| Our Story, continued... That evening at a friend's house, I remember Nicholas' foot sticking in my side. I kept pushing on it but he wouldn't respond. I thought to myself, 'yes, he's dead, but he'll be fine in the morning.' I guess it was denial. I figured that even though he was gone, he would wake up for me. I remember trying to sleep that night with my belly feeling so heavy-- so lifeless. The next morning was spent trying to get Nicholas to move. I ended up calling the hospital, and after trying for two hours to get him to move, they had me go in for a doppler to try and find his heartbeat. I remember the drive to the hospital. I knew in my heart that my baby was gone, but I was almost convinced that they could bring him back somehow. I was alone. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. Todd knew I was going to the hospital, but he thought I was over-reacting and that the baby was fine. I told him that if he didn't hear from me, to come to the hospital. I arrived at the hospital and was asked to change into a gown and get into bed. The nurse used the doppler to try and find the heartbeat. I practicallly held my breath so I wouldn't make a sound. All I could hear was the faint echo of my own heartbeat. The doctor took his turn and couldn't find the heartbeat either. So, off to ultrasound I went. I refused to look at the screen during the ultrasound. I didn't want to see my baby's lifeless heart. It was so quiet. There were three of us in the room, but not a word was spoken. Then the doctor came in. He asked to look at Nicholas' neck. Something was said about a big blood clot to the heart. Then I was taken back to my room. My nurse, who was 32 weeks pregnant herself, was crying. I remember telling her that she could not be in the room with me. I told her that I would be fine and literally tried to console her. All the nurses started to cry. The doctor's first words to me were, "Michelle, this is the hardest part of my job." I began to cry. All I could say was that Todd would be so mad at me. I thought for sure he would tell me it was all my fault. By this time the hospital chaplain had arrived. She asked me if I needed to call someone. I didn't want to call anyone, but she made me call my mom. I finally did and mom and I cried together. About two hours later there was a light knock on the door. It was Todd. He had no idea that Nicholas had died. He looked like a proud father, ready to do a little coaching. I looked at him through my tears and said, "Honey, I am so sorry. The little guy didn't make it. Please don't hate me. I didn't mean to let him die." Todd couldn't believe his ears. He came to me and held me right away. He told me that he didn't blame me and we cried together. The doctor decided to induce labor with cervical gel. The time was 6PM on March 14, 2001. The first night was pretty uneventful. I was doped up on staydol. My nurse had experienced a loss, so she never once left my side all night. She sat in a rocking chair and spent the entire night next to me. So did my inlaws. Todd also slept in a hide-a-bed next to me. I didn't really sleep, but I rested. I knew what I was in for. Day two of my labor started to get intense. There was an unwanted phone call from my ex-boyfriend and we had to assign security to my room. No one could come to my room without permission. I had a surprise visit from my sister, Kim, from Minnesota. I was so happy to see her. By this time I was experiencing the epidural. I hated it. It scared me. I felt as if I was being crushed. Nicholas was so heavy and I felt as if I was suffocating. Todd and Kim did their best to keep me comfortable. The dialation was slow so I was put on pitocin. After that, every time I contracted I threw up. Finally, at 11PM, it was time to push. I pushed and pushed and pushed and then it was midnight. I pushed and pushed and pushed some more and then it was 1AM. I kept pushing and pushing---2AM. I was so tired, but I kep on going. It's amazing the inner strenght you can find. I pushed until 2:30-- no baby. The doctor tried forceps, but only because my sister hunted him down and demanded something be done. The forceps failed. My doctor hung his head and told me that I needed a c-section. He had wanted to avoid this, he said, because he didn't want me to have a scar to remind me of this. But, why would I want to forget? This was my baby. This was Nicholas. |
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