A New
Beginning
Chapter
10: Sometimes You Just Can’t Win
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I’ve never let anyone take advantage of me, drunk or sober. I do know what I’m doing most of the times, and I’ve never woken up with some complete stranger after being drunk.
Yada, yada. I woke up next to Nathan this morning. I couldn’t remember most of the events last night. I wish I could go back to just being a teenager in high school. Falling asleep in Adam’s room, making out with Fred between classes. Study with Connie; argue with Charlie about the line-ups.
I didn’t let Nathan come close to me. He kissed me, and I felt like I was going to explode. I told him that I couldn’t sleep with him just because I was mad at Adam. Nathan kept saying that it was okay anyway. He was clearly lying, trying to get me into bed anyway.
The worst thing is, I can’t remember if he succeeded or not..
“I gotta go,” I whispered to him.
“Uhu,” he mumbled, still asleep. “I’ll call you.”
“Don’t bother,” I answered and put on my shoes. He probably said things like that automatically after he slept with a girl.
The hallway felt wider all of a sudden. Like I was walking towards my own execution. By now, the whole team should know about what I did last night. Adam probably told them his angle, and everybody would hate me for hitting him, when he was just ‘trying to help me’. They would know that I left with Nathan, and they would all know that I didn’t sleep in my room.
Go, team, go.
It took forever to go back to my dorm, I was tired and sad, my feet hurt and I felt dirty. Plus, I wasn’t sure what was waiting when I got to my room. Had Adam thrown my clothes into the hallway, and packed my stuff? Had Charlie expelled me from the team?
I put the key into the door and closed my eyes. I was really scared, afraid to open the door.
Before I had the chance to push the door open, it flung open by someone on the other side. The same ‘someone’ grabbed my jacket and pulled me in. Man, I thought I was going to get beaten up or something.
I didn’t get beaten up. I really should stop assuming things, since I’m mostly way off. Instead of getting my ass kicked, I got a breath-taking hug. One of those hugs that feels as if you’re going to be squeezed to death by. I’m not making it up if I say that I couldn’t breath at all.
“You’re back!” Adam exclaimed. “I’ve been so worried!”
Now he’s really scaring me.
“Uhm...” I began. “Adam, what are you doing?”
“I’ve been really worried, why did you disappear last night? God, you look like hell!”
I was still angry, and his lack of sensitivity didn’t make it better. “I look the way you feel, hopefully,” I said, even though it was the other way around. “I’m back now, call off the search.”
As usual, the rest of the room was crowded with curious people. Even if Adam wasn’t going to yell at me, I had a feeling that Charlie would. I threw a quick glimpse at the others: Guy, Connie, Charlie, Travis, Fred and Sarah. Why was I not surprised?
I decided to avoid their questions by walking quickly to my room. If I locked myself into my room and crawled under the covers, while wishing myself to an early death, would probably solve all my problems...
Charlie approached me and pushed himself in between the door and me. “Don’t try to get away, Cee. We’ve been looking for you, and we actually thought you were in big trouble,” he growled. “I was this close to tell Coach Bombay you were missing. You owe us an explanation.”
“I don’t owe you anything,” I shot back. “Last night you couldn’t have cared less, and now you’re my guardian angel. What do you wanna know? I got sick and tired of being left out of this little circle of friends, so after my so-called ‘friend’ told me exactly why I’m a failure in relationships, I followed some guy I’ve never met before, home. The rest is none of your business.”
“Of course it is!” Charlie shouted. “You practically ran away from home! How am I supposed to look after you if you disappear all the time? And I forbid you to go anywhere without my permission anymore. You can’t run off with strange guys like that!”
“Oh, screw you, Charlie,” I replied. “I can do whatever I want, you’re not my parent, nor are you my coach. You treat me like shit, but you still want me to follow your stupid rules. That’s not fair!”
Adam interrupted us. “Let’s not exaggerate now, you two. Okay, so Cee did some stupid things...”
