I was shocked. For a moment or two, I felt like something inside of me was dead. My brain went blank. I heard a high-pitch irritating sound like fire alarm ringing in my ears. I stared at the man standing before me, but I couldn't process his features, I was looking at nothing.
"Ashley?" Deyn touched my shoulder and asked in a concern voice, "are you okay?"
"So...you're the twin brother of...that girl...Rosie..." My voice was shaking; every word I said was like a stone, sinking my heart to the deepest darkness.
Deyn looked briefly away and back at me. His eyes were full of doubt and hesitation, yet a gleam of light was sparkling in them, telling me that he knew something which I've been starving to learn about.
"I know it's hard for you to see Rosie." Deyn said, omitting the details as if I've known every bit of the whole thing between Rosie and Mike. A strange kind of rage aroused in me. I was not mad at Deyn. I was mad at myself, at my cluelessness. I felt stupid, I felt like I'm the last one on earth to know about the truth.
"What do you mean?" I blurted out, and immediately I wanted to take the question back. This question was going to produce an answer I've been wanting to know. I felt amibvalent. I was dying to know the truth, yet could I take it? Could I bear the long-buried pain which is now surfacing?
"I mean, seeing Rosie here would remind you of Mr.Lee." Deyn said, slow and hesitant, choosing his words carefully to avoid hurting me. But he had no idea that the wound which I've been trying so hard to heal was opened up.
I couldn't bear the wordplay anymore. Me phrasing questions in the hope of digging the secret up, Deyn formulating answers trying his best to avoid slipping out the slightest slice of truth.
"Is...Rosie...having an affair with Mike?" I fired the question at Deyn. Suddenly, I felt exhausted as if I was going to collapse at any minute. I leaned on the glass window of the ward to find myself some support.
Deyn looked away. His eyes was clouded with a sense of unease. He looked preoccupied. A thousand things were going on in his mind.
After a few seconds he looked back at me. His eyes were always my focus when I looked at his face. Just like Mike's, Deyn's eyes knew how to speak; they seemed to convey messages which are beyond words. Mike's corneas were in Deyn's eyes, is Mike reliving in Deyn?
And why should he relive in Deyn, the replicate of Rosie the secret grilfriend he has sacrificed his life for?
"Yes" Deyn said after some hesitation, something in his voice seemed to tell me that there were more. More than a simple "Yes". More to be uncovered.
Yet that "Yes" was loud and clear, like a bang on the gong, echoing in my ears that could deafen me.
All of a sudden, I lost my all my energy, I lost all my balance, I slid down along the glass onto the floor.
Deyn immediately grabbed my arms to protect me from getting hurt, and we both ended up on the floor, me sitting flatly on the icy cold ground and Deyn kneeling down, now wrapping his arms around my shoulder, trying to sooth me with his mellow low voice, "Ashley it's ok, everything's ok."
I felt tears rolling down my face. I learnt the cruel truth which I have asked for. As a matter of fact, I knew it, I have guessed it. But when the truth laid naked in front of me, it was sharp like a knife stabbing right into my heart, and it felt like someone was brutal enough twisting it to widen my wound.
Half-conscious, I looked up at Deyn, a face same as the girl who has taken my husband away from me. Deyn didn't look away. Strangely, I didn't feel annoyed by his face, instead, I found comfort in his eyes. His eyes were full of concern. Warmth and light coming from within, caressing my wounded self, as if they were telling me, "Ashley, don't cry, don't cry". My tears seemed uncontrollable. I couldn't help leaning my head on Deyn's shoulder; Deyn wrapped his arms around me, stroking my hair. His embrace felt safe, safe like the embrace of my mother, the insecurity little Ashley took over and I cried violently more than ever.
The touch of Deyn felt familiar despite the fact that I had just known him for an hour or so. Once again, I wondered if Mike was reliving in Deyn with the corneas transplanted.
But no, Mike was never as comforting. From the day I first went out with him, I felt insecure, he left me stranded and confused. I felt like he was running so fast, ahead of me, and I was suffocating, falling behind, trying my very best to speed up in the hope of getting hold of him. I was not good enough for him. Mike was the heartthrob. Mike with the energy winning everyone to warm over him. Mike the smart heir of his father's company. Mike the loving father. And I, the quiet ordinary girl who was almost invisible, a young clueless mother who couldn't take care of herself.
Mike meant everything but security to me.
I heard Deyn's soothing voice, "you'll be okay", bringing me back to reality from the flashback.
And magically, for a moment or two, I believed his words. I would be okay.