A Christian Review of the Secular Books "He's Just Not That Into You" and "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken"

A month or two ago, I read both secular dating advice books He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.

He's Just Not That Into You topped the New York Times best-seller list at one point, and one of its authors, Behrendt, was featured on the Oprah Winfrey talk show to discuss the book.

This Behrendt guy was also one of the writers or consultants for the cable t.v. show Sex in the City which later went off the air (or was the show called Sex AND the City? I don't know - and who cares). It was a show I never watched.

Side note: the title alone of that show, Sex and the City, was enough to turn me off. While I am not a total prude and do not disapprove of all secular programming, I think we're already exposed enough to t.v. shows and movies which portray skanky, trashy sexual values and shows which depict fornication as though it's perfectly natural and okay.

I am a Christian woman, almost in my mid-30s, who broke up with my finacé several months ago.

I began skimming through a copy of It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken at the local discount store, and I liked most of what I read. I related to parts of the book, and other parts of it cheered me up, so I bought a copy.

This does not mean, however, that I agree with everything in the book or that I approve of everything it discusses.

Anyway, I liked this book enough to give the other one - He's Just Not That Into You - a chance.

I read a Christian review of one of these books, a review of He's Just Not That Into You, by R. Albert Mohler, Jr. ("He's Just Not That Into You" - Postmodern Secular Romance), and while I agree with Mohler on some criticisms, I think he's a little too quick to dismiss the book altogether.

First, I'll address some of the problems I personally had with the books.

LANGUAGE

I myself sometimes slip and use a "bad" word. Nobody is perfect. However, both books use vulgar language quite a bit.

This may be a minor quibble, but still, if you're a Christian, you should be put off by such language and most likely will be, at least if it's used casually and often, as it is with both books.

One of the books flat-out prints the "F" word with absolutely no censorship at all.

Most books, even secular ones, produced for mainstream consumption at least attempt to spell the "F" word out with dashes or asteriks, (such as "F**k"), but not one of these books (I think it was He's Just Not That Into You).

The other one (It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken) at least attempted to censor the obscene language a little, by inserting dashes and asteriks in the dirty words, such as "F--k."

BOTH BOOKS ASSUME FORNICATION IS OKAY AND THAT EVERYONE DOES IT

The second and most obvious problem a Christian reader will have with either book is the unspoken assumption that fornication (sex outside of marriage) is morally acceptable.

Both books assume that you will be - or have engaged in - sex outside of marriage, and further, that this is totally normal, moral behavior.

If you're a Christian who is waiting until marriage to have sex, all the hand wringing and advice over sex in each book will be a turn off, and it will probably seem strange - not to mention a total waste of time.

If you realize that the proper place for sex is within the confines of marriage, you won't get yourself all worked up about sex, and you don't need to read a lot of advice about it.

Our Non Christian counterparts in the world of relationships (and sad to say, even some "worldly" Christians) are very obsessed with sex, that's for sure.

In these books, sex is considered a litmus test, or to be used as a barometer to test men, or to test their interest in a woman.

The authors at one point advise you (remember, these books are directed towards women) that if a man does not want to have sex with you, or shows little interest in having sex with you, that this is one sign that he is most likely "not that into you."

That may very well be true of a typical Non Christian, I don't know, but it should not and will not be true of a genuine Christian, whether male or female.

As Mohler notes in his review of the book, such thinking cannot be applied to a Christian.

If you're a Christian, you should be waiting until marriage to have sex. A normal, committed Christian man will not be seeking to have sex with his girlfriend - and a Christian woman would not expect him to.

I know I would be offended and insulted if a man I was in a non-marital relationship with pressured me for sex.

I had to keep from barfing after, or while, reading some portions of these books.

For example, I believe it's Amirra Ruotola-Behrendt who tells us in It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken that after she began healing after her divorce or separation that she had a one-night stand with some guy she had just met, and she thought this was a wonderful experience.

The authors of the book advise their readers to stay away from "rebound sex," but Ruotola-Behrendt was relating to her readers that "rebound sex" for her in this particular instance was perfectly okay, since she was in a mentally healthy place at the time.

Ruotola-Behrendt mentioned that most people who engage in "rebound sex" are doing so for the "wrong reasons," and she tells her readers not to have "rebound sex" for the "wrong reasons."

As a Christian, my view is - and yours should be - there is never a "right reason" to have "rebound sex" at any point, whether or not you're "mentally healthy" or if it will boost your sagging ego.

Sex should take place within marriage and at no other point or time. Anything else goes against God's will, designs, and wishes.

