To understand the submissive heart takes more than time and patience. It takes strength in trust.. complete trust in unconditional love.. trust to face your every vulnerability, your every desire.. trust to shape the depths of your soul to fit with Another's.

I never noticed a burning desire in me to please others as a child. I did like getting things for people, I liked presenting those things to them.. and my family thought it was downright cute. My parents taught me good behavior: always said please and thank you, always waited for others to speak before it was my turn, etc.. I had no reason to give it any more thought other than it was just what came naturally to me.

Growing up my relationships all centered around the same things: love, trust, communication, and happiness. Then in college, complete devotion and obedience was thrown into the mix. It was thanks to a man I met in a literature class. he drew the obedience out of me, and introduced me to submitting, before I even knew a word to describe it with. In laymen's terms, I was taught to live by my heart and express what my soul is longing to say. I felt strong and secure with this place in life. When we parted ways I knew I wanted to continue my journey into D/s... online I went.

here a name was put to all those feelings that arose in my heart. I learned there were others like me, and began the endless talking and sharing.

The most assured aspects of this world are still discovery, change, and growth. After reading a few websites on other girls discovering their submission I started to identify very much with the feelings they described. The longing for absolute love, for protection as they discovered who it was they really were. I know what those longings feel like. They spoke about a void in their hearts and lives that couldn't be described until they found the world of BDSM and D/s, and discovered that they weren't alone in their thoughts and desires.

It sparked something in my heart, I identified with these women... but the physical aspects of the lifestyle still scared me. I like pain, no doubt, but the thought of being physically restrained made me timid. Regardless of my fears, I dove deep into this world, immersing myself in the vast knowledge that everyone had to share. I had to learn to also be careful of what information I accept, but I learned my lesson well.

By the beginning of 2001 I found what was to be my destiny.

He introduced himself as Sir John.

Had seen a personal of me online and sent me an e-mail, saying he hoped I was having a good day. A wonderful friendship built up from these very few words. We found out there was a lot in common from love of nature, art, music, poetry, and writing.. to an interest in the D/s lifestyle. There was always something slightly different about John that brought me to him. Not only were we around the same age group (he's 6 and a half years my senior!), were from around the same area of the country, and shared many common likes and dislikes.. but also we shared the same depth of interest in the D/s lifestyle. We both wanted this as a lifestyle, not just a playstyle. We found out that we hold the same respect for the spiritual and emotional connection felt as well as the physical. Our thinking was so alike, yet on some things so different that it sprang up some great talks.

The most beautiful part was in the beginning, We weren't even checking each other out as possible mates.. We were only building a nice friendship.

Over time it became quite natural to release some power to him. To my surprise but complete pleasure, he accepted that power with honor. He opened himself up and began sharing himself with me.. and offered me some protection to open up myself to him.. He definitely had my attention, and was really getting inside of my mind and spirit.

After exchanging emails and icqs we made the jump to talking on the phone, and then, finally met face to face. A friend who lived in between us was good enough to act as chaperone.

John and I began spending weekends together, either at his place or mine. We settled ourselves deeper inside the other with each moment spent together. The more we interact the more we discover a true spark from our souls. As well as being very good friends, I discovered this inexplicable urge to surrender to him, and he to master me. John got inside of me like no other had ever dared..

We started talking about a contract, and in making it grew so much together in a span of just a few months. While designing up ou very special document we decided we were ready to move our relationship to full time, and John asked me to move in with him. Now we live with two kittens in a two bedroom apartment in northern washington state.

The day to mark my entrance into slavery passed on 30 April. In a private little ceremony just between John and I, he took me into his arms and claimed me as his own, his life, his love, his slave. And finally I whispered the words to him that I have longed to for months, and called Him my Master.

For the week before this event John and I had been having great talks about transitioning from Dominant/submissive to Master/slave. I was asking him what his expectations would be of me, if they would be different than what they already were... what constitutes slavery for him... how trust can build and reach new levels, the same as love... they both just keep growing and growing..

Not only with our sessions, but in every day life I learned (and am still learning!) to give more and more. Somewhere in there submit turned into surrender.

We looked at our communication... We looked at our limits... We looked at everything we possibly could in those few days. We both felt a shift in our reality together, in our trust, love, devotion, and courage. Both of us were scared I think, both of us were wanting more but not sure of how to achieve it... maybe wanting to control something that in reality, neither of us could...

John had asked me to write an article on slavery, and for so long I just couldn't find the right words. It was like a block, and writing is usually something that comes so easily! There were still some misconceptions from within that didn't know exactly what slavery is.. or rather, what it is to me. That I needed to figure out before I could call myself his slave, before I could surrender my soul at his feet.

