Sardar: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why others are running?
---------------
Banta`s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
Preeto answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
Banta laughs and says, "An English girl !!!
Preeto kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for, the English girl?!"
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
---------------
Santa walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him.
Santa is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Santa stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service
to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a taxi for him.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Santa bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a taxi or the police will be called immediately.
Surprised Santa looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
---------------
A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function. Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
---------------
Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardar: "I've been promoted as branch manager."
---------------
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.........WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light".
---------------
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes!
---------------
One sardarji Professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
---------------
One Person knock the door of Banta on 12th floor, Banta open the door the man was crying and said - Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 12th floor. At 8th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter! At 5th floor he remembered I'm unmarried! At 3rd floor remembered I'm Banta not Santa
---------------
On a romantic date Sardar's girl friend asks him "Darling on our engangement will you give me a ring? He said "Ya, sure what's your phone number?
---------------
Sardar wins 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crore after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 crore or else return my 20 Rs back.!
---------------
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
---------------
Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet. Sardar:- why did u come so far? Instead u could have posted it....
---------------
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox? He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.
---------------
Sardar proposed a girl......Girl said: 'I'm 1 yr elder to you'. Sardar said: 'Oye, no problem Soniye, I'll marry you next year.
---------------
Why can't sardars dial nine-eleven (911) at emergency? Becoz, they can't find the eleven on the phone.
---------------
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll you divide, you've 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply next year.
---------------
Sardar was writing something very slowly. Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly? Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
---------------
A man asked Sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
---------------
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked: what you are doing? He said: I want to see how i look while sleeping.
---------------
A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he always started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked
why he did so? "It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "to start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but
also about its beginning.
---------------
Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"
---------------
Once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.
He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
---------------
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend.
He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening.
But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
(What Happened, My Son?)
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain,
aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)
---------------
Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
---------------
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came
Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?' and sped off....
The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother.
After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the sardar was teasing about his driving.
After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car . The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off.
This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar' Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda Chalaye kya?'
The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha , Brakes kahaan hain dhoond raha tha'!!
Jokes
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon: " I'm sorry to hear about the
attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
---------------
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy.
So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that........
Bush : What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush : It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
---------------
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?" The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!" Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
---------------
Pakistani on the moon:
Q : What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A : Problem...
Q : What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A : Problem...
Q : What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A : Problem...
Q :What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A : ...... Problem Solved!!!!!
---------------
Girl : Do you love me ? Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ? Boy : No, mine is undying love
---------------
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
---------------
Man : How old is your father ? Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ? Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
---------------
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
---------------
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
---------------
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
---------------
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will becoming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest.What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
---------------
Teacher: "Where were u born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir."
---------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a
sick eagle."
---------------
Bad News and very bad news
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
---------------
Good news and bad news
Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient : What happened?
Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient : Well... The bad news first ...
Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
---------------
Tooth extraction
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : $90.00.
Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
---------------
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
---------------
A boy comes home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?" asked Dad
"They are all below 'C' level"
---------------
An Indian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Pakistani man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Indian ignores the Pakistani who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:-
Pakistani : "You Indian folks eat the whole bread??"
Indian (in a bad mood): " Of course."
Pakistani : (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Pakistan , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India." The Pakistani has a smirk on his face. The Indian listens in silence. The Pakistani persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Indian : "Of Course."
Pakistani : (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling), "We don't.
In Pakistan we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to India ."
The Indian then asks: "Do you have sex in Pakistan ?"
Pakistani : "Why of course we do", the Pakistani says with a big smirk.
Indian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Pakistani : "We throw them away, of course."
Indian : "We don't. In India , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Pakistan.
---------------
God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ........
"Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels; here is the country of the United States.I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time, I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the
same time, I have given them climatic extremes....And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests. But at
the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...
So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.One of the angels asked... "God, what is this extremely beautiful
country here?" God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA.
My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture, which speaks of the great tradition that they live.Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....The angel was quite surprised "But God you said
everything should be in balance". God replied - "Look at the neighbours, I gave them.
---------------
DINNER CONVERSATION GONE BAD
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a pet?
HUSBAND: "If she wanted one."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a cat?
HUSBAND: "No, she likes German Shepherds."
WIFE: - - - SILENCE - -
HUSBAND: "SHIT!"
---------------
"NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
---------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
---------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
---------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."
---------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples."
Technical Support Jokes
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
---------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
---------------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
---------------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
---------------
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
---------------
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
---------------
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
---------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
---------------
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
---------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
---------------
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
---------------
Tech Support:: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Customer: Sure
Tech Support:: Could u left click on start, do u find 'My Computer' ?
Customer: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
---------------
Jokes Part 2
