December 2005
I am not a pastor, counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist - which you should already know if you've read the home page.
I am simply an everyday Christian lay person - a female - offering you my thoughts. I could even be wrong about some of my views; I don't know.
As I write this, I am almost in my mid-thirties, I am single, and I've never been married. I have been a Christian since childhood and was raised in the Baptist denomination.
I should mention that I have not attended church for years.
When I was a little girl, my parents brought me to church every Sunday for years, until I was about 11 years old.
I did attend the odd church service here and there during my 20s. I went to one small church for one service a single time when I was about 23 years old, for instance.
Now that I'm almost in my mid-30s, I will begin attending church regularly, probably starting in the next few months.
I have always been painfully shy, including when I'm around the opposite sex. I'm not as shy now as I was in my twenties, but I still struggle with it somewhat.
Regardless of the shyness, I never really wanted, or believed in, casual dating. I've never been 'out and out' opposed to dating, but I've never felt that it was for me.
While I was not opposed to having a boyfriend per se, I was not comfortable with the idea of having one just for the sake of having one.
I have a very difficult time opening up and trusting people to begin with, so I wasn't as quick to jump into boyfriend / girlfriend situations, or dating "just for fun."
I guess I've always viewed dating as a means of searching for a spouse, of finding True Love and Mr. Right. I've never understood people who take dating so lightly.
I've had only one boyfriend in my entire life - let's just say his name is "Doug." I met "Doug" when I was about 27 or 28 years old through a mutual Christian friend of ours, ("Tim"), on the internet.
Because I will discuss my relationship with "Doug" more elsewhere on this site, I won't say much else about it here.
Suffice it to say, this gentlemen - "Doug" - and I dated for a few years before he "popped the question," I accepted, but we broke up in May of 2005. So "Doug" and I were engaged for a few years before we broke up.
"Doug" was not the right man for me, and I was not the right woman for him.
For those of you who are single and are hurting for a special someone to come into your life, let me tell you based upon personal experience, that being with the WRONG person is worse than (or sometimes equally bad as) the loneliness of being single. Really, I kid you not.
I know you will sometimes find other people telling you that on other sites or in relationship advice books, and if you've never even had a single boyfriend, or have never even been in even one serious relationship, it sounds like a hollow platitude meant to just cheer you up - but trust me, it is very true.
It is oh-so-painfully true:
It is better to be single than be with the wrong person. If you are with the wrong person and you break up, you will feel a sense of freedom and relief afterwards. You'll feel great knowing you no longer have to put up with that person's nonsense and his annoying habits, ever again.
Don't get me wrong - along with the sense of relief, you'll also feel sad and wonder if you made the right choice right after a break-up.
At times, even now, I sometimes have positive thoughts about "Doug" and still sometimes miss him.
The overall feeling you will have, however, is relief when you've ended a bad relationship.
When I broke up with "Doug," it was painful, and it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made (and of course, I prayed and asked for God's leading on the matter), but ultimately, I think God was telling me that "Doug" was not the One He had in mind for me.
I was absolutely miserable with "Doug." We were together for a total of about seven years. We were engaged for about the last 3 or 4 years of that time frame.
I felt a sense of utter relief when I broke up with "Doug."
I'm not saying the entire relationship wit "Doug" was bad. The first two or three years were very nice, and I have some fond memories.
All "Doug" and I did towards the last few months of the relationship was fight all the time (it also became a long distance relationship over the last few months, since he had moved out of state at one point, so we could contact each other only by phone).
Even before then I was miserable with "Doug". Over the last two or three years of the relationship, I wasn't happy; it wasn't just the last few months of fighting that caused me misery.
It was the first relationship I had ever been in, and as such, I had no idea what I was doing. Looking back, I should have broken up with "Doug" after about two or three years into the relationship.
For the first few months after I broke up with "Doug" I felt so relieved that it didn't bother me being single. It's only been in the last two or three months that being single began bothering me.
I have something called Social Anxiety Disorder, which makes it quite difficult to open up to people, go on dates, accept dates, attend social functions, go on job interviews, and so forth.
When I was a teenager, I went through various awkward phases. At some points, I was a bit overweight, I had acne, and due to being near sighted, I had to wear thick glasses.
