continued. . .
So anyway, he runs out on his fiancee to be with Sandra. Movie's over, everybody's happy. Right?
Whatever! Ben Affleck hasn't looked like a slimebag yet.
Now I know out there in viewerland you're all asking the question: "...Why?"
Why am I so bitter? Why am I making such a big deal about such a lame movie?
I'll tell you.
KARLA'S LONG, ABUSIVE HARANGUE ABOUT THE EVILS OF MODERN SOCIETY:
Now I'm going to ask you all to do something very complicated: Think. Think, just for a moment, about how much time we, as human beings, have at our leisure to spend here on this Earth. Relatively little, right? Now think about how much of THAT we've already wasted sitting in movie theatres. It's a decent percentage of our collective lives, no? So naturally, you'd think that, as organisms born to die, people would screen their movie choices with the utmost tenacity in frenzied effort to evade the one thing, the only thing, that could enlighten them of their sad vicariousness: a flop. Yes sir, and as Americans and intellectuals, we should certainly have the brains to weed out the feared "flop" and attend only the most well-produced and distinguished movies. However, as this would have probably resulted in the box office failure of almost every Danny Devito film, we can pretty much conclude that the denizens of this country have absolutely no discernment.
Americans darken the doors of our local theatres nearly every weekend in droves, enduring physical discomforts, overpriced concessions, and poorly-drawn cartoons depicting singing malt balls--------for what? To watch Mama get pushed from a train?
It's not unusual to doubt the true "entertainment " value present in a night at the movies.
Consider the following scenario:
After buying your ticket and a bag of popcorn containing more grease than the follicles of Chris Farley's head (may he rest in peace), you saunter into the theatre, hoping to find a seat near the center. You've seen all the previews for this new Sandra Bullock movie, and you feel confident that it's going to rock.
Now comes the fun part. You get to try to find, in complete and total darkness, the 1-4 chairs in the whole joint that are both well-positioned and gum-free. And preferably dry. And won't give you a skin disease. Having looked unsuccessfully through five minutes of previews without so much as a tentative candidate for your bum, you eventually settle for a spot in the back, left-hand corner behind about three consecutive rows of 13-year-olds. With the seating obstacle surmounted, you settle down comfortably for two quiet, peaceful hours of quality entertainment.
Or so you think.
Wake up and smell the stale popcorn, movie rat. First of all,
you're in a theatre, an invention with which comfort has never been synonymous. You won't be comfortable sitting for two hours in one of those chunks of glorified cement! You won't even be comfortable sitting for two minutes. Secondly, the kids in front of you will laugh like banshees at the most consistently retarted parts of the movie, and as soon as the lights go down, the gangly boy with the braces will turn around and try to put the moves on you.
Thirdly, the "entertainment" that is about to be "provided" is not quality. It's Forces of Nature.
All this hassle, all this inconvenience...what's the point? Why would anybody in his right mind endure the aforementioned scenario for a full two hours?
I'll tell you why. Because the audience expects to be moved by a movie. It doesn't matter if the plot is typical or the ending predictable. If the film makes a point that moves its audience to a non-conditioned response, whether they agree with the film or not, it's a winner. (Of course, it also helps if the film gives them the desired ending.)
This is just the problem with Forces. Y'see, you go into that movie with an idea, based largely on its notoriously deceptive trailers, that this will happen: Ben Affleck will leave somebody for Sandra Bullock. You have no idea whether it's Maura Tierney or Oprah Winfrey...and you don't really care, because you know that everything will be all right in the end.
AHA! But that's where you're wrong. Somebody didn't want it to end that way. Somebody wanted to make a statement. So somebody did a bad, bad thing.
"Hey, I've got an idea! Let's give our movie a theme, drag our audience through two hours of crap relating to our theme, and then, without any logical explanation, completely drop the plot right at the end of the movie! Nobody'll expect it, nobody'll predict it, and it'll make Ben Affleck look almost as jerky on the big screen as he really is!!!
They'll hate us AND our mothers! It'll be...PERFECT!!!"
Somebody is an idiot. But so it stood...and Forces of Nature was spawned.
