Recently, I made a promise not only to myself but to the woman I love, to focus my energy and my desire into our relationship while bringing it to a higher level. A band of promise fits snuggly around my left ring finger and I must admit at times it feels as though I am suffocating, as though my blood is aching to flow freely from my fingertips. My underlying fear, my undying desire to run does not surface through a lack of emotion or through a lack of love but instead from my unwavering sense of pure Leo independence and pride. As a woman, more importantly a lesbian woman of size, I find that I am facing issues surrounding my lack of trust. All the time between now and tomorrow, I find small spurts of panic littering my subconscious; is there a woman more worthy just around her next bend? Is there a woman who can capture her in a way that I never will, a woman that the wind could carry away? When will she tire of my southern accent, my southern feistiness and pure fire for someone a little less spicy and a lot more plain? Really I suppose I am simply another hypocrite lining the streets of my small town, I am not a saint but I know somewhere inside that I believe everyone else should be. Perhaps, secretly I hold the idea that I am not worthy of true love, perhaps my heart is empty and no matter how hard someone tries to fill it, it is doomed to remain lifeless and cold. I am in love, I honestly believe that and I clutch to that truth will all of my strength. I will be the first to admit that this has been a learning experience for me, I will admit that this is perhaps the first relationship that I am able to freely label as real. Real in every sense of the word, from the tears through the pain and the laughter that erupts from the space between us as we lie in bed spewing emotion into the early morning. Maybe I have a hidden demon, the voice that reminds me the extra weight I carry is not beautiful to the world when it has stopped being beautiful to me. I have been in a perpetual bad mood, I have shielded myself emotionally and sexually because I suppose for many years I was ashamed of who I was and to some degree who I still am. Maybe this is a process, maybe I am still growing�maybe I am still learning to accept that someone can love me with all of their heart, maybe I am still learning to love myself at all. I am seraching for my emotional, physical, and sexual healing, I have a feeling it is hiding in the next bump along my path. |
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