Makeshift Blog:

7/9/03 6:18 pm

After several weeks of deep meditation, I've come up with what should be the perfect formula for the success of Blog vs. Blog.  Liz was set to be my first challenger, but since she can't seem to keep her computer from being a complete FAILURE TO MANKIND, I'll have to find someone else, but until then, the rules are as follows:

-A message board (through some sort of internet miracle) will be set up to incorporate all the viewer interaction (which will be abundant and highly sexual).
-The deck WILL BE SWABBED BY DARYL before every match.
-There will be 5 (five) rounds to every chhallenge.
-Daryl MUST BE VOTED OFF THE INTERNET BY TTHE END OF THE SECOND ROUND OR MY FUCKING RATINGS ARE GONNA GO IN THE SHITTER!  (Seriously, though, nobody wants Daryl around.)
-Both challengers will write about the samme topic in each round, and viewers will vote on it
-The first (1st) four (IV) rounds will be viewer-chosen topics that are agreed upon by both challengers.
-Camping will be allowed in the 2nd and 4tth rounds ONLY.  Any other additional camping = KICK...3 kicks = BAN.
-The final round's topic will be ABOUT YOUUR RIVAL in which your can slam and/or praise your rival at your own discretion.
-The first four rounds are worth 100 pointts each, while the last round will be worth 2x (double, 200), and the points will be allocated through a voting system on the message board where each challenger is awarded points proportional to the number of votes received.
-Voters are encouraged to read and reflectt upon both entries in an unbiased fashion.
-The rules for Blog vs. Blog are released under the GNU General Public License, so any attempts to capitalize on them will result in e^x, where x doesn't really matter because the derivative and the integral are gonna be the same anyway.

I get the feeling that none of these rules make sense, but that's ok because I don't think a single person exists that has the nuts to step up to my hefty challenge.  Oh yeah, and whoever has the least amount of points at the end of the challenge loses, making the other challenger the winner by default...saying it like this makes people feel worse about themselves when they lose and not as good about themselves when they win and that gives me a warm feeling deep down inside.
 

6/19/03 12:09 am

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!  NO DECK WILL BE LEFT UN-SWABBED!

For your sexual viewing pleasure, I'm pleased to announce...

BLOG VS. BLOG(tm)

In the epic struggle for blog supremacy, only one man/woman can be victorious.  To this end, I give you Blog vs. Blog(tm).  This brave new concept, developed exclusively by the Makeshift(tm) think-tank (me), will finally bring the internet to its knees in the way Sharks Where They Shouldn't Be(tm) should have, but somehow failed.  In the coming days, you will see the revival of the internet through this radical new concept, and a new age of blogging will begin.  If you do not enbrace Blog vs. Blog(tm), you will ultimately be annihilated by it.  Rules will be posted soon.  Challengers are welcome and can contact me through the usual methods, whatever those may be.

5/18/03 10:42 pm

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been trying to ride the Sharks Where They Shouldn't Be gimmick for about a week and a half now as an excuse not to post.  People are always asking, "Hey Chris Stevens, why is it that your site kicks so much more ass than mine?"  And I always tell them that they need a gimmick.  There aren't too many gimmicky blogs out there, and that's unfortunate.  In fact, I may start going a completely new direction with this site because blogs, in general, have become way too cliché.  Calling my site a blog is probably a big turn off to a lot of people because most blogs are just a jumbled collection of unadulterated teen (or "barely legal") angst.  My site isn't really any sort of documentation of my life like a journal or diary or whatever the fuck all these turds out there are writing.  It's more social commentary than anything else and, of course, the mutha fuckin' sharks, yo.  By next week, Makeshift Blog may be no more and will be replaced with Makeshift...something or other.

spiral out (haha, look at me, i'm a fag! ahahahaha)

5/7/03 1:31 pm

By popular demand, and due to the overwhelming volume of crappy shark pictures, I present to you the Sharks Where They Shouldn't Be Hall of Shame.

