there is this eternal advantage to morals, that, on the question between truth and goodness, the moral cause of the world lies behind all else in the mind. it was for good, it is to good, that all works. surely it is not to prove or show the truth of things - that sounds a little cold and scholastic - no, its for benefit that all subsists. as we say in our modern politics, catching at last the language of morals, that the object of the state is the greatest good for the greatest number - so, the reason we must give for the existance of the world is that its for the benefit of all being.
morals implies freedom and will. the will constitutes the man. he has his life in Nature, like a beast: but choice is born in him; here is he that chooses; here is the Declaration of Independence, the July Fourth, of zoology and astronomy. he chooses - as the rest of the creation doesnt. but will, pure and perceiving, is not willfulness. when a man, through stubbornness, insists to do this or that, something absurd or whimsical, only because he will, hes weak, he blows with his lips against the tempest, he dams the incoming ocean with his cane. it were an unspeakable calamity if anyone should think he had the right to impose a private will on others. thats the part of a striker, an assasin. all violence, all that is dreary and repels, isnt power but the absence of power.
morals is the direction of the will on universal ends. hes immoral who is acting to any private end. hes moral - whose aim or moral may become an universal rule, binding on all intelligent beings, "the mercenary sacrifice of the public good to a private interest is the eternal stamp of vice."
all the virtues are special directions of this motive; justice is the application of this good of the whole to the affairs of each one; courage is contempt of danger in the determination to see this good of the whole enacted; love is delight in the preference of that benefit redounding to another over the securing of our own share; humility is a sentiment of our insignificance when the benefit of the universe is considered.
june 20th, 2002 -
if i know all my strengths and weaknesses, should not i be the easiest to overcome? a task in need of no effort, only presence.... i know what you hate, i know what you cant do, i know what gets to you.... i even know what you are capable of, of what you long for, what means the most to you... you dont need anything but yourself no army need be drafted, one person can conceive so much - and i, the equal to that, am here to fight... but if i am only an equal, does that not mean we will fight forever more? yes, i have the advantage of knowing who you really are - but you share that advantage the same... i dont hate you, you arent out of my control, but i should be able to understand you - predict you - stop you... i am the only one who has seen everything you have, experienced exactly all the same things so should not i be the one and only to fairly fight you? but again, why fight? neither one of us will win or lose... we know that answer before, did we not? see, thats what i am talking about! the waste of words and ink... god. but, did we find and discover this by arguing? or just bring it to our attention? oh, im dizzy. look at what youve done.
june 30th, 2002-
there is a time in every mans education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his protion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourshing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given him to fill. the power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what he can do. nor does he know until he has tried...
society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its members. society is a joint stock company, in which the members agree, for the better securing of his bread to each share holder, to surrender the liberty and culture of the eater. the virtue in most request is conformity. self-reliance is its aversion. it loves not realities and creators but names and customs.
whose would be a man must be a non-conformist. he who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind...
a foolish consistancy is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statsmen and philosophers and divines. with consistancy a great soul has simply nothing to do. he may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today. "ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood?" is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? pythagoras whas misunderstood, and socrates and jesus, and luther, and galileo, and newton, nash, and every pure and wise spirit that ever tood flesh. to be great is to be misunderstood...
the civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet. he is supported on crutches, but lacks so much support of muscle. he has got a fire geneva watch, but has lost the skill to tell the hour by the sun. a nautical almanac he has, and so. being sure of the information when he wants it, the man in the street doesnt know a star in the sky. his notebooks impair his memory; his libraries overload his wit; the insurance office increases the number of accidents; and it may be a question whether we have not lost by refinement some energy, by a Christianity entreched in establishments and forms some vigor of wild virtue. for every stoic was a stoic; but in Christendom, where is the Christian?
july 30th, 2002-
im afraid that im not supposed to be like this. like i was born in a land where no serpent kissed, and i have waited a long time for your hiss. i have felt that they'd all take offense of me, and so a fence i have built to protect the seed. but all the bricks will secure its mortality. i have been seated in circles and stood in disgrace, at the noted intention to be in place. and i have seen that one man saved the human race, but it took his life... and it took his faith. i have risen from ashes and fed on planes, and even so i still fear i have played a game. and it seems no one else is as sick and depraved. he's been promising me something more than pain. where the cost is grace, and my lost is gained. and i have chosen because there is no other way. i either wallow in shame, or humble myself and be saved.....
august 2nd, 2002-
i had never been in the place where i thought friends were better than my family. as fucked up and terrible as my family can be... i always loved them more than anything. i thought it was terrible when people chose their friends over their own blood. but isnt that all that family is? just a group of people who share your blood and were forced to live with you before you can even remember? they arent a chosen group, they arent replacable, you cant trade them in for anyone else. you are forced to live with them and that is where you get your first idea of what love is. before you even knew there was a difference between males and females, you loved all of you family dearly and innocently and selflessly. and you didnt know why. then as you get older, you pick the few that can stand to be near you in the mass of strangers... your friends. you get to pick them, sadly... you can trade them in. then, from trial and error... you find the few you love. i always have people worrying about me living in this house. to put it plainly, its not the safest or at all pleasant. i hate complaining, i am so thankful that we have the money that we do... its more than most of the world. i am grateful for so much... and that is why most of my friends come to me when they are having family troubles. the decisions that we have made, the different ways we all live our lives has caused great hatred and seperation in my family. and i have, more recently than ever, seen how hardly any of us accept the fact that you "have" to love your family. im sure millions of strangers would even be surprised to discover that we actually are related. related, what a stupid word. not related... be surprised to discover that we have known each other our whole lives. thats not relating, thats suffering. ask anyone of my 7 brothers and sisters... or my two "parents".... we do not relate in any way, we do not love because we are supposed to, if we do love; it is usually only two or three others. as depressing and disfuctional as it is... i always have to remind myself and take mental notes about how differnt i want my future family to be. every child says that, "when i grow up, im never gunna be like my parents" i hate being cliche... yet all i can do about this shit is learn from it and start a change. whether it be with my future husband, my future kids, or my future decisions... i have seen too much to repeat something that hurtful and relationship-less. i am a perfectionist and i am an extremeist... and i have wanted my family to be so different for so many years, that i know i will be as good in practice as i am in theory.
december 24th, 2002-
typical collection... things like this affect people everyday... inept descretion... how big could this problem possibly be... you didnt suffer all of this just to be alive... did you ever wonder how this would all turn out, if you were to survive... harden yourself before they see you crack open... all you have to do is force yourself to be as big as all these men... hurry up and get all of this weakness out... if you cant stop, he will give you something to really cry about... it doesnt phase me... it doesnt hurt me... you cannot see me... you cannot hear me... repeatedly claiming... your view on me will never, ever matter... but always naming... those whom i will notice when they watch me... that is the pure motive you have to hold it all in... you cant fucking bring yourself to let them or any of this weakness win... after time, it wont really matter what he did... but for right now, you have to keep all of those emotions carefully hid... whatever happens now cant really hurt you... but if you let them see any of your soft side, then you are through... if i overrun and melt... drops of things i cant say i felt... catching them with my own hands... hide it before it lands... it doesnt phase me... it doesnt hurt me... you cannot see me... you cannot hear me... i cannot feel me
p.s. dont expect me to treat this as a real journal. there is a difference between personal journal and website journal. the only reason i am semi honest is because of the pressure of openness that is required in friendship or to start one. none of this will mean as much to you as it does to me, but thats just because i am a selfish entertainer. the whole reason i made this website is to see how many of my true friends would read into it this much. and you have. so now do you want to email me to let me know, or are you too disgusted to continue any kind of a "friendship" we may have?
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