BING

May 2nd, 2003

ME

May 2 2003

Some silence. A Bruno. A whealchair. A Dance studio. And a hug. All these things made my day great. it was only a 10-15 minute period of time, but it was wonderful. Looking at the reflection of 2 friends who will miss each other very much made me smile and cry on the inside, but mostly smile. When i stole a glance of our hug in the wall to wall mirrors I knew it was a sight i would have liked to capture forever. I would like to put it in a box and take it out whenever I needed a reminder, but that can't happen. That's when i cry on the inside.

That boy. That boy has no idea of his impact. He reminds me of the song "streets of philadelphia".

May 4th, 2003(my mom's birthday)

I love her more than anyone in the world.

May 6th, 2003

I turn my overhead fan on low to create an ambiance and I open my windows because of the frogs. I like the way green looks in the dark. I really want fresh flowers, but none of the 1-800-flowers crap. I want wild flowers.

How i described myself in 6th grade : studious and hardworking

May FGth 2003

BILLS HOME! . I should get us necklaces or charm bracelets or some cheesy crap like that. I can't wait to see all 6 feet 3 inches of him. He's like the only person under 50 with the name Bill. It makes him sound like he should drive a terquoise chevy; instead, he's got the pimp mobile with the maroon interior. Oh i can't wait to ride in it again listening to Bernadet Petters, Bjork, and Celine, maybe even a little Cher. And then we can spend the night at his house and at 3 in the morning bake a cake. Bill will tuck me in in the sex basement and tell me gay jokes. And when my mom goes neurotic on me he will talk her down. She adores him. I love that she loves him. Oh yay. I can't wait to jump in the closet full of sleeping bags and taunt the bitch cat with the lazor pointer. OH! and i will get caught up with my gay culture. Though that subculture gets a little overwhelming at times i love it still. Oh this is a good day.

may 7th, 2003

i feel it in moments when the rain is something more than precipitation and I'm listening to a song that takes simple lyrics and turns them into something mysterious, but then there are other moments when I could be a better me, a more alive me. I really would like to know what it is to be in love. That would be such a human experience. I realized today i have never been in love or i have never been in my latest definition of love. I really would like to experience it. I dont know where I will find these things, but hopefully it will be my next destination. I think that's the allure of traveling. Monotony can't stiffle your instinctives when you travel. It's also just so fucking glamorous. Who wouldnt want to fall in love in Paris or Prague or St. Petersberg? Who wouldnt want to feel... anything as they travel across Russia in a train? How couldnt your senses be magnified in those scenarios?

its seems as though chaotic old love life has been the background of my life for the last 2 days... its been weird and i havent particularly enjoyed it. Though, getting things out (kinda) in the open was nice. But whatever, I'm cool and everyone else will eventually be cool.

I dont feel like going to this banquet thing at all. I never enjoy these things. Thats a horrible attitude but whatever sometimes pessimism feels good. Just being around all those people gives me a sick insecure feeling. Maybe I will ask bill if he wants to come. I have an extra ticket.

I threw up today. dont really want to illaberate.

Family. i dont think i really have one, but i do. They just feel like strangers. I went swimming with my neice and nephew today. That was nice. That didnt feel strange, but when i get around my sister and grandmother i feel uptight. Oh and my mother goes insane. Like, you think she is neurotic usually just wait until she gets nervous around my grandmother... geez.

okay im going to put makeup on.

Fuck the system, YoYo!

May 10th 2003,

Officially an alumi of Woodward Academy/GMA. I made it. Woodward really is a great institution. I just wish i had realized that earlier. Hmmm... I'm going to take my neice swimming now. She's harassing me as I type.

may 11th, 2003

i guess its setting in. Thoughts run through my head like, "oh, i wont be in highschool tomorrow or the next day or in 3 months or in 3 years or in 30 years" and then i get that Whoa feeling, but besides that it feels like any other day.

hmmm... i need to get a map. a really big map. i want to plan my 1 year trip to Europe.. Even if i do it alone (which hopefully I wont) I will do it.

