| Our Story continued... |
| So, I was left on the bed in full labor with my epidural shut off. I was shaking violently and screaming---I couldn't do it anymore. My sister was furious. She hunted down the anesthesiologist and told him that pain management was important at this time. He complied and turned my epidural back on. Finally, I was taken to the operating room. My arms were bound as I was still violently shaking. Todd was next to me and Kim was in the observation room behind us. At 3:01 AM on March 16, 2001, Nicholas Anthony Armstrong was brought, very quietly, into this world. Nicholas was 38 weeks gestation. He was such a big boy: 9lbs, 6.4 oz, 21 1/2 inches long. He had brown hair and a dimple in his chin, just like his daddy. He also had his mommy's and his Aunt Kim's big feet. At this point I was pretty incoherant. I hadn't slept in 3 days. My memory is fuzzy, but I do recall Todd showing me Nicholas' footprints and the nurse showing me part of Nicholas' face while I was getting stitched. The nurse took Todd with her to wash Nicholas and clothe him but Todd got too upset and had to leave. I was in the operating room for another hour. My uterus had ripped when the doctor was trying to get Nicholas out so I needed some extra stitches. It was after 4AM when it was all over and I was wheeled to my room. I hadn't been there for more than a few minutes when the nurse brought Nicholas to me. I remember holding my little boy and feeling afraid to touch him. I felt as if he didn't belong to me. It was as if he belonged to the nurse. Kim held him and Todd's parents held him and some of my friends came in and held him too. My parents would not be there until the afternoon as they lived in Florida. When everyone else had left, the nurse asked us if she could take our picture. My first reaction was no, but I did it anyway and now I wish I had more photos. I never went to sleep that night. Every time I would start to fall asleep I would jump and jerk awake. I guess it was some sort of post traumatic stress or shock. I was so tired, but I just couldn't sleep. My mom and dad arrived around 4PM on March 16. My dad could not handle seeing Nicholas so he didn't stay in the room when the nurse brought Nicholas in. At first my mom didn't want to hold him. But she sat close to Kim whle she held Nicholas. Kim said, "I will never forget what this feels like." Eventually the grandma came out in my mom and she held her grandson. To this day she has a very vivid memory of what Nicholas looked like. I have to use photos to remember Nicholas' face, but my mom has total recall. My regret is that I didn't take more photos or study his face or explore his fingers and toes. I never opened his blanket. I just held him and stared at his face. I wish I had spent more time with him. I just didn't really realize that those moments were all I would have. Part of me supposed that the sooner I buried my son, the sooner I would heal. I wish I could go back and start over and hold him and study him longer. Nicholas taught Todd and I so much. His purpose in life is so clear to me now. He was put here to touch my heart and to teach Todd and I what true unconditional love is all about. I never knew love like that before and I will always be grateful to my little man. What a great baby to teach me something so incredible. ~ written with love by the mother of an angel, Michelle mommy to Nicholas Anthony Armstrong born silently March 16, 2001 and never forgotten |
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