my old boyfriend. Fred, the boy I love. Maybe he’s not a boy anymore, but he was when I first fell in love with him.
Yes, I’m an idiot. I can’t say no to Fred. Not even when I’m going out with Charlie. He always knew how to get me where he wanted me. Into bed, mostly, but he had other goals too.
I never felt bad about sleeping with him before. The first time I had sex, I did it to prove a point. A few days later I almost killed myself, falling off a bridge. Sex is bad for me. And despite all that, I still ended up in bed with Fred today.
“Where’ve you been?” Charlie questioned when I came stumbling back to the room three hours after I’d left. “You haven’t been smoking, have you?”
“I’ve quit smoking,” I mumbled and threw my things back into my bag. I was telling the truth, I’m not smoking again. It’s expensive, and my condition only gets worse. I used to tell my Mom to stop smoking when I was young. She’d taunt me forever if she found out. I haven’t met my Mom in months. I miss her.
“Good for you. Let’s go, we have a game.”
“Is that all you care about? The game? Don’t you worry about where I’ve been? The game is more important then me?” I snapped. It’s a tactic of mine; make him break up with me so I don’t have to feel bad about dumping him.
“Okay, what’s up with you? Why are you being so bitchy?”
“You don’t like it? Fine, you don’t have to be with me if you don’t want to!”
Charlie just stared at me, and then he shook his head. “You’re crazy,” he informed me. “Get dressed, we’re late.”
“You’re not gonna yell at me?”
“I’ve been yelling at you for the last five years, Cecilia. You never listen anyway, so why should I keep yelling? Come on, you can bitch on the way down,” he smiled. “You better not be smoking anymore, or I’ll tell Coach Bombay... I mean Bombay... I mean...”
“You mean ‘Daddy’?”
“Shut up.”
And I shut up.
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