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 21
August
I start the first entry of my new
electronic journal very late at night. Or is it early in the
morning? Well, it's nearly half past 3a and I've been charged
with an idea for a website that Master and I have dreamed
about making. We love to learn and share information about
the D/s and M/s lifestyle, and a long time ago figured what
better way for two writers to express their thoughts and ideas
than on the most popular medium known today: the internet.
For some time now I've tried to
keep up with a regular journal. At times this task is extremely
hard, I have days where I just do not want to write. Yet from
experience I know that having this outlet to face my feelings,
to spill my inner thoughts, and to reflect upon the days that
are shaped by living life as a slave is theraputic. I also
seem to develop a dedicated following, and get pounced when
I lag on updating. Sheesh. :) Some of the most joyous moments
of my life have been recorded carefully into a log similar
to this one. Realizing the submissive nature that lies in
my soul, discovering more about the aspects of the lifestyle,
training, meeting the One who would collar me as his own,
moving to a full time M/s relationship with him...
This journal is for a lot of things,
from a log of daily events to special moments. I cannot promise
that it will be updated every single day, for I have about
three different journals. My hope is that here the reader
will get a glimpse into the normalcies and the not so normalcies
of this moment by moment lifestyle. The question I am asked
the most is, "What is it like?" I have lots of friends
whom I met on cyber grounds having to do with bdsm and a few
who keep in regular touch. (You'll prolly hear them mentioned
in this journal at one point or another!) They are curious
about the transition that Master and I made to a full time
relationship, and that is another reason we started this website.
Another reason for this journal is to let our readers know
who is behind the webslave. You'll find I'm not a mindless
creature *smiles sweetly* and you'll see what a challenge
Charrick has everyday to Master me! heehee :)
I woke up this morning at around
11a, and the first thing I always shuffle for is the kettle.
I'm not a morning person. I go so far as to loathe mornings.
When tea is made I came into the computer room to email Master,
to check on other mail, and organize my day. I had a plan
to follow, needed to clean up and be ready to go out by the
time Master came home from work. Of course I also said good
morning to a couple of good friends, hope and meshell. I cleaned
up the kitchen and picked up some things in between conversation...
then got into the shower.
During the shower I was thinking
about recent plans. Master and I currently live about 30 minutes
south of the Canadian border in Washington State, and it is
a dream of ours to be able to move to Seattle. We both would
like to be closer to a city with something to do. The area
we live in is nice, there's just not much to do and not many
friendly types around willing to talk to strangers. (A favourite
of mine! I can't help it, I grew up smiling to people passing
on the street and saying hello...) Seattle would be a perfect
medium between our families, close yet far enough away that
they would have to call before coming over. (I don't particularly
want to remember the time when Charrick's mother came over
for a surprise visit and we had the second bedroom, fondly
called the dungeon, decked out with S/m toys. My heart still
hasn't quite fully returned back into my chest after that
day!) The past few weeks have been filled with job searches
and apartment hunts.
I am a graphics designer, am told
that I do decent work with my artistry. I also adore writing,
and love to spend my free time creating. I have but one full
time job however... I am a slave. For medical reasons I am
unable to keep up with a 40 hour work week and so have trouble
keeping a "regular" job. It does hurt sometimes,
not being able to help Master financially, yet I am living
my dream. I am a slave to the One I love, and then one day
I'll be a mother to his children... it may be old fashioned
but I find joy in the simple things of life, and have never
found a place among the competitive races of the business
world. Give me a family... a man to adore... let me feel like
a prized treasure in his eyes... along with that, give me
a mountain and eagles over money any day, I can see far more
wealth in nature than in money.
After my shower I finally got around
to stretching and some exercising, got dressed, and was ready
to go out. After he got home, Master took me downtown where
we had some official business to take care of at the IRS.
I'm filing for basic insurance with Washington State, and
needed a certain form from the IRS that shows I make no money.
Got that, and then went to a mexican restaurant for dinner.
The evening was spent quietly,
Master installed some more memory into his computer and it
runs so beautifully now. He was especially impressed with
his favourite game, EverQuest. (Let me tell you all, it's
a fun fantasy game.) After some teasing and fun I laid him
down to sleep, and then came out here to start work on this
idea. I am a night owl, and honestly I think I do some of
my best graphic work when I'm up late. I talked a bit more
with hope who told me about her day since I said good bye
to her earlier. I also caught up a bit with a dear friend,
sunbeam (have y'all guessed I use nicknames and not real names?
rofl all of the people I've mentioned so far are in the D/s
lifestyle to their own extent).
Now reading back over the day's
events it doesn't seem like we're much different than your
normal vanilla couple. Maybe it doesn't seem like M/s at first
glance, I know I'm a very free spoken woman... but we are
a very traditional couple who share many formal overtoned
moments as Master and slave. We are
also a fun, young couple who enjoy being relaxed and sometimes
even down right silly. We make it up as we go along, there
is no script...
Master's control over me is defined
by a very simple imagery. There is a cage around my heart.
There is an unbreakable bond that connects me to him at all
times. Every day I look up into this man's eyes and my heart
still melts, as if it were the first time I ever gazed into
his soul. We've been together for nearly nine months now,
and there is never a moment that I don't feel his influence
over me. There is never a moment that I doubt who controls
me. I live very freely under his control, for this is the
way we both find our fulfillment. If I stray too much with
that freedom Master knows how to pull me back to him.
And that's my two cents for today.
22 August
Okay well... it's late... and I promised Master
I wouldn't stay up all night like last night. *smiles sheepishly*
sooooo I shouldn't make this very long. I did want to include
some of my journal entries form the past few months, since
Master has collared me, to show my journey thus far... so
I think I'm going to paste in a very beloved story about a
Dragon... I actually sent this as an email to my friend sunny
(sunbeam), so it'll be easy to cut and paste. *g*
Some of you who I know read my journal will
have read this already... but well, it's an awesome story
so it can be read again. :) And now, on with the story. *grins*
First of all, let me say, that all my life
basically I was taught to be a prim and proper type, an excellent
example of a young lady… (all my friends' parents were like,
“Will you teach our kids some manners too please?” rofl) Now
who would have guessed that underneath this clean-cut, mostly
shy around ppl persona laid a creature that thrives off of
pain and pleasure? Someone who enjoys the thought of being
whipped, bound, and tortured… the thought of *gasp*
rough sex… (omg I said the s word, lmao)
of fulfilling my wildest dreams, being helpless under someone
else’s control…
It seems like night and day live within me…
the two “personas” are so vastly different, and Master expects
me to be a lady…. his lady. This wild sexual creature that
lives within me is what I have called a sleeping dragon. It's
the easiest way for me to separate her into another beast..
She has laid dormant in me for years and years, breathing
fire into my wildest fantasies. Now… with Master in control,
she’s being awoken. It’s a scary thought for me, because she
has always seemed so out of control. Well okay, maybe I can’t
control her; that should be the Master’s job, of course. And
he does have her on a tight leash, as I have learned. He knows
what to do with her even when I don’t.
Around mid june I had two veeeeeery strong
experiences in subspace that relate to this dragon.
The first time… Charrick and I were playing
around. Some chocolate pudding was involved. LOL Afterwards,
I was all dazed for some reason… (sorta
like that foggy eyed thing you get after good sex ROFL)
so I curled up into Master’s arms and suddenly I was in a
trance like state. His heartbeat thumped in my chest…. And
I could feel hot breath on my right shoulder. I was shaking;
I was scared for the first time in subspace… usually I have
such a calm happy feeling. But noooo I was so frightened that
I know I was crying. I could feel it. I just wanted to hide
into Charrick. I could feel his grasp become stronger at times
when he must have felt me shaking.
That hot breath… I turned around and stared
right into the blazing dark eyes of a dragon.
She was huge, she was powerful, she was commanding…
...and I was a liiiiiiittle itty-bitty person.
*shudders remembering it*
She tilted her head, and stared right through
me… until I hid again. (Curled up more into Master lol) So
she crawled around, and made me face her once again. I don’t
know if I was really crying at this time, but I was for sure
in my mind. She was there, I couldn’t deny it. She wasn't
sleeping, she was wide awake and wanting some attention.
