"It's good corn." -Eric Bross
"It's good corn." -Eric Bross
Review of the entire movie...BW style!
But guess what? When I say entire movie...I mean entire movie, so if you haven't seen it yet and don't wanna be spoiled...don't spoil yourselves;).
And...yes, okay, I've seen the movie three times in the theater and even more on the laptop, but I'm almost certain I got some scene orders wrong. Soooooo:p????
Yes, that's right. A paper airplane, flying magically across the sky and avoiding any collision, thus reducing the number of bird casualties in Chicago. Gotta love those birds.
Anyway, the magical plane lands magically at the feet of Kevin Gibbons, who is currently playing with his magical(not really) high school band, Granite, at some graduation party. They're playing cover LANCE GETS TO SING OMIGOD ORGASM ORGASM tunes. Then Kevin spots a girl who looks a lot like a young Pink Ranger so his friend and bandmate Rod urge him to propose his feelings for her.
'Course, as we all know from seeing the movie trailers, Kevin turns out to be a moron. Er...I mean he's really shy. He can't make the move, and he starts to sweet SEXY LANCE SWEAT OH GOD HELP ME and then as everyone laughs at him, we're treated to a brief GLIMPSE OF LANCE SHIRTLESS OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD ORGASM and then he passes out on the floor. Smooth, Kev. Smooth.
Flash forward a few eons, Kevin is 25 and with his now-sexy friend Rod on the train, and Rod is telling him how much of a moron he...uh, I mean how he has trouble taking a risk. Then a kid gives French Fries to a lady. This particular scene is so wet-your-pants-funny that no power on this Earth will force me to spoil it for you;).
Cue the funky-azz background music(courtesy of Mocean Worker...doesn't appear on the soundtrack, pity)and cut to Kevin arriving for work; Kevin works in an ad company for a sleazy boss who drinks crack out of a cup. His colleagues include a senior mailroom manager who has verbal sex with the copy machine on a regular basis and a b**chy dominatrix who most likely skins her own animals for clothing. Yes Kev, you're on top of the world.
Kevin gets called to his office and by the boss -- who, let's be frank, probably wants Kevin's body and gets a sadistic and sexual thrill from ordering him around, exerting emotional dominance over his hapless employee. I'm sure y'all noticed this like I did, right? Okay good, now that we got that out of the way, let's move on(See what studying Film Noir did to me? Grr) -- and we get a hasty definition of an African gazelle. Which...I actually did not know before. What an educational film. Workplace sadism and African wildlife.
Kevin and Jackie(the bi**hy dominatrix)are assigned to work together on a Reebok advertisement and Kevin goes "Ree...BOK! Ree...BOK!" in another one of the film's moments of hilarity. Kevin's putting in his share of the work and more, but Jackie would obviously like to go back to skinning her animals. She's appeared for less than five minutes and already the majority of the audience would really like to see her cold dead body hanging from a tree. You go girl! 
After work, Kev's back on the L train, listening to some Al Green, and gets so into it that he suddenly jumps up and starts singing OMGGGGGG LANCE IS SINGING HE'S SO SEXXXY along to his track. He doesn't notice that the rest of the passengers are staring at him strangely until it's too late to preserve his dignity. Hey, happens to the best of us.
But then, he meets The Girl. It's love at first sight.
Train Girl takes a seat next to Kev, and they find many things to talk about...as for example The Cubs("Best moment? Whenever they win of course."), Al Green("I hear he's looking for a new opening act."), Pop Secret Popcorn("Butter makes it better baby!"), speed-naming all the presidents in order(Washington, Jefferson...yeah)(I have to mention it was pretty impressive watching this...if only a bit on the scary side), and paper airplanes. Yes, paper airplanes. In fact she takes him to her favorite spot at the station(you have a favorite spot at a train station? Okay girl...okay...)makes such an amazingly magical paper airplane that it flies and hit's Justin's...er, I mean, some guy's fro.
They share various magical moments together. They obviously want to have wild unrestrained naked sexual intercourse with each other very very badly. I mean come on...You could practically see them drooling on each others' expensive leather jackets. But of course Kevin, being the chode that he is, flakes out and doesn't get her name or her number.
IDIOT!
TOOL!
*beats Kevin with a stick*
Sigh. Alas, The Girl gets on her next train and leaves Kev in the dust. Poor Kev. Left in the dust.
Cut to Mary McGuire's, the local bar, Rod The Almighty Sexful One doing a hilarious cover of "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and causing the movie-going audience to either writhe in orgasmic thrill or roll around in laughter, both reactions being very suitable to The Almighty Sexful One.
While The Almighty is onstage, Kevin, eccentric wannabe-ghetto Eric, and preppy Dawson's Creek drop-out Randy is off at a table. Eric rags on Kevin for being a moron idiot tool, as he should.
Rod finishes and we learn that although he is The Almighty Sexful One, he has a bit of an inferiority complex. Sexy and humble...he's just too perfect isn't he? The guys reminisce about the ingenuity of the Family Circus(BW: ".......") and about high school times, times when Kevin was actually cool enough to swoop in on girls. Well that's not really what happened, but we gotta give the chode some credit, don't we?
