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A Bruised Reed
10-Feb-06
This posting is inspired by an article "A Bruised Reed" as shared by A. Tan in a booklet that was given to me 2-3 weeks ago. What the editor of the story wrote in the following paragraph is something that I want to share also:
Many of us are like reeds battered by the storms of life. We may have once been strong and firm, but now have become broken and bruised. The problems we bear on our shoulders grow heavier with each new day. During these times, the evil one seeks to prey on those who are weak and helpless. But God is only interested in building and not destroying lives.
I was very soft-spoken, quiet and shy person in the past. Brought up in a typical Asian family, I wasn't sure if I could face the harsh reality of working life. Most of the times, I looked very withdrawn from the people around me, and yet at times, I like to join in the crowds even during festive seasons. About two years back, I accepted Christ. Never did I know Christianity would have change my path in life.
After graduating from a local uni, I took up my first perm job in the IT field. Though I did reasonably well in my previous job, it's quite a typical routine everyday and something seems to be lacking. I ponder, is there anything I should do? And the next odd thing is that strangers (coffeeshop stall holders, aunties in MRT) start talking to me..
Last year, I decided to change job - to an entirely different field. From a job that requires technical know-hows to a job that needs interpersonal and communication skills. In the current working world, this may not be entirely uncommon as career change is fairly common after we join the workforce sometime. But to a few people, this is a puzzling question which they couldn't understand behind the rationale as they may not have come across such situation or met such person. Well, every individual is unique and I don't see that everyone should take a normal typical route.
Whether the career path may or may not be better (monetary or career development) to different individuals, I felt perhaps I could serve God better in this line and if time permits, I could go for missionary trips besides getting to know people better.
As I first started my current job, I was surprised that I cleared my tests in the first attempt. In one of the ftypical test, the total number of MCQ questions could be almost a hundred (can't remember the exact). Normally, I will struggle with MCQ questions and always rather prefer to do short-structured questions. But there are no short-structured questions..
The learning curve in the job was steep but I tried to learn whatever it takes to do my job. However, the initial months were tough. While just learning how to "walk", the industry is very competitive even within fellow competitors even within the partnership. And the worse thing is that the industry has made a bad reputation by the black sheeps and lotsa of acts needed to be cleaned up.
In the end, I had a career to worry about. I prayed for God's guidance. The situation worsened until business became the worst in the month of December. I had not given up, but I was very disheartened and discouraged. I tried my best until I realised there is something that could be be improved and whatever possible reasons are just excuses and neither I would say everything that happened is attributed by bad luck as people would probably say.
I continued to pray for God's guidance. In the darkest nights, I wonder if the prayer is heard. Then a friend sms me a message from a poster on exactly how I felt although I have never mentioned.
However from the beginning of this year, work begins to improve till date. Looking at every mistake I made in the past, I had tried to see if I could use another approach instead.
When your nights are filled with loneliness and your days are dark with discouragement. When you can't seem to read or pray, just sit still and let God loves you.
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A True Story
12-Jul-05
During all my schooling days, I was a very quiet girl that my form teachers always arranged to make me sit next to one of the boisterous girls in class. Life is simple that is filled with school lessons, music ECAs, spending time with a small group of close friends, and weekly music lessons at Yamaha. My mom seldom has to worry about my schoolwork and I do not have any disciplinary problems in class. Yet life is nothing special. And there are times when I would cry and see that life is rather meaningless. But I am not really seeking God although I have studied in non-government schools for over twelve years. To many people around me, I'm just an ordinary and quiet girl ... just the youngest in the family.
When I entered university, I am still the same girl as before. After knowing a good friend whom we crossed our path again after six months later, I learn to trust my friends and get to know more friends. Somehow, I begin to see life from a brand new perspective. I learn to appreciate the beauty of life, and realized the fragilities of life. Although the computer science course is difficult and demanding, I managed to survive through and did well. During the final year in school, I am glad to know a group of good friends till now even though we can be busy with our individual final year projects. But life becomes a roller-coaster with strange events which I can't comprehend and bad episodes that cause feelings of pain that have sunk so deep that I wonder if I can ever forget without leaving any emotional fear. I believe that God exists, but I am still searching for Him.
