| 8 may 2001 the big joy of today is the fact that i walked to the company soda machine, and guess what... they have dr. pepper! one of the little trivial things in my life that makes a big difference. i fucking love dr. pepper. and it's regular, none of that diet shit that they've been stocking since i joined. ----- but i'm disturbed. troubled. alien nation. the big sadness today is that i've managed to alienate somebody with my journal. i knew that karine stopped by because i sent her the first e-mail in a while, since we broke up last year. i saw that i was getting a lot of hits from a microsoft hotmail account, and i figured it must have been her. you see, i attach a link to my journal in my signature at the end of every blitz i write. so what made her upset? i don't know. but i can guess. maybe it's because of what i said... stuff about kristie, who i was seeing before i was with karine. kristie was a really touchy subject because it seemed on occasion that i wasn't over her. maybe it was about karen. the fact that i say that karen is my favorite girl may have made it seem like i was interested in her even while i was going out with karine. or maybe it's what i didn't say... the fact that i was with karine for four years, and haven't laid even a finger on it in this so-called "deep thought and reflection" work that i call my online journal. i don't know. but it doesn't feel good. in an older entry, i mentioned the destructive powers of putting my journal online, and my concern about making people uncomfortable or unhappy with what i write. this is the first time i have had to deal with that issue. what i'll say is this. the reason why i don't talk about karine is because i don't feel like i have enough distance from the relationship to reflect on it objectively. yeah, it's been over a year since we broke up, but i still find it easier to talk about kristie (something so old and long gone) and karen (something that is purely conjecture and thus open to a lot of speculation), rather than a 4-year relationship with karine that occupied the forefront of my life in my recent memory. january 8, 1996 - january 20, 2000 was it a good relationship? i would have to say so. the first year and a half, particularly, was especially blissful, with us both being in school and parading around campus as one of the raddest couples for all to see. one of the coolest things was that i was left-handed, and she was right-handed, so we could hold hands and smoke at the same time. it may seem stupid, but the gist is that smoking figured greatly in how we first met... so it had some significance to me. there are a lot of other good things that stick in my mind, but i think that the conflict in the latter years were fueled by the dissonance of our personalities. well, first of all, we both made some big mistakes in the relationship, and it became increasingly apparent that our social tendencies were diverging rapidly. especially when we were both out of school, and weekends were a glaring sign that what we each liked to do in our free time was very different, and eventually irreconcilable. and my tourette's was a big problem. it paralyzed me. i know i used it as excuse way too much, so i won't say it was the only reason why i was so antisocial. i also know that i am really lazy, and sometimes i just have a deep-rooted aversion to meeting people... laziness. shyness. insecurity. stuff like that. but i guess deep down, i'm just built to be a couch potato. the fourth and final breakup last january involved some things said in the heat of the moment that just made me shut down, click off, and decide to throw everything in the dumpster. i didn't want to be friends, maintain any contact... i wanted a complete and utter separation, which i bastardly enforced whenever karine tried to resume some communication with me. i'll admit... i was a pretty big dick about it. i've been labelled a rash extremist before, so it didn't surprise me that i reacted this way. but... as time goes by, things soften up, and the past becomes a little bit rose-tinted. just a little bit. i don't harbor the same ill will (or rather, complete indifference) that i did a year ago. but on the other hand, i don't have see a compelling reason to step out of my character and make like chums again, either. i just wish to be an adult about it. so without knowing exactly what i said that caused the response that i got, i can't defend myself fully. but i'm really not here to defend or explain myself. i knew before starting this whole thing that putting my journal in the public eye would cause some problems. and i even had this suspicion that karine would read my journal once i sent her the e-mail a few days ago. but i'm not going to censor myself. i will try to be responsible about what i say, and i will not slander anybody. but this stuff will be personal. even painful. for me. and for others, too. anybody who reads this and knows me in real-life should take this into account before delving any further. perhaps i should have the same kind of warning sign that clare has on her journal. privacy. in a public place. i wonder if there is any way to reconcile this. i don't think so. but i'll try. |