I later lost the weight, the acne cleared up, and I got contact lenses. By my late twenties, I had lasik eye surgery, so I no longer need contacts or glasses.
In my early twenties, when I attended community college, young men flirted with me.
I had such low self esteem that I did not usually even realize that they were flirting with me. This came about because back in junior high and much of high school, the boys made fun of me, mostly because they thought I was ugly.
The damage that these insensitive guys caused back in my junior high and much of my high school years was so great that it has, to this day, impacted how I interact with the opposite gender.
I have a hard time accepting that guys find me attractive and want to date me.
By my late teens and on to the present, I've had men tell me that I look like movie actress Geena Davis, some of them have referred to me as a "brunette Marilyn Monroe," and some have said, simply, that I look like a "movie star."
So apparently, some members of the opposite sex do find me physically attractive.
My older sister (let's call her "Jane"), who lives out of state, used to be married.
At one point, "Jane" began displaying an 8" by 10" photo of me in her apartment. She began doing this when I was about 20 years old, and the photo in question had been taken when I was about 18 years old.
Some of her single male friends saw the photo of me at my sister's apartment, and she said they referred to me as a "beautiful babe" (their exact words) and wanted to know if they could meet me, if she could set up a blind date with me.
Eventually, my sister "Jane" had set me up with one of these gentlemen (let's call him "Joe"), and that date, which took place when I was 20 years old (and when I came to visit her in the city she lived in), was a disaster.
I told my sister "Jane" in advance I did not want to meet "Joe" because I knew that unless he was a very nice person that my shyness would cause me to totally shut down around him and things would go horribly wrong.
I knew I would not be able to say much of anything to "Joe," nor would I be able to make eye contact with him.
I also reminded my sister "Jane" that I had never been on a date before and that the whole idea of going on a date with a man I had never met before was stressful for me.
I asked her if she could at least get "Joe" to phone me first before we met in person, but she (for whatever reason) refused to do this.
My sister would not take "no" for an anwer, she forced me to go out with this guy, and yes, it was awful.
I could tell from "Joe's" behavior that he was not a Christian.
At one point on this double date ("Jane" my sister and her then-husband accompanied "Joe" and myself on this date), "Joe" even made a negative comment about Christians.
They took me to bars all night.
I don't believe that going to a bar is in and of itself is a sin, but I have always believed that bars, discos, and dance clubs are somewhat smarmy, trashy, and sleazy, (and you certainly should NOT look for dates at a bar).
I personally do not feel comfortable, as a Christian, going to a bar.
If you factor in my Social Anxiety Disorder, even if I was not a Christian, I would STILL "freeze up" in a bar, since it's quite obviously a blatant social setting. (I would feel more comfortable on a date going to dinner at a restaurant or to the movies.)
At any rate, "Joe" was also condescending, rude, and arrogant (which was a shame; he was a good looking guy and college educated).
Regardless, I was relieved when the evening finally came to an end.
This "Joe" person was 27 at the time, and I was only 20, so I felt at that time, he was too old for me. There is a big life experience difference between ages 20 and 27.
When you're 20 years old, you don't know who you are. By the time you're 27, you have a better idea of who you are, you're more self-assured and probably have some clue as to where you're going in life.
I wouldn't have a problem with a 30/37 age difference, though, or a 40/47.
I don't know what my sister (who is eight years older than I am) was thinking setting a 20 year old, inexperienced me up with a 27 year old man who had already been in a few relationships.
My sister told me "Joe's" previous girlfriend was a recovering drug and alcohol addict.
A quick word about my sister "Jane."
I love her, and she claims to be a Christian, and maybe she is, but "Jane" is what one might call a "worldly Christian."
"Jane" does not, nor has she ever, lived what one could call a "Christian" life style. This goes back to her teen years. She experimented with drugs, slept around with numerous guys, skipped school, etc. etc..
For the past 13 years, "Jane" has been living with - and not married to - and having sex with - a Non-Christian boyfriend of hers; let's call him "Steve."
What I'm about to say next may sound arrogant to some people, particularly a Non-Christian who may be reading this, but I'm just telling it the way it is.
My sister typically associates with "scum balls," people who lack decent morals. Some of her buddies are drug addicts, for example.
The Bible says we're supposed to evangelize the "scum balls," not become their best friends, because once you become "friends" with these kinds of people, you start living a worldly lifestyle, which is precisely what my sister has done her whole life.