Rod gets back on and sings. This segment itself is almost worth watching the entire film for, if not for all the other segments worth watching the film for. If you are in any slight or small way a fan of Joey or a fan of *NSYNC, you cannot miss this. In fact you shouldn't even miss this movie, but hey, one step at a time;).
"Kevin sits, silently still in the dead of the day
Wonderin' if he'll find that girl that just walked away
Was it something he said or something he did
Did the words not come out right?
He didn't try to get the digits
He didn't try
But I guess that's why they say
Kevin crapped out on his own!
But his friends would've helped him all along...
That poor bonehead!"
...that's all I remember of the song, but dear God my stitches are threatening to burst again(^_^).
Cut to Kevin and Eric walking outside...Eric suggests putting up posters everywhere looking for her and barks like a dog. Kevin suggests that he has brain damage.
Cut to The Girl's...oh @#$% it her name is Abbey...apartment, she's idly making SHOCK paper airplanes, and then her roommate drops in. They make idle girl-talk and idly talks about how Abbey has another boyfriend named Paul who's a scumbag piece of crap and how much she wants Kevin's body. Uh huh, in those exact words. Really.
We're back at Kevin's workplace, and they're trying to sell ideas to the big fat important people at Reebok. Long story short, bi**h lady steals Kevin's ideas and takes credit for them and Kevin gets pissed but can't do anything about it. Poor Kevin. Number of audience members crying out for b**ch lady's blood raises fourteen percent.
Well Kevin goes down to the copy room to make copies and starts talking to himself and rags on himself for being a massive tool who can't take a chance. "Why am I so afraid?" he asks himself dramatically, one of the first signs of pending insanity. And then suddenly as the movie's theme song plays("I'm layin' it, On the Line to show yooooouuuu...!"), he has an epiphany! Cool exciting scene as Kevin MAKES AN AD looking for Abbey and then COPIES it with the COPY MACHINE bopping his head to the music! WOW!!! EXCITING!!!!!
BUT IT GETS EVEN MORE EXCITING!!! He goes all over town and in an EXCITING montage complete with EXCITING music, he PUTS UP THE POSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
*faints from shock*
...
...okay lol guys, it was seriously a lot more exciting than I'm making it sound like;), and actually is a pretty cool scene sequence and all...it's supposed to symbolize how he's coming out of his shell and taking a chance, like the Big Moment of putting up posters and all. Wow. Just WOW!!!! WOWZERS OFF THE WALLLL!!!
...
Well anyway we see a hand taking one of the posters down just as Kevin leaves and...
Cut to the offices of The Chicago Daily Post. We are introduced to Brady Francis, who plays Tetris on his Game Boy Color and falls back on his azz. Ow. Anyway, Brady's boss tells him to do a story on this "compelling human interest story"(guy losing girl, guy wants to get girl back, yady yady poo poo)because Brady relates to miserable people. Brady explains that he doesn't want to because he knows Kevin. We're treated to a funny flashback scene where a dorky high school Brady tries to pick up on a hot chick for the prom(Who, hey, actually appears in Justin's film debut Model Behavior lol), but instead she goes and asks Kevin, who apparently was cool back then.
Ooh, shot down.
...
AAANYWAY, Brady's boss makes him do the story anyway because apparently ancient-as-dirt animosities shouldn't get in the way of career professionalism or something(YOU HEAR THAT, BACKSTREET BOYS!!!???? COUGH COUGH COUGH AHEM). But as Brady leaves, we zoom in on his face and suddenly he looks all evil and dark and Darth Sidious-like and says, "It's payback time."
OOOOH THE SUSPENSE!!!
...
Back at Kev's apartment, Randy and Eric discuss Adam's Apples while the phone rings he gets a call from The Girl! GASP!!! The guys do a funny chu-chu dance and Kev gets ready for a date.
Kev is all excited and stuff...but of course it isn't the right girl. GASP! SHOCK! Yeah that's enough of that...The lady is whacko and probably has a homemade shrine dedicated to Art Bell. Kevin tries to be gentlemanly("It's okay! Listen, pork happens.")but ultimately she smacks some guy with her purse and runs out in righteous indignation.
Meanwhile Abbey is off having lunch with her dorky boyfriend Paul who wants to have sex with his cellular phone...well he doesn't but he talks to it a lot. She's all annoyed that he doesn't pay her any attention, er, at all, and makes a paper airplane, because paper airplanes are the solution to the world's problems...well, hers anyway. But then he gives her some Al Green tickets and she starts to foam at the mouth. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.
So then we cut to Kevin, Randy, and Eric's apartment. Rod comes out from the shower OH SWEET LORD JESUS JOEY IN A BATHROBE SHOWER DEAR MEEEEEE and farts a lot. Randy calls him a flatulent philistine. Rod's idol, The Mick, appears on TRL with Ananda Lewis(Does Ananda even host TRL?)and Rod makes a sexy squeal then calls him a tool and walks out in righteous indignation. Brady calls them on the phone, Eric picks up("Yo I'm jes' chillin', coolin' like the other side'o the pillow you know what I mean?" "...Uh I don't get it." "No it's like...forget it dude."), and convinces Kevin to put his article in the paper.
