and i just reread my favorite book. And here i sit with a flannel shirt at 2:16 a.m. on the last day of the month and it all feels right and okay. And i can't imagine what else could be on the sterio besides the pumpkins. And how great it is that someone things i'm honest, especially when i think that person is honest too. And i'm even contemplating having a ciggarette for no reason besides it feels fitting. no need for that silly stuff.
I bought a spanish catholic saint candle for 89 cents tonight. Oh its a beaut.
PRAYER TO ST.JUDE TADEO
most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, patron of hopeless cases of things almost despaired of, pray for me. I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you of that particular privilege given to you to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. I promise to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron. Amen
im at bevins and im tired but i'm staying up because its nice to pretend that this is my life and this is my home and its my normal routine to be sitting in this chair. I like the way her loft feels. its probably just because its a loft, but still i could understand being very happy with this being home. Though I must say there is something unsettling about being concerned if your car will be broken into.
I really want to explore. i dont know if i do it enough but it seems like such a good idea, such a romantic concept. lately i feel like ive been exploring the possibilities and now its time to take action on them. Its like ive thought through all the thinking and now its time to turn off the brain and just feel. Maybe its just time for me to go off to college.
i wonder if anyone ever reads this. I wonder if in actuallity i have a private public place. If i do thats fine, but if people read thats fine too. I guess ive got my bases covered... thats not something i usually say, i dont know where i picked that up.
I remember my one requirement for the man i married was that i had to be able to talk about toast with him, i think that has changed.
I think im scared that the emotions and the feelings i have inside of me will never be shared, that interaction with others will always be on this communication level instead of ever reaching actual involvement. And the frustrating thing is i KNOW others feel these things, i know others need to be touched. You can hear it in music, read it in a book, hear it in voices in the passive action of listening but then there is the big "what if". what if it never happens to me? What if ive retired from co-existance before i ever even started.
This fear has been stirring inside of me lately and everytime i hear certain songs or see certain images i first feel involved, understood, and understanding but then the second feeling comes over me and i feel fear that these feelings will always be just inside of me and never reach out.
When i was 14 i went into this french restraunt and there was this old couple in there 60s or 70s sitting having lunch and they were speakless, completely silent. I remember vowing to never be like that but now it doesnt seem so bad. It sounds comforting to sit with someone and know you are understood and be apart of their life without the need for chatter. Who knows if they were happily married but you could tell that both of them had seen a great deal from the same perspective, wether they had the same opinions is a totally differant issue but they still had walked the path with someone near.
Maybe my fear is just loneliness and that very well could be, but wouldnt it be great to know that people, not just lovers, were willing to have actual human moments with one another?
maybe it all boils down to belonging.
4 boys in a car with a belle and sabastein sticker on the bumper. I wave and give a thumbs up. I dont know if they knew why i was doing so but still it was nice to connect in what usually is the very isolated action of driving.
afterwards, i imagined i had rolled down the window and expressed my love for b&s. I imagined i then asked if they were radiohead fans and they were. I imagined smiles of strangers that were connected in some way, but i guess a vivid pretend event is kinda sorta close to really connecting with others.
well... atleast i waved.
Ive gotten comments. I took the hint.
I really dont know what this picture means. I'm sure its some social statement that i can skim the surface of but i dont think i want to put much effort into it.
Ive had a funny day. I have funny friends. Very ...typical friends. Thats something i say with kindness because i am typical too. We all are typical. I use the word "typical" instead of "steriotypical" because it seems to fit better and feel nicer when you take the 'sterio' out of it. Its not that we arent unique or have differant ideas it's just we are playing this role and it fits in a certain catagory. It's not bad, it just feels like we are in one of those teen highschool movies sometimes and we are the kids who care enough but are sitting in the corner with our favorite bands by our sides. But not always, just days like today. And you can't forget the glasses... the glasses make it feel even more typical.
the picture below is a link if you couldnt of guessed yourself.