After graduation, I continued to seek for a more meaningful and fulfilling life. It comes to a stage that there is nothing much that I can bury my pains. In the workplace, God has sent me colleagues who have shown care and concern. After the first year of working life, I took up a part-time postgraduate course which I enjoyed much more but a super-crazy schedule began with a full-time job, nights of assignments and readings. As a result, my leisure activities and hours of sleeps are reduced. I later found myself attending a large group awareness program (LGAT) which was recommended by a group of my university friends who said it's about self-development and leadership. In the end, I did not like the trainings as I didn't agree with certain things that were being taught. But I began to wonder about what is a true faith and what is meant by beliefs.
Shortly after, God sent another friend who invited me to a Christmas celebration in church. That was the first time that I get to understand Christianity better. I began to attend church weekly and cell group activities. Soon, I find out more and more about God. But I wasn't sure if I'm ready to accept the Lord as my Saviour. I don't understand why life is painful when I have not made any grave sins. However, I realized that I have my own imperfections. Yet God has shown that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever - He is real, perfect and pure in heart. In March 2004, I prayed the sinner's prayer and asked God to be my Saviour.
It is through trials that God has molded my character, taught me about true forgiveness and showed His love. He has heard my silent cries of pains and knows our hearts. In the book of Judges, Gideon is a man who has very little faith of himself, but put his faith in God. I never have much faith about myself, but God has led me step by step even in circumstances that I thought it is impossible. It is His strength that I have gone through my part-time postgraduate course. And I start to open up from my shell and show concern to people around me.
"My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27
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Maze
21-Jun-05
I used to have recurring dream (nightmare if I should call it) when I was very young once in a blue moon over a span of a few years or months. Then in university days, I had to write a java program to find the shortest path in the maze. After much perseverance and lab tutor's guidance, I managed to find the solution. duh.
There's an article I read in straits times life section today about Vladimir Spivakov, a top russian volinist-conductor who is awarded the top Russian civilian honour by the govt for his musical and philanthropic work. Though I have not heard his music before, something what he said is inspiring.......
When asked on how he picked music as a career, he answered
"A career? Such a word is practically absent in russia and even now, our people still do not know how much about what a career is. I simply studied music. When I was a child, I dreamt of becoming a naval engineer, but when music burst into my life, I understood that I shall be a musician"
"I'm a servant to music. because it is my vocation, sharing music is my calling ... There's nothing happier than to see a child's smile. a child needs to believe in miracles. And I think that when we make someone happy, there is a possibility that we find our own happiness. In any case, I have already found my own happiness in helping children", he said about his work for children.
To me, I always see life as a journey which we learnt many things (and from mistakes) along our way. However, if we know the calling and purpose, then life will be not seen as absurd and waste the time lost in the maze.
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Silent All the Years
08-Apr-2005
A few days ago, I was listening to the song "Silent all the Years" from Tori's album, Little Earthquakes (1992), which is also sang by Sun Yan Zi or Faye Wong. I remember the primary school days when my form teacher liked to arrange me to sit next to one of the most "noisy" girls in the class. If I recalled correctly, my name is chosen by my dad's friend when I am born into this world.. Never understand why this name is chosen for me. In the past, I usually have the same circle of close friends for many years. As for the rest, I guess hardly anyone will know me well besides playing games during recess times or study together. I have always kept my thoughts to myself while my friends will appreciate me for giving them a listening ear.
During my holiday trip in NZ last year, the tour guide asked me while I was "struggling" in my glacier climbing journey, "What's your name?".
"Serene", I replied.
"Nice name, which means peace"
As times go by, I realize that it's not good to keep my thoughts to myself and remain "silent" most of the times. So I decided not live in my inner world and gradually open up to people. As a result, I begin to understand and know people around me better. And the next surprising thing, I begin to develop deeper thoughts based on what I read, see or heard, and share my viewpoints with others. In the midst of difficult situations, I have always looked for peace as I search for my answers.
"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm" - Unknown.
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Music
08-Jan-2005
Finally able to play the entire song with my guitar today. Still learning the basic chords and has to improve the strumming :)
Playing music has always been a hobby for me since young and usually likes to listen to music whole day.....and try to play different instruments from electone organ, band percussion instruments, er-hu to piano. But "jack of all trades and master of none" may not be a very good thing :(
After stopped playing the instruments for a few years, last year was the time which I decided to pick up my music skills again. Thus, start to play my nephew's piano. One reason why playing guitar is good is that we can play anywhere!! But guitar playing can be "painful" initially with the fingers pressing on the string.
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