Are you sick and tired of your dead-end job?
Are you looking for a career change?
Are you interested in further educational opportunities?
Have you ever been interested in the study of vampires, Transylvania, Count Dracula, and, of course, Brad the Impaler?
Would YOU like to become a vampire, and study their art of villainy? If you are, then you now have the opportunity to go...........
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Yes friends, you too can study the evil mystical powers of those lifeless creatures known as vampires.
At "Vlad's Vampire & Villainy uniVersity," you now have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study the almighty evil powers of the after-life, here in treacherous Transylvania.
At the uniVersity, our classes our offered for the sole purpose of sustaining the extinction of vampires throughout the world. Some societies and organizations have gathered to divulge centuries-old secrets pertaining to the life of the vampire. Thanks to news bulletins, trade publications, and pages on the world wide web (including the How To Kill Count Dracula" Page related to this site), these groups are using all known resources to aid in the elimination of vampires. We, at the VVVuV, in conjunction with the A.A.V.E. (Association Against Vampire Elimination), have reopened the uniVersity after hundreds of years to reestablish and revive the arts of the vampire. Originally, the uniVersity admitted all classes of people with that neck-biten desire to roam the earth with the undead. Over time, 3,200 vampires were created to "live" on this earth. The abundance of these creatures across the globe showed little need to keep the university alive. After the 15th Century, the uniVersity was closed to allow the vampires of the time to pass along their neck-biting knowledge to their own apprentices, on their own time, and in their own countries of origin. Until recently, when vampire elimination became rampant across the globe, this tradition continued. Now, with the recent need to revive vampires, the uniVersity has re-opened, under the guidance of Count Dracula himself (also known as Chef Brad Trudeau in America, where he "lives" under this assumed name).
Here are a few of the classes offered at VVVuV:
- Neck Biting For Necrophiliacs
- Knowing Your Cape and How To Use It
- How To Care For Your Coffin
- Blood Type Detection
- Verbal Vampire Communication
- Bat Metamorphosis (Flying Lessons Included)
- Wolf Howling 101
- Death Deterrence (Avoiding Garlic and Stakes, for example)
Here at the uniVersity, you will learn everything you need to know about becoming a vampire.
Upon your first arrival, our headmaster, Chef Dracula Trudeau, will address our newest pupils. Unlike most universities, your ability to become a "living" vampire will be very slim. With the expert use of cunning and wit, you too could proudly wear the cape of the vampire. Like a graduate in any field or profession, you could walk (or fly) with your head up high among the living (and the dead), with the knowledge and the capability of becoming one of the most powerful and most respected creatures on Earth:
a VAMPIRE
.
The second order of business on your first day of the uniVersity is the selection among 3 classes, based on your own personality. They are:
Bats - The most powerful creatures of the night. Small, but fast, with the ability to travel and fly quickly. Requires quick wit, easy maneuverability, an immunity to the affects of smoke (during transformation), and a flying license in the Country of Transylvania (World-Wide Validation).
Wolves - Very powerful, but quick on the ground. Very vocal and headstrong. The ability to defy opposing threats (especially human). Having a family member that "looks like" or resembles a dog verifies your family heritage, which is vital and very helpful during quick transformations, and in the understanding of these animals (which include begging for food and sticking your nose up ladies' skirts, like Chef Dracula).
Mindless, Brainwashed Idiots - Somehow, our headmaster, Chef Dracula Trudeau, barely avoided this most embarassing class of students. Before attending the uniVersity over 600 years ago, his father, the Duke of Dracula, knew of his sons short-comings in the cranial department. Worried that any son of his might become a mindless servant, the Duke hypnotized the current headmaster, and later paid him off in blood (2 gallons a month for the next 225 years). In this class of students, the most unworthy individuals are enrolled. Without the slightest hope of success, these soon-to-be mindless souls are bitten by the bats, hypnotized and brainwashed into mindless servants of those soon-to-be successful student vampires. No one ever gives mercy on their souls.
On the next step of your first day, all students will be assigned their vampire training kits, based on the training required in their select classes, consisting of
One black cape, with yellow "training" stripe down the center
Bat Cage (A home for "Bats" Only)
Dog Grooming Clippers ("Wolves" Only)
Autographed Copy Of Brad Trudeau's Autobiography "Neck Bites, Necrophiliacs and Me" (Mindless Idiots Only - After all you wouldn't want to decrease the number of brain cells in the minds of the SMART and INTELLIGENT students by making them read a boring book written by Brad, now would you??)
Picture of Chef Dracula Trudeau (Mindless Idiots Only)
Frozen travel-size meals, cooked by Chef Dracula (Mindless Indiots Only - even though they prefer bugs!)
Gift Certificates to the local restaurants and eateries, to avoid unnecessary elimination of hopeful students, by Chef Dracula's meals (Bats and Wolves Only)
"No Fear of Flying," by an unnamed author, a former graduate of the University of Witchcraft, in the Land of Oz, who is currently highly "involved" in the program at El Centro College.(Bats Only)
"How To Howl Like A Wolf," by Mrs. Chef Dracula, a.k.a. Brad Trudeau's wife. After all, Frankenstein has repeatedly said that she likes to "howl" whenever she's at his house. Of course, this occurs when Chef Dracula is moonlighting in America. What's a lonely wife of a vampire supposed to do?(Wolves Only)
One bottle of blood, to accustom yourself to the taste and texture.(All Students)
"The Easy Guide To Remodeling Your Transylvanian Town Home," by Bob Vila. (All Students)
Junior-sized coffin. (All Students)
Upon graduation, you will become a certified vampire!
Each member of the graduating class receives:
One "Official Vampire-Wear" black cape
A Town Home In Transylvania (Wonderful for Weekend Getaways)
Fang-Cleaning Kit
Red Silk-Lined Coffin
and.... of course.... your very own vampire license (A "License to Kill" even more powerful than the one carried by James Bond), certifying the completion of your courses at "Vlad's Vampire & Villainy uniVersity," similar to this one, of our headmaster, Chef Dracula Trudeau :
Just think, you could get out of your dead-end job, and become a vampire like Chef Dracula, too!
Our Headmaster, Chef Dracula Trudeau
Don't let this ridiculous look fool you - He really is an evil vampire (Yes, Really!)
DISCLAIMER:This web page is not affiliated in any way with Brad Trudeau's "BLT Enterprises," where the food quality is probably about as high as a 'B'acon, 'L'ettuce, and 'T'omato sandwich.
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See you next semester!