The Story
It was a somewhat muggy, bland August day. I happened to be over at my main man Madison's house and, since we had been deprived of the Xbox, we were forced to drag out his barely-functioning Super Nintendo.
A while later, we had become rather bored with Joe & Mac, the vaguely homoerotic caveman game. Rummaging through Madison's god-forsaken closet, I was lucky to discover a beaten-up old cartridge, whose title I could barely make out. Little did I know that it would be this little game that would change how I would view games forever...
I did some background research afterwards, and for those of you who don't know (I'll assume just about all of you) Ultraman was a somewhat successful live-action Japanese show in the 90's. Think Power Rangers plus Godzilla.
Holy crap, that's Japanese!
And on DVD, apparently.
So, I carefully insert the cartridge into the slot (tee-hee), and upon opening, I'm rewarded with cheesy sound effects and a familiar logo:
Nice engrish there.
Without bothering to give any story whatsoever, the game launches me into stage one. This is clearly my kind of game.
So this is my first opponent, eh? Well, I certainly think I clean the proverbial clock of a 120,000 ton abomination with a toothed vagina for a mouth.
Must be one of the O'Reilleys.
ZING!
After a little 3 second cinematic of our hero growing to Ultra-size, it's time for combat.
BIFF!
It takes me awhile to adjust myself to the horribly awkward contols (X is jump? B is kick? Its MADNESS, I SAY!), but I manage to get off a few solid ones.
The thingy in the middle turns out to be a charge-o-meter of his attacks. I figured out that the monsters can only be slain with the top-power attack, 'BP'. Methinks it stands for 'big pow' or something. Maybe 'ballistic penis'... no, lets stick to 'big pow'. I discover Y is the 'use power' button, so I accidentally fire off a few 'KS' shots. Clearly, it stands for 'kinda sissy'.
Sadly, I learn rule #1 of Ultra Man combat the hard way; Never, ever stay within 3 feet of your opponent, or you'll get bitch-slapped to the other side of the screen in shame.
The show must go on, Ultra Man! Think of the fanboys! He gets up, and then I discover what later becomes the only strategy I ever utilize...
HEAD KICKERY!
Wow. Straight to the toothy vagina. Thats got to hurt. A few head-kicks later, It was time to finish this.
I ready my 'BP', and prepare to dispatch this monstrosity from whence it came.
Time to die, Gudis.
BEEOOOW!
KER-BLAMMY!
And the world is saved...
for now.
Ultra Man gives us a final nod before flying away with a mighty...
HOOOAH!
Break through!
Time to challenge next stage... DO YOU DARE?