The previous passage was a prime example of me being overstressed. If i calm down this will work out fine. It will be fine. Ii know it, i just dont feel it.
A lot of screaming is going to be going down in the Minik household. My poor Korean neighbors. Maybe it wont be that bad, maybe if i change my attitude about it.
Mary Baldwin really was not cool. Warren wilson really is not cool. NOTHING IS COOL!
BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! and im going to be selling my life away with student loans. No no, it will be fine. I'm sorry you are listening to this but im scared and me being overstressed is compounding my fear. It's a visous cycle.
There is no point. Blah
Why I'm looking forward to college
Living in the city. San Fran or Baltimore
being around interesting people
independence
wearing normal clothes
art
being able to use public transportation
having my own dorm room to decorate
not having to think about financial issues all the fucking time
having distance from my mom
learning
oppertunities
sitting around and doing nothing
a new beginning
yesterday in little 5 points we saw two people that were beautiful. they were holding hands and being all beautiful together.... it was amazing. never had i seen two people look so commercial like before. "Unearthly" was one way they were described. After admiring them i looked at everyone hoping they would look commercial like too but no one lived up to that couple. They were pale with dark hair and both had tan colored clothes on. he had red shoes on. The only person that stood a chance against them was this homeless guy with a beard, but he looked like a gnome and scared me. He deserved to be in a movie more than a commercial. He wasnt beautiful in their way.
I bet they smoke. They just look like smokers. And i bet they kiss on couches at crowded parties because there passion and lust is uncontrollable.
My friends are great. They are especially great at parks just talking. they really are great.
You know what else is great... pizza. pizza is great.
I think im going to MICA next year. i got a presidencial scholarship which really helps . i really want to go there.
Today im going to clean my room and maybe sleep some more. Actually, im going to take a nap right now.
7 days until graduation.
On my birthday i purchased Coldplays new album and that night when i came home and saw there wasnt a card or a package I went upstairs and put the song Amsterdam on repeat and I cried. They just fell with such ease. My tears had a life of there own. i gripped the pillow at every build up and crescendo. i curled up in the fetal position. no one knew i cried. Now that song skips when i play it, its the only song on the whole album that skips, but everytime i listen to the CD i play it anyways hoping that this time it will be differant. I sit hoping i will be able to replay that emotion and actually feel something. I downloaded it online but i got the live version. it doesnt feel the same.
His voice sounded so framiliar when i called. I could hear elements of myself in it... god, what have i done? have i set myself up for that feeling again? Either way, atleast i will feel.
I take it back, i dont want to love anything. I want to stay nuetral and be a casual observer. I want to just be Switzerland.
Its almost two in the morning... i dont want anything. I want another cigarette. That will somehow make things a little bit easier. The lights hit the trees so nicely at 2 in the morning. And when it rains it feels as though i have my own personal universe for me and my thoughts-my lover. Thats why i love my "front porch" because of rain, smoke, and trees..
I'm so scared of the opposite sex. Im so scared of sex. I do everything in my power to stay away from that connection. I do anything to destroy my attractiveness. There are moments, days, even months when i decide to turn something on inside of me but then i will turn it off as soon as i feel that essential part of life oozing in. I will stay plain and ordinary. I will hide befind my glasses and i will shelter my body from being something that will appeal. Of that aches... that hurts so much. I really dont want that, but its safe and that makes it okay. I dont have many safe things in my life and that hasnt failed me yet. I work hard to keep my unattached status, but it aches, it really does. I'm so tired of trying hard to keep people from ever seeing me. All i want is someone to come in, but i just cant do it. I just cant feel like i have control of someone in anyway or vis versa. its just not fail to have control of someone else.... i know this doesnt make sense but it does to me. Please try to understand... god, please.
I hate it. I hate the streets i have to drive by and i hate tented windows of cars keeping the rest of the world out. I want a cacoon, but one that people can see through. I want people to look at all my parts, all the aspects pf my developement but that would be scary. they would take what they liked and never pay me for it. So i will shelter myself. God Fuck them all. They all suck.. Fuck you too. No, not really . I'm just scared you will take this from me too and that was my way of getting you to run away, but it didnt work. You are still reading this and I am still typing. Thank you for that. Thank you for sticking around.
I did something drastic and the rest is out of my control. period.
