Beholder: Chapter 5
Mom came in the afternoon. I couldn't help rushing into her arms when I saw her, just like what I used to do when I was a small kid. Whenever things didn't go my way, I found comfort in my mother's arms; it is the safest place on earth.
I was really clingy to my Mom. She said I cuddled much more than Mel did; I needed Mom's help whenever things didn't go my way while Mel always solved her problems on her own. I was always the insecure baby girl in my mother's eyes, and as a matter of fact, Mom's the pillar that I leaned on, without her, I wouldn't survive through my childhood and adolescence. I was so weak, so timid that I just gave up without trying for almost every difficulty I encountered.
Dad died in the same year when I was born. The image of a father was vague in my mind; I could not remember my Dad's face unless I went over the family photo album. Mom was both the mother and the father to me. I thought to myself, it must be so hard for her to bear up with the pain of losing Dad while taking care of me. Perhaps my insecurity came from that traumatic year my Mom has undergone. And history repeated itself, now my daughter has to face the same crisis I had in my childhood years, but would I be able to go as bravely as my Mom did?
"Be brave, darling." Mom stroked my hair when she held me in her arms.
I nodded. I didn't know what else I could do besides nodding. I didn't want to rely on my Mom anymore. She was not supposed to baby me on. I'm an adult. I'm a Mom. But everything seemed so hard to me and I didn't know if I could survive through this.
"Hey don't keep standing there, the two of you, just come in and sit down." Mel emerged from the living room to the doorway.
"Oh sorry Mom, you must be tired, let me take your bags." I led Mom to the living room.
"It's the same old messy look around here." My Mom said and giggled, trying to lighten up the gloom in the house.
"Yea, housekeeping is never in my element." I joked too, the first joke ever since I saw Mike's dead body.
"So here we come, your two helpers, we'll get this house done." Mel joined in and put her arms around me and my Mom's shoulders.
Suddenly I felt a gleam of hope and warmth inside me; these two women were always by my side all these years. They have done so much for me, staying up late at night just to help me rehearse the drama in junior high, seaming up my prom dress after I've torn it up after knowing the boy whom I fancied has dated another girl, the marathon counseling after I've got pregnant at 19, running the rash wedding with Mike a month after the news of pregnancy, helping me with the housework when Valerie was sick and Mike's out of town.
And they're here. My Mom and my big sister. They were here to help me get through this one big crisis. I was lucky. I was.
Valerie ran out of her bedroom with a Barbie doll in her hands, her brown curls shook so hard when she jumped over the cushions on the floor and ran right into my Mom's arms.
"Look at you, my little angel." Mom kneeled down and held Valerie in her arms.
"Look, Granny, this is my new friend, her name is Rebecca." Valerie showed Mom her Barbie doll, Mike bought it after his business trip in August, to compensate for the lost two weeks' family time with Val.
Mom sat down in the sofa, Valerie squeezed between me and Mom, playing with her Rebecca.
"I heard that Mike's with a girl when the accident happened." Mom said to me softly, watching Valerie being preoccupied with her Barbie.
"Yea," I tried to sound like I didn't care, like I've forgotten the whole thing until she's brought it up again, "that girl I saw three weeks ago. She's in a coma right now."
Mom held my right hand and squeezed it. And at the moment she squeezed it, I broke down, I retreated from my pretence and became the insecure baby girl again.
"I know this is futile. But I want to find out what really happened between Mike and the girl." I looked up and blurted the desire to know the truth out. The desire that I have been suppressing since the day I first saw the girl's face, "I should have done this earlier. I mean, if I had asked Mike a little earlier, the accident could be avoided."
"Why? Why would you think that the car clash could be avoided if you've confronted Mike a little earlier?" Mom asked, still in her caring soft voice, "Why go about regretting things that you can not change?"
"Perhaps I've been wrong about Mike the whole time. Perhaps there wasn't even an affair." I said, trying to lower my shaking voice not to scare Valerie.
Mom seemed to be reading my thoughts, "Val, why don't you go and help Auntie Mel out? Make a cup of tea for me."
"Ok" Valerie said and jumped off the sofa, leaving her Rebecca on the sofa.
"Ashley, just move on." Mom moved a little closer to me and put her hand on my shoulder, "what can you do now? How can you know the truth with Mike dead and the girl in coma? Leave it and move on."
I pondered into Mom's words, perhaps she's right. I should move on, I should focus all my attention on Valerie from now on, try my best to make Val's life complete. But those sleepless nights, those endless sleepless nights with me wide-awake wondering if Mike was being unfaithful to me were unbearable.
I could not bear up with the thoughts that my first boyfriend, the man who's got me pregnant, the man whom I've married to, was in love with someone else.