| 20 jun 2001 ok.� i'm gonna put this one out before lunchtime. i'm kind of nervous.� i'm meeting up with karine (one of the ex's) at 3:30 today at lenox to hand over the microwave that she's stored there for almost two years.� basically at the end of summer 1999, both of us moved... she moved to sunset in the city, and i moved to lenox.� she had this huge INDUSTRIAL microwave, and she didn't need it, so it got stuffed with the rest of my boxes in the stairwell storage place at lenox. what am i scared about?� i dunno.� i just know that she didn't really appreciate something (or some things) in my journal, and she said she was alienated and stuff, "sorry [she] ever read it."� i don't like pissing people off.� ugh.� i just don't want an ugly incident.� i really don't feel like i need to fight with karine any more.� sure, when we were going out, i had the obligation to expend the effort and fight my way through our disagreements, but now... i can't justify putting all that energy into it.� it's not worth it. i do think that i should try to be friends with her.� i'm really beyond the stage of being a dick to my ex's.� that is just so juvenile, and shit, i'm 25, and i should be bigger than that.� so we'll see.� if anything, i want a mature friendship with karine simply because it's the civil thing to do. i'll let you guys know how it goes. last night, i got out of work at 8pm.� not because i was working hard, (sadly), but because i was playing basketball for the second time during the day.� so when i got back home, all the parking spaces were taken.� (shit, our housewarming party is gonna be HELL when it comes to finding parking.)� but, i suddenly got the inspiration that if i went to tower records and came back, one spot would magically free up.� and it did!� ah, it was MEANT to be. i basically wanted two cd's.� one was train's _drops of jupiter_, which i did find.� on sale, no less!� and the other one was the singles collection by saint etienne.� alas... i think that's hard to find or something, but i do remember seeing it at tower once.� so my buying whim went unfulfilled.� that train song is good, though.� people never fail to remind me that it was on _dawson's creek_. after i got home, i called up kara.� she's a taiko alum friend; she first joined as a freshman when i was a co-term (5th year).� kara is house sitting for taiko faculty advisors linda and steve, and i went over to chat.� poor kara.� she accidentally put her hand on a hot stove, and burned it really bad.� it's sad to see someone in pain and not be able to do anything about it.� i did drive her to the menlo park safeway to get some lotion, gauze, and tape. but kara and i were talking about _dawson's creek_ while "drops of jupiter" was playing, and we had a debate about whether pacey and joey were a better couple than dawson and joey.� i dunno.� i just really liked the sexual tension (you know how i'm a CHAMPION of sexual tension) between the former couple at the end of last year's season. we had a brief but interesting discussion about "settling" for someone vs. the fairy tale soulmate situation.� of course, anyone in their right mind would take the latter, but i really think soulmate is a reflective label.� meaning that you can't tell if someone is your soulmate... it's only an interpretation and conclusion that you make afterwards.� any couple probably goes through a honeymoon phase where things seem perfect, but it's only after time goes by that you can really tell how good you are together. i don't think whether the person is a soulmate is THE important thing.� i'd much rather focus on making the relationship work. wow.� i've gotten really pragmatic, haven't i?� hm.� i'm only going to bring up kristie again because it serves to make a point... i really thought that we were soulmates at the time.� we were both similar shades of personality, and going out with her was one of those "cosmic" things that smacked of fairy tales.� but in the end, it just blew up in my face.� champions of soulmates would argue that if we really were meant to be, then we'd somehow end up together in the future. one thing i'll say is that i do think she was a person perfectly matched for me.� and if there's only ONE of those, then i'm FUCKED, aren't i?� so i guess that my psyche isn't going to allow for that kind of dead-end belief system, so i simply changed my beliefs to accomodate for multiple chances at perfections.� (i hate the word "perfect."� it's just too much pressure.) but, i will admit that i did tell kristie to her face that she was "The One."� i think that shocked the shit out her.� :) so things got more pragmatic afterwards.� but that's not to say that my relationships sucked then.� i think that karine and i were a more practical couple.� i really put a lot of effort into making it function properly, forcing her to fight with me and get the issues out in the open.� there was one time, when she was about to storm off, and as she opened the door, i ran over and slammed the door before she got out, and forced her to talk. i never went as far as to call karine "the one."� but that doesn't mean that i didn't love her with all my heart, and unlike my time with kristie, i actually spent a lot of time thinking about how i would make a marriage work with karine.� now kara would call that lack of magical energy "settling."� but is that really bad?� does that lessen my chance for a blissful relationship?� i don't think so. i think that soulmates and all that baggage are for the innocent and the idealist.� but things aren't so simple as to say, "oh, if you guys are soulmates, then you'll end up together; it's FATED."� no way.� not that simple.� it takes maturity and experience to make a relationship work, and i think those qualities are far more important. but do i still have pieces of idealism in me?� sure i do.� look at karen.� i think that she has soulmate qualities, but i'm not just sitting back and letting silly fate lead me towards her.� because that just wouldn't get me anywhere.� i'm working on it.� and i have a lot of hope. my eyes are still open, though.� because i know that i am a very accomodating person, and i can fit with a lot of people.� whether it's the best fit or simply a good one... that doesn't seem to matter to me that much.� i'm interested in the long haul. i'm pretty sure that if i hadn't gone out with kristie, i'd still be searching for that soulmate.� and that perfect moment.� but i've had it already, and as much as it helped me grow and appreciate what love can be like, i'm ready to tackle a fully-functioning reality. romantic.� cynic.� i've always had a hard time reconciling these two parts of me. yo.� one of my entries reached over 100 hits.� it's only fitting that it's the one about kristie and karen, my first "notable" set of thoughts, and still my favorite journal entry so far. sweet.� just bitchin'. |