So, the last time we were with our heroes, they had just defeated Homo-Bill Gates and started their own computer deal. They also got to chill with the famed ICP...
We now join our heroes in thier hometown of Imperial, MO and it's somewhere close to Christmas. (What kind of shitty holiday is that? It's based on a man who doesn't even exist, and you never get the present you really want. Like all that Ninja Turtle shit you asked for for like four years in a row and maybe just maybe got half of it all) Sorry, that weird fucking rant was an accident, back to the story...
Well, like I said, its about Christmas time and some truly weird shit has happened. For instance, in Canada, there's been reports of reindeer maulings and fly-by bombings. Well, not one of the JULI members watches the news so they hadn't heard about it. It has to get back to them all by word-of-mouth, and eventually it does. So they've got to go check it out(superheroes, duh!) And as it turns out the one, and now only, time they decided to fly in a plane some dumbass decides to bomb the motherfucker. Well, shit, now they've got to walk like.... hella far. Oh, wait, the dumb bastard who bombed the plane is still there, at the scene of his crime. "What a dumb shit!" says Mr. Ice, emerging from the wreckage. "Yeah, if you're gonna bomb something, run away afterwards," says the suddenly appearing Alderman. "No, dumbass, he means he's dumb cuz he bombed us... right Ice?" says The Mole as he pulls some seats off himself. "No, no, Alderman's right." "Ah shit!" So, they try to find out who it is but it's really dark and shit so they can't see shit. Ah, but of course the boys in the JULI come ever prepared. Cpt. Oblivious has this really powerful flashlight in his utility belt(Haha Noll, you wanted the fucking cool utility belt and shit but i gave the motherfucker to Cpt. Oblivious and you ain't never gettin it!) Huh? where was I? Oh yeah, so Cpt. Oblivous shines that big fucking flashlight up into the vast darkness and after a while spots the fucker. "Wha... that looks like a sleigh" "Well, Ice, if you weren't such a dip-shit you'd know that's exactly what it is." (You see, Mr. Ice, AKA Zach Noll is a fairly dumb bastard and it will probably take him roughly a minute to figure out that I just burned him!) BLAM! Shit, sorry, while I was pointing out how dumb Mr. Ice is, our heroes just got bombed, but it's going to take a lot more than a sissy bomb to kill them. In retaliation, Cpt. Oblivious flies his lazy ass up there and up-ends the sleigh. "Whooooooa, umph, little bastard mother fuckers," says the evil villain(who, for some reason, cued up some ominous music from out of left field when he talked.) "Hey, ain't you Santa?" asked The Mole( who is ver child-like in nature and probably thought Santa was really real up until last year. ) "Yeah, who the fuck wants to know and why?" "I thought you was 'sposed to be all jolly and shit.... fat too, " responds The Mole. You see, it appears that Santa isn't fat at all, indeed it seems he's skinny, anorexic even. "Yeah, that's all one common misconfuckingception." "Well, why have you suddenly started turning your reindeer against everyone and bombing people and shit?" inquires the intelligent(yeah right) Cpt. Oblivious(for all those who actually know me, just let me have this one, ok?) " Cause I fuckin can you dill-hole!" Cpt Oblivious and Santa start to talka nd for a while it seems as if they might actually talk it out. But in reality it's just a distraction for Mr. Ice, The Mole, and Alderman to surround him. "MOP, haha!" says Mr. Ice as he slaps Santa in the head and as the other two rush Santa. But before they can get to him, Santa kicks all three of their asses with some ninja-like moves. "What the fuck was that?" asked Cpt. Oblivious as he picked them all off the ground. " Uuuh.. ninja-like moves?" offers The Mole. " No, MOP" "That's a... uh... sound effect," replies Mr. Ice. Well, now the most important thing to do is kick some Santa ass. So Alderman uses his super speed, but Santa just ninja-jumps his ass and he's booted by Rudolph. It looks like he'll be out for a while. "Wait, time out!" calls Mr. Ice "You can't just call a time out in the middle of a fight!" "The hell i can't! I can call it anytime I fucking want." So, they group up and work out a strategy. "All right, time in!" says Mr. Ice as he kicks Santa in the head. And while Santa's reeling, the rest of the guys jump 'im. Well, that wasn't exactly the best strategy was it? 