| 13 mar 2001 last night i had a hard time sleeping.� one, it was way too hot.� some of the people in my house really like to be warm.� i like it cold, so i can snuggle in my blankets and cool pillows.� two, one of the roommates was cooking some shit, and didn't bother to open up any of the windows.� so this rank, foul odor of something like mushrooms and rosemary flooded the entire house, including my room.� it was pungent shit, man. the odor died down after a while, but the heat was another story.� while tossing and turning incessantly, i started thinking about two things: 1) kristie was the love of my life 2) karen is my favorite girl on this planet strange, how those two things seem very similar, yet are completely separate.� and sad, how neither of those incredible, superlative, conclusive statements don't mean squat in my life right now. kristie is long gone.� after a beautiful, intense, and dysfunctional relationship around eight years ago, we self-destructed in the worst possible way.� parental threats, expulsion threats, mental breakdowns, media slander, evil e-mails, you name it... it probably happened between us.� i was bitter for a long time, and then i forgot about kristie.� but now, looking back, she was the biggest influence on me ever.� well, besides my parents, of course. and when things were good, i don't think i've ever been happier in my life. karen is in houston.� med school.� so you know that means she'll be tied up in her studies and residency for like FOREVER.� i've known her for around 6 years, off and on.� i vividly remember the day she walked into the a3c (asian american activities center) and tried out for stanford taiko.� she seemed to float in, and her smile... *sigh*� we still talk sometimes, well, rarely, and she knows how i feel about her... it's just that timing and distance absolutely suck rocks right now.� so that's that. i feel futile.� all these thoughts and conclusions about some remarkable people, and in one case, we used to be so close, but i don't think we will ever talk again, and in another case, i don't know if we'll ever get the chance to be close and see what happens from there. futile wishes.� useless thoughts.� it seems. i still believe, though, that karen is my future.� how long i'll keep letting myself believe that, i don't know.� of course, i'm not going to overlook the possibility of anyone else, but i think it would be poetic if we did wind up together.� it'd be something like destiny. [ some might argue that i'm discounting karine (do i have a thing for girls whose names start with "k" or WHAT?), who was my longest relationship, clocking in at just over 4 years.� but that's another story ] i am much better at glossing over the past than i am in taking control of my future.� i am adept at being a historian, an analyzer... but when it comes to being proactive and upbeat about my prospects in life, i am just... lazy.� pessimistic.� clueless.� ineffectual. amazing how i get anywhere, huh? |