Next day at work, apparently everyone in the known universe reads the paper(who woulda thought?)and knows about how Kevin's this hugely romantic guy and is checking out his sexy azz. His boss laughs like a hyena, and Reebok wants him to head their ad compaign, because they want someone like him. Gee. If only I had what Kevin has. Then everyone would like me too. If only I had a sexy azz. *shakes head sadly*
Kevin and Rod go to a Cubs game where Eric is selling hot dogs and chips and all those fatty substances. Abbey is watching the same exact game on TV but by superspecialmoviemagicalness she doesn't see them. Rod suggest that Kevin is just having delusions and a woman sitting behind them suggests that Kevin has sex with her daughter. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. Rod calls Kevin "No Action Jackson" and, in a funny clip, Sammy Sosa hits a homerun straight into Eric's
"Nuts?" Julie asks Brady in their office. Julie is Brady's girlfriend, played by Amanda Foreman from Felicity and by God she looks scarily attractive without all that scary makeup. Also, by God Brady has such a scarily attractive girlfriend, why the heck is he miserable? He's either impotent or gay, maybe both?
Anyway, they talk about how big of a tool Brady is and just how much she should have sex with Kevin.
Geez, a lot of people want to have sex with Kevin, don't they.
Big montage scene as cool *NSYNC song plays! Days of Our Lives, Kev-style. He goes on dates but none of them turn out to be the right girl, instead they're all weird ladies who want to have sex with him once they've found out that he's romantic. In the meantime, he breakdances, falls on his butt, jams a phone into the bowl of popcorn(d-d-d-dirty pop, baby you can't...uh, sorry), and gets his ideas used as a napkin for b**ch-girl who eats Chinese. You're not worthy of Chinese, da**it. YOU'RE NOT WORTHY!!!!!! Pant pant pant pant.
Montage ends with Kev throwing at baseball at Rod in a field they're playing at for wearing using his towel the other day. Rod says he's also wearing Kev's underwear. Oh those boys. Always so tight with each other coughcoughchokehurl.
They join the other guys for BBQ and they suggest to Kevin they he should let the other guys take out the girls and screen them to see if they're the right ones. Kevin, being the nice guy that he is, what with the having a soul and all, says no.
Next day at work Kev's boss says that Kevin ought to drink crack out of a glass too. Then through a sequence that would render me temporarily insane to describe in text, Kevin unknowingly tells Eric through the phone that yes they can go out with the women who call him. Next time Kevin, switch to AT&T. No static, clearer connections, less confusion.
At the Al Green concert at the operahouse, Kevin is there with Eric and Abbey is waiting for Paul but SHOCK!! He calls her on SHOCK the cellphone and SHOCK he can't be there, which leaves Abbey very traumatized and emotional and vulnerable and...nevermind. Anyway, both Kev and Abbey are kindanotreally looking for each other, but by megasuperdupermoviemagic(Hey, Emmanuelle's words, not mine...except for the megasuperduper part)they always miss each other, when finally Eric and Kev(more Eric than Kev, really)are dragged out of the club because Eric didn't have tickets. Hey, don't blame me for not being able to explain it, it's the movie's fault;).
On the train ride home, Kevin dreams of Abbey but wakes up before she can tell him her name. For heaven's sake Kev, if you're gonna dream about the woman you love at the very least there needs to be a feathers involved!! What a tool.
Back home, Kev finds to his shock and trauma and dismay that the other guys have set up a system to go out with all the ladies who are calling him and Randy puts on a pink tutu. Anyway, Kev throws a hissy fit but the other guys go on ahead with the plan since they don't know what he's so angry about. They don't have souls, you see. In righteous indignation, Kevin storms out, and Eric gets a call from...
...Brady, who is at his apartment with Julie. Julie smothers him with kisses and he grimaces in pain, further proving my theory that he just does not swing that way. Which is just fine but hey, then the huge moron goes on a spiel on why love and romance don't exist in the world, and for some reason that kinda talk just happens to be a huge turn-off when you're a girl. Hey, who woulda thought? Julie walks out in righteous indignation(there seems to be a lot of that in this movie)but Brady gets his Evil Face going on and calls her back and we know he's coming up with something evil and dastardly and evil. Because that's what evil people do.
The next day, Abbey finally sees the article in the Daily Post and calls Kevin's house. Eric picks up, pretending to be Kevin, and sets up a date with her. OOOOHHH WHOA MAJOR PLOT-TWIST WARNING!!!!!
Kevin's friends get ready for dates and Joey sprays his manhood with breath freshener...well, apparently it hurts. Having never sprayed my manhood with anything, much less breath freshener, I can't empathize. I really can't.
In another montage scene, they go on dates with, not particularly in order, a popstar(1/3 of Blaque), a goth girl(with 49 different piercings on her body), Joanie Laurer(Chyna for those of you who don't keep up;)), a teeny(well as teenies go she was a comparitively mild case but hey), and Julie.