Nothing much came of the encounter, I couldn’t
be persuaded to reach out to touch her or anything… though
I did wonder if I should. I never could have gathered up the
wits at the time though.
The next day… I was feeling so good that I
became like a playful kitten. Master was on the computer,
and I wanted his attention. Soooooo I made it known *eg*
He called me to him, and whispered into my
ear to go into the bedroom and get three toys.
*perks*
Soooooooo I got three floggers *weg*
The suede, long tailed, and horsehair…
He had me sit on the couch and wait for him
to come out… so I sat there with the suede draped over my
legs rofl
He came out, and went to the kitchen danget…
got a wooden spatula *grumbles*
(I don't like wooden implements at all) and stood me before
him. Both of my breasts ended up with bruises, I got a few
penalty shots for not being able to stand still. lol
Afterwards he smacked me into the bedroom
and onto the bed. He stood over the side, and started a long,
wooooonderful flogging. All up and down my back side, from
my shoulders to my legs. I started to very slowly drift away
this time to the pain. In the beginning Master wanted me with
him for a while so I would feel this for all it was worth…
he got hard in his strokes and had me whimpering, burying
my face in the pillow… and kept me at a level of being able
to respond to his questions clearly. Everything along my back
side stung… and the feeling it generated inside was soooooo
very powerful.
That dragon was waking up… I could feel her
stirring.
The last thing I remember of the actual flogging
was Master allowing me to go deep… chiding me to look inside
and float away. And there she was… The first thing I saw was
her eyes. And out from the shadows she crept, right up to
me. It was dark all around, no setting; I couldn’t even tell
if I was standing on a proper floor. I didn’t much care… she
stood tall above me. Daring me to not look away, to not hide.
And I was frozen there… until she reached out a… claw. I didn’t
shrink back, though I was telling my feet to run… runrunrun…
but would they listen? Nooooooooo
She pulled me to her, and slid the entire
length of her back underneath my chin. I was surprised. When
I had thought I would feel a coarse surface, all I felt was
the softness of her skin caressing mine. It was like having
fur rubbed underneath your chin. She wrapped her body around
mine, then came back to look at me in the eye. Not a word…
maybe I didn’t understand her language… who knows. But she
coaxed me up on her back and took me for the most glorious
ride through the air.
The only thing I can remember is that flying
on wind currents is very different than say flying in a plane
through those currents. To feel supported by only wind… or
okay, by a dragon too… is very awe-inspiring. Then the last
thing I remember… was stopping in front of Master. He had
his hand out. The dragon slinked to his side and curled up
dutifully.
It took me quite some time to come down from
that subspace, not sure how long. But I stayed in a daze for
the rest of the day. Was wide awake, yet only half there in
conscious. That night I slept hard… and woke up at 11a the
next morning.
The day after that I had this idea and motivation
for a set of graphics... the triangles that you see for the
main graphics in the west wing here.
Then.... about two weeks later the dragon
resurfaced.
Here's the journal entry:
8 July
It’s almost 1a… I need to figure something
out that happened tonight that has now left me with a shaky,
uneasy feeling. It’s so late and I don’t feel awake nor sleepy.
I know I’m very premenstrual and very close to the edge of
my emotions, all 512 of them. There’s so much… and I wish
my heart would stop thumping in my chest. I feel frightened,
I feel unsure, and unaware, all my senses seem to be heightened
to a new level but they’re all useless to me at identifying
anything that’s going on. I so wish Master was awake right
now. But then again, I’m not sure what I’d be able to say.
Lots happened tonight.
We were sitting on the couch together,
he had gotten back from the store and I had finished up some
rearranging of my clothes. Master looked like he was deep
in thought, and I asked him what was going on in his head.
After hesitating a little he replied that
he was thinking about spanking. He was laughing, and I pressed
for more details. So he gave them up; said he was thinking
of two butts up in the air. It was quite amusing to him.
Meanwhile... I was thinking... "two?"
I was a bit uncomfortable with the thought...
neither of us really want to "share" each other
in that way.
In my own level of submission I think the
thought forced me "up" a bit, egging me to feel
more in control of myself, to assure myself that it really
wouldn't happen. Plus Master was playing around a bit. He
was pinching my nipples – and I am very sore when I'm this
close to my period. It sent searing pain through me, the type
where I involuntarily raise my hands to protect whatever hurts
and to stop whatever is hurting me. Then he got more playful,
and went on to do something that I cannot stand. He pinched
my cheek. I absolutely hate that. It made me grab at his hand
and push him away (physically). I actually looked up and growled
at him. I mean really growl. He saw it as a battle of strength,
and pressed forward to get to tickle me. I tried my best to
push him away, still in a weird sort of headspace that was
fighting for some control. I didn’t know… I feel bad, because
if I feel like this I’m supposed to let Master know somehow.
He pinned me down to the floor, was tickling
my side, then leaned down and actually BIT my butt hard enough
to leave marks. I gasped and the words of surrender flew out
of my lips. I just wanted this to stop. My nature wanted to
take over but there was a wall blocking it. The battle inside
my head was dizzying, and I didn’t even know it was happening.
It pulled my attitude down into a sort of sulky pout. Not
a playful, cute pout. A real one… I’m not even sure what Master
could have done had I been able to portray what was happening
inside. So I went into the bedroom, laid in the bed… and just
sulked. I don’t like being bitten; it plays on a fear of having
my skin pierced. If it’s soft I can handle it, and I know
Master enjoys doing it. Sometimes the animal instinct takes
over in a major way. But this hurt. I could still feel it
afterwards. So I pouted… Master came into the bedroom and
sat beside me. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry. I knew my
hormones were going nuts and I didn’t know what to say. I
felt like a toddler right before a tantrum would be thrown.
So he went back out, and then called me
to him. I didn’t want to go out there. Until he started counting.
Eeek… so I shuffled out and eventually stood in front of him.
Honestly, I don’t remember right now what was said when we
were there. He was in his chair, and I was standing before
him. I think maybe he asked what I was thinking.
After a couple of minutes, without permission
I just went back into the bedroom. I covered myself with the
blankets. Master counted some more, and I turned over. That’s
when he came in, tossed the blankets aside and spanked me
a couple of times. Then he went to the drawer and pulled out
a wooden spoon. I tried to hide… (ewwwwww... side note: I
am SO afraid of wooden implements) He yanked the blankets
down and told me to turn over. I soooooo did not want to.
He won of course and I was soon on my tummy being spanked
with that dern thing. Owwwww… He spanked so hard that I turned
red fast, and couldn’t control my movements. Finally he stopped,
and called me back out to the living room. I stood there in
front of him, feeling like a chastised little child, swimming
in the middle of a murky pond unable to reach any definitive
side. (The sides being submission, or otherwise?)
He told me what my mistake was: leaving
him when I did not have permission to do so. I bowed my head
and tried to talk myself into backing down. I knew I was fighting
something, and needed to calm down. All I could concentrate
on was how much my butt hurt, and it was a type of pain that
came with no pleasure. Don’t like that kind at all. Master
carefully chose the implement because he knows I fear and
loathe wood so much. Usually punishments are not physical...
but I think he was just looking for a sharp attention getter.
That for sure grabbed my attention!
We sat together on the couch for a little
while longer… me just curling up into him. I wanted to hide
into his side. He asked a lot what I was thinking, but I was
on such a surface of feeling what had just happened I wasn’t
realizing the depth of turmoil happening inside of me. I wonder
if Master could tell something was up and just didn’t know
what…?
Afterwards, we went into the computer room
here, looked around online a little. I was in a daze, neither
here nor there… still in limbo it seemed. Until Master decided
I was tired. Maybe I was, I didn’t know much. We laid in bed
a little. He teased me, I teased him… and he brought me to
a strange orgasm… very quick and almost empty. I wasn’t behind
it; my body tensed and almost ached like a rubber band about
to snap. Suddenly…. I was gone.
I was in a dark realm. It was hot. Then
I focused in on a pair of shining rubies. Gems? Then they
disappeared for a second, and reappeared closer… even more
full of flaming color… okay they weren’t rubies… it was the
eyes of my dragon. She was mad. Her body was writhing, she
was restless and pissed. Her breath heated the area we were
in. Her demeanor evoked fear from me, but also confusion.