“Excuse me?!” I exploded. “What the hell did you do? Nothing? You made a fool out of me, and you attacked me with your stupid assumptions. Yes, I said ‘assumptions’, even though I’m just a stupid little foreigner with nothing else to do but screw around. Just look at Fred, he’s just like me. Even though he doesn’t know how to spell ‘assumption’, or what it means.”
Okay, I said a lot of garbage, but I always do.
“Hey, what did I do?” Fred asked. “Is this about us again? And I do know what ‘assumptions’ mean!”
While I fumbled for the doorknob, I heard Fred lean towards Sarah and say ‘it’s the same thing as guessing, right?’. He’s not as stupid as we all give him credit for. I really shouldn’t call him dumb, because he’s not.
Charlie kept knocking on my door, yelling demands. I put on my headphones and listened to my favorite ‘I’m angry’-music. Twenty minutes later, I was so pumped with rage that I could’ve killed a cute little puppy with my thumbnail. When I turned around to put in a new CD in the stereo, I saw Fred standing there, watching me.
“For God’s sake! What the hell?!” I yelled. “Are you trying to give me an heart-attack?”
“Sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to talk to you. Did you do all those stuff yesterday because you were mad at me?”
“If you want to know, I’ll have to say that it’s none of your business.”
“Even if you think I’m a huge jerk, I still care about you, Cecilia. I don’t want you to do things you’ll regret later, just because you think you hate me,” he told me. “What happened last night? What did Adam say to you? Did you just hit him because you couldn’t get to me first?”
“What’s it to you?”
“Because if you did, you could be mistaken for a slut.”
“And you’re a man-whore. Touché.”
“God, you’re impossible! I just want to talk to you; you don’t have to bite my head off! Did you, or did you not sleep with that guy?” Fred went on, with his most determined expression on his face.
“What’s it to you,” I repeated, trying to get on his nerves. I succeeded, yay me.
“Stop that, Cecilia. What happened?”
“Well, the short story is; Adam insulted me by telling me how much of an alcoholic you used to be, told me that you left me because you got sick and tired of me and then I slapped Adam, because he deserved it. Yes, I followed that guy home, but unlike you, I don’t sleep around.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Fred wanted to know. “That’s the second time you say that I screw around in less then an hour. And I know how to spell ‘assumption’. A-S-S-U-P-T-I-O-N.”
“You forgot the M.”
“Damnit!” Fred exclaimed and kicked my bed. “You get what I mean, Cecilia! Don’t let Adam get to you, he was drunk, and you were drunk. And I don’t sleep around, where did you get that from?”
“Connie,” I admitted. “She enlightened me to reality. Why should you be all absent from sex, just because I haven’t slept with anyone since you left, huh?”
“You haven’t?” Fred asked, trying to hide a huge smirk on his face. “Cool.”
“That’s not cool!” I yelled. “You think it’s easy for me to see you with lots of different girls, while I’m still not over the loss of that stupid baby, who clearly have ruined my life completely. It’s not funny at all! It’s awful to think that you never care about it, because you should! You should feel bad!”
Fred sat down next to me. “I know; I’m just trying to deal with it my way.”
“You had the whole summer, the whole six months before college to deal with it. What the hell did you do in Sweden? Crawled under a rock and stayed there until you couldn’t feel anything at all anymore?”
“My Dad had a heart-attack...”
“I know that, but our problem was more important. You go entertain your girlfriend, and touch her cheek and get laid. What do I care?”
“I haven’t slept with anyone, you’re blowing this way out of proportion.”
“Well, I haven’t slept with anyone either, and YOU’RE blowing this way out of proportion,” I shot back. “Why are you here?”
“Charlie was too mad, and Adam was upset, Connie wanted to talk to you, so I offered.”
“Gee, thanks. What’s next?”
“Thanksgiving, a tournament, Christmas, New Year and then my birthday. What have you planned to buy me? I already have everything money can buy, so I don’t need that again.”