Eric's last date of the night turns out to be, of course, Abbey. She walks into the restaraunt, takes one look at him, and starts to violently vomit on the floor. Well no she doesn't, but she still knows that he's not the real train man because after all, she's the real train girl. She walks out in righteous indignation and Eric chases after her only to accidentally confuse her into thinking that Kevin put them up to this. Ohhh the plot-twists.
The next morning at Brady's, Julie walks in on crutches and a broken nose and breaks Brady's neck. Kinda. She informs him that she doesn't think it was Kevin, and that his friends are taking the girls out for him. Brady goes into Evil Mode again and says "His butt is mine!" in one of the film's more obviously overdubbed moments;). Then he notices her injuries and asks her how she got them but she just giggles.
At work, after having read the new article by Brady, Kevin becomes the most hated man in Chicago, and this time his sexy azz won't be enough to save him. His boss tells him that Reebok's kicking him off the team. "It's an image thing," he says. B**ch girl appears once more to throw in an extra dosage of bi**hiness.
At Kev's apartment, Rod is asleep on the couch and farting a lot. Randy and Eric are in the kitchen telling of their "conquests" last night. Rod farts, falls off the couch, and joins them, in that order. After some egging on, he tells him about how he injured Julie...let's just say that sometimes sex and rock and roll just doesn't go well after all;). Eric mentions hesitantly that he did see the real train girl last night and the others choke on milk and make him promise to tell Kevin.
At work, bi**h lady is having trouble with the copy machine and Nathan isn't there to fix it("I swear, I will unplug you and throw you down all flights of..."). So Kevin, having a soul, decides to help her and has verbal sex with the machine, fixing it. As he leaves, she looks after him with a strange look as she looks. Could she possibly be changing her attitude?????? GASP! Oh like you weren't expecting this all along.
Oh but it gets better. At the L train station, Kevin sees Abbey and chases after her...only to be dissed and dismissed as she nonchalantly hops onto the next train. Kev bangs on the window, and she pins the Daily Post to the window with the front page news "TRAIN MAN SCAM" very clear. And as the train rolls off, poor Kev is left in the dust. Poor Kev. Left in the dust.
The next scene, Kev is with Eric on their ball field. Kev tells Eric about his tragic trauma and wonders why Abbey hadn't called him in the first place. Eric reluctantly tells him about how he met Abbey last night. Hearing this, Kevin pulls out a .37 caliber mark rifle and blasts Eric's left shoulder clean off and laughs maniacally.
...
...
...
...or maybe he just punches his in the face and walks off in, you guessed it, righteous indignation.
"WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO! WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT! WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IIIIIT! ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!"
Says Rod.
Being an ex-film buff has its advantages...you learn to recognize certain prominent yet still effective cliches;). For now it's time for the Big Dramatic Chat where two people pour their hearts out to each other and end up having a more personal and intimate understanding of their compadre. At times very gender-specific...ie male bonding or girl talk. If it isn't gender specific, substitute as foreplay and always ends up with the two chatters in the sack.
Anyway, at the bar Rod apologizes to Kevin for not having a soul and tells him that he admires him for having taken a chance. He talks about why he wanted to get into music and how Kevin inspired him to take a chance and write his own song. "Good luck with that," says Kevin. Everyone together now: AWWWWWWWWWW. Kevin feels a little better but as he says the damage has already been done.
Another note of interest...Rod wears black nail polish. Yeah I know, utmostly fascinating, isn't it?
And now, another big montage scene with a cool *NSYNC song stuck in! Kevin and Abbey wander the dark town thinking about sex...or about each other. Same thing. Kevin sits at his workdesk, all sad and lonely, and throws a paper airplane. Stark portrayal of loss and want and desire and defeat and surrender using aesthetic if somewhat obvious and bare symbolism. Or...something.
Back at the apartment, Kev's friends feel like morons and want to try and undo what they've done somehow. They decide to go all over town and try to find the train girl by themselves. At one particular train, Eric gets pissed at how unresponsive people have been and publicly admits how insensitive they have been to Kevin and that he didn't have anything to do with this and gives a nice speech about how "Love may not make the world go 'round, but it's what makes the ride worthwhile." People give him a standing ovation. We see that Abbey is actually one of the people on that train and she heard the spiel as well.
Sure it's cheesy...but hey, if I didn't have cheese like everyday, would you still wanna...nevermind. I enjoy a little cheese every now and then...cheesy doesn't mean bad. Though maybe I shouldn't be the one talking about things like this seeing as how I've willingly seen all three Free Willy movies around 999999999999 times, give or take a few million.
Back at work, Kevin asks the receptionist why Nathan hasn't been in. She's surprised that he hasn't heard, Nathan had a mild heart attack when The Cubs lost the other day and is in the old peoples' home(Someone told me that the PC term is "Assisted Living"...lol, I think "old peoples' home" is a tad kinder than that...)
That soul of his kicks in full-force and Kev goes to visit the guy. They have another Big Dramatic Chat, where Nathan tells Kev about why he likes the Cubs so much: Because they keep coming back, no matter how many times they suck. Er...not in those words. He gives Kev the baseball he's had for a long time, another stark example of symbolism, the baseball representing the unrelenting will to keep on going even when you strike out. Y'all care greatly, of course;).