This beast had let me ride her before, I shouldn’t be afraid.
I looked up at her and shouted out, “what is wrong??”
Her head snapped around right to me and
fire darted towards me. I ducked but was in the middle of
the flames. How’s this for the irony: the flames froze me
to the ground. The dragon walked up to me, rising to her hind
feet and becoming a giant in front of me. I actually wondered
for a second if she was about to eat me or something. Her
body swelled like a cat’s hackles rising… and she gave a very
angry stare down to me. She was so wild, so unforgiving of
something. Master was nowhere in sight to be able to control
her, back her down. Her leash hung freely down her chest,
taping gently across her scales as she “puffed” out.
I started to cry… and again I shouted up
to her. “I don’t KNOW what you want!”
Well, she wanted to be satisfied. I knew
that much. But what would attain that end? What truly pleases
her? I thought this particular beast thrives on sexual energy.
Is there something else that is tying in with what happened
this evening? I’m starting to think that this dragon signifies
something more… is it everything wild inside of me? Gawd…
I honestly do not know at this point.
I came crashing back to reality with the
sound of Master’s snoring. My body jerked into real time.
There was no angry dragon standing over me. But there were
tears streaming down my face and I was shaking. I’m surprised
Master didn’t wake up. I got up, and left the room. I couldn’t
sleep. I couldn’t stop shaking, and I didn’t want to wake
Charrick up.
I don’t know what to say. Maybe the dragon
is just so pissed that the sexual build was so long and teasing…
and the release was so quick. lol I don’t know if there’s
any merit in trying to tie everything that happened tonight
together. Ugh… I’m thinking too much aren’t I…
Maybe I should just try to get to sleep.
It’s nearly 2.30a.
After I had finished that night’s entry, Master
wandered into the room. I swear, about five minutes after
I had saved the entry! lol I looked at him as he sat beside
me and said, “Master, I feel confused.” And it started a long
talk about what happened that night.
He helped me to realize something.
That dragon is me… it’s all aspects of me.
She mirrors all depths of my soul… the parts that I have kept
hidden for twenty years.
After treating her like that for so long he
made me realize that I cannot control her any more. I shouldn’t
want to either, and have to trust him to do so. When I give
over to the power that the mystical creature has, life is
intense and full of passion. Just as I have always dreamed
it should be. It was a strange lesson, scary at times but
in the end, I made peace with my dragon. She is not a beast,
but... as Master says, a beautiful creature which has many
jewels of life to show me. I just have to trust that Master
is in control of her. This powerful creature chooses to submit
to One. It has made me realize just how strong I am.
And now... it's off to bed for me. Night night
everyone. :)
23 August
Okay... it's late again as
I start this. Oy... today was a strange, introspective day.
It is actually past bedtime, but I have been having a long
talk with a good friend of mine about some heavy things...
I get paranoid about bedtime
because I'm so bad about getting sleep. I can stay up all
night if I'm in the right mood. I have a hard time falling
asleep or even feeling sleepy until late, LATE at night. It's
not fair. Master asks that I be in bed by midnight... or at
least, not to stay up TOO late some nights. He knows I have
a huge problem with this, and I'm not sure if he knows how
to help. The thing is, my sleeping is so messed up because
of an illness that I still battle. I'll write more about the
illness at another time, don't want to go into it now... but
for right now I will say that it was serious enough to threaten
my life, and to throw off all of my natural systems. Like
for instance, I don't get hungry on my own... it takes a rare
instance to be hungry or craving something. My sleeping patterns
are just very strange. Then again, I've always been a night
owl...
Okay, anyway... on to a better
topic, so then I can go to bed.
Today I did a lot of reflecting
over where life has taken me. How I learned about D/s and
bdsm... how I took my first steps in real life... then went
online to put a name to the activity my heart was called to...
and now how life has pulled me back into real time. Honestly,
it's funny how online becomes so trivial. There are a lot
of practices online nowadays, and what some people are calling
submission and dominance is mind boggling. At least to me
it is. I'm not trying to be judgemental, honestly I'm not...
it's just this is my journal and I can rant all I want. lmao
There are a lot of practices
that one "should" follow online, like the capping
of names and pronouns that belong to dominants, the referring
in third person to subs/slaves... the titles "Lord, Master,
Sir, Ma'am, Mistress" to any dominant out there... the
"serves" that some would perform... the idea of
a "training collar" and training... (and I don't
mean the formal training... most dominants out there now a
days seem to think they are worthy of the title "Mentor")
...the supposed "perfect behavior" that would be
expected out of a submissive. Honestly.... none of that applies
to real life. LOL Okay, this may seem harsh of me, and I admit
I used to fall to those practices before when I didn't know
better. But I have been growing out of it, with Master's help
and guidance. I used to refer to myself as "this girl"
and the like... now it just seems silly. I've never heard
that offline. Up until recently I still capped anything having
to do with Charrick... but more and more I'm finding out that
there is no real reason behind it.
One of the main reasons Master
and I decided to start this site is because we want to share
with those who want to listen about what it is like to live
this lifestyle. There is a difference, a HUGE difference between
acting it out online, and living this full time. For some,
cyber fulfills what they need and if so, then great... all
the more power to them. But for many who reach a certain point,
they realize that there is a lot more to this world than you
could ever imagine online.
Even the idea of a contract...
online most think that one document is supposed to bind the
Master and slave (or sub, I use slave though cuz it's familiar
lol) for life... when in reality contracts were meant to only
be a designated period of time, and they are meant to change
as the relationship does. Why am I bringing up contracts?
Because, I have a little story to tell about my own personal
growth and realization of what is real. To me at least. :)
In the beginning of our relationship,
Master and I made up a contract defining just what we expected
out of each other. And after a while it turned into a beautiful
document full of love and devotion. We left it open ended...
and got very detailed about restrictions and behavior and
the like... it served its purpose for the time. Every weekday
morning, I had a ritual that included reading over this contract.
(The ritual continued with stretching and exercising... it
was to link the words with how I felt about my body... to
help boost my self esteem.)
This morning I got an email
from Master asking me if I had done that ritual.... and I
replied:
Hmmmm...
direct answer... no I haven't done the exact ritual. I've
stretched Master... but I kinda know the words of the contract
by heart now LOL Maybe the ritual has changed a little bit...
but I do still do stretch. Actually I was thinking about this
as I played the dead can dance tape.... (my
fav to dance to lol) It was my idea
to link the contract with the stretches, and it served a purpose
back then but now it seems horribly redundant... and also
out of date in a way. I've been reading that contract every
day for so long....
When I started to think about redoing the contract was when
I could nearly recite the entire thing lol it seems so much
of it now is... um... what's the word... I dunno what word
I'm looking for.. but when we first started making up the
contract it was with submission and not surrender in mind.
We were still learning about each other and how we could fit
with one another... Maybe I'm thinking that the first contract
we signed was the intial asking... and really, we've accepted
those roles in each other's lives and have gone beyond that...
in real life contracts were never meant to be lifelong scenarios...
that is a collar... and no matter what I wear be it around
my neck or ankle or wrist or finger... my heart is collared
to you, always and forever. Contracts were signed for a certain
amount of time, six months or so, and were with training in
mind... and then could be renewed if the nature of the relationship
were changed... because of the basic nature of the lifestyle,
that we are forever growing and changing. I think I'm looking
for something more simple and profound to express the nature
of our relationship. Maybe it can't be done on paper. When
it comes down to it, there are no words that could properly
convey it all.... it's a feeling that I have for you, Master.
Like I said in that journal entry... my heart is surrounded
by a cage. It is the strongest steel that could exist.
Is this a change in thinking? In a way, yes it is... because
being your slave in real life, being able to look up at you
and to see myself shining in your eyes... well, it's contradicted
nearly everything I knew about life before. That includes
the online world of submission. I learned nearly everything
that I knew about "etiquette" online... until I
started to apply to real life. Some actions are just so disenchanted
for me. I LIVE who I am, I am your slave in heart and soul....
I am not typing these things out and role playing... your
slave is who I am.
