How Do You Melt A Girl's Heart Of Stone? 

Just 

Add 

Ice.

The tagline for this 1991 Opus speaks more about the atrocity to follow than I ever could.

Not even in the year 2002, where "entertainment" comes in the form of pretty men mouthing about how much they "want you back" could I possibly imagine any circumstance under which this movie could be seen as anything but 92 minutes of a sick joke.  It is NOT possible that Ice today (pictured below) doesn't feel residual embarrassment from what a DOUCHE BAG he looks like in this movie.

Allow me to set the scene for you:

shortly after the release of his hit album "ice ice baby", Ice was looking for something to further his image as the renaissance man we all know him as today.  He chose the big screen.  Ever since that fateful day this movie was scripted, if you listen with the right kind of ears, you can still hear the tortured screams of all cast and crew of this abomination.  

This is...

COOL

AS

ICE.

Ice plays "John Van Owen" in this 1991 David Kellogg Vehicle.  More or less vanilla ice, just infinately more stupid.  When watching this movie, i actually find myself REMINDING myself that his character is NOT a cartoon character, he's just that absurd looking.  If i get my digital camera up and running to full potential soon, i promise you oodles of pictures from this train wreck.   

Ice, Circa 2000

After some sort of atrocious performance in what looks like a dimly-lit meat-packing plant, ice and his cronies are on the road.  Whereupon Ice discovers a female riding a horse that catches his eye.  What better way to make a first impression on a girl than to spook her horse into throwing her almost to her death?  Needless to say, even though he quite possibly made the biggest possible faux pas, he still comes off as smooth as he runs to the aid of the girl he just almost paralyzed.  She gets up, and punches him in the stomach.  Useless dialogue is exchanged, and the story churns onward. 

One of the posse (the guy that looks like what's happening's RERUN) appears to have bike troubles.  To which his friends laugh hysterically at him for about 5 minutes.  That's another thing i love about this movie, how tragedy among friends elicits raucous laughter.  

RANDOM HERO #1

periodically, i will delve into the under appreciated stars of the movie.  This particular hero i like to call "irate motorist"  

This guy is PISSED!  And understandably might i add-- he's trying to get to work, and these street toughs are stalled out in the middle of the road for gods sake!  If anyone by some chance knows who this guy is, you can email me here, or..........................................here

7 or so minutes of filler later, Ice and his misanthropic posse of bikers find themselves plunged into anytown USA.  Where men are men, girls are girls, and red pleather couches adorn front lawns like pink flamingos.  Had Norman Rockwell been a crack addict, his paintings would look something like this town.  They roll up to (and stop at) a house that for some reason is decorated with perpetually spinning globes, a "flattened earth view" roof and a plethora of other things purchased at the TGI Friday's garage sale.  

This is where we find Roscoe and Mae McCallister, a zany husband and wife team of (you guessed it!) motorcycle mechanics.  At this point, i wish to let it be known that the roll of Roscoe McCallister is played by Cheswick from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.  What could possibly have happened to this actor between then and... then i shudder to think.  Rerun (after some comical resistance including several confused faces) agrees to leave his bike at the crazy people's house to be fixed.  Leaving the Ice crew to do whatever they want at the house while they wait to become a crew again.  Here is an actual list of some of the things these people decide to do during their wait;

                                                                                                        Now THAT House is CRAZY wack!

1) Dance, Dance, DANCE!  these people cant get enough dancing!  often times for no reason at all these people spontaneously break into dance, and BOY can they move!

2) Make disgusting sandwiches:  Rerun while in the house helps himself to a sandwich with peanut butter, pickles, sardines, mustard, mayonayse, a slice of pineapple, and to top it all off... WHITE BREAD.  This process of making this sandwich takes almost 4 minutes of film off the director's hands. 

3) Wear flashlights on their heads while butchering Shakespeare:  "posse member B" is wearing the afformentioned hat while lamenting, "If that is the answer, what is the question?" followed by a few long seconds of raucous laughter.

 At this point, rerun and ice go to check the status of his bike, which is "in a million pieces".  Roscoe assures them that he can handle it, and like he always says, "you cant put anything back together until you take it apart".  At which point, rerun makes quite possibly the most hilarious facial gesture/sound combination ever.

Click HERE to hear the insanity.

Having run out of absurd things to do (for the moment), our hero heads on over to the girl's house, who happens to live 2 houses down from where he and his posse are held up for the moment.  isnt that a lucky coincidence??