Back at work(again), Kev's back in the mailroom and fiddling with the baseball when Jackie suddenly appears and tells him that he's back on the team. GASP! She actually told Reebok that it was his design the whole time. GASP!!! They share a Moment and it's hinted at that b**ch girl may not be all that much of a bi**h after all(oh whatever, you know she's only doing this because she wants his body). She tells him to work fast because those copies are going to be all over town, and as she leaves she says, "I hope you do find her."
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
All joking aside(yeah right...), I really do like this next scene...Kev's on the L Train again and sees a "Place Your Ad Here!" billboard. The next shot, people all over Chicago are looking up at huge billboards all over town.
"L Train Girl...I'm sorry! Meet me at our stop on Friday 7 pm" - Kevin
Everyone together now: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
And all through this there's this cool inspirational BBMak song playing in the background and it's just really nice ya know? I like this scene.
It's the Big Day...you just know that the finale is approaching. Kev and his friends are at the bar again and Kev, being the inspirational guy that he is, says that he'll have to do this one on his own...as opposed to, of course, every single other thing that he does in this movie that wasn't alone?
As Kevin's about to leave, Rod sprays his mouth with that breath freshener he used on his manhood. It doesn't hurt Kevin. There's probably some blatant symbolism in this as well, portraying the exchange in confidence or perhaps the sharing of identities reflected through the breath freshener. In which case the little bottle of breath freshener could represent either courage or support from a friend, either analyzation perfectly reasonable and justifiable.
Or not.
Anyway, Kevin goes off to do his thing and we find that Randy and Eric are really his long lost parents as they reminisce about just how hard it is to watch the kids grow up and leave the parents' nest for greener pastures so to speak.
...
...no. Not...really. Yes, I'm really running out of material to put down, so sue me.
So Kevin hurries to their stop...only to find himself surrounded by newsreporters and a whole lotta spectators because after all the entire city of Chicago is obsessed with this story of the guy who wants to find the girl again. Everyone just wants a piece of the guy, not exactly what he had in mind. But he only has one thing on his mind: Where in the @#$% is Abbey??
The clock is ticking away and 7 pm, as well as the inevitable conclusion/finale/Apocalypse, approaches;).
Back at Mary McGuire's, Rod is about to start another song when, suddenly, The Mick appears! GASP...ahhh nevermind. Anyway Rod starts to convulse and foam at the mouth much like Abbey had starts to babble like a teeny. The Mick tells him that he received a demo tape from an anonymous dude(Kevin of course)and wants Rod to be on his new record label. Rod has an orgasm and starts to dry hump The Mick, but his bodyguards pull him off.
Just then Julie appears and Rod introduces her and The Mick to each other, and Julie says something along the lines of "I find Mick incredibly arousing, yeah, but the real man I want to have wild unrestrained naked sexual intercourse with is you, you luscious creature you."
Yeah, can't you just tell I'm trying to make this as interesting as I can;)?
Poor Brady. Dissed and dismissed twice. So yeah after being appropriated aroused by Julie's arousing confession, Rod volunteers to play his song for them (FINALE IMMINENT) and gets up on the stage.
Ready to Fall
When he started playing...it was just...yay.
I think that each and every one of us should now take a moment of our lives to reflect upon how much Joey rocks. I'm talking to you. Do it. NOW!
To say that I like this song would be around the equivalent of saying there's a lot of water in the ocean. It's truth but...it just doesn't do it justice.
More on this song below, for now let's just get back to the actual movie lol.
Anyway as Rod strums on and sings the AWESOME song, very suitable for the finale, we cut back to Kevin and the rest of Chicago waiting at the L Train Station. She still hasn't showed, and it's just about 7pm. Rod and the rest of the guys, the entire bar really, plus Nathan, is watching the whole thing on TV but getting less and less hopeful.
It's back at the station...and ten minutes past seven. People had begun to give up and are leaving. Kevin hangs his head dejectedly in defeat. Poor Kevin. Hanging his head dejectedly in defeat.
When suddenly...GASP!
SHOCK!
SURPISE!!!
A paper airplane flies down from the middle of nowhere and lands at Kevin's feet. Being the clueless tool that he is, he has no idea who threw it.
On the airplane though, are written the words "Open me." Kevin does open it...and it says "Look up!" Kevin looks up, and...
Awwww.
Long story short, Kevin runs up the stairs to her favorite place as introduced at the beginning of the movie(Remember? Or were you not paying attention?)...
"Two questions: What is your name?...and can I please have your phone number?"
"Abbey...and I thought you'd never ask."
Awwww.
And everyone ends up happy!
...that is, of course, until the credits roll and some very prominent scene-stealers pop up;). All I'm gonna say is that if anyone ever doubted that Chris could sound like a woman before, well...doubt no more:p.
THE END
A few years back...before I was ever an *NSYNC fan...I made the Unofficial Free Willy Homepage. No huge reason...I liked the movies a lot, and I didn't like how the general reaction of the public was to scoff at it, most people having never even really seen it or judged it fairly. I thought at the time and still do think that the main reason for this was that people just tend to diss on "happy" things in general. When I made that site, I asked myself why this was so. Today I still do.
