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a public space to write my private thoughts.
this picture to me looks effortless, like someone was having a lazy day, looked up at the sky and took a snap shot. or better yet a complete accident. Someone dropped the camera and the picture, litterally, took itself.
i want my writing to write itself. easy, fluid, confident. no inhibitions.
I want bright colors.
This year doesnt feel substancial. It feels more like hummas and crackers than steak and potatoes. Last year had substance. It felt real like there was something happening in the moments. This year just feels like preperation. Even though this is how i feel it has been nice and ... productive. The most accurate adjective to describe my senior year would be "productive" /i've been working really hard and it has been easy to lose sight as to what I've accomplished. I wish i was prouder. Maybe when the skies look a little bit more like this picture... That isnt the attitude i want for my life but right now i'm working on so much other stuff I dont really feel like taking that one on too. But i'm fine with that. It will all come with time.
I was driving to a better place than my home to do my homework and i was talking to myself about all this and it felt so good. Sometimes you need a good talking to and sometimes you ave to be the one to do it.
I have a few theories as to why last year felt concrete. One of them was that i was going through such high emotions with Jesse. "braking up" or whatever you call it is hard to do. When your mind is full of emotion its hard to not see that time as important and life changing. Now that that relationship has been put to bed their is a great deal more moving room to be complacent. Honestly, i like it better that way.
Then their is the fact that so many people left my life this year. It almost feels as though im just waiting to get on the same page as them. I dont know.... those are just some theories
I want someone that will make me feel something... Deep. I have great people in my life and there is no questioning their importance but when it comes to someone hitting that place inside of me that itches to have company, i feel like I'm missing. I need a new face.
So until that stranger comes, that leaves me with music. The universal cure all. What seems to satisfy the gap the most is this girl band tattle tale. chicks with cellos and guitars. Sigh... what could be better? i only have 4 words for you "Glass Case Cello Case"
Today i bit off all my longish finger nails. it felt symbolic.
.
I could read your thoughts all day... you are clever, brave, scared, and you make mistakes. One of my favorite lines of yours was "hearing the projector in the background adds something to the movie". I thought, wow ... i can imagine that. I really wish you would read "breakfast of Champions"
You dont know how much i admire you!
sometimes it would be better if i said something, but i dont.
And from my inability to speak, something called guilt shows up.
And then from that guilt i sit and I write hoping that by typing my thoughts everything will feel better and i will feel a little bit more human. But by the time that statement makes it to the screen i realize the tricks im trying to play on myself and it reverses the cycle into more guilt.
God, i wish i could do something sometimes. Anything, as long as it helped. Sometimes i just feel selfish, sometimes i just wish i could be more productive with my compassion. I just dont know what to do but feel and i really wish i could act. But maybe that is for another day. Maybe I'm learning.
I just wish that i could help. She really is great and she really isnt defective. I wish, more that i wish to relieve my guilt, that i could relieve hers.
Maybe that will be for another day. God i hope so.
i think im in temporary depression. Sleeping almost 17 hours will do that to you i guess. But i was sick and it helped but now im stuck at home and i feel... depressed and isolated. Good lord, i feel so depressing. So what will i do to change this? ((happy dance, happy dance)). Bah, okay off i go doing the happy dance.
I really enjoy playing with the idea that the moment i enjoyed eating a grilled cheese was just as important as one of those moments i felt hurt/scared/loved/(insert high emotion here). I really like believing that any moment is just as important as the next, that every moment is spiritual, that there is no more or less. So all this would mean that the color I paint my toe nails is just as important as what college i go to. Or, better yet, that what college i go to is as simple a choice as what color i paint my toe nails. But the sad thing is that this is hard to do and whats even sadder is I dont paint my toe nails.
Other thought, i like radiohead and i like them in concert