October 2002 Archive
27 October 2002
Daylight Saving Time is over! Yeah! Back to good old Standard Time. So why do we change our clocks every six months? I hate it. You hate it. Everybody hates it. Luckily, our government knows what's best for us.
Is President Bush a "dry drunk"? Sure sounds like he is.
26 October 2002
I love my job so much, I give 100% at work.
Jesus loves the little children.
The maker of an implantable human ID chip has launched a national campaign to promote the device, offering $50 discounts to the first 100,000 people who register to get embedded with the microchip. Are we all going to be turned in to Borg drones?
Today in Free Speech: Moon the Whitehouse
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- A pair of deer interrupted the lunchtime rush Friday at a McDonald's restaurant in Washington when they smashed through a plate glass window and pranced around the store, a fire official said. Make up your own joke.
Today In Special Sauce
Almost everything the sniper "profilers" and pundits told the media over the past three weeks turns out to have been off the mark.
It's a wine! No, it's a disinfectant! Tastes great, kills germs!
Top Ten Things You Can Do With Duct Tape:
Number OneFrom PC Magazine: The Top 100 Web Sites
25 October 2002
The nightmare is over. The sniper is in custody thanks to his own stupidity, citizen involvement and good police work. So now it's time for some silliness.
When I studied journalism, we were told "Dog Bites Man" is not news. So how about "Dog Shoots Man?"
A nude man who flashes his victims, then takes a photo of them with a camera as he exposes himself, struck twice in Columbus, Ohio on Oct. 15.
Today in radioactive cats.
Dogs are more relaxed and well-behaved when listening to classical music, rather than pop or heavy metal, according to a new behavioural study. Remind me to ask my cat what kind of music she prefers. I'm just guessing, but I think the sound of a can opener is music to her pointed little ears.
If you lived in London, would this poster make you feel more secure?
Are you aware that your hi-tech mobile wireless devices are transmitting information about you? If this concerns you, get a cloaking device.
Three rules of getting older.
23 October 2002
Celebrate the Second Amendment by buying an extra 100 rounds of ammunition on November 19th. Great for hunting, self-defense, target practice and annoying the anti-gun lobbyists. If you would like to support National Ammo Day and don't own a gun, here's a hint: I use .45 ACP, Jim uses 7.62mm X 39mm.
(Link courtesy of Jim)In the last 17 years the average fuel economy of the entire fleet of U.S. cars and light trucks declined from 26 mpg to 24 mpg. And you still think our upcoming war with Iraq isn't because we're running out of oil?
Is there a supermassive black hole in the center of our galaxy?
Just days after the first 'internet overdose', another addict has died after a marathon games binge.
And now, this breaking news report on something...
Top Ten Uses for Soy Sauce:
Number 1
The Bill of NO Rights
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, bed wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Today in Those Silly Russians
Looks like our Air Force has borrowed some Klingon technology.
"Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law." How many times have you heard that familar Miranda warning on TV police shows? Well, that e-mail you just sent could also be used against you in court. Did you know you can send encrypted e-mail for FREE?
20 October 2002
These teachers probably belong to the Japanese branch of my Beer Church.
For 'puter geeks only: the world's most dangerous server rooms.
UNIVERSITY PARK -- Math labs are standard features of college campuses, but campus police at Southern Methodist University were surprised when they found what they say was a meth lab in a campus music practice room, campus police said.
Some spooky facts about Halloween from the U.S. Census Bureau.
Teenage boys in Japan's cities are turning into modern hermits - never leaving their rooms. Hey, at least their parents know where they are.
"Male urination", Camille Paglia once famously commented, "is a kind of accomplishment, an arc of transcendence. A woman merely waters the ground she stands on."
To Protect and Serve...after donuts.
Some more funny pics I've collected from the Net.
19 October 2002
Your brain: Use it or lose it.
And keep your fingers crossed.
THE AMERICAN REPUBLIC IS DEAD. HAIL THE AMERICAN EMPIRE. OR ELSE.
The Elements. This WILL be on the test.
Is free will just an illusion?
A former Clinton administration official in charge of privacy issues warned Friday that the Bush administration risked setting the country back decades on privacy policy if it did not heed the lessons of the past.
Video clip of an F-14 Tomcat breaking the sound barrier. If you live in Iraq, you don't have to download this, just look up. (1.3 MB)
The official song of Reverend Roger's Beer Church.
ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A bird the size of a small airplane was recently spotted flying over southwest Alaska, puzzling scientists, the Anchorage Daily News reported this week.
TEHRAN, Iran - Dogs and their owners could become the latest target of a clampdown on moral corruption in Iran after a hardline cleric called for canines of all shapes to be arrested. My cat thinks this is a good move.