I never listen to critics. I think that the whole idea of a critic is kinda insulting to society...I mean you have someone who gets paid to tell you whether or not you should like something? It's different, I think, if you just want second opinion on something, but the whole attitude that we "rely" on critics in the entertainment business is a little shameful, I think, for a culture that prides itself on its individuality. I think that the absolutely worst thing that any moviegoer can do before watching a movie is to read a review of it. If I only liked the things that a critic told me to like...I wouldn't like half the things I like today, and I think this is true for a lot of people too.
Roger Ebert didn't like OTL. He put it as one of the worst movies of 2001. Roger Ebert can take that thumb of his and stick it where the sun don't shine.
See, I do like OTL. Loved it. Loved almost every second of it. It's the kind of movie that I like to see, that I wouldn't mind watching many times, definitely more than once. Take some other movie that I like, say...Pearl Harbor. I think Pearl Harbor is a great movie. But would I watch it over and over and over again, oft times in a row, just for the fun of seeing it? There's really so much of that kind of drama and trauma that my system can take in a while. But these movies like...That Thing You Do! and On the Line, it just gets better everytime you watch it, because you watch it for entertainment, simple as that. No huge dark whatever or enveloping storyline that is intentionally set out to mess with your mind. Movies like AI are so incredibly well done and I loved that as well, it really made me think about a lot of things...but is it really more "entertainment" or "stimulation?" There's a difference, after all. I think a bit of why I like a TV show like Buffy the Vampire Slayer may be because it's a bit of both to me.
On the other hand I don't deny that I may be just drawn to "fluff." I'm a bit more accepting of lightheartedness than other people. As I said, just because it's cheesy doesn't mean it's bad. One of the reasons I liked *NSYNC in the first place, after all, was that they were not as intentionally aggressive as other acts, which almost always completely puts me off. So really it's no wonder that I think there should be much more, much more movies like On the Line out there. Huge props to Lance and "A Happy Place" for realizing this and setting out to confront it.
And OTL is not, in any way shape or form, a bad movie. All the above being said, I think it was well put-together, a clever script, and engaging actors.
Emmanuelle Chriqui is easily the most appealing female personality to appear onscreen for a long time. She totally brings to life the character of Abbey and gives her direction and form, and when you consider that she probably appears for around ten to fifteen minutes out of the entire movie, that's really impressive. Plus, she looks totally comfortable and natural and, well, hot. Not just in the...physical sense...;)...she was just hot on all scales.
Although Lance is not gonna be winning any Oscars anytime soon, but he has come light years from the Seventh Heaven scenario;), showing just how much heart and soul and charisma and he can cram into one role provided he's given something good to work with lol(Okay I have nothing against Seventh Heaven seriously, but sometimes that show just...lkajgfa. It's not even fluff, it's like taking totally competent material and making it so unimaginably twisted that it's hard to watch with a straight face and that I'm not into)! It's fun to watch him in action and watch him develop this totally likeable character. And he was the leading man...the entire film basically depended upon him leading it. And he did so, very well.
And if anyone had any doubts about Joey's experience and potential as an actor before this, those doubts should be gone. It is completely and utterly impressive to watch Joe Fatone, who we as fans have seen in action and onscreen for a long time now, totally take on this separate, tangible character and personality. It just feels like there was a Rod onscreen and not just Joey. Same with Kevin and Lance really. I think there's a difference between taking on a skit-role so to speak, something just for play and fun(kinda like Justin and Chris do at the...well, what they did lol:p), and taking on a character. Joey took on a character and I feel he proved himself as an very capable thespian.
The rest of the cast is, as said, immensely engaging and likeable. You can almost feel the waves of having-fun-ness through the screen.
All in all...what can I say? The film gave me a good vibe and that's a nice thing. Basically, I only had one problem any of it, and that was with some of the camera angles. One was particularly noticeable, when Rod and Randy glare down on Eric at the breakfast table and the camera zoomed in on Eric squirming, there was a cereal box right in front of Rod's face and by God if that wasn't the most distracting thing in the universe. Even the most hurried filmmakers would take the time to move the dang box, even if it results in a blooper. The other was when Kevin was sitting in the train, just about to fall asleep and dream of Abbey, and they cut the camera angle so that not only Kevin was visible on the far left, but this guy sitting on the back of him was also on the right. If you watch it you'll know what I mean...what was the point of the guy? Why didn't they center on Kevin? It should be simple really. In fact why was a guy even sitting there, there was no point to him at all and only took away from the angle shot.
Lol I know I'm being very picky;). Just to show I can still remain a bit objective, even if I do love the movie and all.
My review for the OTL soundtrack;).
*On the Line: Joey, Lance, Mandy Moore, Christian Burns(BBMak), and True Vibe. My kind of song!
It's standard pop, but who says standard pop is bad? I love the upbeatness and the harmony parts and teheheheheheheheheehajhda Joey gets to sing a lot. They pick the perfect people to sing this too...not to mention that they're a few of my favorite people in the music biz;). Well, not True Vibe but that's only 'cause I don't know them:p.