I have no problem with giving away the ending this time, guys. So if you don't want to hear it, leave now.
The plot-dropping twist incorporated by the omnipotent "movie people" is simply this: Affleck goes and...he...he...marries her. And no, I'm not talking about Sandra. Ben marries...his fiancee.
Yup. You heard me correctly. Goes through this cataclysmic, life-altering, spiritual journey with the cyberspace-savvy computer chick so he can hook up with the mom from Liar-Liar. Suffers through the grueling experiences of a hurricane and K-mart with Sandra-------K-MART, FOR PETE'S SAKE!!-------only to take her all the way back to his old flame's house so he can profess his undying love for.....his old flame!! Huh. I bet Sandra didn't feel indebted to him for that random act of kindness.
Whatever would Oprah say?
Mmmmm...looks like she's just gotten away with a doggie bag full of beef. I doubt she'd care to comment.
Oh, and get this. Can you guess one of the first things Ben says to his beloved Maura upon his return?
"I love you."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! Isn't that just like a male. I LOVE you?!? After what he did?!
"Hey, babe...I'm sorry I'm late...I got a little sidetracked on the way to our blessed holy union; there was this cool chick, see, and I sorta made out with her and actually almost considered not marrying you, ha ha! Isn't it funny how things work out? But honey, I finally got here and now I've decided that I LOVE YOU. Let's make it work."
..............................
Excuse me a second. I think I have a force of nature acting on my stomach.
CONCLUSION:
I'm sure that you're all relieved to find that Affleck doesn't betray his fiancee.......alone. He turns right around and betrays Sandra as well and, ultimately, himself. And calls it 'love.' What a perfectly insipid ending! This not only re-establishes Affleck as the quintessence of jerkiness, but it also ruins the ENTIRE *forces* motif. Throughout this film nature's elements prevail, dutifully and in keeping with its title. All elements, that is, except for Sandra (who represents, as any quadriplegic riding a pony can see, the force commonly referred to as "wild hippie chick"). Nature couldn't possibly have conveniently faltered in time to save Ben and Sandra from the agony of a pit-stop in K-Mart, nooooooo......it had to lose power at the most significant juncture of the movie. Yeah, that figures.
NOT.
While plot twists are nice, one of the most essential aspects of any movie is its theme. The allegories, the symbolism, all the sappy metaphors...they're what make movies poignant. And poignancy is a linchpin in viewer satisfaction. So the decision to sacrifice plot for 'unpredictability' is, in any scenario, a very, very poor decision. One that results in a very, very poor film and subsequently a very, VERY ticked off audience. An audience who realizes that they would have all been much better off staying at home on their couches, watching Oprah mutilate cows
...Actually, that might be pretty funny.
SCORING:
CINEMATOGRAPHY: Besides Sarah Mclachlan's brief aria, the only positive thing about this movie. Art direction is uniquely captivating...During the scene with the slow-motion storm, I found counting raindrops a welcome distraction.
EDITING: Choppy, choppy, CHOPPY. I don't think I've ever witnessed such a completely inconsequential slapping-together of time and setting. Well, besides about half of Johnny Depp's movies. But he's hot -- that's consequence in itself.
LANGUAGE/SEXUAL CONTENT: Very minimal. But that doesn't make up for anything.
BANIA'S APPROXIMATE SCREENTIME: Very minimal. But that doesn't make up for anything.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: In a world of Jack Nicholsons and Helen Hunts, Forces of Nature is about as bad as it gets. Not only does Ben Affleck wear the same irritatingly supercilious expression the entire two hours (yes, it's that long), he doesn't even put forth the slightest effort to employ what little talent he has toward conveying a believable attraction to Bullock. No chemistry at all. None. While Sandra is usually quite capable of making up for the shortcomings of her leading men, this time she was obviously not up to her usual speed. And with that flagrantly obvious reference, I'd like to add that Keanu could definately teach Ben a thing or two about leaving the acting to the ladies.
PLOT: Don't get me started
Forces Of Nature OVERALL RATING: MOST HANEOUS
K-Mart? Give me a break.
