june14

14 jun 2001

ok.� it's just past midnight.� jay is sleeping, the living room where my computer sits is completely dark, and the only light i'm getting is the glow from the monitor.� and for the first time, i'm going to write my entry beforehand.� i just HAVE to get this off my fucking chest, because i'm about to explode.� i've been hiding my trauma all day, and i REALLY need to vent.

so for the first time, this journal is all about ME.� not chit-chat for my (beloved) readers, but FOR ME.� motherfucking me.� i HAVE to document this, because it's these durations of intense emotion that are the interesting and notable ones to lay down.

so.� basically i found out that kristie... yes, kristie, the love of my life, blah blah blah, is ENGAGED.� to whom (some malaysian dude) is unimportant.

oh yeah.� the picture above was taken on february 19, 1993.� the night that kristie and i got together.� so fucking happy, you see?� and silly, posing like some egyptian statues of whatever the hell i'm trying to allude to.� we had just come back from tower records.� it was the night o the mardi gras party, and we snapped two pictures (this is one of them) on my bed before heading out.

what bothers me about her engagement?� when i read the words, i just felt my heart stop cold.� i shuddered.� and went out for a DEFCON FIVE emergency smoke.� (similar to the one that i needed when i found out jo-ann was going out with ricky, by the way.)� i just sat there on the loading dock curb of my building, and wracked my brain, analyzing my thoughts and emotions.� psychoanalysis.

we played basketball later at 5pm, and i channelled all the shit i was feeling into my game.� in the first game, we won 11-3, and i scored the majority of the points.� apparently, being pissed off or totally fucked up in the head does good things for my game.� (a similar incident happened after jo-ann negged me after i told her i was mad for her, too.)

so... the engagement.� and my thermonuclear meltdown of the day.

yeah, it fucking bothers me.� my conclusion: it's like a door to my future closing.� permanently.� and what's behind the door is ultra-special to me (i.e. first love, great love, yada yada yada).� i realized that in the back of my mind somewhere, i MUST have this out-of-this-world-fantastical notion that i could somehow get a second chance with kristie.� yes.� i'm so fucking arrogant that i must subconsciously believe that i could work my miracle and pull it off.

but i have to draw the line when something like this happens...

... just like when karine told me she could never marry me.
... just like when jo-ann told me she was going out with ricky.

there are times in your life, that you just force yourself to back off.� and let the reality of it all slap you in the face and kick you in the ass.� this is one of them.

i am a person who fantasizes (unjustifiably) about having the future wide open.� when it comes to relationships, it's all the more true.� i like deluding myself into the notion that all options are available, such that it is simply a matter of me choosing my own destiny.� free will is my friend.� and comfort.

and that free will, apparently (and very unhealthily) included kristie.� i don't know why.� we never talk.� she does not return my e-mails.� the last time i saw her was four years ago.� we had an atrocious aftermath, when she slandered me in the school newspaper, i faked an e-mail from her that was utterly self-deprecating, she warned of a possible expulsion from stanford, her dad threatened my own safety right to my face, and she forced our common friends to choose between her or me.� all that?� and i STILL think we could ever have it good again?� fuck me... wow, i AM a true headcase, aren't i?

my brain is truly a work of madness.

what makes her so special to me?� she's just an ex-girlfriend, if you really look at it.� but she was my first love.� and not just that... she is still the most amazing and beautiful (pictures do no justice) person i have ever known, and the mere fact that i got so close to that makes the whole kristie/dardy saga the ultimate real-life dance-on-the-clouds disney fairy tale so far in my life.

at the height of our coupledom, i didn't think that anything could come between us.� there was this moment in a lantana dorm study room one night where my friends alan and jan were fighting, and we were helping them reconcile.� after they left, kristie was sitting behind me, and she just wrapped her arms around me and said, "i think we'll stay together for a very long time."� and i just melted in the thought of an indefinite future with her.

that episode made such a sledgehammer-smitten impression on me that i don't think i will ever forget it.

i really didn't expect this to happen.� i never thought that i would think of kristie this fondly and longingly.� given the ugliness of our breakup and the nasties that we each committed afterwards, i was just so eager and zealous in forgetting her that all these thoughts have been safely tucked away...

until...

...until i started this journal, which really, is a fucking POWERFUL tool in facilitating self-reflection.� and frankly, i'm just shocked.� fucking shocked.� that i still have all these feelings for kristie.� they sure as hell didn't exist when i was with karine, or chasing jo-ann, or whatever... but then i start this journal, and BAM!� the FOURTH entry matter-of-factly states: "kristie was the love of my life."� what the fuck?� was it that obvious?� is it so shallowly under the surface of my thoughts that all it took was four measly days before that deafeningly superlative conclusion came out?

what freaks the shit out of me isn't the fact that she meant that much to me.� what scares the living crap out of me is that she still does.� un-fucking-believable.

(by the way, i'm ticcing pretty badly while writing this.� damn.� i really AM bothered.)

so.� this is the LAST entry where i mention kristie's name.� that's not to say that i will avoid glazing over memories of her when i look at old stanford memorabilia.� that's not say that i won't talk about her when people ask me.� but...� as far as this self-generated fixation goes... that's IT.� it has to end some time, and there's no better time than now.

kristie will always have a piece of my heart.� i can't help that.� yes, i regret not being man enough to keep her by my side, but... anyways, i have taken some limited peeks at her life up until this point, and i AM proud of her.� and happy for her.� i can't deny that part of me will always love her in a a way that i will never feel for anyone else.� but that's it.� i can't do this any more.

ah, the drama... fucking beautiful.