It fits perfectly as the theme of the movie too.
Ooh right, and Lance gets a little solo rap part.
Click here for my thoughts on the Music Video.
*That Girl(Will Never Be Mine): *NSYNC. You know, I swear to God that at the beginning of this song they're singing "Bye...bye...bye...!" and not "Bah...bah...bah!" as so many people think:p. No one believes me though. Sigh.
;)
You know, I didn't really feel this song as much I maybe should when I first heard it...I think it was a section of the instrumentals. The "dudududududududun" part that played throughout. That just threw me so off.
But then I got around to loving it. The vocals saved it, really...the harmony parts on this are so well done and laid down so well and coordinates with the beat so nice that it just grew on me. My favorite part of this song? See the heading on top of this window;). Seriously, I just play that one section over and over a billion times and it gives some sort of twisted satsfaction or something.
*Under You: Trickside. Pretty cool, it's massively groove-worthy. I dunno, for some reason when I think of this I think of it as a "guy song" or something, it's cool.
*awaits scathing e-mails...j/k:p*
*Don't Look Down: BBMak. Oh yeah.
As I said, played during one of my fav scenes in the movie, when they're all looking up at the billboards and stuff. Very nice, very beautiful, very well put together. Almost entirely fitting to the scene of which it was played. Even though I don't consider myself a very large BBMak fan, I have a lot of their work and I think they're awesome. I caught a...well, I dunno what it was called, but it was on MTV and it showed them in Vietnam and stuff, it was really cool.
*Let's Stay Together(Remix): Again with that story about not liking it at first, then I listened to it a bit more and it grew on me...heh, happens to me a lot:).
Lance is in this of course...you can't really hear him that well if you're not used to listening for Lance but he's there alright with that fine bassness. I'm pretty sure GQ(who plays Eric)does the rap part since he does it during the credits and, well, what's the point of him doing it in the credits if he doesn't actually do it? And then there's a prominent female voice and for the life of me I cannot figure out who she is. Oddly enough, none of the above three are credited in the CD cover, but if you watched the All Access on OTL on the ABC Family Channel, you can see them in the studio and it is them.
*Let Me Be: Britney Spears. Kinda sounds like Jessica Simpson's Irresistable, something I didn't especially like either. Don't get me wrong, it's not too bad at all, but Brit has released much better stuff than this;), both before and on her new album(which I lurf).
*Falling: *NSYNC. This is where I vent...y'all know I almost never have any problems with the way *NSYNC runs their career, music-wise or otherwise. But when I heard this song and Chris was not singing any of the solos, Nice BW took a coffee break while Evil BW went on a massive rampage across Tokyo city. In my humble opinion, there is no reason why Chris would sing this song during their PO tour, of which I personally saw and heard him sing with my own eyes and ears, and that he isn't featured in this version. No reason at all. Even with I Drive Myself Crazy, they had a version out earlier in Europe with JC doing the solo instead of Chris, and I was all hopeful that it was going to be the case this time also. Could it just be from lack of time? But I had read articles which said, Chris Kirkpatrick wrote the song, Chris Kirkpatrick sings the solos. Why didn't it happen is why I'm wondering.
Sigh. I know, I'm being kinda whiny. All the above being said, I think they did a massively amazing job with this, Justin and JC do great solo work as I knew they would. It's an amazing song and all five members perform it flawlessly.
I just wish...Chris. It would have been different if he sang the solo. Maybe not better, but...different.
I love this song, with or without Chris, but I on some selfish longing level do wish that it was him.
*Do You C What I C: Vitamin C. Lol at this...it's not really my style of music, but it's cute and bouncy and Ms. C has a very pretty voice. I like it. You can't help but bop along to the "do-do-dooby" parts, even though it kinda reminds me of Scooby Doo and I desperately want to maim the mangy creature. Ehh...anyway.
*Ready to Fall: Joey Fatone. Joey. Fatone. Jo. Ey. Fa. Tone. Jooo. Eeeey. Faaaaaa. Toooooooooooooooone.
Honestly...y'all have no idea how much I've listened to this one track, playing it over and over and over...
Seeing as how I've already said a bit about the song above in the movie synopsis I'll just continue my thoughts here: I think everyone has known for a long time now that Joey has a great voice. Now I've said this before...quite a few times I'm sure...most recently on the Atlantis Concert Page, that I'm totally at peace with the way of which *NSYNC distributes solos and that I think all those "Who gets the solos in *NSYNC and why it isn't fair whiny whiny whine" speeches, while not wholly without sense, are highly redundant and, more often than not, lame. I do wish a great deal that Joey and the others get more solos, I'm not even going to begin to try and downplay that even a little. But people get so caught up on who gets the solos and why it's so important, like that one ten second solo part is what makes the song important. And while I agree that solos can make or break a song, they do not make the song. The song makes the song. A crappy chorus harmony line could make a song suck just as easily as a crappy solo line could, and vice versa for great chorus and solo lines.