I got up from the bed and walked over to my dresser, still messed up from Adam’s sloppy behavior last night. “Where are you going?” Fred asked.
“Nowhere, apparently. Don’t worry; I won’t disappear again. What do I have to run for? I’m taking a shower, please tell Charlie to write that in his little book of control.”
I closed the door to the bathroom, sighed deeply and went over to the shower. I didn’t even have the strength to cry anymore. I just stared into the mirror, while the water was running.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Adam said nothing when I finally came out of the bathroom. He sat on his bed, flipping through the channels. While I went through my wardrobe, I knew he was staring at me. He’s annoying that way.
“You’re going home?” I suddenly asked.
“No... Why should I leave the day before Thanksgiving?”
“I dunno. Because you don’t wanna miss out on the joyous occasion of going by bus to Minnesota?”
“It takes fourteen hours by bus.”
“Approximately,” I mumbled. “What are you watching?”
Adam threw the remote at me. “‘Six Feet Under’,” he answered. “Ironic, huh?”
“I feel more like ‘Rock Bottom Under’,” I joked and took out a T-shirt. “Turn around.”
Adam turned his head away. “Man, you really should find another place to change clothes at. I’m getting tired of being told to ‘turn around’ all the time. I’ve seen you naked like hundreds of times.”
“No, you haven’t. You just tell people you have,” I smiled. “That’s not the same thing.”
“Are you mad at me?” Adam said. “I didn’t mean to make you angry and like... hit me and stuff. That hurt, by the way.”
“You deserved it,” I muttered.
“I was actually planning on hearing ‘I am sorry’, instead of ‘you deserved it’.”
“You did deserve it. You were drunk; you humiliated me and insulted me. You behaved just like Fred did when he drank too much. I can’t let you get away with that, not after what I went through with Fred.”
“I was not the only one being drunk at that party.”
“You drew me into the arms of some strange guy, who could’ve been a rapist, or even worse, an idiot,” I went on, really on a roll now.
“Don’t you have a will of your own? I never forced you to go with that guy.”
“Yes you did! No one but him cared about me at that point, so I felt abandoned and alone. For the record, Fred didn’t leave me because he grew tired of me. His Dad had a heart attack, while I was pregnant with his baby. Is that enough information for you? Maybe I should tell everyone about this? I mean, so they can stop snooping around in my business.”
“Cecilia...”
“Back off, Adam. I’m going to tell everyone the truth,” I ranted, totally oblivious to what I was doing. I slammed the door opened and went over to knock on Charlie’s door. Fred opened and gave me a puzzled look.
“Are you okay? You look... bewildered.”
“Well, I am!” I shouted. “Where’s Charlie? He wants to know everything, so I’m telling him everything.”
I stumbled back into the living room, pushing Adam out of my way. Disillusion, here I come.
“Everybody just wants to figure out what the hell I’m hiding, well, not much. I had a baby once, but now I don’t anymore. It hurt like hell to lose it, but who cares? Fred left anyway, and I was all alone on the streets.”
“Cecilia...” Fred tried.
“Stop calling me that! My name is not... Don’t call me ‘Cecilia’! What happened to ‘Cee’? I’m even fine with being called ‘Little’, but don’t you ever call me ‘Cecilia’ ever again!”
Fred gave me an even stranger look. “It’s your name,” he pointed out.
“I know! Don’t speak to me like I’m a youngster, I’m not a child anymore, and you can’t take care of me like you used to. Get off my back and start mourning over the death of our child instead.”
“Calm down,” Charlie suggested.
“You calm down! You calm down instead, and start with taking care of me, according to your program. I need to be taken care off, isn’t it obvious?”
The last couple of days have been really demanding. I can’t believe I’ve put up with myself for this long. Well, it all went down to hell after my outburst. I got another anxiety attack, I lost my breath again, and everything blackened in front of my eyes. I know I did lots of things, said lots of things, because I was worked up.