5/1/03 12:18 pm

You fuckers!  People seem to be having a difficult time following the rules for shark submissions.  They're not that hard to follow, so I don't know why everyone seems to have a problem.  The most commonly broken rule is THE SUBJECT LINE SHOULD BE "SHARKS WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE"!!!!(not necessarily in capitals)  I have yet to receive a SINGLE submission with the proper subject line.  From now on, if it subject line is wrong, I'm just going to assume it's spam and it will be DELETED!  Another rule that is commonly being broken is the size rule of being no greater than 640x480.  I'm not your mommy, so I'm not going to resize your fucking picture for you or wipe your ass for you or whatever the hell else you expect me to do.  I AM DOING YOU A FAVOR BY GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE YOUR WORK DISPLAYED ON THE MOST POPULAR SHARK COMEDY SITE ON THE FUCKING INTERNET, SO YOU SHOULD DO THE LEG WORK YOURSELF, MOTHER FUCKER!  Another problem that isn't actually a rule (but has now become one) is that over-compressing the JPEGs to hide your crappy photoshoppery will not be accepted.  Finally, the biggest problem is that people are STILL CAMPING.  I've kicked about a dozen people for it so far.  3 kicks = ban, whores!  That is all.

4/17/03 12:04 am

Official Announcement:

As you know, I have a growing collection of pictures of "Sharks Where They Shouldn't Be"(tm) on the front page of this site.  I'd like to take this time to announce (officially) that anyone who creates or finds a picture that fits the following criteria has the opportunity to have it posted up with the other pictures on what has become the internet's finest source for "Sharks Where They Shouldn't Be"(tm):

-The shark must be in a liquid or fluid-like substance (water, maple syrup, Vaseline, ball bearings, etc...but NOT AIR!  I REPEAT: NO FLYING SHARKS!!!).
-The shark must be kicking ass and taking names, not necessarily in that order.
-The picture CANNOT be a drawing or paintiing.  It MUST be a real photo, (which is probably impossible to find) or, more likely, a Photoshopped photo that appears to be real.
-No camping.
-The picture should be funny (subject to mmy expert approval).
-No Oddjob.  Player must be at least as tall as Boris and no taller than Jaws (Helicopter Pilot #1-2 and Scientists #768-1024 are allowed).
-The shark must be an ACTUAL shark that onne would see in the ocean...no stuffed, toy or otherwise nonsensical sharks.
-Pistols only.
-NO CAMPING, GOD DAMMIT!
-All submissions will be sent in the JPEG format (not zipped, you assholes) at a resolution no greater than 640x480 as an ATTACHMENT to [email protected] with the subject line "Sharks Where They Shouldn't Be" (as opposed to "You have already been approved for a home loan!" or "Enlarge your breasts 37 full cup sizes!").
-All JPEGs must be of a reasonably low commpression (an 8 or greater on Photoshop).

Rules are subject to change at any time, by me, without notice.
 

4/14/03 4:55 pm

It seems like every Asian and every cracker with an identity crisis has managed to shove this into their AIM profile as of late.  After careful research, I have determined that, yes, this is real (with the exception of 1 whole second of computer animation) and, no, I don't know why it's a Flash file instead of a "normal" video file.  The video is cool, I guess, but it's unfortunate that it's associated with a car manufacturer that sucks like the day is long.  I've been considering doing an unadulterated rant about 4-cylinder bullshit cars for a long time, but it's been far too played out already, so I'll just let it go.

Yeah, so Blockbuster is an underpaying festering pit of sexual harassment and about a thousand lawsuits waiting to happen, so I'm ditching them and moving on to Home Depot.  With this transition, I get a working environment without ugly, out-of-the-closet lesbians, better pay, stock options, 401k, and dental coverage (which, for some reason, I don't already have, but I need because I recently found out that I'm a mutant that needs my wisdom teeth removed).  I'm gonna be a cashier so I can avoid the heavy lifting, but I don't get to drive around the forklifts (chicks dig 'em, I've heard).  If this post sucks, it's because you're lacking enthusiasm.  I'm going now, and if the hits don't start coming in, I might not come back.