As for me, I'm in the middle on the lifestyle issue; what I mean is this:
I live a Christian lifestyle. I do not go to bars (unless being dragged to them by my sister!), nor do I "sleep around" (sex outside of marriage is wrong), and I've never abused drugs or alcohol.
I live a pretty simple, uneventual life. I'm probably what most would consider a "good Christian."
On the other hand, unlike the "weak" believers described in Romans Chapter 14 in the Bible (who remarkably sound like legalistic Pharisees!), I do not regard any and all secular forms of entertainment and such as being evil or sinful.
I don't have a problem with Christians who listen to secular rock music, for example. If it doesn't violate your conscience to listen to secular music, then I say, go for it (and that is a biblical teaching).
My sister "Jane," by the way, made me meet Joe for the second time about a year later when I visited her again. She once again dragged me to a bar, and he was there.
As I mentioned above, while I don't believe that going to a bar (or dance club) is in and of itself a sin, I do not think a true follower of Jesus would make a practice out of going to bars, dance clubs, and so forth, because they are depraved environments - to one degree or another.
Such environments are focused on worldy pleasures, pursuits, and interests, and are steeped in worldly values.
Non-Christian singles at these kinds of places, for example, largely regard bars as "meat markets" where they can "hook up" (meet other singles to get one night stands).
Some Non-Christians who attend bars are drug and alcohol addicts, and they use vulgar language often and quite casually.
When I went out to various bars on different occasions with my sister, we were approached by strange men, including drunks.
I also saw drunks (some of whom appeared to be homeless) passed out on sidewalks right outside these bars.
Bars (and night clubs) are simply not a Christ-honoring environment. Why or how any self-professing Christian would routinely visit them is beyond me.
If you tell me you're a Christian but feel perfectly at ease in a bar, you may want to re-examine your faith, or ask yourself if you're even really "saved."
Jesus said if you loved Him, you'd obey His commandments, and the book of James in the New Testament said that a Christian will actually LIVE OUT a Christian lifestyle, not just talk about Jesus.
The second time I met "Joe," he walked by and hit me in my stomach. I did nothing to provoke it.
Near as I can figure, "Joe" was bent out of shape that I had not approached him to flirt with him. I think he was deeply disappointed that nothing happened between us.
My theories aside, to this day, I have no idea what that was about, but there is no way I would enter (or stay in) a relationsip with a man who is physically abusive to me.
The way to win a girl over, guys, is NOT to hit her in her stomach, I can assure you. Scratch that technique off your list.
Anyway, after that terrible experience - being dragged to bars all night by "Joe" and my sister "Jane" - I started going to college a couple of months later.
Most young people begin attending college at age 18, but I did not start attending until I was age 20 or so.
When I began attending college, guys flirted with me quite a bit. A few tried to date me.
I was so oblivious to it - remember, I had such low self esteem that it did not even occur to me that a male would want to flirt with me or date me - that I usually did not even recognize flirting as flirting. I didn't know what to make of guys who were nice to me, paid me nice compliments, etc.
After I left that first college, which was a community college, I went to two different, other colleges, and graduated from one of them several years ago.
I did not get any dates during those years, or after I graduated, although I do remember a model from one of my life drawing classes asking me out on a date. He invited me to some social function, but I turned him down.
A couple of years or so after I graduated, I got a full time job.
I did not meet anyone at my job, but I was not expecting to, nor did I fully want to, as I had often heard that it's not a good idea for one to date co-workers.
I was alone - and very lonely - all during my twenties, until an internet Christian friend, "Tim" fixed me up with "Doug."
Now, I'm almost in my mid-30s. I broke up with "Doug" earlier this year (2005).
When I first broke up with "Doug," for the first few months, as I mentioned above, it was a relief. For the past few months, though, being single has really bothered me.
Like many women in my age group, I am concerned that marriage has not yet happened.
Oddly, I've seen women who are still only in their mid-twenties who are "flipping out" over not being married yet! - And here I am, almost in my mid-30s, and I have never been married.
I am not comfortable with the march of time. I hope to be married before I hit age 40. (And yes, I'm aware of some Christians who are in their 40s who have never been married.)
Like you, I am waiting on and trusting God, to send me the "right person."