I know what sparks my heart.. and I know that a contract was
a good idea at the time, because we needed to define exactly
what we wanted out of each other. but I wear your collar..
my mind is always filled with thoughts of you... YOU dear
man, are my Master and control my heart and soul. I have made
a pledge to you to remain by your side and at your feet for
life, and for eternity beyond. You know that no matter what
I call you, be it Master, Charrick, Sir... Beloved, Love,
hey you... LOL I love you... I have loved you since I stared
into your eyes and i will keep on loving you always and forever.
I think you've noticed... the whole practice of capping pronouns
is even getting to me. Where is the reality in that? We are
real Master... every breath taken and every emotion felt...
we are real in our devotion and love, and in surrender and
mastery...
Ohmigoodness... LOL where did that come from? ROFL that must
have been bottled up in me for a while. I think it's with
this website Master, I want so much to portray the real nature
of dominance and submission... of mastery and slavery... we
have such a jewel of a lifestyle that has been... pardon my
language, bastardized, by online practices... the more I see
it the more I get mad and the more I want to shout out what
is REAL and what is fake. And the sad thing is that most of
the online games are taken as real.
We deal with hard issues in our lives, we push... we grow,
we learn, we stumble, we learn more, we trust, we love.. we
love hard.. we trust even when reason tells us not to.. even
when fear takes over.... we still trust each other.... and
every day we uncover more of the depths of our souls and find
more and more that we lie within each other's hearts. I love
you, and belong to you completely. Always and Forever Master
love,
willo
Okay so I changed a couple of things (like
real names to nicknames lol) and omitted things that would
just confuse the outside reader... but you all get the point.
That is what my mind has been focused on. Reality. Growth...
learning. These things I need to survive. Like so recently
I am getting over a major psychological trauma with something
that happened in a session. With Master's help of course I
am feeling better about what happened and myself, but I'm
not quite ready to write about it yet. Another time perhaps.
And now that it's 1.30a... bedtime! LOL (watch
me change subjects quick!) Night nite. :)
7 September
I looked up at the last entry date, and winced.
I have been on heavy medication lately, and well... have plainly
not been myself. The pills are strong doses and are hard on
my system, which means life has been anything but normal lately.
Master has been very lenient on the rules as my body was adjusting,
but is now trying to pull some normalcy and order back into
my life. The past couple of weeks have been stressful, starting
with something I wouldn't dare touch before.
I hinted in the last entry about a psychological
trauma yet did not have the courage to face it in writing.
Instead it's been lurking around, haunting my thoughts. What
happened, is a bit complicated... and yet, it isn't.
Master had just come home from work. I was
kneeling at the edge of the carpet as usual to greet him.
I wore his green collar around my neck with a scarf hung from
the middle "d" ring. My attire (or lack of) set
the mood, and Master took a hold of the "leash"
and led me back to his chair. One thing led to another and
Master ended up pushed me to my hands and knees. With the
scarf still attached this put me in a position of great danger.
Neither of us realized anything until it was too late. The
scarf underneath me was being pulled until it tugged on the
collar, and was choking me. I found myself frozen, unable
to respond to much. I couldn't even manage a signal to let
Master know something was wrong.
We talked and talked... for weeks actually.
I cried a few times over this helpless feeling I had. Not
helpless to Master, but helpless to confront my fears. I felt
horrible that else was something controlling me. After many
talks, we finally revealed a reason behind the panic I felt.
I suffered some choking treatment from my biological father
growing up, he used to wrap his hand around the back of my
neck and squeeze. Hard. Until I was gasping for air. Having
the same feeling froze me, and took a lot of coaxing and calming
from Master before I felt comfortable again. The experience
was horrible, but we both learned a very valuable lesson.
I learned more about my hard limits. Some people do like asphyxiation,
but I do not like the feeling of fighting to breathe. It's
fighting to live, and I cannot translate that, or anything
else on the same level of force, into anything sexual. I learned
to be a little more aware. I learned that I need to find a
way of being able to express that something is wrong when
the ability to speak is hindered.
It took such a long time to get over that
feeling, although I have not put that collar back on and I
am pretty hesitant about leashes. But slowly we're both working
on my fears.
I do have more to write about, but perhaps
for another time. It's 4.30a, and I am going to get ready
for Master to awaken.
8 September
It's nearly midnight and I just got done cleaning
up a bit. I know Master wants me to write a bit about what
has happened in the past few days... he wants this journal
kept up on and has let me know in no uncertain terms that
I am going to be more obedient to him. Why you ask? well...
lately since a lot has been happening in life I've gotten
a little "lost." A major change was seen in my behavior,
I was so drugged up that I don't remember half of it honestly.
I was retorting to a lot of the things Master said, hardly
obeying orders... was barely keeping up on my journal (in
fact not at all in the past two weeks), my moods were very
drastic... that sort of thing. I had been allowed to get away
with all this on account of my health. The only thing Master
would diligently keep up on was how well I was taking care
of myself with eating and resting... and of course, medication.
So when my behavior went further and further
downhill it was becoming aparant to both of us that something
needed to be done.
And then one night, as I was weaning off the
meds... Master took me over his knee. I had missed it! And
happily laid there for a nice session of moderate pain and
much pleasure. However, the pleasure side was teasing. Teasing
BAD... yet stopped short of release. Master wanted me to ask
for what I wanted. Now I tend to be very easily embarrassed
when it comes to talking about sex! (imagine that! LOL what
I mean is: I canNOT easily talk dirty... it goes to the point
of humiliation for me)
So... instead of telling Master that there
was a problem, my mood just shifted horridly from a happy,
bubbly type to a dark and withdrawn type. I hardly talked
for the rest of the night, and never got my "reward"
because I wasn't able to ask.
The next day, I spent the entire time ticked
off! I kept myself in a robe (when Master likes to have me
half nekkid... now I've gotten to the point where wearing
clothes does feel weird rofl) and was withdrawn still. Until
finally Master put his full attention on me. He stood me in
front of him (as he sat on the couch) and tried to make me
talk. Instead I could only fume more. I was letting my anger
cloud me so much that I couldn't even admit to myself what
the problem was. I didn't clue in about the connection of
my mood shift and the "asking thing." I just knew
that I didn't get what I wanted and was a might bit ticked.
Now, Master is Master... he decides what his
slave gets and doesn't get. And though sometimes it's harder
than other times I still surrender to him willingly.
But I had been allowed to get away with more
and more increasingly over the past couple of weeks, so I
felt a bit unchecked by both of us.
Thankfully, the phone rang and I got out of
this confrontation. Basically normality (or what was normal
recently) resumed afterwards... and I got to the point where
I was so cranky that Master finally put me in bed. I wasn't
tired, I couldn't sleep... I just sat there. I felt soooo
young! Like a punished child that's been confined to a certain
area, her bed, and was told not to move until Master would
come and get me. Thoughts of leaving the bed entered my mind.
Once I thought of going over to the drawer of Master's toys
(the "forbidden to slave" drawer) wondering if he
would hear it opening... I thought of creeping across the
room to get a book to read. I thought of creeping outside
to get something to eat even! These were not normal thoughts...
I was just trying to think of something that would give me
a reaction! I wanted attention, I can see that plainly now.
When usually I am a refined lady, a cherished slave... I think
I felt a bit like a neglected child. Not neglected in a dire
way, I had love, the necessities to live... but I wanted more
attention. I resented the attention the disease was getting.
So much like a child I had reverted to thinking
of simple ways to get that attention back on me. At this point
I didn't care if it was good attention or bad... attention
was attention.
I sat there for a long time. In the dark.
Finally, my mind began to slow the thoughts of bad behavior,
and took a look at why I was so cranky lately. I finally clicked
with what I was feeling. Tears streamed down my cheeks as
I thought about everything, the way I had been acting... everything.
Over an hour later I crawled out of bed, my
eyes finally dry. I was hungry... and I went for the kitchen.
Master was just coming to get me. Yet still, I found myself
silent. I don't know what blocked the communication. I was
just having a bad time. :(
That night, as Master laid sleeping in bed
I wrote him a letter that I would have hoped he would see
before he left for work. I started to apologize for my behavior
and let him know that I was finally admitting something was
going on, and that I needed to talk with him. The next day
I found out he didn't read it, so I had to email it to him
at work. He never replied to it... instead I was left in silence
for a couple of hours until he came home.
