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The Charismatic Life and Tyrannical Times of Victor Von Doom, Esq. (Part THREE)
From last week's installment:
"Doctor Doom is [within the confines of his own peculiarly idiosyncratic 'code of honor'] Marvel Comics' most rigidly ethical super-villain"
Let's take a closer look at that particular supposition... shall we?
"The Alien, the Ally and... Armageddon!" [FANTASTIC
FOUR #116; November, 1971; Archie Goodwin, writer; John Buscema,
artist] was the concluding chapter in the months-long "Overmind" saga; one of
the top ten FANTASTIC FOUR stories ever written (don't argue; just read,
all right?)... and an amazing, one-of-a-kind explication of just what sort of
mettle everyone's favorite Mad Latverian Monarch is actually made of,
to boot.
As the issue opens, team leader Reed Richards has fallen under the mental domination of the aforementioned Overmind: an alien would-be world conqueror with the mental powers of "a billion billion brains" at his ruthless disposal.
" 'From beyond the stars shall come the Over-Mind," the bearded mesomorph grandiosely proclaims, by way of ancient interstellar prophecy; "... and he shall crush the universe!"
It makes one wonder -- well; while under the influence of particularly potent and cut-rate potables, at any rate -- what sort of quasi-self- fulfilling prophecies other comic book characters might cobble up for themselves, if only afforded the opportunity to decently do so.
To that disreputable and ill-advised end, then... I offer the following [provisional] oaths:
1.) "From beyond the land of Cancellation shall come the heroes of Marvel's 'New Universe'... and, lo: they shall sucketh mightily. Yea, verily."
2.) From beyond the land of Puberty shall come GEN 13 and WARRIOR NUN and LADY DEATH and DIVINE RIGHT. Because it's not like you're ever getting laid anyway, bunky."
3.) "From beyond the land of Image Comics shall come KISS: THE PSYCHO-CIRCUS.
"Christ knows but we're sorry."
4.) "From beyond the land of Image Comics wannabes shall come
EXTREME JUSTICE. Why aren't you kids out reading real books, f'chrissakes...?"
5.) "From beyond the stars shall come Rob Liefeld. Which explains
quite a lot, actually. Come to think, I mean."
Well... enough of my having a high old time, then.
The remaining members of the Fantastic Four (sans Sue Richards -- a.k.a., the Invisible Girl -- who has gone to rustle up some additional spandexed aid and/or assistance, muy pronto) launch themselves against the mountainous, malevolent sociopath...
... with results that are somewhat... ummmm... less than encouraging,
ultimately.
(... and, incidentally: doesn't that look as
if that's just plain gotta smart Our Heroes something fierce,
though? My laws, yes...!)
Sue shows up at pretty much the precise moment the Human Torch and the irascible Thing both slide their respective ways into nerveless unconsciousness, and attempts to sway her hubby dearest once more to the side of the four-color angels; and very nearly ends up getting boa constricted to death, for her troubles.
Well: the plucky Ms. Richards -- wisely hightailing her shapely self the holy heck outta Dodge, in this decidedly one-sided particular -- tries the Avengers; the Sub-Mariner; the Silver Surfer; the Incredible Hulk; Spider-Man; Daredevil... heck, blamed near everyone this side of Ka-Zar's kittycat, Zabu...
... but: No Dice, as the saying goes. Everyone else in tights within the city limits of NYC and then some is already busy with their own various and sundry crises and/or protracted, invitation-only knuckle-dusters.
It takes a sorcerous astral projection communiqué from long-time FF nanny-in- residence -- the truly repulsive- looking crone, Agatha Harkness (I've always wanted to point that out, in all honesty; I mean, the poor woman must've been bloody marinated in Ugly Sauce, somewhere along the line) -- to remind a sobbing and disconsolate Sue that there remains...
("I know, child. But there is one you overlook! One natural prejudice prevents you from turning to --")
... one option yet untried.
Well... I mean: come on, now. Would
that have been your next choice, under the circumstances...?
Initially finding her egress rebuffed by two burly, scowling gunsels posted at the gates of the Latverian Embassy --
("Our monarch sees no one, unless personally summoned by him,"
the moderately less cretinous-looking of the duo growls. I'll tell ya: must be pure hell for the neighborhood kids, trick-or-treating come Halloween.
I'm thinking Adorable, Whey-Faced Moppets Torn To Sobbing, Shrieking Shreds
By the Royal Hounds, here. I'm just sayin', really.)
-- the indomitable Sue bodily crashes her way through one of the keep's immense windows...
... and is greeted by a cool, level voice all-but-purring [Pick One]:
A.) "Your courage is admirable, Susan Richards... even when wasted upon a gesture of futility."
