I lost the track of time in Deyn's arms. I felt ridiculous to let it all out in his embrace. An hour ago, he was still a stranger to me. Yet in his arms, I felt safe. It was like, I was shattered into pieces and he was trying his best to put them back together.
I dried my eyes and looked up, "I'm sorry"
"Don't be. Maybe I can never understand how you feel, but I know it must hurt so much." Deyn said, gently patting my back.
"Thank you." I couldn't think of another better line. What more could I say to this guy who had come all the way to the hospital but ended up soothing a teary widow for more than an hour?
"This should be my line," Deyn smiled. I could sense his effort in squeezing the smile. He looked so sad that I couldn't figure out why, "I came to say Thank You for the cornea, remember?"
"Right." I tried to smile too, but I could feel that it was a saddest and ugliest smile ever.
"Let's go sit down properly, shall we?" Deyn said and helped me up.
"Oh you two have already met up," the female surgeon walked towards us, "I was waiting at my office some time ago."
"Sorry for keeping you waiting, Dr. Rowley. I met Mrs.Lee on my way and I said my Thank You," Deyn tried to sound cheerful, "and we want to talk a little more."
"That's great,��Dr. Rowley said with an understanding smile, "talking is good for both of you. I've got errands to run, see you then. Take good care of yourselves."
Deyn led me to the canteen, "want something to eat?"
"No thanks." I've lost my appetite. I was fed by the truth.
"Me neither." Deyn said quietly to himself.
We sat down and silence filled up the space. We both looked down.
And then we both looked up, wanting to say something. Deyn gestured me to speak first. I looked down briefly, not sure of whether to ask that question or not. I picked up my courage; after all, I've taken the hardest part.
"Could you...tell me about Rosie and Mike?"
Deyn looked a little stunned by my question. His face clouded up with unease. A sense of curiosity arouse in me, what had happened between Mike and Rosie? Somehow I could tell from Deyn's facial expression that there's more than just an extra-marital affair between Mike and Rosie.
"So...you didn't know about Mike and Rosie until the car clash?" Deyn asked.
"mmm...yea," I decided not to tell Deyn about the cuddle in the car three weeks before the car clash.
Deyn sighed heavily and looked deeply into my eyes. I wanted to look away but I could not. Deyn's eyes were like a magnet, yet they were warm, I felt a deep gentleness in his eyes. My heart throbbed a little and I grasped.
"I didn't know a lot about Rosie and Mike," Deyn said, "she kind of kept the whole thing to herself. All I knew is, she was dating a guy who's married."
"Right..."
"And she knew him through some kind of social gathering."
I looked down on my hands on the table, trying to visualize the scene in which Mike and Rosie met. It felt weird that I had a kind of certainty that, Rosie was more right for Mike than I did. Rosie was pretty, the feminine kind of beauty, like a butterfly, exquisite yet fragile. It suits Mike's masculinity. Athletic Mike and delicate Rosie. The perfect match.
"Ashley," Deyn said in his low voice, waking me up from the dream, "I know I'm in no position to say this, and I know it's in no way an easy thing to do, but it'll be good for you if you can leave the whole thing behind and move on with your life."
Move on. I had heard this two words for numerous times from various kinds of people that I could no longer count.
"How could I move on without knowing why my husband has been unfaithful?" I was agitated.
"I'm sorry Ashley," Deyn had a painful look, he knocked on his forehead with his right hand, "ah I really am stupid at words."
"What I mean is, don't blame the whole thing on yourself." Deyn said gently, and right into my heart. Self-blame has been a dominant emotion ever since Mike's death. Somehow I felt I was not doing the job of a wife properly and Mike had to date Rosie to compensate for my inadequacy. I was a part of the reason why Mike had to be unfaithful. Indeed, a large part.
"Maybe it doesn't sound morally correct, but no one is wholly right or wrong in this whole thing," Deyn continued, "never ever think that you don't deserve anything good and this thing is in no way a punishment of any kind to you, it is not. You are only 25 years old and you have a long road ahead. Don't spend it in misery.��
I looked up with surprise. How did Deyn know that I'm 25? Did my look tell? But I was in a total mess and I looked sick and tired.
"I'll make it up to you." Deyn said in his most tender voice.
I didn't get what he meant by saying that. But I felt a funny kind of comfort from him. And for a long moment, I felt strangely at ease.