When he finally got home we had a long talk.
I ended up in tears, apologizing for my behavior and trying
to explain some things. Master has a way of controlling me
very physically when we are talking like this. It makes it
easier on me for some reason. He will only let me look up
at him, won't let me fidget... he will bring my reality down
to a short space where only he and I exist.. his control,
and my surrender. I love it, and so badly need it at that
point. And so we talked and talked and talked... and worked
through the things that have been hindering us lately.
Master also said it was time to get me back
on track with more than just my direct behavior. It was time
for me to get back to journaling. He also, as a surprising
move, took away my bedtime. With a stipulation. If I'm awake
after he goes to bed (which is almost always) I have to be
doing something "productive." Which means laundry,
or cleaning, or catching up on mail, or writing, or journaling...
something. Not chatting... lol
That night I also had two tasks to complete.
First I had to write out what I had done wrong. I needed a
way to let go of everything that happened and I believe it
had done the trick. This actually seemed like the first ever
real punishment I had gotten from Master. I have been assigned
tasks before but mainly just for discipline, not punishment.
This was to correct a very wrong-doing. It was horrible to
write out such a thing, my heart sank sooo far. But it helped
me, and us... and now I feel a lot better.
The other thing that Master had me write out
was a vow to him. This was hard, harder than I ever had imagined!
I feel a lot for that man in my heart and soul... and yet
have problems conveying the very depth of it all in words.
This is what I wrote:
************************************************************************************
Always & Forever
A promise made on this dark starry night...
to love and obey; to surrender with delight.
From my heart to yours, I make an offering
of the soul. I give to you, Master, my surrender. I yield
with love, and serve with honor. For it is my greatest wish
to make your life complete, as you make mine. And as I lay
my heart, body, mind, and soul gently at your feet, I am yours.
Owned, always and forever.
************************************************************************************
It was the best I could put into words.
And now, things are much better. I'm even
done with one of the meds I was on! (yay!) Life has been simpler,
no more horrid confusion in me... and Master has reclaimed
his property, me. While I agree that things should be limited
while I'm not very well, I still have to admit that I greatly
need that order in my life somehow. It's the thing that no
matter how bad the outside world seems to get, I still know
that I am a loved and cherished slave, that medium always
remains the same. I think Master knows it now too, it shows
in his actions. I'm still on medication, started a different
kind today... but that isn't the focus of my day anymore.
It's the weekend, and we had a nice day. I
slept a lot last night, and did a bunch of cleaning today.
Master played his game, and for dinner we went up to see his
mother! I adore her, and I think she was so grateful to have
the company. Plus she wanted to see her son, yesterday Master
had an allergy attack and I ended up taking him to the doctor.
But he's okay, I'm okay, we're all okay... and life is good.
And with that, I'm going to close this journal's
entry.
10 September
Well I missed last night's journal cuz I was
passed out. heehee Master and I shared in a WONDERFUL session...
one that had been weeks in the building! I had written about
finding uneasy ground with Master's green collar, and the
leash thing. Well after weeks of processing fear, looking
at the nasty emotions, a couple of crying sessions and lots
of talking... I finally felt ready to move on.
I was feeling absolutely freeking fantastic
not being so drugged up all day. The pills that I take now
are at night, and I usually sleep through the effects. So
I'm much more alert during the day. Normalcy still returns
to our lives... and yesterday was a nice lazy sunday. I did
some laundry and straightening up, went shopping while Master
rested, and then after dinner we both got in the shower together.
*eg* I had just shaved and washed my hair, and we were soaking
under the hot water... when suddenly an idea struck with the
peace that I felt in my heart. I got out of the shower, letting
Master finish up on his own. Meanwhile I dried off, went into
the bedroom and put on a black see through babydoll dress.
I lit some candles around our room, put some music on (Dead
Can Dance... mid eastern music and wonderful for setting a
scene!) then as I heard Master get out of the shower I knelt
on the bed, holding the green collar in my hands. I was shaking
even holding it. I hadn't worn the collar since that day a
few weeks ago and in fact had kept it hidden in a drawer.
(The "forbidden to slave" drawer)
So the fact that I knelt on the bed offering
Master the collar and my bare neck meant a lot to both of
us. It was hard, I really had to control my fears still and
talk myself into breathing continually... but it was so worth
it. I needed to show myself that fear doesn't rule me, my
Master does.
Master stood beside me for a little while,
looking at me, and at the collar rested in my hands... until
he finally took it and started to pull up my hair. I leaned
forward, and held up my hair as he clasped the collar around
my neck. I breathed in deeply... very deeply... feeling my
neck fill the space bound by leather, then convinced myself
to relax and breathe out. Then Master saw that I laid two
scarves out at the bottom of the bed, in front of my knees.
He took one, and blindfolded me. Before he took the other
he gently pulled me off of the bed and had me kneel on the
floor. There he tied my arms behind my back with the other
scarf. Bound, he guided me over the side of the bed so that
my chest was resting on the mattress... here I rested comortably.
I felt the cool air breeze against my bottom as he lifted
my dress. He put the material into my hands, silently telling
me to hold it up.
Then I heard his belt jingle. A zip of excitement
rang through me as I felt it run across my bare skin. The
very feeling of leather lulled me into a gentle, floaty sort
of space. It was a weird paradox... so much pleasure that
was coming from an instrument that can deliver so much pain.
Sting it did, and a few shots to my thighs rose welts that
I can still see. Despite the floating, the sharp pain accompanied
by my own conscious efforts I managed to stay at a coherant,
functional level. I was aware of what was being done, and
know that my sense of feel and my hearing was heightened from
having my sight blinded.
Master then took out more toys, he tied the
belt around my chest and looped it on my back. That was incredible...
I could feel the restriction with each breath. Yet I wasn't
fighting to breathe... he also cuffed my wrists together.
Next what I felt was a variety of floggers. The horsetail,
the suede, and the long tailed whip. I relaxed into the bondage
and melted into the pain - moaning, squirming, and sometimes
flinching from the sting. It felt so good, I even forgot about
the collar around my neck... couldn't feel it in the slightest.
After some painful shots to my right side I moved out of the
position as much as I could manage. That is when Master brought
out the chains. He wrapped them around my legs and somehow
I knew I was supposed to keep my legs out to the point where
I was holding the chains taught. The other chain he tied up
my back somehow, I think he connected it with the belt and
the chains around my legs. The cool feel of the chains sharply
contradicted the warmth that my back side was feeling. The
bondage had Master's energy pulsing around it, in time with
my own heart beat. The whole thing was wonderful, the slave
laid there bound in sweet surrender. Master continued the
flogging, and this time invited me to let go, to float further
and further... deeper and deeper.
I was lulled by a flash of silver. Suddenly,
I was in a large airy tower. I could see the structure, the
walls had an iridescent glow to them, yet the tower was see
through. Torches were lit and shackled to the walls, lighting
a staircase. A spiral one. It crawled along the insides of
the walls and stretched upwards into the night sky. Outside
laid a billion stars, twinkling brightly. I started up these
stairs, ankle cuffs attached and chains rattling behind me,
announcing each step made as I journied up.
My beautiful dragon flew aside me but on the
outside of the structure, ascending towards the stars as I
climbed beside her. Then she was gone, and in another instant
was right beside me again. This time on the inside. She dove
down the open center of the tower, then poked her head back
up just beneath the steps I was on. Her red eyes flashed like
rubies, twinkling just as the stars do. And she breathed hot
air up my back. The warm air current melted me even more,
and then suddenly I felt like I was on fire. She had teased
with a breath of fresh... fire. And then placed her claws
over me and scraped against the hot tender flesh.
Then the next thing I knew I was on the bed
in Master's arms. I was sooo safe and serene. The light was
on. I was trying to gain my focus back. I couldn't speak.