Through out each book, letters or e-mails with relationship advice questions from women who have written Mr. Behrendt are reprinted and are replied to by Mr. Behrendt. Some of these correspondences may also cause you to want to vomit, as they did me.

Some of the ladies who wrote in explained that they had one night stands with some man or another and wanted Mr. Behrendt to explain to them why the guy never contacted them again or whatever.

Some of these stories were sadder and trashier than others, such as the letter from a young lady who had been having sleazy sex standing up in a local bathroom stall. She would meet some man she knew and have sex with him in this bathroom stall a day or two each week for a few months.

She was assuming that the guy who was having sex with her considered her his girlfriend, and when she told him this, he told her she was mistaken - she was just a "good time" for him and nothing more.

It's very hard having to read through accounts such as that - they're heartbreaking and sick - and it makes me glad that I am a devout Christian who isn't out sleeping around. It's so easy to be taken advantage of.

THE GOOD POINTS

There are some good points in each book which Christian women may find helpful, which is one reason why I wouldn't be quick to completely dismiss either book.

Despite the incorrect and overly permissive attitudes toward sex in both books, each does contain useful insights and tips about male behavior.

While Christian males should adhere to and live by higher ideals and virtues than their Non Christian counterparts, they unfortunately do still behave in simliar ways when it comes to how they enteract with females.

Let's take a look at the phone call phenomenon. Many men will tell a lady, "I'll call you," but then they never call (or they'll call days after they said they would).

One point that Greg Behrendt really drives home in both books is that men who do this are "just not that into you."

Behrendt makes it perfectly clear that if a man is really, truly interested in you, he will call you. There is no need for you, the woman, to sit staring at the phone for hours, hoping and waiting for the guy to call.

Nor need you, or should you, pick up the phone and call the man.

Behrendt explains that when it comes to women / dating / relationships that many men are cowards.

Many men are too afraid to be honest and direct with a woman and let the woman know they just do not feel any chemistry or are not interested in seeking a romantic relationship (or in continuing in one), which is why so many will tell a woman, "I'll call you," but then never call.

It's an easy way out, a way of letting you down gently.

Behrendt advises you that you should not put your life on hold waiting for a man to ask you out a second time or to phone you.

Don't wait for the guy to propose marriage - if the guy is serious about you and wants to marry you, he'll propose. If the man keeps putting it off or dodging it, he's not into you, and you probably need to breakup with that man and move on.

Mr. Behrendt virtually guarantees you that if a man wants you, if the man is SERIOUS about you, he WILL go after you and do so aggressively, whether it's for a date or marriage.

Behrdent tells women to stop fooling themselves, rationalizing, and making excuses for men.

So many females will sit about saying or thinking,

"Well, maybe the reason this guy hasn't called me / asked me out again is because he's too scared / too intimidated / too shy / he's getting over a bad past relationship / he has other, painful issues going on in his life / he's too busy..."

Behrendt tells women to stop making such excuses for men.

He is very clear that if a man is truly intrerested in you, nothing but nothing (whether busy career, past painful relationship - whatever) will stop him from asking you out or from calling you.

Behrendt lets you know if a man is in fact recovering from a painful breakup and needs to "take it slow" that the man who is really interested in you WILL TELL YOU he needs to take things slow.

One of the biggest messages I got from reading both books is that if a man really, truly cares about you, if he's really, truly interested in you, he will, if he had to, walk on his hands and knees over broken shards of glass in the pits of Hell if it means "winning you" and keeping you.

And I don't see anything unbiblical about that insight. In addition, I think it holds true for Christian men as well as Non Christian ones.

A CHRISTIAN LADY WHO COULD'VE USED THESE BOOKS

I was reading an essay by a Christian woman at a Christian site who could have benefitted from these books.

I was reading her essay, where she was discussing how she met a nice Christian man at a tennis court. She and the guy "hit it off," and they began calling each other.

They eventually had a nice, innocent date where they spent time in his den watching t.v. and talking. They got along great.

Then a couple of weeks go by, and this lady did not hear a thing from this guy.

Now, after having read He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, I immediately knew the problem: the reason this lady had not received a phone call from this gentleman in two weeks is because he just wasn't into her.

I didn't have to read any further to figure this out, but I kept reading.

As I read on, the lady said she phoned the guy to find out why she hadn't heard from him in two weeks. She said things turned very awkward, and he blurted out he "just wanted to be friends with her" and nothing more.

So you see, while a Christian has plenty of reason to frown at some aspects of He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, both still contain some valuable information.

I say read each book, and filter out the obviously unbiblical advice, and you may glean something from the books.