*NSYNC songs are not solo songs. I mean you can't listen to any of their songs and tell me with a straight face, "There's only one person singing." Singing solo and singing harmony are two different types of techniques altogether. Some of the greatest and strongest solo voices cannot do an ounce of harmony, it's a whole different artform. "Ready to Fall" is a solo song. Joey has done more than marvelously on non-solo *NSYNC songs before, and he does more than marvelously on this solo song.
That's all I wanted to say:D. Ooh, and huge phatty props to Dickie Marx for penning this awesome piece of work and to JC for producing it;).
*To Be Able To Love(Jonathan Peters Radio Mix): Jessica Folker. I don't generally like remixes...I think most of the times they just turn out to be worsened versions of the original. But I honestly did like this remix, it set a totally new beat without stripping away a lot of the elements of the original nor the strengths of her voice.
That being said, if you get a chance you have to check out the original version of this song, I think it's much more awesome;).
*My Hit Song: Melissa Lefton. Nooooooooooooooooooo.
I can tell no lies, I took this song off the Winamp playlist(Windows Media Player is a lot more hefty on the screen than Winamp and the skins all make my comp go slower so I normally don't use it to play my CDs or Mp3s unless I absolutely can't help it)after hearing it. I don't...like this. I know, I like pop music. It's like, my preferred genre or whatever. But this...this is like...lkajfgutrhjf.
Yeah;).
*Say You'll Walk the Distance: Robyn. Not bad...not bad at all. This one is weird for me because I really liked it at first, but the more I listened to it the more I tired of it a bit:p. It's a really nice song though, I don't really know Robyn that well but she's not bad.
*Take Me On: Richie Sambora. Ya know...I don't know why, but whenever I hear this song I think of one of those manly "loner" guys, like X-Men's Wolverine or Maximus from Gladiator or something lol. Maybe it's the whole persona around Richie S., that whole air that he carries...whatever it is, he carried it over to this song and made it cool in a sense that other people might not have been able to.
*Can't Trust Myself: Blaque. A bit too mellow for me and the lyrics are "Jigga wha?", but otherwise a very nice and well-done song.
*Ready to Fall: Meredith Edwards. Also appears on Meredith's album;). I had heard this version before the Joey version, and I had majorly liked it back then too. I'm not going to say that it's better or worse than Joey's version or even if I like it more or less, because those are just unfair questions. Meredith did a superb, superb job and made it sound beautiful and heartfelt. When I heard this on the OTL trailer it was just so...there. So very there and effective. It's a great song...Meredith does great with it. I liked the more traditional guitar and...is it accordian?...sounds that are in this one, it's more country-oriented that Joey's rocker version obviously;).
Lol I'll just come out and say it I guess...I had hoped for a lot more than what the DVD gave us, to be frank. Though technically and speaking from experience, in terms of general movie DVDs OTL gave us truckloads more extra stuff than the usual movies;). It's just that when you know there had to be tons more deleted scenes, and E.Bross even talks about some of them in the commentary, you have to wonder why this DVD only gave us four. Yes that's right; four. And two of them are extended and alternate scenes, in that order. The deleted scenes do not include...
*The Kevin/Al Green duet(DANGIT!!!!)
*The rumored Kevin bed scene(DAAAAAAANGIIIIITT!!!!)
*The rumored Rod/Julie bed scene(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARAAARRRAAAGHGHGHG!!!
)
*The scene with Rod's head in rollers(*hunts down DVD-makers*)
They do include a cute scene of Kev playing tic-tac-toe with a, uh, chicken, and a scene with Rod kissing Kev, so that's kinda cool
.
...
...
...on the cheeks, you sickos, on the cheeks
. Wow, I'm on a smiley-rush right now.
The outtakes were cool too, I loved the one with Jackie lol. But you know what was actually my favorite bonus DVD feature? The director and Emmanuelle commentaries. It was cool to hear them mentioning a lot of the elements of a "positive" movie that I had said above, and whenever they'd go on about something like that I'd always be like, "Oh my God, that's what I think too!" It's nice to hear the director and the actors being genuinely proud of their work and proud of this movie no matter what anyone says, because that's the way I feel too. I loved how they described the scene dynamics and the cast dynamics and I would agree with them because I saw a lot of the same things too. Wow I feel special.
And there were some funny moments in the commentaries too;).
So anyway...if you're a fan of the movie, this DVD is a must-get. If you're a fan of Lance and Joey, this DVD is a must-get. If you're an *NSYNC fan, I highly recommend that you check it out. And even if you're not any of the aforementioned, I still would recommend this DVD to you because you know what?...it's On the Line;).
Ooooh! You wanna know a secret special feature lol?? On the main page of the selections, get your icon thingie onto the dot "O'Hare Airport" and you can watch a small clip of Eric Bross and Emmanuelle making paper airplanes lol;).
Ooh and also for those who have trouble('cause I heard some people did)finding the music video, you have to go to "Bonus Material" and get your thingie onto Emmanuelle's face(wow that phrase went really wrong)on the lower-left corner, that's the link onto the next page lol. Yeah...have fun.
? The review's over! It's done! Go away!