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There is a lot of stuff i just dont talk about. i guess thats better. then atleast it's mine and no one elses. . Anyways, what is the benefit of telling people? I used to think i knew but now i'm starting to question what i really get out of it. I do understand when you feel something deeply and sporadically tell someone something and there is real emotion backing it, but just telling people in an observant, systematic way just doesnt seem useful anymore. It feels robotic.
Jesse keeps making little comments in emails that insinuate I'm not talking to him. Maybe I'm reading stuff into it but i dont think so. I want to be like "DUDE, ive called you just for the hell so many more times this year than you have called me. Actually, not once have you called me spontaniously.! what the hell are you talking about?" But, whatever, i might be reading things into stuff.
okay... im going to... ummm... do english homework. Yep, thats what I'm going to do. goodnight.
i wish i had something to say about the war but everytime i turn on the TV it just looks like grown up little boys playing cowboys and indians on a television screen. its hard to form an opinion on someting that reminds me of a Beatles song. And that wasnt ment to be profound but there is a line in "a day in the life" about holes and this war seems holey to me. Like i couldn't even possibly make an opinion because nothing seems concrete and no one seems to know what they are talking about... i dunno.
BED
oh yeah, i got into San Franscisco Art Institute tonight. WOo. yay for scholarship money./
its 5:30 and i cant think of anything but pictures...
a pear has personaility. A pinapple has Definite personality. That gives humans so much more and so little at the same time.
I took pictures tonight, around 60 to be exact and i dont know if any of them will look any good but i know what i saw and what i saw i liked.
There is so much rawness behind a lense. There really is. its beautiful.
Fruit, sara, and a few trees
these 3 were my subjects
Sex is what i thought abotu when i took pictures of sara, oversized clown glasses for the avocado, and the trees made me think of Samina... those thoughts are bound to turn up in the pictures, right?
people i want to take pictures of:
Samina
Bevin
Betsy
Ben
Bruno
My mom
Frank
Erika
Josh
not kate, never kate, maybe kate
Mr. Arensberger
Mr. Lane
Sara
Me
My brother
Genah my neice
there are more but i dont want this list to seem cheap so i'm going to stop now. Stopped.
I dont want these people to dress up, I dont want them to pretend, i just want them to move and I want to capture that thing that is them and that be enough because it 's so interesting and beautiful.
I read this quote by Einstein once and basically it said that a true genious would have no personality what-so-ever.
I'm glad the world isn't full of geniousses.
I really can't get into this Vonnegut book. I'm trying though.
I feel like I'm in Middle School again. I wont illaberate, too many people. But yeah, i feel it. It isn't pretty.
My mom and I are acting so... normal. Thats the best way of putting it. in the last 24 hours its been nice. real nice. maybe we are maturing.
I feel like I'm having growing pains. But I'm 5'1''
I could live with the song Amsterdam. I really could. If Amsterdam was a person he could be my roommate. No no, he could be my lover, but only for about a 4 month period. The endess build up of emotion might get waring. the consistancy of it might eventually just drive me up the wall and if he was a roommate it would just be plain annoying. or maybe not. I'm making this up as i go.
Twiddle your thumbs dear child, it will all be over soon. Actually 2 months soon. 32 days soon. Gulp. And it will all be beautiful with or without it... hopefully.
Cheat me of a final something... i promise i dont mind.
that didnt mean anything. it just was said from the top or maybe the bottom of my head. thats okay... right? you dont mind, right?
I wonder how it feels to be Elizabeth Smart. I wonder what goes through her mind when the numbness ceases and the break and she cries about her loss. and gain. I'm glad she plays the harp.
blah, blah, blah. yesterday i got accepted to Warren Wilson, Mary Baldwin, and School of the Art Institute of Chicago. It was nice but made me think hard about what decision I'm going to make. In 7 weeks i have to decide wether art school or liberal arts is right for me. 7 weeks, that seems too short. I want to be offered an extention. If only i could call in sick and put everything on hold. It doesnt work that way and thats okay. 7 weeks is a long time. A lot can happen in 7 weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks.
you know what makes me feel cool? the magnets on my refrigerator. Like, how can't you be cool if you have magnetic poetry, the beatles, and a dunk mardi gras frog on your fridge? its those types of things i notice in other peoples houses. . So, might as well pass judgement in my own house. the ruling? my fridge = my coolness. or atleast for today..
