Fun Quotes

From TV:

"There you are, sir, and don't worry if the night shirt is too long. They do ride up with wear." - Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served?*

"(phone rings) Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. (beep)" - George's answering machine from Seinfeld*

"(phone rings) 'Hey, uh, just a sec. I'll check... Uh, Amanda Hugandkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugandkiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hugandkiss?'" - Moe from The Simpsons*

"'To start press any key.' Where's the any key?" - Homer from The Simpsons*

"English, who needs that? I'm never going to England." - Homer from The Simpsons*

"I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T." - Homer from The Simpsons*

"I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." - Cartman from South Park*

"I'm not fat, I'm festively plump." - Cartman from South Park*

"Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake, Beefcake!" - Cartman from South Park*

"'What's the matter, dude?' 'I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.' 'Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants.'" - the gang from South Park*

"'Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a pop tart.' 'Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.'" - Kyle and Cartman from South Park*

"But that's okay. Now remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people." - Mr. Garrison from South Park*

"'My daughter wanted a belly button ring once.' 'Well, how'd you handle that?' 'I said no.'" - Mel Gibson on fatherhood during The Late Show with David Letterman.

From the Movies:

"'I know nothing because I'm a woman.' 'You're not a woman.' "Oh, you bastard!'" - Nathan Lane and Robin Williams in The Birdcage*

"Hey, you! Anything happens to my daughter, I got a 45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you." - Cher's dad in Clueless*

"If I were ever going to buy a desk set twice, I would probably buy this one both times. In fact, its shape is rather aerodynamic, isn't it? I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly. Todd, the world's first unmanned flying desk set... Well, I wouldn't worry, you'll get another one next year." - Robert Sean Leonard in Dead Poet's Society*

"Uhhh... in short, to recap in a slightly clearer version, uhhh... the words of David Cassidy in fact um... while he was still with the Partridge Family, uhhh... 'I think I love you.'" - Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral*

"He was my North, my South, my East and West, my working week, my Sunday rest, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong." - the eulogy from Four Weddings and a Funeral*

"Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to say in this magnificent place of worship. Bugger... Bugger... Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!" - Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral*

"No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often and by someone who knows how." - Clark Gable as Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind*

"What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz. Oh no, don't go in there. Oh ee oh, Ho Chi Minh. Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now. We represent the Arvan Army, Arvan Army. Oh no, follow the Ho Chi Minh trail, follow the Ho Chi Minh trail. I'll get you my pretty�Oh my God, it's the Wicked Witch of the West, it's Hanoi Hannah. Now, little GI, you and your little tutu, too." - Robin Williams in Good Morning, Vietnam*

"God help us, we're in the hands of engineers." - Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day*

"'Oops.' 'Oops?' 'What do you say we try that one again, huh?' 'Yes, yes, yes, without the oops.'" - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day*

"I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, okay?" - Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire*

"Shut up, just shut up. You had me at 'Hello'." - Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire*

"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!" - peasant in Monty Python and the Holy Grail*

"Then down upon her knees she falls, weaps, sobs, beats her heart, tears her hair, curses, 'Oh, sweet Benedick, God give me patience!'" - Robert Sean Leonard in Much Ado About Nothing*

"I'm a good girl, I am." - Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady*

"I washed my face and hands before I come, I did." - Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady*

"'Fezzini, he can fuss.' 'Fuss, fuss... I think he'd like to scream at us.' 'Probably he means no harm.' 'He's very, very short on charm.' ... 'No more rhymes now, I mean it.' 'Anybody want a peanut?'" - Mandy Patinkin, Andre the Giant, and Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride*

"'Why does he keep going into our closet?' 'Why do you keep going into our closet?' 'To get my clothes, but that's not why he goes in there.' 'Of course not, he's twice your size. Your clothes would never fit him. Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?'" - "Mitch" and Val Kilmer in Real Genius*

"I know exactly where your body is. What I'm looking for is some indication of a brain." - Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman*

"I can't make love to a bush!" - "Lena Lamont" in Singin' in the Rain

"Let the stormy clouds chase every one from the place. Comer on with the rain; I've a smile on my face." - Gene Kelly in Singin' in the Rain

"People?!?! I ain't people!" - "Lena Lamont" in Singin' in the Rain

"'Did you hear I finally graduated?' 'Yeah, in just a shade under a decade, too. Alright.' 'You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years.' 'I know; they're called doctors.'" - Chris Farley and David Spade in Tommy Boy*

"She's lost that lovin' feeling.' 'She's lo�No, she hasn't.' 'Yes she has.' 'She has not lost that lovin�' 'Goose, she's lost it.' 'Man, come on... I hate it when she does that.'" - Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards in Top Gun*

"Hell no, man, we got our butts kicked.' 'Thirty seconds. We went like this, he went like that. I said to Hollywood, 'Where'd he go?' Hollywood said, 'Where'd who go?'" - pilots in Top Gun*

"I can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power." - Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"Let's go to the zoo." - "Ray" in Jerry Maguire

From Musicals:

"May the Lord who watches all watch over thee. May God's Heaven be your blanket as you softly sleep." - Fred Barrett in "The Proposal" from Titanic*

"But how can you know what you want 'till you get what you want and you see if you like it?" - Cinderella in "A Very Nice Prince" from Into the Woods*

"But then how can you know who you are 'til you know what you want, which you don't, so then which do you pick: where you're safe, out of sight, and yourself but where everything's wrong, or where everything's right, and you know that you'll never belong?" - Cinderella in "On the Steps of the Palace" from Into the Woods

"Build higher walls around me, change every lock and key. Nothing lasts, nothing holds all of me." - Belle in "Home" from Beauty and the Beast: The Broadway Musical

"This equation, girl plus man, doesn't help just you. On occasion women can have their uses, too." - Gaston in "Me" from Beauty and the Beast: The Broadway Musical

"Get away, you no account nothings with your silly jokes and prattle. If you packed all your brains in a butterfly's head, they'd still have room to rattle." - Carrie Pipperidge in "Give It To 'Em Good, Carrie" from Carousel

"I pine, I blush, I squeak, I squawk. Today I woke too weak to walk. What's love I hear, I feel, I fear, I know I am, I'm sure I mean, I hope, I trust, I pray, I must be in." - Hero in "Love, I Hear" from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

"Marry the man today, handle it meek and gently. Marry the man today and change him subsequently." - Miss Adelaide in "Marry the Man Today" from Guys and Dolls

"'She has skin white as snow.' 'Did you learn her name?' 'No, there's a dwarf standing guard.'" - the Princes in "Agony" from Into the Woods

"'If it were not for the thicket...' 'A thicket's no trick. Is it thick?' 'It's the thickest.' 'The quickest is pick it apart with a stick.' 'Yes, but even one prick, it's my thing about blood.' 'Well, it's sick.' 'It's no sicker than your thing with dwarves.' 'Dwarfs.' 'Dwarfs.' 'Dwarfs are very upsetting.'" - the Princes in "Agony" from Into the Woods

"To love another person is to see the face of God." - Fantine, Eponine, and Jean Valjean in "Finale" from Les Mis�rables

"The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head." - Eponine in "On My Own" from Les Mis�rables

"'What is that? It's a key. It's the key to the garden. I've found the key to the garden. But the door... But where's the door?' 'Mary Lennox?' 'Coming.'" - Mary Lennox and Martha in The Secret Garden

"There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last." - Mimi in "Another Day" from RENT

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." - Mimi in "Another Day" from RENT

"You'll never share real love until you love yourself. I should know." - Roger in "Goodbye, Love" from RENT

"I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love. Now I know you can rent it. A new lease you are, my love, on life." - Angel and Collins in "I'll Cover You" from RENT

"You think I don't know what I want?" - Kate McGowan in "No Moon" from Titanic

"Shan't I be young before I'm old?" - Guenevere in "The Simple Joys of Maidenhood" from Camelot

"When the odds are saying you'll never win, that's when the grin should start." - the Washington Senators in "Heart" from Damn Yankees

Misc. Quotes:

"A blind person could get a job as a night watchman." - some guy in my Religion 312 discussion

"I am a hummingbird that is loud and noisy." - me a couple of years ago (not sure why...)

"Today we skat." - my Theory 351 professor

"Fruitcake! by Jim Carrey" - Amy K. and I in Religion 312 lecture, commenting on the guest speaker

"Single men should get married or fixed." - our Religion 312 professor explaining the Puritan theories about single men being "dangerous".

"Do you want to buy a chicken?" - the oft-repeated punchline to the deaf man selling chickens joke told at Lutheran Summer Music Camp in the summer of 1994.

"'Olaf?' 'Bjorn?' 'Olafbjorn.'" - the traditional greeting between Joy and I, a carry-over from our days at LSM.

"Oh, that changes everything, doesn't it?" - my Theory 430 professor.

"'Go Longhorns'? Is Heidi from Texas?" - me, confused as to what Jeremy was pointing at on the blackboard.

"You could be distracted by the clunk, clunk, clunk." - my Theory 430 professor once again.

"The idea from a hand-wavy point of view is as follows..." - my Theory 430 prof. yet again.

"I don't know where I am, but that's okay." - Krista in Shakespeare class faking a line that somehow worked into the exact meter AND rhyme of what she was supposed to say.

"He's the resident Seinfeld." - my Shakespeare prof.

"Please mold me, teach me, and of course, do research..." - me, I think...

"Flat is not a color." - me to Jean after a flute search candidate told a flute student to play flat as a way of changing tone color.

"I'll bring my own stand to my recital." - me commenting to Jean on how nice the School of Music's stands look with "Stolen from U of M SM" painted in large white letters on the back.

"That's rather tasty, isn't it?" - my Theory 430 prof. strikes again.

"What's a nice chord like you doing in a place like this?" - and he strikes yet again...

"So who is this Autumn chick anyway?" - Ryan, who was very confused as to a line in the Les Mis�rables song "I Dreamed a Dream."