I watched Globe Trekker tonight. I want to visit South America. I want to hitch hike in El Bolson, Argentina where supposedly it is safe to do so.

"It doesnt really matter what you do between the ages of 18-21. So what if you graduate at the age 24 instead of 22?" Mr. Bryant and his insightful words, they keep on playing in my mind over and over again. I think I will take this advice.

Do i think this next chapter with be orthodox? No.

I look forward to spending 2 weeks in New York this summer. What a nice place to just walk.

I hope i get to intern at City Hall. I would learn so much.

God, i feel addicted to opportunity. I just cant wait for all this to begin. Do I think I will be dissappointed? No, not at all. thats not to say that it will turn out exactly how i imagined it. I just believe I have a great deal of control over my life. God, what a nice feeling! No more will i be dependent on others to provide for me. My actions will influence my life and no other factors will be brought into the equation. Independence. Can I say that that feels amazing?!

But also, so what if everything didnt turn out like I imagined it? So what if curve balls were thrown? I honestly wouldnt of changed anything. I really wouldnt of. It was great and sad and depressing and really really hard, but i like me. I feel like a Tony Robbin's Tape.

I honestly am counting my blessings and i have a great deal.

I know I'm a dreamer. It is just time to take action as well.

Fuck the System, Yo-Yo !

may 17, 2003

instead of doing something productive with my boredom i just sleep. i listen to Yanni and like it. honey is the only food that doesnt spoil. I had a love/sex dream with a junior(soon to be senior) bando. he had blond hair and lived in my apartment complex. I also had a dream where there was a feast in the science center. Everything feels futile at times. I'd like to walk up stairs holding hands with a boy with a gray hoodie. i feel alone in small groups of people. I'm about to start my period. i'm sitting in an over sized bathrobe at 3:26 in the afternoon. there is someone knocking at my door. I'm not going to see who it is. i went to see who it was. i wish i was different at times. I dont know how, but... actually thats a lie, I know how. I wish i wore masks better. I wish my angst didnt spill into everything. I'd like to contain it better. Some people wear insecurity eleganctly. i dont.

thats enough for now.

im listening to yanni, again. i want a yanni shirt. drive in movies and 4 course meals at amazing restraunts. I love hanging out with andrew. i love hanging out with bevin. I love tyler's ness. Im so tired. I took all my make up off. I might put more on just to see what i can create. kroger at 1 in the morning. milk, tampons, and cokes. i wonder if anyone put the milk in the fridge. i think im too tired to do the whole make up thing. I consider Samina a good friend, there isnt much bullshit between us, its refreshing. yanni seems to be inspired by steriotypical asian musical rhythms.

goodnight on the flip side of your daily agenda.

May 31st, 2003

My life has come to the lowly existance of watching America's Black Forum at 5 in the morning. Whoa Nelly, this needs to change and it needs to change fast. I am so glad its the last day in May, it's always nice to have the clean slate of a new month ahead of me. There are so many possibilities: I'm going to New York, I'm going to Summer Connections, I wont see anyone that I hang out with on a regular bases for atleast 3 weeks...all these things excite me.

I'm not going to sleep tonight and I'm not going to sleep during the day. Maybe this plan will get me back on a normal schedule. Keep your fingers crossed, kiddies.

haha, my mom came home drunk tonight and debated Bruno via me over the phone about Danial Boone. Oh George and Janeene....

I have so much to do. I have to update my resume for that internship, i have to go shopping, i have to get a license, i have to get a recommendation from my sponser, I have to send my paperwork to me regional consultant, i have to pack, i desperately need to clean....

this just might be the last entry on this page. Yet another thing that will change with the month - my page. okay, the suns up. I'm going to Publix to get an apple.

Holy moley guys, this pillow bevin gave me is the most sexual pillow ever!

Next>