4/1/03 12:18 am

There are times in a man's life when he questions why things are the way they are.  One of the ideas I often contemplate is why there are so many gullible and/or stupid people roaming this great planet known as earth.  The evolutionary progress of the living organisms that inhabit this planet show that only the ones that are fit to live survive.  However, humans seem to go against the grain because in our struggle for equal rights and other hippie bullshit, we've spared millions upon millions of people who would've otherwise fell victim to their environment.  Case in point: this.

3/28/03 12:06 am

My life sucks in every capacity...this is nothing new, so it doesn't really count as an update.  kthxbye.

3/4/03 12:54 am

Since I haven't posted in awhile, I've just decided to use "Liz Acting Stupid On the Internet at Night: Part 16 of 137" as a filler.  I hope you enjoy it.

Snoopysk8r: monkiez
SwabTheDeckMatey: awe yeah, sucka
Snoopysk8r: bURP
SwabTheDeckMatey: stop burping in my face
SwabTheDeckMatey: i sent MiGs to bomb shmoolieface
Snoopysk8r: what are MiGs?
Snoopysk8r: monkeys?
SwabTheDeckMatey: russian jet fighters
SwabTheDeckMatey: RUSSIAN JET FUCKING FIGHTERS, YOU SIMP
Snoopysk8r: ohmm
Snoopysk8r: i made out with italian guyz
SwabTheDeckMatey: like, no
Snoopysk8r: yah

[Note: The actual story is that Liz "pretended" to make out with one (singular) Italian guy for a student film at her school after which I advised her that she should have jumped him and shoved her tongue down his throat, but she didn't.]

SwabTheDeckMatey: liz, you blew the opportunity of a life time
SwabTheDeckMatey: stop trying to trick me into believing otherwise
Snoopysk8r: haha okay
Snoopysk8r: MOTHERFUCKER
SwabTheDeckMatey: omg, let's fight
Snoopysk8r: i'm ready
SwabTheDeckMatey: your shoe lace is untied
Snoopysk8r: im not wearing shoelaces
Snoopysk8r: fucker! ::punches you:;
SwabTheDeckMatey: don't punch me, faggot
SwabTheDeckMatey: ::licks you::
Snoopysk8r: that's not the proper way to defend yourself
Snoopysk8r: DIE !~ ::knees you"::
SwabTheDeckMatey: ~~~~~~
SwabTheDeckMatey: tilde attack!
SwabTheDeckMatey: ~~~~~
SwabTheDeckMatey: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Snoopysk8r: haha
SwabTheDeckMatey: ~~~~~~~~~
SwabTheDeckMatey: ::zerg rush::
Snoopysk8r: wtf is zerg
SwabTheDeckMatey: it's what i just rushed you with
SwabTheDeckMatey: n00b, i can't believe you got zerg rushed
Snoopysk8r: :[
Snoopysk8r: die.

2/23/03 1:14 am

In my persistent struggle to be as un-politically correct as humanly possible, I've brought you this stupid video clip.  This is a momentous occasion because it's the first time a video clip has ever been featured here at Makeshift and it'll probably also be the last because I have close to no space to host things on this crappy site.  In Southern California, what this kid is doing would be perfectly acceptable because everyone there has discovered the truth, which is that "gay" is synonymous with "stupid".  However, most of Northern California is still in the dark ages because its occupants, for the most part, still believe that "gay" means "homosexual".  I don't know what ever gave them that impression, but that's what they think and there's simply no way around it.  If you wanna rag on this kid because he's trying to be funny, you can just go ahead.  As I've said before, your opinions mean absolutely nothing to me.

In other news, I ate Japanese food tonight, even though I'm Korean.  My Korean buddy Anferny said I was retarded for doing so, but he doesn't know much about anything.  I'd like to point out that the reason my posts are becoming less and less frequent is because all of you reading this are morons.  I'm sure a few of you out there think you're excluded from this blanket insult, but you're not.  ALL OF YOU SUCK AND SHOULD DIE!  Stop asking me to post, for the last fucking time.  I will kill you while you sleep if you do it again.