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| 21 jun 2001 that's me and karine.� 1996, as it says on the bottom right corner.� i guess that would put us in our first or second year together. no, this isn't going to be a super-reflective piece on us as a couple.� but i do like that picture; i might even venture to say that it's my favorite picture of us together.� AND, i actually look normal in that shot.� i've found that i'm not usually very photogenic.� for the most part, i look all distorted and stuff in pictures. so karine stopped by at lenox yesterday to pick up her industrial microwave.� when she got out of the car, i noticed that she looked different.� something about her eyes.� more mascara and eyeliner?� hm. the first thing she asked me was if i noticed anything was different about her.� hm.� no clue. but she did look a little different.� then, she proceeded to tell me that she got her eyes done.� as in... that double-fold surgery thing that apparently a ton of asians do. i was pretty shocked.� and i felt a little pang of sadness.� because i really don't believe in most cases of cosmetic surgery.� i mean, karine looks fine... why the hell does she need to subject herself to that??� ok.� i'm not going to rant about this, because i've already done so to rahul (who told me to "chill out") and my guy friends (who said the same thing). i dunno.� i just have a really strong emotional reaction to people (especially karine) altering their looks through surgery.� it makes me sad.� i guess the whole boils down to my opinion that people do it for two basic reasons: vanity and insecurity.� both of which are horrible things. that's that.� i'm not going to talk about this any more.� but if anyone wants to give me a supprtive argument for cosmetic surgery from a feminine perspective, i'm all ears. ----- karine and i didn't have much to say.� despite the fact that she's been such a familiar face to me for four years, there was just a lot of distance.� the most familiar thing she did was selectively pick out her favorite flavors from a jar of jelly bellies.� that brought back the most memories. oh, and we had our usual smoke together.� i used some of my last remaining black and gold cigarettes for the occasion.� but there were some really blatant (but not really awkward) silences during our cigarette break.� after one particularly long break, karine asked me if i was still writing in my journal.� i let out a laugh, and said yes.� i felt a tug from her question that she wanted me to ask her what she thought about it, or more specifically, why she felt so alienated by what i have written. but... yo.� i'm not going out with her any more.� i don't have to deal with working through our problems and our misunderstandings and our differences.� i put in a good four years into trying to make us work, getting us to fight more constructively... i simply am tired of it, and i chose not to take her bait. so i let it slide, and she simply stated that she stopped reading.� and that was the end of it. so do i want to know what made karine upset when she read my journal?� sure i do.� but i am just not willing to put forth the energy in finding out.� no.� i take that back.� i am fine about asking her what was wrong.� but i am just not interested in trying to explain myself in defense.� i HATE explaining myself.� i did it way too much when we were together. nah, i'm not bitter.� just tired.� and apathetic. ----- speaking of tired, i'm HELLA exhausted.� so tuesday, i played basketball for almost three hours; once at my old company during lunch, and once during dinner at vivace.� last night, dishi, barden, and i got together and practiced taiko for over two hours.� and today, i just got back from playing basketball again under the blazing sun. plus, to top it all off... i didn't get any good sleep last night. this is going to gross some of you out (skip to the next paragraph NOW if you don't want to know), but... basically, i took a dump last night before i went to sleep, and it just really burned and hurt.� so basically my asshole was on fire all night, and i couldn't sleep.� that's that.� i can just see some of you making ugly faces and cringing, and vowing never to come back to my journal again.� ha ha. so basically, i'm FUCKING tired now.� i'm definitely not going to play basketball this afternoon with my coworkers... i need to give my body a rest. ----- after taiko practice last night, the three of us stopped by kara's place and hung out for a bit.� i swung by the crack (jack in the box) for some chili cheese curly fries and a sourdough jack.� oh, and dr. pepper.� but anyways, i scarfed the food down, and i felt utterly DISGUSTING afterwards.� those fries, man... why am i such a food masochist? so basically, when we were leaving, i leaned over next to a potted plant, and just puked.� BUT... i only yacked a mouthful.� barden mentioned today how he found it amazing that i had control over how much i threw up.� i dunno.� usually, when i feel nauseated, a small puke does the trick... i don't really want to get rid of the WHOLE meal, you know... because it's like a waste of money and stuff.� i _want_ to keep the food, but sometimes it's just too much nasty stuff. oh, speaking of nasty stuff... another reason why i feel like shit right now besides exhaustion... i just ate some stuff from taco bell (aka the smell).� yuck. so today's all blah.� i feel like i can sleep for 24 hours straight.� it's fucking HOT out there.� if summer keeps up like this, then i think i'm going to have to take a break from basketball for a while.� it's just too draining. ----- i'm worried about my trip to japan... and what it will do to my readership.� you guys will stick around, won't you?� *ponder*� i'll be gone for just over two weeks in august. all right, my little pups.� time to finish the rest of my dr. pepper and load up on some more caffene before i meet with my boss. |