So back to the day... after a weekend of not being separated for more than five minutes he had to go back to work, and I had the day to myself. John assigned me a few tasks, making up the dungeon (our second bedroom), writing tasks, (one to help me with the slavery article)... I kept busy the entire day, yet all through it I had one thing on my mind.

Since March it was bothering me to call him "Sir." Well.. I just couldn't do it anymore. John was more to me than that even then... .but were still both ruled by our fears of maybe moving too fast... of loosing each other, or maybe ourselves in the process.

When he came home I was waiting by the edge of the carpet.. We did our welcome home ritual.. and he sat me at his feet as I continued my writing task. He wanted me to write the word "slave" in the middle of a piece of paper and then write down anything that came to mind that dealt with the issues of consensual slavery. I wrote down things like "love, trust, honesty, communication, compromise, power, will power, patience, surrender, honor, compassion, courage, faith, and reality"

Then he led me into the dungeon, and pulled his shirt up over my head. I was left standing bare... and I felt such a simple joy... it was the first time that it was easy for me to get over the fear of being naked so quickly. I finally am able to let go a bit more without fearing myself.

John started to wrap a soft rope around me… around my waist, over my shoulders, underneath me, and finally he tied my arms behind my back. I could still fully move (save my arms), it was intricate bondage. I tested out the ropes a bit on my own, John stayed close by and watched as I got used to this. I pulled at my wrists to see if I could get out, but couldn't. And little by little, I relaxed into his control. My shoulders relaxed, and I closed my eyes, trying to see this from the "outside" rather than from behind my own eyes.. but all I could do was feel the freedom from within the restraints. If that makes any sense.. I knew I was completely cared for.. more so than just physically at that moment.. I am completely cared for by him, in heart, mind, body, and soul!

When checking in with me verbally, he asked, "Who am I?"

I hesitated... I wanted to reply "my Master" ...there was something in me that felt I was ready for this... yet I stayed quiet and looked inside of myself. In a way I felt pulled between traditionalist training and what my heart was telling me. I asked myself, "who will I listen to?" I knew I had to listen to myself. And I know my own values, yes at that moment, he was my Master. But instead of being backed into a wall, I took a new route.

"My Owner," I replied.

John took that as the signal that I was okay, he knew it took some time for me to respond but he also knew that there were a lot of things going on inside of my head...

I also knew that he wanted me to clear my mind, to focus in on him... so he brought my mind to focus in on pain... I tried to relax more, breathing in deeply through the ache of the nipple clamps attached.

Then lightly he ran the suede flogger down my back., started a rhythm that was a lot like a drum beat. This subspace, oh boy... it was like a tribal dance. I saw a fire blazing orange, sparks and spirits rising from the glowing flames towards the sky... and shadowy figures dancing around us, calling into the night with shrill like hollars... and through it all I just kept on hearing John's voice.. "let go.. I won't let anything happen to you, trust me.. but more importantly, trust yourself to trust me"

And I let go... I felt like I was soaring. I felt like I was one of those spirits dancing, rising up from the flames, being scattered around the skye.

A few minutes later I heard very faintly "and who are you?"

I opened my mouth.. the words, "your slave" came out. I did not control that response, it controlled me, and it felt good to let go and allow it, to allow him deeper inside of me. I could feel myself crying, the good type of crying... usually in subspace I feel like I'm looking down at what is happening from about six feet up.. but this time I went inside.. very deeply inside to the point where I couldn't see, I could only feel. It was a new level of trust obtained. It was like a signal, "you're ready Anna!"

The next thing I consciously remember was laying beside John, free of the ropes (had been free of the ropes before he started the flogging I think, it's all sorta a jumble in my head, I let go of reality very easily to give him that control lol), my head on his chest.. and he asked me, "What are you thinking?"

and I told Him that I'm thinking something that I have been thinking all day.... he asked, "and what is that?" and I looked up at him.

"I can't call you Sir anymore..."

He looked into my eyes, I gazed deeply into his soft baby blues, focusing on the copper ring around his pupils.. and saw the smile in his spirit as he replied, "Then don't"

He held me close to him, and secured the symbol of his ownership around my neck. He ran his fingers through the slave bells. It's a beautiful collar, with a helix macramé weave on the sides and a flat weave in the front. It's black (hemp I think) with electric blue beads sewn gently into the knots... then at the center three tiny silver bells dangle onto my chest. I started crying, the joy I felt couldn't be described, I was just a flood of emotions when I tilted my head up at him again and whispered, "I love You, Master"

So yes, a proud slave I am, with a new collar to boot. John bought me a new one when the black and blue one started to loose it's shape. Now I wear a metal and leather collar around my neck. Small, and dainty... I wear it every day, and sometimes hardly feel it. The collar has become such a part of me. I take it off only to bathe.

I'm not truly sure if I could ever express fully what being a slave is to me. But this was some of my journey.