Explore the pyramids of Egypt before Bush declares them to be weapons of mass destruction.
Does your company have a profit sharing plan?
18 October 2002
Wife's bites cause death, police claim.
Did you think I could pass up a story like this?ELLETTSVILLE, Ind. — When Jim Bristoe told his wife he wanted to build a cannon that would shoot a pumpkin a mile, she told him he wasn't all there.
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- North Korea has revealed to the United States that it has a secret and active nuclear weapons program begun years after it promised to never again to pursue such a course, the White House said late Wednesday.
Guess we'll have to invade North Korea, too. I wonder if Canada has weapons of mass destruction?
Will Jesus Sling Little Children Into Hell For Celebrating Halloween?
13 October 2002
This site is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation.
(Link courtesy of Val)On the other hand --> Masturbate for Peace: Using Masturbation to End War.
Today's Politically Incorrect Joke:
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back,
"It's because it takes place in the future...."
(Joke courtesy of Val's Dad)Dvorak's Universal Home Page and Personal Portal 2002: John Dvorak writes an opinion column for PC Magazine and has made an excellent start page for your web browser. I use it myself and highly recommend it. Be sure to follow the link that explains how to copy it to your own computer for even faster loading.
I'm not worried about snipers. I'm bullet-proof. I was once shot at while riding a Houston Metro bus. A bullet fired from a side street punched through the window just inches above my head. I got some glass in my hair and on my shoulders. I was a little shaken at first, until I realized since I was shot at and missed, I must be bullet-proof. YOUR BULLETS CANNOT HARM ME, HA! It's hard to describe what a good feeling that was. Too bad it wore off. Now I worry about smallpox. A crowded bus would be a good place to release the variola virus. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
The Antidote to Fears of Terrorist Acts: Survivor Personality Skills
Why are the authorities having such a hard time finding this truck?
12 October 2002
ATLANTA (AP) -- A Texas study suggests more youngsters are stealing cigarettes since the state cracked down on the sale of tobacco to minors.
Are you concerned about the proliferation of video cameras constantly spying on us? Use a laser pointer to ZAP those darned things.
More Paranoia: Reflected and diffuse light from an obscured computer monitor can still be used to reconstruct what is on its screen, say UK researchers. The technique could be used to spy on computers through an office window, for example, even if the monitor was not facing the window.
War Will Not End Terrorism.
In mass-murder history, it's often the killers' own mistakes that are their undoing.
An Alabama law banning the sale of sex toys was struck down by a federal judge as a violation of the right to privacy.
Here's a guy who likes pumpkins. I mean REALLY likes pumpkins.
I wonder if he would "like" this pumpkin?
CANBERRA (Reuters) - Australian scientists believe they have rediscovered an effective use for lemon juice -- as a contraceptive and also a killer of the AIDS virus. Make up your own jokes.
And here's a new male contraceptive.
Do you have any nekkid pictures of your wife? Want to see some?
An analysis of the DC sniper.
PDCue™ Counter Sniper System
Did Columbus "discover" America? Yes.
With no more data than that gleaned from a passing glance at your hands, a stranger might infer whether you are likely to have homosexual inclinations, are highly fertile, may eventually suffer from a heart attack or breast cancer, have musical aptitude or sporting prowess, and a surprisingly long list of other characteristics.
Musical kitties. 634 KB Shockwave-Flash.
Department of Education to Delete Years of Research From Its Website. Sounds like the memory hole described in George Orwell's novel 1984.
9/11/2001: What did the government know and when did they know it?
Today in Stop the Insanity: Dairy cows get illegal 'boob jobs' for contests.
In the Battle for Hearts and Minds, Watch Out for the Psy-Ops.
BERLIN (Reuters) - Two zookeepers in a small northwest German town have been suspended and put under police investigation for eating the zoo's animals, police said on Friday.
Ouch!!! That's got to leave a scar.
6 October 2002
The Eleven Commandments For Controlling Your E-mail
Would you like to have a picture of yourself bathing with Jesus posted on his web site?
(Link courtesy of Val)
5 October 2002
In a ruling that could change fashions in Washington state, the supreme court there has ruled that "up-skirt cams" do not violate voyeurism laws.
New times call for new toys.
(Link courtesy of Jim)Driving while blind.
Winners of the 2002 Ig® Nobel Prizes
W A S H I N G T O N, Sept. 25— The U.S. military is exploring ways to use drugs such as Valium to calm people without killing them during riots or other crowd control situations where lethal weapons are inappropriate.
Stop kitty porn!!!
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Chessher 
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