| 15 jun 2001 thanks for glenda, jack, sonya, eric, and peter for their concerns over the whole kristie meltdown i wrote about yesterday. i elicited two "wow"'s in two of the e-mails. ha! no, really, i'm much better, ever since i finished writing the entry. i even had a good night's sleep. but... i just HAD to write it right then, with all the emotion i had, because it's just neat to capture a fleeting intense moment like that, isn't it? i mean, the next morning, when i retyped the whole thing into the webpage editor, i was like "WOAH" myself, because i couldn't identify with all those emotions any more... just after one night of sleep! neat-o. i'm glad i put it down. it's definitely something to remember. ok. anyways. tomorrow's the BIG day! gotta get up at 8am to watch stanford taiko play at baccaleaureate. it's now a tradition, ever since the graduation of 1994, i think... hey! that means i played in the very first one! anyways, baccalaureate is like a multi-faith pre-graduation ceremony. the stanford taiko plays this piece based on the shinto sun goddess, amaterasu. the anecdote here is that the song that we play wasn't about amaterasu in the beginning... it was originally about some weird rodent creature called a tengu, but when the song's composers saw a picture of how nasty a tengu was, they decided to change it. ha! so it's only a matter of circumstance that the current flagship song of stanford taiko happens to be one with religious overtones. and after the performance, i'm gonna go back to my place. thank GOODNESS i don't have to drive all the way to santa clara now. it's so refreshing to be close to stanford again! so i get home, have some lunch, and get ready for the WEDDING! it's gonna be rad. the weather out here in northern california is beautiful. i'm so itching to see all those familiar taiko faces again. one. more. day. hey! that's how cyn writes! ----- my tourette's is kind of bad now. and worse yet, my tic has morphed from a motor tic to a vocal one. i HATE vocal tics because they're more disruptive to others. because more people can hear a noise than see me twitch. the tic i have now is one where i scrunch up my face and let out a little grunt. i FUCKING hate it! so... the inevitable thing that i have to do now is to analyze what happened. having tourette's is like being a very sensitive barometer to stress. little things can set me off, and sometimes they're really subtle things. and after thinking about what has changed in my life, i think it's the moving stress. i get really bothered and anxious about moving. and it coincides with the fact that my TS has gotten bad in the last weeks. so. it gives me hope that as i settle down (both physically and mentally), i'll phase out of this annoying tic. yuck. ----- my neck really hurts, which also reminds me of my old tourette's pain associated with my neck tics. but i don't know what's wrong with my neck, seeing as i don't have neck tics any more. i think it's because now i sleep on my left side, as opposed to my right side. maybe my spine isn't used to that. it is an interesting thing, which side i sleep on. because i always sleep on right side of the bed (facing the bed), which means that with karine was in bed with me, that would make me face her. it was the best position for snuggling and kissing and all that. but as my TS got really bad, i really didn't want her to come in close, for fear that my tics would wake her up, or even worse, cause me to accidentally hit her. so i started sleeping on my left side, away from her. i think she felt a little upset about it, because it seemed like i didn't want to be close to her at night. but it's definitely a habit thing. up until i started sleeping at the new place, i just HAD to sleep on my right side, because it would just feel wrong if i did it any other way. but now, because it gets really bright in my room in the morning, i have to turn away to the other side, because i'd just get blinded. ah... the little nuances of slumber. sleep it important to me. after all, i spent more of my life doing this than anything else. apparently, my roomie jay knows the importance, too, because he splurged and got this fancy sealy posturepedic bed. two nights ago, i had a dream that my friend nicole was here. we were in a big house with a lot of fish. we hugged, and i saw that she had this RED glass eye. spooky, huh? ----- i'm listening to an album... from 1991! yup. OMD's _sugar tax_. ten years old! man. it's just hard to be anything but HAPPY when this album is playing. especially during "speed of light." it's a beautiful song. whatever happened to OMD? i found out that one of my coworkers loves OMD, camouflage, and (neat for me) information society. wow. his college music, i guess. that was my high school music. my favorite song of all time is information society's "what's on your mind." just good shit, i say. i used to make all these mix tapes. i called them GDM (generic dance music). and for the first couple of installments, i would always include some mix of "what's on your mind." ----- so things are back to normal from wednesday night. *phew* i'm still kind of impressed i went through all that. life is not life without crazy pangs of love or longing or anger or ecstacy or sadness. although i could use a little more crazy highs than crazy lows right now. bring it on, baby. |