Not yet. I could barely move. I could barely see. I was thirsty,
and I remember Master helping me hold a cup to my lips. I
slept haaaard last night, after what turned out to be nearly
a 3 hour session (from 8p until almost 11 when I laid back
down) I was exhausted... but sooooooo happy. Today I was floating
all throughout my day. I was aware to the point where I could
stay coherant, did a bit of writing in my session journal
(basically what I wrote here, just a lil more.. erm, detailed
lol) and heated up pizza for dinner. Tonight I've stayed up
all night writing... I sent a couple of emails to friends
that asked for honest opinions. So I gave them what they asked
for. May not be what they wanted to hear, but oh well. I worked
on this journal... and on the website a little. I just want
to do one more writing sometime soon... I want to write a
post to the BDSM list about trust and expectations. I might
include my post somewhere on my writings page... :) but for
now, I'm going to close this entry.
 11
September
Today is a day that will remain frozen in
the tears that many shed. A world-wide tragedy struck at nearly
9a this morning when a plane flew into the World Trade Center,
the first of many deliberate terrorist attacks on US soil.
Though the attack was directed at Americans, this threatens
the safety and peace of the world. I am so, so very saddened
by what happened. My mind just boggles, I still wait to hear
about friends and family who live and work in New York City.
Master was a huge support. I am angry, sad,
confused... not necessarily an American Patriot yet will always
condemn violence. Charrick was my rock. He held me through
everything. He even spent a long time on the phone with me
this morning from work when I was breaking down in tears,
after watching the twin towers crumble to the street.
I have never prayed so hard in all my life.
I don't want this to become the description of the day World
War III started. No matter what we call the Creator, be it
Allah, God, or Zeus... no All Mighty would ever condone violence
in His name. My heart feels shattered.. but even more afraid.
I wonder, what happens next...
and very simply... why did it have to happen
in the first place?
My thoughts and prayers are with the victims
and their families.
12 September
Another day of confusion. I spent the night
wide awake and could only work to keep my mind off of what
happened. Though it hardly worked. I've never felt so "in
limbo" before. And though I never condone violence...
I want to see some justice for what happened. I'm angry that
this hit so close to home. I'm upset that this would happen
ANYWHERE on earth. I want to see the world unite against terrorism.
I want to see a new planet come together to realize that we
are ALL of the same race...
I had to stay awake for a long time, Master
had to get to the clinic this morning for some blood tests.
Tomorrow I need to call and make him an appointment at an
allergist, and also call a local social services office about
getting medical support for myself. Then I have another appointment
on Friday at 1p.
During the day I mostly slept, was knocked
out and didn't even hear Master come home! Woke up at around
5p or so... spoke on the phone to both my mother and Master's...
tried to call my family in New York again and still was refused
connection. I made a pasta dinner, quick and simple... and
then talked with hope on the phone for quite some time. Poor
thing is stuck in Denver unable to get home because of airport
closures.
Tonight I'm going to try to get to bed sometime
before sunrise... just have to wait to settle down a bit again.
13 September
Today went by rather fast. I actually slept
until 1.30p! Ack... my sleeping habits are soooo strange!
I immediately got dressed and went out to pick up Master from
work, I'll do that sometimes so he doesn't have to walk home.
Nice slave that I am. :) Aside from that we also went up to
the main city this afternoon to get the social services office
to get some forms to fill out. There are a loooot of them!
eek..
Tomorrow is the doc's appointment. I've actually
made out a list of symptoms that I still go through, and winced
as I saw how long that list actually is. It's not fair, two
years later...
ugh
new subject
I did some jazz singing tonight. :) I found
an old tape as I was cleaning out this shoebox of different
cassettes I have, and sang along to Ella Fitzgerald and Etta
James... good stuff.
Also did some cleaning up.
As a point the tv wasn't on too much today.
The news stations are still showing the same old footage and
nothing new seems to really be coming across. I'll check again
tomorrow morning I know, but I'm tired of watching the planes
crash and the explosions. I want to know what's going to happen
next.
It's around 11p now, Master went to bed not
too long ago, and I am winding down for the night. I've gotten
so much sleep lately and I'm still tired... yet not sleepy,
danget.
15 September
It's Saturday night... I'm a little worried
because Master hasn't been looking very well and his poor
legs have been stiff. (Leg cramps are among some of the worst
in my mind) Both of us are a little weary lately, with our
health, with things going on in the world... what can I say,
but "bleh"
Yesterday I did go to the doctor, and spent
over two hours there. I'm going to be starting on a new prescription
(yet another). But the good news of the day was that I convinced
the doctor to order what is called a "western blot"
test. It is one of the most specific tests known for lyme's
disease. This is what the East Coast Professionals use to
confirm that a patient has lyme's. This is the test I should
have gotten two years ago. Lyme's is the best I could come
up with two years ago after looking around on my own. It explained
too many symptoms that I have to not raise some eyebrows.
But I realize that I'm no doctor. I wonder what will happen
after this test comes in. I'm not sure if I want to know.
It's scary, and sometimes I feel like the biggest baby in
the world. Sometimes it even makes me afraid to bring something
up with Master. I'm afraid I'll end up bawling in his arms
again... afraid that he will start to roll his eyes and think,
"not this again." I start to wonder sometimes where
my sanity has gone. I mean, life would be so much simpler
if I could go out and get a job, and not have to think that
I can barely plan activities a day in advance for the uncertainty
of my health. After all this time... I still resent it. I
get mad, at the doctors who were testing me two years ago,
at the doctor who is now testing me... at the medical system
as a whole. I don't know where to turn. Master tells me over
and over, "you are not alone..." and yet... this
is the one thing that I feel I have to battle uphill all the
way, and by myself. How in the world do I let Master into
this dimension of my life? Sure he sees the outside illness
that I go through, but there is so much more to what I have
to live with. I feel badly for Master actually... I wish I
could help him help me, because I know he desperately wants
to.
I sat with a piece of paper and a pen the
other night to list what I could remember at the time for
my current doctor. I nearly started to cry with an entire
page filled with a list! And reading over those symptoms,
it almost seemed unbelievable, and probably would be if I
didn't and don't live through it. There's the pain and general
malaise every single day, I have rashes that itch until they
burn, I have muscle weakness and lack of energy - severe fatigue
at times, I have a sore throat every morning and nausea that
I have to soothe back down, I have violent behavioral changes
and mood swings with no tangible reason behind them, I have
not slept on a regular schedule in years, I get stiff necks,
I live with dizziness and my equalibrium is drastically thrown
off, I have pain around my eyes, headaches that develop at
nights, sometimes I feel like I just can't get enough air
in my lungs, my chest hurts especially after being ill and
always feels tight, I do not become hungry on my own, I go
through chills and hot flashes... and well... isn't that sick?
And so yes, when my first doctor announced
that I must be depressed and that this whole thing was in
my head... I got angry. I was mistreated, and the very fact
that I had to fight my doctor to even listen to me was a devestating
blow to the soul. I thought that my current doctor wanted
to help me but it seems he's lost patience for me as well,
and just keeps on giving me pills to combat the nausea and
stiffness... not really looking at the problem. I feel like
I'm always walking uphill and trying to battle something I
can't see. It's not right that I feel like I have to battle
my health care workers. It's not right that the disease isn't
understood.
Little by little I am hearing and reading
about more who are being mistreated the same way I was and
am... and this just makes me more mad. Why is the medical
system so insistant on ignoring this disease and the severity
of the long term effects?
It was actually suggested to me that I should
seek a lawyer's advice. I thought about this, wondering if
there could be any gain from this avenue. I thought about
the others who have been just like me, and others worse off
still yet because the disease wasn't treated properly. This
one heartbreaking case was that a woman is now an invalid
after trying to survive for years on what her doctors prescribed.
It would break my heart to see Master have to care for me
in that way. I can't let that happen... and these nightmares
have been plagueing my conscious. And knowing how much we
struggle for money at times, and how expensive medical care
can be in this country... yes the thought of sueing had seemed
a bit satisfactory.
Master tells me not to worry about these things,
that he will take care of me. And I believe it... but it kills
me to think that I can't help. Somehow I would like to..
*sigh*
I'm going to work on writing a post to a lyme
disease newsgroup in hopes that it reaches someone who will
be able to help. All I wish for is someone who understands
this disease, not a bunch of asses who know not what they
talk about.
Okay, enough ranting... I've more than filled
my quota. I've more than filled my quota on ranting about
this for life :(
OOOOOKKKkkkkkk what else has happened? Well...