And so the secret tale of me ended. Everyone knew about the skeletons in my closet.
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“Are you never getting up from there?” Charlie asked. “I’ve made you some tea.”
“I’m really embarrassed,” I admitted.
“C’mon, you just did what you had to. We drove you crazy, and you told us off. Loud and clear. Too bad you had to lose your conscious while you did it.”
“Don’t joke about it,” I begged. “It was a mistake, I never should’ve said all those stuff. What did Coach Bombay say?”
Charlie snickered, and then he put some sugar into my tea. “He said lots of things, most of it aren’t appropriate for young ears like yours. He wasn’t too pleased with having to give you tranquilizers. Or Prozac or whatever it was.”
“It wasn’t Prozac, it was what they usually put down my throat to get me to calm down. I think it’s against those human rights everybody is talking about. What do you think?”
Adam leaned over me and gave me a worried look, like those ones doctors gives you when you have faced death. I don’t know.
“I know what I think,” Adam said. “I think I was unfair to you. I never would’ve said all those things to you if I’d known...”
“So now when you know, you’ll treat me different, like I was made of glass or something? Don’t bother,” I replied. “Striking, isn’t it, that as soon as the dirt is out, you all give me your greatest sympathy.”
“When I said that I wanted to be with you, I wasn’t lying. I wanted you to be with me, and not that frat-guy. You were supposed to stay with me, because you were my girlfriend for the night.”
“That’s dignifying. I’m your whore.”
“Don’t say that! What I mean is that I care about you. I’m not in love with you or anything; I just care about you. I promised to be you friend, so I am your friend. If you can’t deal with that, get over it.”
Charlie rolled his eyes. “You couldn’t have lied to her? The last thing she needs to hear is how much you DON’T want to go out with her. Smooth, Adam, really smooth.”
Adam shrugged and stood up. “I’m gonna go see what Fred’s doing. Last thing I heard, he was banging his head against the brick-wall outside.” He left and closed the door silently behind him. My so-called ‘best’ friend left me with the king of the team. Captain Annoying.
“Don’t bother being mad at little Banksie,” Charlie suggested. “He’s as crazy as you are sometimes. He’s really sorry about last night. He WAS drunk, and drunk people make mistakes. Just look at you.”
“Let’s just say that I’m sorry too, would that make for any inconvenience? Because I’m extremely sorry, and I would do anything to make it up to you,” Charlie whimpered. He’s cute when he’s begging.
“Buy me some lunch,” I muttered.
“I can take you out to dinner,” he continued.
“Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious! If Adam doesn’t want to go out with you, you’re up for granted, right?
“I’m not a car,” I told him. “Stop acting like you owe me things, because I know that you’re only trying your best to patch things over with in the nicest way.”
“No, I can totally use a girlfriend. And you’re not too bad. You’re kind of pretty, you don’t dress like a rainbow and you know how to keep a conversation going.”
Charlie has always been like a big brother to me; he’s driving me crazy, always yells at me, and tries to make me do the right things in life. Who made him my guardian brother-angel?
Christ, it makes the rest of this story sound like incest.
“So now you’re asking me out?” I joked.
I was so sure he was kidding, I could’ve bet money on it.
“I rarely ask mentally instable people out, but for your sake, I’ll do an exception. I promised I would, so now I am.”
“I was kidding, Charlie,” I said with a startled voice. “I don’t want you to ask me out. I was kidding.”
“I’m not,” he told me. And then he kissed me.
There are a few things I always assumed would happen, if hell froze over or something. If anyone happened to ask me out, I always thought it would be Adam. He can’t stand me, but at least he tries.
Never in hell would I have thought it would be Charlie. Captain Annoying.
I wanted to get Fred back. I wanted to get better grades. I wanted to figure out what happened between Nathan and me last night. None of that turned out as I wanted it to.
I guess sometimes you just can’t win, but I never knew losing were this great of a consolation.
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