'Cause they sort of forgot about the reindeer and apparently reindeer can fight... ok, they can kick. Those little motherfuckers got the best of most of the members. But not The Mole. Oh no, that little chicken shit dug a hole and ran like a bitch, saving himself. Bastard. Oh, so anyway, it turns out the hole was really a trap 'cause the only thing at the bottom was a Rubber Ducky. The reindeer have prodeeded to blow up, (right now at this very moment in the story, Weird Al's song "The Night Santa WEnt Crazy is about halfway through, where the hell is the stereo?) sending itty-bitty pieces of Comet, Cupid, Blitzen and all the other fatherless pieces of shit everywhere(hehe I just called them bastards all sophisticated-like) Finally, it's been roughly three minutes now and our heroes are back and standing. "What the fuck did you do that for?" "'Cause they kicked uslike I'm gonna kick you," Alderman says as he mule-kicks that Santa bitch in his mouth. Santa then fell down, or at least it looked that way, he reeally just did one of those ninja-flip dealies off his back and now he's standing again. OUr heroes finally realised that they cannot fight this man hand-to-hand, of course this revelation came after they tried again and got the smack layed down on them. So once again they begin to think, which isn't any one of their strong points, and they came up with a fairly reasonable idea. "We've got powers right? Let's use them," ah, what a great idea. Cpt. Oblivious uses his mind-powers to lift Santa up but Santa's got a surprise of his own, control over the landscape. Our heroes just found this out 'cause a mountainous hand just bitch-slapped Cpt. Oblivious to the Tropic of Cancer. Alderman blasts it with his Eye-Blast and it crumbles. As he turns to blast Santa he gets clocked with a giant ball made of rocks. Mr. Ice looks to stick out with his Bomb-Pop routine, but a monsterous hand shoots out of the ground and flies after Mr. Ice. Luckily The Mole is in this hand and he nabs Mr. Ice before he gets squished. BLINK, it sounds as if Mr. Ice has had an idea of some sort. It seems he's gonna start freezin' mad shit. Now, everything's frozen except Santa and Cpt. Oblivious has come back and speared the motherfucker right in the back, knocking him to the ground. With him there, The Mole runs up and bites his ear off with his Platinum Grill(ok, I know it sounds sick, but it's The Mole and he does weird shit all the time). So now, Santa has only one ear and Alderman runs up and starts throwin' wrestling moves out on him like he's nothing. While Santa is stuck in the Figure-Four-Torture-Rack-Whatchamacallit-Whozit-Thingy, Cpt. Oblivious has made shackles for our not so jolly friend. They fly him back up to the North Pole, where they find all the elves have been holocausted and shit. Mr. Ice also finds Santa's super-hot MILF wife. So now it's time to destroy Santa. They shackle him up to the roof of his own house and make a mini A-Bomb to drop on him. While the rest of our heroes run back home, Cpt. Oblivious flies really high up and drops the bomb, screaming all the while at Santa, "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!" As this is happening Cpt. Oblivious hears Weird Al's "Christmas at ground Zero" playing. "Hold on, stop, who the hell is doing that?" "It's me," says the JULI's good buddy Travis Wheeler, "I'm the DJ!" So the bomb is dropped, big explosion has happened, and Alderman has sucked up the fallout with his Super-Lungs. The world is saved blah blah blah blah.
Now our heroes can go home and relaze with the women-folk, except Alderman 'cause he uses his right hand . They've saved the world for today. As for Christmas, it still exists, but there's no more pretending there's a Santa
PEACE OUT MO-FO'S...