 Anyway, this is the part of the movie where Ice finds the girl's name, which is Kathy.  He, being the smooth talker that he is, decides that her name is Kat.  She half-smiles, and her boyfriend stupidly gapes at this retard macking it to his woman.  As ice turns to leave, he glances back and lays some lyrics down on Kathy.  "Hey kat... word of advice, drop dat ZERO and get wit' da HERO" *smile*, exit stage right.  Kathy's boyfriend, Nick, then turns to kathy and gives a half-assed gripe about him, to which she tells him to forget about him, cause she already has.  DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

It seems our hero is out of luck for the time being, but fear not-- ice still has a few tricks up his sleeve.  If you thought that a cat couldnt possibly be more smooth than to almost break her spine, think again.  This time, ice has hatched a plan so devious, so cunning, so incredibly smooth that giving her a lifetime of life support seems like a box of old whitmans chocolates when compared to this gesture.  This scene really paints just why he's cool AS ICE!

What a dreamboat!

It seems that Ice has STOLEN Kat's organizer.  Nothing says "pay attention to me" to a woman like stealing a personal effect of hers.  And seriously, LOOK AT HIM, how can she RESIST in the first place, much less after this.  Hopefully she'll be putty in his hands after this, lets watch!

Upon hearing about ice's latest courting tactic, rerun has a less than chummy reaction to his ring leader's plot.  click here to hear rerun's commentary, (wav, 300k)

Ice, undaunted by his comrade's lack of faith, presses on to read her most personal of personal documents.  To hear his lament on the subject, click HERE (wav 300k)

Flash forward to THE FAMILY:

After the ridiculous sequence in which the entire Winslow family does a series of jigs and/or shimmies while preparing the house for dinner, we find Tommy on the couch saying "YO! She's on!"

The family gathers in close on the couch to watch a news special on their little girl.  This town is apparantly so small that they have time to report on a local girl doing well at school.  The news goes on to say how she got a "double 800" on her SAT, and a "4.0 Grade average".  Good for you, kathy!  all you need to continue on your path to success is to pick up a jerkoff of a boyfriend who's wardrobe makes michael jackson, bjork, and cher combined look tame.  But i'll leave the foreshadowing aside for now, wouldn't want to spoil the plot.

Trouble is afoot at the winslow place.  It seems the news report (which for some reason showcased kathy's father) has attracted the attention of a few ne'er-do-wells who have some serious beef with mr winslow.  The report ends, The Winslow family, The Ice Crew, and the Bad Guys all get an eye full, all brilliantly choreographed.  The phone at the ole winslow house rings, personally, i hoped it was ice with something clever to say, but alas-- dreams dont always come true.  It's just charlie, a friend of mr. winslow, wishing him congratulations i guess.  After that useless scene, young tommy is playing super mario brother's III, while his sister notices for the first time that her black book has gone missing!  Keeping in mind that they never SHOWED him stealing it, or even getting close enough to her to make a good grab at it, but we'll ignore that. Upon retracing her steps, she figures out that whoever stole her book must be a smooth talker, someone so tough and cool that they'd have the balls to steal her stuff.  She didnt have to think long before she came to the realization that i SCREAMED at her through the television to hopefully let her realize.  She's been iced by the ice man!!!

Honestly--- how much more sexy can you possibly get?

Before i go on, let me just take this opportunity to say that if you're STILL reading this at this point, you are 1 (or both) of 2 things.

1) just a hard-core mofo

2) just as bored as i am

Moving on--

The bad guys decide to pay the winslows a little visit.  It seems that they're under the impression that they owe them $500,000.  They give them 24 hours to pay them back, or else!!!  They seem to be under the impression that Mr winslow is actually named Jim, and his wife, sarah.  Something fishy is going on!

Kat and her man go to "the sugar shack", a night club which looks more like a run down theme diner in ohio than a club.  Inside we find this lame ass band playing, and lame ass people standing around.  Not for long!  Ice snagged the "411" on where kat was just moments earlier from her mother.  The ice crew cases the joint, and is clearly not digging the tunes.  Kat notices Ice and crew standing there, and there's about a 1-minute long shot of her staring at him looking at different angles.  Let it be known that Nick is intoxicated, and being a real jackass as a result of it.  Ice and his crew yank the plug on the lame act on the stage, and get on themselves!!  Somehow, the microphone that ice uses still works, even though the power has just been pulled, i was able to chalk that up to "ice magic" and move on from there undaunted.  As ice grabs the mic from the dazed lead singer, he utters a phrase that lets all those "bustas" KNOW he means business, BIZNESS, even!!  Click HERE to find out why ice is NOT to be trifled with!!

For the next 10 minutes or so, Ice and his posse TURN THAT MOTHER OUT!  Nick stands there AGOG while his woman and ice get freaky on the dance floor.  Obviously the guy is a real pussy.  After the song is over, Ice thinks he's the real mack daddy, but kathy is a crafty one!  she gives him 24 hours to give her back the organizer or she'll call the cops!

*End Page 1* 

Cool as Ice Part II Rolls on, right HERE!

or you can go BACK home.