"My French Racing Bike"
By Chris Fitzgerald
"Hey dad im going outside," said Fat. "Oh no u dont," said his dad. WHAM WHAM WHAM, "Ok now u can go, u might wanna stop by the emergency room since i abuse u so much." "Hee hee, u betcha dad." and fat was off for another day of dancing on sidewalk for nickles and dimes to support his ever increasing drug habbit. One fancy old gent gave him a shiney shilling. "Much abliged sir," said fat. "Not at all, ur a fine young lad." said the Gent. "I'll give u another if u wanna come by my place for "dinner", what do ya say old chap?" This befuddled fat, was the gent being kind and just offering to feed the young dance enthusiast, or was this some gay pickup line? Either way, a penny's a penny, and a shilling is a shilling, and that was enough to support his habbit for another day, so he said, "ok I'll steal my moms car even tho im 15 and can barley reach the peddles, and ill drive over there." Before he left, he stopped by his friend Dereks house, "Daaaaaaang," said Derek. "Thats RAAACIST!" said fat. "Aren't we so clever and savvy in the way of the comedic arts?" asked fat. "Indeed we are," answered fat to his own question. Before Ryan walked home from a day of dancin', he stopped by his local drug peddler and asked, "How does this day find u my good man?" "Shut the fuck up bitch what do u want?" asked the dealer who was in no mood for comics. "Can i have ur most expensive and high quality marijuana pot refer weed?" asked the always pleasent and never depressed fat. "Uh ok whatever," said the dealer, who was suddenly struck with a daring scheme. "I know, ill sell this idiot oregano and tobacco to make an easy profit! Here you go my little friend." One would think that fat might hear him say this, but after taking 5 aderols and little morphine tablets, it was anyones guess as to what fat could actually understand at this point. "Thank u old boy, could u sell me some rolling papers too?" asked fat. "Sure whatever," the dealer then thought ill bet i could wipe my ass with a post it note and sell it to this idiot." he schemed. "There u go, that will be 300 dollars for 1/4 ounce of my best shit and these high tech brown rolling papers." fat claimed,"Dan will like me now, ill let him smoke some of this with me and then ill show them, im the coolest dancer there is."
Meanwhile, at Dans house, RING RING..RING RING! "Oh its fat, dont pick up," said the dashing young driver, Ben,"He probly wants u to talk him out of killing himself again. And what puzzles me is that he doesn't seem to realize we never pick up whenever he calls." "Alas, a young man entangled in his own web of idiocy," said Dan. fat noticed that Dan never seemed to be home ever when he called, so he decided to get in his moms car in broad daylight and drive to Dans house. "fats here." said God. "I know, I can feel the presence of idiocy approaching." said Dan. "Ok then im going home." said God as he rode his fleet of sasaphrass back to his Palace in space. "Dan i got 300 dollar weed, please smoke it with me." pleaded fat. And then Dan said with spectacular grandtasticness,"I dont need drugs to be a healthy and vibrant teenager!" fat was humbled, and ran home crying. Meanwhile at Chris's house, Chris was doing back breaking, and pointless painting on a wall nobody would ever even look at ever, when he received an urgent call on the Idiot phone. No suprise it was fat. "Chris help me i have been caught by the police and the principal and my parents." said fat in a depressed tone. "Nobody in the universe could possible care less." said the Angered raggamuffin. And he hung up the phone.
What will happen to fat? will he ever acheive the much desired maturity level above that of a 2 year old? will he ever stop being a complete idiot? |