I stayed up all night and slept for a good while into the
afternoon lol Umm... went out and got the new prescrip filled.
Had a nice little walk with Master downtown. Went food shopping.
Fun fun I know. lol
Oooo, and tonight I've redone the look of
this journal page. I like it, think it's purty. :)
It's getting on 2a here... and I want to work
on that post to the newsgroup some more so I'm going to close
this entry.
16 September
The truth is that it's 17 Sept. lol I've been
busy nearly all day (well all afternoon and evening) with
writing emails to people that run lyme disease support groups.
I got a good answering to my post last night on the newsgroup
with lots of suggestions of where to turn.
Also today I cooked up a nice hearty breakfast
(at nearly 4p lmao) and watched an evening movie with Master.
But the major emotional event of the day was
talking with him about my health. He's a little concerned
with the replies I'm getting from my post - those telling
me what I should do to get well. (Well I can completely understand
him getting a little on edge about other people telling his
slave what to do. lol) I think he's trying to get me to release
a bit more control of my health, and wants to come to the
doctor's appointment next time. He knows that giving up this
sort of control is very hard. I trust him with my life, yes...
but for the longest time I've had to battle anyone and everyone
when it comes to my health. Most of all I have to battle myself
- because it takes some convincing to tell myself that I'm
not crazy after being through so much. Surface value I know
I'm not crazy, I know I'm chronically ill... but I try to
make excuses for myself a lot and really push myself to do
things that I shouldn't. Master's trying to tighten his control
to not let me do the things that I shouldn't... and I am grateful
for that. Honestly first he needs to read up a little more
on Lyme's to understand it (it's hard, there is a lot... I
don't understand nearly enough myself) but I would love to
have him at doctor's appointments. As I've said before, it's
hard to not feel so alone at fighting this.
Handing over control of my health right now
is handing over control of one of the most intimate vectors
of my soul. I've taught myself how to close up very well and
can become quite a wall. Master has extreme patience for me.
I told him today, "I'm sorry I can be so difficult."
lol And I can be at times, I know it. Giving up control comes
in many levels, it's fascinating to watch it all unfold.
17 September
Monday evening, almost Tuesday actually. 20
more minutes to go. I should be trying to head for bed soon,
I need to be up early in the morning for a trip to DSHS, the
social and health service building. I'm going to try to get
some cash assistance and help with medical bills. Hopefully
this will work, I've been turned down for Basic Health Insurance
already. (Insurance thru dshs would be better tho)
Having some more money come in to help us
would take a lot of stress off of me. Plus the stress of not
having to worry about where the money will come from that
pays for prescriptions and such. Will be a huge worry off
of my mind.
Today something funny happened... well I woke
up at around 2p lol and turned on the tv... watched a speech
by Mr Bush, then came in here to check mail. The internet
wouldn't connect, and it looks like it won't be on for another
week. Soooo Master and I get to do the quality time thing
together! lolol In a way this is a blessing, because he can't
come home and turn on his game. We sat on the couch and cuddled
this evening, made me feel wonderful. Unfortunately poor Master
still isn't feeling well. I am going to try to remember to
call his doctor tomorrow. So I have a few things to do...
I hope I can get to sleep.
21 September
In the past few days I have been in a lot
of pain, and been doing a lot of thinking. I know, usually
that's a bad thing. lol First of all, the latest pills I was
on did a number on my insides. I'll spare the not so nice
details, but to give you an idea - it feels like a stick of
spikes were being pushed through my tummy and intestines.
Not nice at all. In fact a couple nights ago when we tried
to make love I ended up in tears because of the pain. I think
the greater disappointment for me was not being able to come
to release like Master commanded. This may seem silly, but
it hurts when I can't do something he wishes... (not that
I won't, but I -can't-) ...I felt extremely bad about the
whole thing. So Master told me to stop taking the pills. I
called the doctor afterwards and he wants me to try something
else, but I'm getting to the point where I don't want to just
try out any little pill and hope for the better. I've been
through that for years, so with Master's support I'm not going
to go on anything else unless it's antibiotics.
Plus I'm premenstrual and I want chocooooooooooolate!
But the pain and all has been the reason I
haven't been writing for the past couple of days. I have been
sleeping off the rest of these pills (detoxing!
fun... nooot)
Another thing... thinking... well I've been
looking back at daily life and wondering why I am sometimes
left with an uneasy feeling. Master and I have settled into
each other so comfortably, that ritual and routine has lacked.
I was trying to think of some sort of compensation, like the
welcome home ritual. Now more often than not I go and pick
him up from work instead of waiting for him to come home.
I don't so much as miss the kneeling before him, because I
still do that a lot. I miss the formalized interactions, the
good feelings that springs up. I think we're moving into another
stage in our relationship... how to keep D/s moving smoothely
after the initial transition is made. We've gone far beyond
the initial transition, I know that much. We started moving
into changes when I began to realize that the contract we
signed was a bit out of date. I think the biggest thing is
that we have just become so comfortable, plus I know that
relationships change and grow... they evolve with time. Trying
to run through that evolution the only thing you have to grasp
onto is the past, because the future is uncertain.
We have moved beyond what others think are
"formal" lifestyle interactions and have eliminated
what simply has no meaning to us. But now we have to push
ourselves to come up with more of what does have meaning to
us.
I know I have a lot of work to do. I have
to push past my reactions of wanting to push back when I am
pushed. That feeling of comfort I have developed has made
me a bit... erm... whatistheword... arrogant? Well not quite,
it's pushed my headspace "up" a bit. Maybe a bit
of arrogance is associated. I've always been a headstrong
young girl. ("I'm not bad, I was
just drawn that way.") So how can a submissive
keep her headspace? That's what I've been thinking about lately.
I need to somehow get back to what good training did for me.
I don't think it can really be done with a routine in our
case since the needs of my body demand that I get as much
rest as possible and such. (bleh) That is why I've been trying
to write more, especially for this site. Or been trying to
come up with ideas for content. I think I feel that it is
the most we can do at a time of such abnormalty (trying to
make plans to move admist a war that is brewing in the world).
Plus I've been trying to look over a story that Master is
writing and encourage him to get back to it.
The story is called "The Theft"
and it stars *drum roll* Charrick
and willo... it is a fantasy story set outside of time, in
another world... and has a tinge of D/s since we are the main
characters. I love this story. It's a world where D/s is an
ancient way of life, just as it is in this world... but it's
accepted publicly to be "the way some are." I have
been helping Master edit his work and also included my own
bits as willo, though it's really written by Charrick.
In a way, I'm seeing writing as getting past
the insecurities I've been feeling about not being able to
work. I have gone to the local Department of Social and Health
Services to ask for some monetary assistance, and that was
such a blow to my heart and soul. Those people firstly, are
NOT nice. The lady who interviewed me actually had the nerve
to ask, "How do you know if you're really sick?"
or, "How do you know if you can't work?" It's like,
"How do you know if you're really in pain if you don't
have a doctor's note saying that much?" It's RIDICULOUS!
and made me mad! I'd like to see this lady go through even
half as much as I go through weekly and see if she could cope.
It's a lot and takes a strong spirit to work through the physical,
emotional, and psychological troubles that chronic disease
puts you through. I'm proof of this.
(Danget lol) Another insecurity is just about myself.
I look down and it's hard not to feel disgusted. I've been
bloated from this medication for one, and just in a lot of
pain... I can't feel beautiful I guess. I do my best to satisfy
Master, sexually and otherwise. But in my own twisted head
it almost feels like he's afraid to come to me in such a manner.
Being in tears after making love for one is horrifying. I
just feel so... bleh okay nevermind. Enough ranting. I'm not
sure if I will get gov't assistance, but at least I'm hoping
for the medical help.
So now back to writing... in a way, it is
a sort of work I can do because it's completely on my own
time. There's no one pushing deadlines at me. If I write a
bit, I show it to Master and he's proud of what I've done...
but he's not asking me every day, "have you written something
new?" which is a help, believe it or not. I react to
stress in the strangest of ways, and him on me every day about
new accomplishments would not sit well in my heart or tummy.
He's the one I wish to please most of all. It's a rocky balance.
