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Yesterday on the square in Mountain View, Arkansas,
an unknown female fiddler was seen changing her strings in broad daylight.
When asked about this unseemly act, the woman caustically replied,
"If you don't like it, look the other way,
I do it for the thrill!"
- THREAT RECEIVED FROM OUTER SPACE!
~ FIDDLE GODDESSES PROMISE PROTECTION ~
Recently our source at NASA revealed that a mysterious message
had been detected coming from the far reaches of space. After being decoded
it was found that the message could warn of a threat to Earth.
In a telephone interview, our source gave the following comments
on this frightening news:
"We think this one is for real,
the sender seems to call himself, as near as we can translate,
"El Banjo Grande". He's threatening to invade the planet
with his horde of evil minions, causing chaos and consternation.
He admits their gruesome plan to alter the soundwaves
in the atmosphere, making everything sound like a banjo.
I can't believe anyone would do something so merciless!
It will certainly drive the inhabitants of Earth to insanity, or worse."
- NASA reports that a second communication
has been received!
"Greetings Earthling!
Your days are numbered, your nights are alphabetized, your weekends
are folded your holidays are stamped and mutilated, your envelopes,
like your fates, are sealed. Resistance is futile. So you
have discovered our secret so early... what can you do about it?
NOTHING! Our fearless leader, EARL (may his strings never rust)
has blessed your puny planet by targeting it for subjugation,
conquest and musical reorientation. Soon you will forget your "fiddles"
and "violins" and sway to the true sounds of the sacred
instrument. We the followers of the "true path of the four and a half"
will be merciful, if you throw down your fiddles and
embrace the banjo NOW! There are no "MEN IN BLACK"
to save you. WE ARE COMING... Prepare to become BANJO PLAYERS!!!!
El Banjo Grande
Commander of the Intergalactic Armada
and Music Reorientation Unit"
When the Fiddle Goddesses were informed of this
terrible threat, one of them sent this response:
"Should we be afraid? NOT!!!! Ol' Banjo Grande is a
Big Ol' Weinie Baby!!!!! I blow Rosin in his general direction....... Poowey!!!!
Does he not know that we've infiltrated his Inaudible Armada
with fiddle players disguised as Steve Martin, Bela Fleck,
and John Hartford? Does he not know that the population
of fiddles on the planet Earth (electric fiddles included) totally outnumber the
banjo population on any other planet in the entire solar system?
Men in Black????? We don't need no stinkin' Men in Black!!!!!!!
We are glorious, ethereal goddesses in white, with blazing fire
and raging oceans at our disposal! To us, the stars are
mere jewelry. As their attack vessels near the planet Earth,
we shall calmly and benevolently rip their ships apart,
shaking the broken hulls over the seas, feeding those little
weinie baby banjo player E.T.'s to the sharks. As for
the El Banjo Grande Mother Ship, we will gently pickle it
in a carafe of Berringer's White Zinfandel along with it's crew,
(all except for El Banjo Grande himself). As for what we will
do with him, it is still undecided. We may tie him up...
yes...that's good. Tie him up... and get Jean Luc Ponty
with his electric violin to fervently serenade the Bully Banjo Lover
(wilder and wilder, louder and louder!) until he screams for mercy
and agrees to enroll in Violin 101, taught by the
kind and generous Fiddle Goddesses themselves."
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