November 12, 1997
Dear Chuck,
I know words of love to you now will not have any meaning, nor will
they serve any purpose other than hopefully giving me some solace in
trying to reconcile myself to the emptiness and void I feel within my
aching heart and hurting soul... where a piece of my essence was torn
from me in your death. This agony I shall have to forebear for the
remainder of my time here on earth. And not only I, but your Mother,
Terri Ann, Tony and all the others who love you dearly.
Our grief is intensified by not knowing the reason for your decision...
and I'm sure we'll always be asking why... and I am equally sure we'll
never know the reason, because you carried that with you. We all understand
that life here on earth is full of ups and downs, that life sometimes seems
so unjust... but we all maintain hope of a better day, while praying and
trusting in God.
The only thing known most assuredly is that you have escaped the trials and
tribulations of life in this low ground of sin and sorrow and now your
spirit, your soul, has transcended into the very presence of God Almighty...
a loving and forgiving God. While we know you are in a better place... a
land of no pain, suffering or sorrow, a place where only angels are allowed,
we do find some consolation... but not enough to offset the pain and agony of
having living flesh torn from our hearts and souls as in your untimely death.
Chuck, I probably more so than any of the others, know where you were in your
life... the feelings and thoughts you may have been experiencing... feelings
and thoughts of being rejected, of being unworthy and unloved, of being
unneeded and unwanted, of being a total failure in life. And yes, after
your Mom and I divorced, I slept with a shotgun in my bed... only I was never
brave enough to raise it to my chin and pull the trigger... even though I felt
that surely my whole world had crumbled into a million pieces and life would
never be worth living. But then, I would think that someday you, Terri Ann,
Tony or one of the grandchildren might need me... and I wouldn't be there for
any of you.
Now, Son, my heart is full of remorse that perhaps you needed me and I wasn't
there for you. This guilt I shall carry with me to my grave. Maybe I could have
spoken to you the words that would have changed your mind... maybe I could
have given you the encouragement you needed... maybe my just being there would
have been enough, but now I'll never know.
I know we have had our differences of opinions in the past, but Chuck, that
never diminished the love I hold for you in my heart. You are flesh of my
flesh, bone of my bone... you are very much a part of me and I of you. You
were conceived in love, born in love and raised in love... whether you realize
that or not. You were my first born male child, worthy of all that I am or all
that I hoped to be; and you were christened with my name.
Memories of you from the moment of your birth throughout childhood and
adulthood have always been in my mind, near and dear to my heart, just as
memories of Terri and Tony are. I recall once when you three were upset
because you weren't allowed to do some things other children were doing.
I sat you all down and tried to explain that because you were my children
and because of my love for you, all of you are very special. I shall always
feel this way! I never hesitate to tell anyone who will listen how proud I
am of my kids and I speak of you all with a heart filled with love and pride.
Chuck, I'll never know what stormy sea of life you were sailing upon, nor the
magnitude of the storm you were enduring when you determined life was no longer
worth living. I do feel that with patience and prayer, whatever storm clouds
had gathered around you would have dissipated and the sunshine would have come
shining through, as it always had in the past. Son, God in lovingkindness and
mercy, never allows us to suffer or endure beyond our ability to withstand.
Nonetheless, you made a decision and it's final.
Now, I can only hope and pray that your soul shall rest in eternal peace. That
you have found the happiness, peace and joy for which your soul must have longed
and hungered. My prayer is that you do now stand in the presence of God where
the very groanings and the moanings of our heart are heard and accepted as acceptable
worship in a more reverent manner.
Daily I shall praise God for allowing me to know and to be with you for such a short
season here on earth. Your memory shall live with me daily in the deepest of love
for the rest of my life. As it has been said many times, I know you shall never
return to be with me; but thanks be unto God, some day in the sweet by and by, I
can come to be with you.
With All My Love Forever,
Dad
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