Sheesh...
Actually lately I've been looking up at him
and just wondering why he puts up with all that he does? Well
I know why, he loves me. He always has, and I love him. We
have always made a solid team. It's just a shame that at this
time that we're together life has decided to throw us some
strange curves. But then again, maybe it's to show us how
strong we are. I guess I can only pray that it's what all
the hardships are for.
Okay I wonder if anything I've said has made
sense. lolol I think now I's gunna close this entry. With
one more thing... rofl... my sister may be coming up tomorrow!
I haven't seen her in months, since she moved down to california.
She flew up on Tuesday and I'm hoping that she will have the
time. I'll find out tonight after I call down to my mother
(who she's staying with, about three hours south of where
I live.) Okay, now I'm really closing this.
22 - 23 September
It's late late at night... early morning...
yanno, that unrecognizable hour when it's dark out. I had
a strange transition of headspace today. I'm starting to put
down a kind of cycle to some mood swings - the most commonly
known cycle of the female psyche: PMS! LOL I wonder why I
didn't correlate some of the more snappy moods I've had before.
I don't ever mean to snap at Master, goodness no. It sometimes
pops out. With pms like cramps and such I have the added perk
(term used very loosely) of dealing with more illness. Since
the estrogen levels in my body are at their lowest the infectious
bacteria are able to gain more "control." It's a
time of the month that I just plain do not feel well at all.
Tonight I was next to Charrick, looking quietly
at him. He was sitting at the computer (we got our internet
reserviced today woohoo lol), when suddenly I had this urge
to just kneel at his feet. So I pushed the chair I was sitting
in back, and went quietly for the space below him on the floor.
I rested my head in his lap and he immediately started playing
with my hair. I think he felt the need I was having, and asked
me softly how I was doing. I replied, "I'm fine right
where I am." I could feel his smile and he hugged me
tightly to him, whispering to me, "Mine, all mine."
It was like a magical change in my headspace
- nothing else existed but this serene state of mind. All
of the thoughts swirling around in my head vanished, and I
felt like I was listening to the sounds of a simple wave crashing.
I even felt a tear or two run down my face because I couldn't
remember the last time when I had felt so focused on the energy
that runs between Master and slave.
And maybe that's what I need every once in
a while. Life gets complicated danget, and I can forget that
I'm supposed to lean on Master for what I need. I have these
thoughts of "you're a strong young woman, figure it out
for yourself" drilled into my head by my upbringing...
I still work through these things. Some people may find it
silly that I would even think this way, but I know what works
best for me. (Sometimes lmao, other times I need a bit of
a reminder) I need to live in conjunction with another who
Masters my soul. I give myself constantly, why? Because it
makes me happy. It makes me confident. It nurishes my heart
and soul.
PMS brings about chemical and physical changes
in submissives which may in turn bring about reactions which
are beyond anyone's control. I know of plenty of times when
I've said something that later I wish I could take back. I
wish I had thought through an action. Or I may take something
Master said the wrong way. It's not my fault, it's not his...
I am still learning lessons on patience. One lesson I never
knew I'd have to learn: patience with myself.
24 September
Yesterday was a quiet day, mostly. Master
and I had dinner with his mother, spent a lovely sunday together...
Tonight after Charrick went to bed I was engaged
in a conversation over email about an ideal heaven. Something
about my reply makes me want to include it here, because it
is a very simple look into my mindset, and is representative
of what I am thinking tonight.
"heaven in my eyes would be a place where
we are not judged by the color of our skin, by the person
we love, by the religious beliefs we honor, nor by the moral
code we live by... heaven would be a realm in which judgement
has no place. heaven would be devoid of weapons, and we would
be armed with our minds and spirits. in heaven money would
not exist and could not rank. heaven would wreak of diversity
and new ideas, thoughts, challenges and insights... heaven
would be draped with romantic couples, gay men, lesbians,
polyamorists, exhibitionists, medievalists, and sadists...
heaven would glow with the strongest strength to be found
in the human heart: the ability to look upon all as a brother
or sister of spirit without fear, without obligation... only
with love
there is no walk of life that is greater than another, be
it islam, christianity, judaism, paganism, buddhism... etc..
so we address our greater spirit by a different name.... but
at the core do we all not believe in creation and the power
of love and forgiveness?"
willo's two cents. :)
25 September
It's 2.30a, and I had a two hour nap from
7-9p.. so I was quite awake tonight as I went through email.
Today I was mostly catching up on email again, but was talking
to a couple of friends as well.
I slept well last night, the best sleep I
can remember in years actually. Master's mother gave me some
percoset. lmao It's nice, strong stuff! Last night was the
first time in a while that I actually slept without waking
up every time I turned over, or breathed in too much. (You'd
be surprised, it hurts like heck to breathe in too sharply!)
Tonight I made a pasta dinner with garlic bread, and cleaned
up right away so I could be happy with a clean kitchen. (I'm
a bit nuts, I love that feeling of finishing the chores for
the night so I can relax with Charrick) We moved our fish
tank and cleaned it out today too... it seems like a quiet
day mostly but we both got a lot done.
The best part was being able to email Master
at work. I had really missed that last week!
My poor collar is getting old I'm afraid.
Well, not old... but worn. It's very loose around my neck
now, the black weave has stretched out. One day I'll have
an anklet, but it's hard to think of not wearing the collar.
I miss it when it's not around my neck. Though I know that
no matter what I wear, I am always Master's slave.
26 September
It's once again late, coming up on 3a here,
I had a rough day and I'm surprised that I have made it this
long. Last night even with some percoset I managed about three
hours sleep, and was a bit useless today. I answered more
email, stayed in close contact with Master, was tired and
just plain worn out, was in an incredible amount of pain...
and *drum roll* tonight I started
my period. That is why I've been feeling so out of sorts lately.
I have just taken two percoset, I am determined to sleep and
sleep hard. I tried to nap today but I couldn't manage for
more than 30 minutes without turning over, and the pain resurfacing,
etc...
One thing about pain... there are two different
kinds. This type, I do not enjoy whatsoever. It's inflicted,
there is no nice or sexual feeling associated with it. It's
like a headache type of thing, it's debilitating. The type
that Master gives me, given pain (flogging for example) is
wonderful, controlled, and stimulates me. The difference is
debilitation and then stimulation. Now I must say, that given
pain has helped me deal with chronic pain in ways I could
never imagine. You might think, "she's in so much pain
already, why crave more?"
Why is simple: because I know that it's something
Master controls and that actually helps me combat the chronic
pain. Although Master is very strict about what we do bdsm-wise
while I am not feeling well, sometimes the treat is just that
- like a vacation type getaway from the heavy realities of
life. It's like therapy. It's like a spanking can sometimes
help with guilty feelings, just to feel and process on such
a simple level. Given pain is quite easy to control and can
be given in small amounts to severe amounts... whichever is
needed. It's therapy in a whole new way.
I also told Master today in an email, I suppose
that the reason that I can be "childish" at times,
something of a brat (though I hate the word) is because it
lets me release the pressures that I feel every day not only
from chronic pain but from the seriousness of life that builds
up. Not that I'm looking really for parental care from Master,
there is no way that this behavior really asks for discipline...
but to play in that fashion, regress in a way where my world
is so simplified that all I think about are planes of emotion
from him and myself... it's therapy. It's like a time out.
Sometimes it can get a little too out of hand, and sometimes
I have to watch that my mood doesn't change... but hey, that's
life.
Okay, I'm going to bed to groan now, and soon
hopefully pass out and rest... nite nite!
30 September
It's the last day of the month... soon I will
start a fall journal, cuz this page is long. lmao Too long
already, and the summer is ending, the seasons are shifting...
a new season begins.
Master and I are celebrating our 5th month
anniversary of he collaring me. :)
I haven't written in the past few days because
life has been busy. Er, mainly, I've been sleeping. :) heehee
I'm still doing that up all night thing and sleeping all day
thing.
And actually tonight I have been engaged in
really good conversation about fear and control, which I'm
going to post, along with
some conclusion like thoughts from me.
And because it's ridiculously early, I need
to get to bed. Nite nite, good morning... eh, whichever...
lmao :)
 
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