B.) "Dammit! I keep telling and telling and telling you blamed kids: I. Don't. Wanna. Subscribe. To. @#$%ing. GRIT, awright -- ?!?"
C.) "EEEEEEEEEK! A loud, scary noise -- !!"
D.) "Thirty-one-and-point-oh-seven minutes. I believe that
means the pizza is free, godless Domino's swine."
"Don't you see what will happen when we're finished?" a desperate Sue Richards implores The Not-So-Good Doctor. "The Overmind will go on to destroy the world! Ours...and yours!"
"I see only the end of enemies who have long thwarted me at every turn," the metallic monarch responds, evenly. "And I regret it is the Overmind's doing, not my own."
"Then I see I've wasted my time," a bitter and stricken Sue chokes, showing Von Doom her back. "The Dr. Doom I remember might be ruthless and cold... but he had honor and nobility, too. Instead, I encounter posturing and pettiness...
"... or perhaps just a man a little afraid."
(OOOOooooooohhhh. Major burn, Sue. Major.)
"Hold, Susan Richards," a stung Von Doom commands, in response. "Many demons rule Victor Von Doom... but not those of pettiness or fear! Very well: I am with you."
CUT TO: a not-quite-blissfully unconscious Johnny Storm... and a single, imperious, gravel-voiced demand that the fallen youth: "RISE!"
To say that the hair-trigger tempered Johnny Storm
(to say nothing of the even more mule-headed and combative Benjammin J. Grimm)
take readily to the notion of allying themselves with the ruling monarch of
all Latveria would be somewhat akin to stating that the lion and the lamb one
day took it upon themselves to settle down for a fast, friendly game of pinochle.
"Johnny! Ben! Stop!" a frantic Susan implores her teammates. "Dr. Doom is here because I asked him. This time he's fighting on our side... against the Overmind!"
"Girly," a flabbergasted Thing exclaims; "... ya gotta be outta yer gourd!"
Even so, however: it is the super-powered assemblage's second assault upon the combined might of both Reed Richards and the swaggering Overmind which manages to take out the former -- and stagger even the latter -- "Because this time, they are ddone under my direction... in keeping with my strategies!
"Turn your eyes from the Torch, Overmind...
"... DOOM approaches!"
[Cue Screams]
[Cue Organ Music]
Von Doom's potent combination of mystic might and technological wizardry manages to piledrive the Overmind to his massive, alien knees....
... at which point, the star-spawned uberconqueror -- in the immortal
parlance of the bone-headed lead guitarist from THIS IS SPINAL TAP -- "cranks
the volume all the way up to eleven."
At no point, it should be noted, does Victor Von Doom turn tail and flee, in tried-and-true super-villainous fashion.
At no point (again, one notes) does Von Doom attempt to wriggle his way into a beneficial (or even appreciably less dangerous) alliance with the Overmind.
Instead -- in the face of "the power of a billioon billion minds"; a psychic onslaught of sheerest psychic prowess that would leave stunted and blasted and withered the marshalled forces of every other Marvel Comics super-hero, combined -- Doctor Victor Von Doom yields not so much as one single, solitary inch of ground.
Right up until the moment, in fact, when he ends up getting himself stubbornly sledgehammered into that very same ground.
In willing alliance with his true, sworn blood foemen, mind.
It requires the last-ditch intervention of no less omnipotent an individual than long-time Marvel Comics cosmic buttinsky the Stranger to drop-kick the o'erweening Overmind elsewhere, ultimately; and it is left to a battered and bone-weary Ben Grimm, at battle's end, to ask (of no one in particular): "I don't wanna sound like a sorehead... but: what the heck happened?"
"It's over, Ben," a shell-shocked Sue Richards manages to murmur, at deadly length. "But... poor Doctor Doom..."
"... needs neither your pity, nor any thanks you may proffer," the proud monarch declares; ragged, yet unbowed. "This night, a cosmic drama was enacted... I played the role assigned me [...] but it is ended, and Doom plays no more.
"When next we meet, it will be on my terms... in my way...
"... and it will not be as allies."
In other words: the man known and reviled as Doom only proved absolutely pivotal in saving the whole wide world, entire, is all.
Put that in your clay pipes and smoke it, anti-Von Doom naysayers.
Next week, we take a look at the underlying evidence of our third and final Doomsian posit; to wit:
"Doctor Doom is Marvel Comics' most coolly calculating and dangerous super-villain."
Be here.
Many demons rule the plush nemesis of mankind (and despoiler of womankind) known as "Unca Cheeks"... but not those of lateness, or sloth.
Usually.
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