Good morning baby!

I am talking to you right now, but you know that I just can't ever get enough of you, so I decided I'd sit here and confess my undying love to you ;-)

I can't tell you how much I missed you this weekend, Chad. I kind of lied when I told you it wasn't difficult for me to be away from you, because the truth of the matter is, that I felt lost without you. I just didn't want you to think that I was some sap who's needy and couldn't possibly live without you. It WAS hard though. I had a very long time to think about you, and although it was nice to dream of you and to fantasize about the inevitable, I just kept praying that everytime the phone would ring, it would be you..... and of course, being the sweetest guy in the whole world that you are, you called me when I needed it the most.

I kept thinking about really weird things.....like what it would be like to live with you in our own cute little apartment, and who would be the one who'd get to decorate it... and what it would be like to wake up next to you every morning, holding you and kissing you until I'd no doubt have to get up and get ready for work.....and sitting down to dinner every night (candle lit of course) eating great food, and just talking about our day....and the fact that you were with your family this weekend, oddly enough, got me thinking about what it would be like to introduce you to my family for the first time (except for my one brother, I've never introduced anyone to my family, so it would be a pretty big deal)... I was just thinking about how they would handle it, what they would think, what they would say..... but then I kept thinking that they would love you because there's just so many nice things about you.... I am sure even though my mother would hate the fact that I am with another guy, but if I had to be with someone, she'd be happy that it's you.

(OMG! I can't believe you just said that - that you hate mushrooms... ugghh! what is wrong with you my child?)

Anyway, like I said, it wasn't easy being apart from you this weekend... I just couldn't keep my mind off of you the whole time.....and I was so happy when the phone rang tonight, and it was you on the other end. You made my day! I started getting concerned, because I expected to hear from you much earlier, but still, I was very happy nonetheless.

It worries me though.. I keep thinking about how sad I felt this weekend, and question whether it's normal. I mean, I know that it's normal to miss something that's gone... but, it worries me how I could possibly miss you that much. I have never felt this good about someone that I've never met, and I'm afraid to admit that I really like you a lot, and that for a better choice of words, I could really see us working out.

I guess I am just really afraid to be in love again. I know this because when I think about you, and think about how much I care about you, it hurts.. It hurts because I don't want to ever have to feel the way I did last time I fell in love. It was a very tragic story, and I don't want to be subjected to something like that again. So it concerns me, that perhaps it could happen.... and so, a part of me doesn't want to get to close too soon....it's just so scary how much you've become a part of my life in these past few weeks.

On the otherhand, it could always end up that we meet and absolutely hate each other... I suppose it's possible, but I hope it's not the case. I know in the past I've hooked up with guys and been thoroughly disappointed when they refuse to give me the time of day afterwards, just because I didn't give them what they wanted..........Some guys can be really shallow, I guess, and it freaks me out that people are like that. But it's a reality, and I guess we all just have to make the best of it.... in the search for "the" one.... hoping that the day will soon come.

It always makes me wonder though.. how do you know when it's "the" one? Other people I have talked to about it keep telling me that you'll know... that there'll be no doubt in your mind..... that he'll come out of nowhere, when you're least expecting it, he make you feel so good all over, and he'll make you do crazy things that you've never even thought of doing before......I guess in a way it seems a lot like a first love.. your first crush...but, I suppose it would be very different in a lot of ways, too.

I don't know, though... I mean, to be blunt, I've had a lot of experience in the relationship dept....like I said, I've had 5 relationships, all long-term, and I've rarely ever found myself single since the day I started dating... and I guess the first few times around, I felt like it was a trial and error kind of thing... and you end up making lots of mistakes along the way.... but I know now, it's those mistakes that shape you and mold you into what you are now...I feel as if I am ready for the ultimate commitment though.. I feel like I am at the point in my life where I want to be totally devoted to one person.. totally committed.... I want to settle down and share my life with someone; someone that I care deeply about... someone I could see myself being with forever...

And that scares me, Chad, because well, forever is a very long time, and I guess I keep wondering if I am really looking for that.... but I've thought about it alot, and I am pretty sure that's what I want... it's what I need. I don't want to be wasting my time anymore being with someone who can't give me what I need... I want someone that loves me wholeheartedly; my imperfections and the whole bit. I really want to start building that bridge to everlasting happiness with "the" one.

(OMG! I can't believe you said that! How could you! You've actually faked ejaculation before??? That's crazy... you're so mean. I think if you did that to me, I'd kill you... hehe.. I don't think I've ever faked something like that... even when the sex was really bad.....I remember, there was this one guy that I dated, and I liked him so much... I just felt so comfortable with him and things were perfect between us... until we had sex... I am telling you, the first time, I could barely get it up let alone keep it up... and he was so bad of a kisser in the hear of passion; which by the way, there really was none...I just couldn't believe how bad the sex was and I couldn't believe that someone I like SO MUCH could turn me off that much ....)

Anyway, sweetie.. I think it's finally time for sleep...I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open.. I don't know how I am going to be able to get up in the morning though... it's so late, and I really am not the type to just sleep for a few hours... hopefully, I'll awake when you call.... if not, I am dead meat.. so dead! hehe... Like I said, I have a big boss coming to visit today, and well, I am going to have to be wide awake...

So, I hope you're sleeping, thinking sweet thoughts of me, and daydreaming of my orange hair.... hehe...and I can't wait to hear your voice in the morning. What a start to the day!!

I Love you lots, sweetpea.

Teddy